When you go to take a dump, do you wipe back to front or front to back?

Po-tah-toe or Po-tay-toe?

Love or hate?

People say that there's a fine line between all the things above.

But that's wrong. So completely wrong.

The line between wiping front to back and back to front is big. Wiping those two different ways are totally different. Did you know that? Women are supposed to wipe front to back and men are supposed to wipe back to front. If you don't, then something's not right with you. Are you saying that there's a fine line between a man and a woman? See?

And saying po-ta-toe and po-tay-toe are polar opposites as well. Both are correct but if you say po-tay-toe, it means you're either American or you want to be an American. And if you say po-ta-toe, it means that you are not an American or you really don't want to be one. See?

And love and hate. Wow. Who was the blind freak who said there's a fine line between them? How the bloody hell does that work? "Oh, I hate Draco Malfoy but I guess I love him as well." That just doesn't work out, you know? Love and hate are opposites. Have you ever played the opposite game? Where someone says a word and you say the opposite? It's a boring game but all toddlers should play it. Remember? The adult would say "nice" and you'll say "mean." They'd say "water" and you'll say "fire." They'd say "red" and you'll burst into tears because you don't know the opposite. But isn't the opposite of love hate? What is wrong with this world?

So CUT THE CRAP by sending me owlpost that says "Oh, Miss Weasley, I know you declare how much you hate Draco Malfoy, but really, everyone knows you love him."

EVERYONE? Who the HELL IS IN CHARGE OF THE NEWS? Oh yeah, Percy. No wonder everyone is getting bull shit.

Here's another. "You may hate Draco Malfoy but really, there's a fine line between love and hate and I think you are actually tip-toeing across"

Wow. Just wow. First of all… why would I tip toe across a line? Am I just not superior enough? Is that why? Am I not allowed to walk freely? And after living with Fred and George Weasely, I know better than to cross any random line because I'd never know if a rabbit toy was to attack me. Trust me, I've tried.

Let's try this one: "You should be lucky to have Draco Malfoy. He'd been my passion ever since I saw him in the newspaper about eight years ago. So make the most of him and shag him already! You don't understand how lucky you are and how many people are willing gladly to take your spot."

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You know what, dear? You need to get laid. You need to find yourself a life. How old are you? 50? 60?

Here's the thing. I do not love Draco Malfoy. Haven't we been over this before?

And I'm glad to have see girls take him away from me.

Actually, please do.

I definitely won't mind.

So I leave you today with words of Nirvana.

I'm so happy

'cause today I found my friends

They're in my head

I'm so ugly

That's okay 'cause so are you

-Ginny Weasley, Daily Prophet

"You AGAIN? Malfoy, you've got to stop showing up at my cubicle because one day it's going to get redundant and stupid."

"Oh, funny. Come on." Draco stood up from behind her desk to walk over to Ginny who was standing at the doorway.

"Are you going somewhere?" She inquired, eyeing his elegant black apparel.

"Yes and you're coming with me."

"No. No. No and no." Ginny began to back away, but in one swift move, Draco grabbed onto Ginny's arm and with a crack, she was being warped in a tube and landed dizzily in Madame Malkin's. (A/N: is that the name of that store where the kids buy robes and stuff? And if it's not, well, pretend it is.)

"Did I ever tell you that I hate apparating?" Ginny said, losing her balance slightly.

"Yeah? Well, get used to it."

"What are we doing here?"

Draco ignored her as Madame Malkins came out.

"Hello, Mr. Malfoy."

"Good day. Can I have a black dress robe for her in your finest material? Silk? Satin?"

"Certainly."

Ginny stared dumbfounded as Madame Malkins came back out with flowing silk material draped over her arms.

"Never felt silk, Weasley?" Draco drawled, nodding in approval at the gorgeous fabric. "Go stand on that podium, love, and let Madame Malkins make your dress robe."

"Silk robes… who the hell needs silk robes?" Ginny muttered but obliged anyway.

Ginny stood there for what seemed to be hours, once in a while, a needle foolishly pricking her skin, waking her up a bit. Draco wandered around, once leaving the store and coming back with ice cream. Ginny looked at the dripping strawberry scoop hungrily.

"There. How's that?"

Ginny couldn't feel the silk first hand because she was wearing it over her usual clothes but looking at herself in the reflection gave her shivers down her spine. It was a strapless dress with a matching outer jacket that came up short and ended just where the dress started. Ginny took it off and put it in a bag that Madame Malkins opened up for her.

"And do you know anywhere where we can make her look at least some what decent?" Draco asked nonchalantly.

"That's no way to treat your lady, Mr. Malfoy. But yes, my sister, she works at a salon about 8 stores down the street on your right."

Ginny glared at Draco as he held her hand and led her out, thanking the Madame.

"Where are we going to that desperately needs me to be dashingly beautiful?" she asked.

"You'll see."

"How come you're being so secretive? Is there something you're hiding?"

"No. And shut up. This must be it…"

Draco opened the door to find an almost empty store. A plump lady came out cheerfully. "Hello! What is your occasion?"

"Can you just make her presentable? Look at her… disgusting."

"Now! She's not too bad! We can just fix up those freckles… and yes… your eyes may need a little lifting up and your lips… so chapped… your hair! Oh! You must be a Weasley! Lovely family… not the loveliest hair…" the lady said examining her.

"Thank you." Ginny said sarcastically. "I feel beautiful already."

Ginny sat down and closed her eyes. 'I am so going to kill Draco Malfoy for this.' Slowly, she drifted to sleep…

When Ginny woke up, she was not in the best mood. Partially because she had been awoken from her slumber by a sharp stinging in her eyebrows and a chronic pain in her back.

"I'm STILL HERE?"

"Yes, dear. You're almost done and…"

"OWWWWW! WHAT THE FUCK!" Ginny screamed as another stinging lingered in her other eyebrow. "What is this? Some torture chamber?"

"Dear, you're finished."

Ginny still held her left eyebrow as her view of the mirror became clear.

Her hair was just one shade darker because apparently, the woman seemed to severely dislike red hair. It wasn't exactly curly (and here, Ginny guessed that she had tried making it curly but was disgusted because truthfully, Ginny's face wasn't meant for curly hair). It more flowed past her shoulder in gentle waves. Her freckles were gone, and Ginny again guessed it was due to the pounds of make up that Ginny could feel crawling in her skin.

She actually looked… decent.

"Isn't she beautiful?" The jolly woman asked Draco who was also watching Ginny's reflection intently behind her.

"It's better. Thank you. Do you have somewhere where she can change?"

"Right there, come on, miss." Ginny then followed her to the backroom where the bag from Mrs. Malkins laid waiting.

"Mm… work of my sister, eh? It'll be beautiful. Put it on now…"

Ginny stripped down into her undergarments and slipped the dress robe on.

Immediately, the silk made its way and draped itself over every curve and every patch of skin. The sheer smoothness in which the dress flowed genuinely around her made Ginny want to cry. She rarely had a chance to feel silk, now let alone wear it. The dress was somewhat tight, but not too tight and it flared out toward the bottom, falling onto the floor elegantly. In somewhat of a trance, feeling the silk against her skin, Ginny walked out feeling her sleeve, mesmerized.

"Great. Let's go." Draco said, obviously trying to hide his disbelief and shock at how decent Ginny could manage to look.

"Care to enlighten me, love? Where are we going?"

Before he could reply, Ginny felt the same swooping and breathless sensation that meant that they were currently apparating.

When they landed, Ginny almost tripped as she barely caught a glimpse of the scene before her.

Draco sighed. "Welcome to the Malfoy Manor. This is my mother's funeral."

OOOOOOOOOO

Mm, this chapter's not as funny because really, there's nothing funny about going shopping for dresses…

But I hope the next one is, even though it's a funeral. I'll try.

By the way, I need some new ideas for news articles. I know that for chapter 5, it's going to be somewhat sentimental, but starting from chapter 6, I need some suggestions. I'm running out.

Review!