CHAPTER 5
Michaela changed into a nightgown and stoked the fire in their bedroom fireplace. Settling into the rocker, she waited contentedly, listening to the muffled voices drifting down the hall. He's home. He's really home with us...to stay, she mused.
Absently rubbing her hands up and down her arms as she slowly rocked, she marveled how much things could change in the space of one day. She had sat there in the chair the previous night and everything in her world seemed held together with impossibly frayed string. She truly hadn't known how she could go on another day, and she couldn't see then how things could ever be 'right' again.
Staring at the fire, lost in memories of the past six months, she didn't immediately realize he had finished his time with Katie and had padded silently down the hall to their room.
Turning her head, she met his eyes as he hovered in the doorway, unconsciously waiting to be 'invited' in. The last time they were together in their room...
She smiled and held her hand out to him. He moved to shut the door and came forward, took her hand, and then sank to his knees. Burrowing his upper body onto her lap, his hands encircled her lower back. He just stayed like that, his head against her stomach...as if he were soaking up her touch that he had needed for so long. As if he were a child in need of reassurance and comfort. It reminded her of Brian at times when he was young. Profoundly moved, Michaela gazed down at him, one hand lovingly caressing and smoothing his hair, the few silver strands glistening in the firelight. He seemed changed...somehow subdued, as he had when he'd first come home from being a fugitive.
"I'm so glad you're home," she murmured, smiling down at him lovingly when he opened his eyes and stared up into hers.
"A week ago, I believed I'd never see it...or you...again..." he admitted, the thought giving him a shiver.
"A week ago?" she asked, thinking of the afternoon she had broken down and admitted her failings to Grace. The moment when a loving friend insisted on helping...and she was so very glad Grace had.
She searched his eyes and raised an eyebrow, wondering...
"Did something happen?" she asked softly.
His lips formed a rueful smile and he murmured, "Cloud Dancin'."
Her eyes lit up. "He came to see you? He knew where you were?" she asked, kicking herself that she hadn't let go of her pride and written to Dorothy.
Sully sat back and took her hands in his, drawing her down with him on the floor in front of the hearth. "He said the spirits told him in a dream to go find me," he explained quietly. "That I was hurtin'. They led him to Yellowstone, and he came across my horse at the base of a big hill that overlooked a giant waterfall..." he paused, not wanting to tell her he had entertained thoughts of leaping from that cliff. Somehow she sensed his unspoken words, though, and raised a hand to lovingly caress his cheek. Fighting stabs of guilt, she said nothing.
"He made me tell him what happened...and he was shocked that the spirits hadn't warned him." Smiling fondly, he added, "He said he's lived in the white man's world too long...it's dulled his spiritual connections. When we parted, he was headed to the Black Hills for an extensive vision quest."
"What did he say when you told him that I had...thrown you out?" she asked self-derisively.
He smiled again, softly, allowing his eyes to travel over her features, the smooth curves and plains he had missed so much. "He said he couldn't believe Medicine Woman would do such a thing. And he really told me off for not makin' you tell me to my face that you wanted me gone."
She shook her head, bringing one of his hands to her lips and grazing the warm, work- roughened knuckles. "I'm so ashamed of my actions. When I think back on how I treated you...how I yelled at you...it's as if I'm remembering another person saying and doing those things."
Wishing to reassure her and assuage the guilt he knew she was feeling, he shook his head, sneering softly, "But, leavin' was the worst thing I coulda done. I was so dumb. I let the hurt pile up in me, feelin' sorry for myself."
"I don't know how I could have been so blind!" Michaela lamented. "I took you for granted for so long..."
"Well...I did some 'a that myself..."
Shaking her head softly, she stared pensively into the fire for several long moments, and then turned her head to meet his eyes again. "Do you remember when Grace and Robert E. were going through their period of difficulty and nearly split up?"
He nodded, pursing his lips slightly. "Yeah. He was fit ta be tied. I'd never seen him so angry."
Michaela nodded thoughtfully, "And we sat together in bed, talking about them, and I asked if something like that could ever happen to us...?"
He smirked at the memory, and how confident he'd felt at the time. "Yep, and I said, 'Never'." He shook his head in self-disgust. "Goes to show, it don't pay ta be cocksure, about anythin'." She nodded. He pursed his lips again, reaching out one hand to touch her hair, allowing several strands to run through his fingers. "Cloud Dancin' said the spirits tested us..."
She grimaced regretfully. "And we failed, miserably."
"Sure did," he whispered. "But I'm glad the test is over...it 'bout killed me."
"And me as well," she quickly agreed. Gazing into his beloved face, Michaela reached out a hand, smoothing his hair, her thumb tracing the curve of his cheekbone. "We're a part of one another, Sully. Once we met, our combined destiny became set in stone. We weren't meant to be apart. We are one of those pairs you told me about before, remember?" she added, her eyes twinkling. At his puzzled look, she elaborated, "Two people whom the Great Spirit cut apart..."
"And they try to get back together every chance they get?" he completed with a chuckle and a nod. "We sure are...and I've missed gettin' together with ya," he added, his voice low, his eyes glowingly potent.
"So have I..." she responded, her voice sultry.
It had been so long, much longer than the six months of separation. They found themselves feeling nervous, wanting to make sure they would still please one another.
His hand shaking slightly, Sully reached out and let his fingers caress her cheek. She immediately leaned into his palm, craving his touch.
He pulled her gently closer until their lips touched, whisper soft, not much more than a breath. Each one absorbed the essence of the other, wanting to savor this reunion with their soul mate and not just rush back into their physical relationship. Each one wanted everything to be perfect between them. It was as if they were discovering one another for the first time, yet there was still that deeply ingrained familiarity, as if they were two long lost friends recognizing each other in spite of decades of separation and silence.
"I've missed you so..." Michaela whispered, leaning closer, wanting more of him.
Eyes shut, he breathed in deeply, tilting his head to the side as he moaned, "Oooooh M'Chaela..."
Michaela leaned in, pressing her lips to his, once, twice, three times as she nuzzled him, her lips wandering to his now smooth cheek as she whispered, "I love you..."
"Mmm, I love you," he groaned, the other hand sliding up to immerse itself in her hair and tilt her head to the side as he made his way back to her mouth. Deepening the kiss, he moaned low in his throat and she opened to him fully. As their tongues merged, both experienced delicious shudders of excitement and expectation. Their kiss grew hotter and bolder as they each poured more and more of their suppressed longings into their actions.
Finally, Sully broke their kiss and leaned his head back enough to look into her passion-glazed eyes, his burning hot with desire. Without a word, he maneuvered to a standing position, pausing just a moment to gaze down at her, enjoying the seductive disarray of her appearance – her hair mussed from his hands, her gown askew...her eyes shimmering with desire as she gazed up at him. He offered his hands to help her up, and she placed hers within. He drew her to her feet and immediately scooped her into his arms, carrying her over to their bed as they nuzzled affectionately.
He laid her down gently, their eyes locking as he straightened up and reached for the buttons on his shirt. He maneuvered it off his shoulders and let it drop to the floor. She swallowed, almost nervously, her eyes lowering to watch as his hands moved to the button on his buckskins.
Then, she sat up, grasping the hem of her nightgown. Slowly drawing it over her head, she held it a moment before tossing it aside. She knew she had lost quite a bit of weight, and for a moment, she wondered if that would matter to him.
He was thinking the same thing as he allowed his buckskins to drop to the floor...he'd always been proud of his muscular physique. Would she look at him differently in his somewhat depleted state?
For a few moments, they allowed their eyes to caress one another, tenderly taking note of the evidence of their prolonged shared emotional agonies. But to Sully, his beloved had never seemed more delicately beautiful. He wouldn't have thought it possible, but his absence really had made his heart grow even fonder.
Reaching out one hand, he lovingly caressed her cheek with the tips of his fingers, allowing them to travel slowly down her slender neck, to her chest, to the curve of her breast, to her much thinner waist. Then he slowly bent down, placing his hands on either side of her as she leaned backwards in tandem, their lips meeting once more. In moments, they were entwined on the bed together, each sighing in pure bliss. How could either one have thought the other had fallen out of love? The whole thing now seemed like a grotesque nightmare.
Slowly, tenderly, the seasoned lovers fell naturally back into their loving. Kissing and caressing and moving in perfect rhythm, they brought each other to the heights of ecstasy and beyond - while making sure to keep the volume of their joyous reunion to loving murmurs, pleasure-filled gasps and blissful sighs, so as to not disturb their daughter down the hall. As their deeply profound joining reached its crescendo, the release and sense of completion it gave them brought them both to tears.
Afterward, tightly entwined and quivering with the aftershocks of intense physical and emotional euphoria, they spent long minutes whispering sweet reassurances of their love, and renewing their vow to never, ever, allow a misunderstanding to escalate between them again.
OOOOOOO
Later, as the firelight flickered quietly, husband and wife lay comfortably in one another's arms, pressed as closely together as humanly possible; the bond between the two of them reaffirmed.
Michaela knew, however, that they still needed to talk everything out. Now, after all that had happened, she was determined to leave no matter unaddressed; to leave no hidden pocket of hurt to fester.
Softly nuzzling Sully's chin with her forehead, she sighed contentedly, smiling when she felt him squeeze her impossibly closer.
Thoughtfully, she mused, "How could we have ever forgotten how good we are together?"
Sully roused from his languid state, one side of his mouth rising in a lazy half smile as he murmured, "I never forgot. Before we married I knew we'd be good t'gether...and after we married," he paused, his grin getting more pronounced and cheeky, "never a day went by that I didn't want it, want you. I couldn't seem ta get enough of ya."
She smiled softly, basking in the happy glow shining between them.
"Sully?"
"Hmm?" he murmured sleepily, turning his head a little and pressing his lips to her hair.
"How could you have thought I never wanted to see you again...what did you say in your letter that convinced you so?" she asked hesitantly, wondering if she should, but forging on.
He pursed his lips, visualizing the all-important missive in his mind's eye. He knew every word by heart, as he'd agonized over it so often. Quietly, he let his fingers slowly caress her arm as he confided, "I told ya I was sorry for runnin' out that night. Sorry for not bein' what ya seemed ta need. I told ya how much you'd hurt me, but that in spite of everything, all I wanted was for you to be happy – and that if it took me stayin' away from ya to make you happy, that's what I'd do. I told ya I'd wait four days for you to come to me, that I'd wait up at our secret place, and if you didn't come, it would mean you were sayin' you didn't want me in your life anymore. I'd go on to the Yellowstone land and take that job as overseer. I waited five days..." he paused, and she whispered sorrowfully, "But I never came..."
He nodded with a small shrug.
"Oh Sully! No wonder you thought...good heavens..." she whispered, for the first time totally understanding the full reason, the unwitting spot her husband had put himself in – and how it had appeared to him when she didn't come. The injustice of it all!
He shook his head, reaching to touch her chin with a finger and make her look at him. "Don't worry about it. If you'd seen the letter..."
"I'd have come to you! Crawling on my hands and knees!" she declared adamantly, adding, "The night you left...did you hear me calling for you?"
He shook his head, brows furrowed.
She nodded affirmatively. "I was still angry, but I came out on the porch just as you were galloping out the back door of the barn. I called to you to stop and come back, but..."
He sighed, yet another miscommunication. "I didn't hear ya..." he supplied.
Amazed at the misfortunes they'd suffered, she whispered, "It's as if something was working against us...stacking the deck." Taking one of his hands in hers, she brought it reverently to her lips. Her eyes met his as she softly mused, "Perhaps the perfection of our love angered the unseen evil forces and they set out to tear us apart..." And I fell for it, playing right into their hands...
"Yeah," he whispered, drawing her head down to press his lips to her forehead for a long moment. Once again, he thought of his brother seeking him out and making him come back. Thank God you did, Cloud Dancin'... Who knows how long I woulda stayed stubbornly away...
He settled them again, closing his eyes tiredly; very glad the terrible season in their lives was finally over.
They lay there together for quite some time, allowing their souls to reconnect, and the emotional fractures to heal. Dreading it, but wanting to have everything out in the open between them, she finally whispered, "Sully...there's something I need to tell you..."
He moved his head a bit, his lips brushing against her hair as he waited, feeling her quiver as she prepared to confess her other source of shame.
"I...I won't be able to give you any more children," she murmured softly.
His brows furrowed for a moment, thinking she was just suffering doubt, but then what she meant dawned on him and he closed his eyes, wincing slightly. Not so much for himself, but for her, as he knew how much having another child had been the desire of her heart. And now...
She went on, her voice faltering, "It happened quickly...at first...I thought I was pregnant again, but..." she paused, fighting against the old familiar angst. "Then when I realized what had begun..."
"Why didn't ya tell me?" he whispered, his heart aching for what she had suffered – in silence.
"I know...I should have, but I...I couldn't. I kept feeling...less of a woman."
He reacted immediately, turning his head to meet her eyes again. "You know that ain't true..."
She nodded, "I know now. It's crazy, but...at the time I needed you most, I was pushing you away..."
Their eyes held as scenes from those months played in their minds. For Sully, a few more pieces of the puzzle were snapped into place, shedding light on mysteries of things she had said, and ways she had reacted to innocuous things he had said and done.
Hugging her closer and willing her to feel and understand that her admission didn't change the way he felt about her, he whispered, "We got Katie. And Brian, and Colleen, and Matthew. They'll keep our hearts full. Don't think about what we ain't got...only what we do." Smiling into her eyes tenderly, he added, "And as for the other...I told you before that I'll always find you as beautiful as I did the first time I saw ya...and I'll never see ya as anything but all woman," he vowed, staring into her eyes so that she could see his sincerity.
She saw it, and believed, and allowed his words and his love to flow like warm honey into the furthest reaches of her heart and cleanse away the fear and the hurt. Kissing him back as he leaned forward to seal his words with his lips on hers, she sighed tranquilly as his hand sensually stroked her skin in that special way of his that told her how much he appreciated her as his lover.
"I love you so much," she murmured softly, glorying in that feeling of floating in mid air that she felt every time he kissed her. The same sensation she'd had the first time, her birthday kiss.
"I love you more," he teased, feeling slightly buoyant himself.
Softly running her hand over her husband's shoulder and down his arm, Michaela's physician's fingers encountered the unmistakable ridges of a scar on his forearm she knew had not been there before. Instantly, she realized what it was, and grimaced softly as she imagined the circumstances.
Without a word, she gently grasped his wrist and brought the arm to her lips to press gentle, loving kisses to the wound. The scar was long and deep, and though now totally healed, would still be visible for the rest of his life.
Resting the arm against her cheek, with a mixture of deep sorrow and heartfelt understanding, she whispered, "Tell me..."
He opened his eyes and glanced down at her. "What, this?" he indicated his arm. She nodded. Though he didn't want to, he knew he couldn't and shouldn't leave anything unsaid. Communication, always...
Drawing in a deep breath, he let it out in a soft huff as he allowed his mind to return to those first terrible weeks of their separation. "It, ahh, was about a month after I left. I'd made it to Bozeman, wired Welland Smith, and went on to Yellowstone...but then I just kinda...shut down." He swallowed, whispering, "The pain of losin' ya was so bad...like every heartbreak I'd ever felt all rolled into one great big ache. One night, durin' a bad storm, I was holed up in a cave...hadn't ate or slept in days... I was desperate for some relief, so I...got up on my knees and tried to chant like Cloud Dancin'...runnin' the knife over my skin, tryin' to let the pain out...but it didn't help." He paused, remembering how he had collapsed in defeated tears, and had even prayed to the spirits and to God to just let him die. That living without Michaela and Katie was too much to bear. At the last minute, something had pulled him back from the brink and he had managed to bind the wounds, although they had bled so much it had left him severely weakened.
Michaela hugged him closer, tears sliding from the corners of her eyes and wetting Sully's chest, her heart breaking for what he'd gone through...what she had unwittingly put him through. Realizing this was further evidence of their emotional connection, she sniffled softly, whispering, "A month after you left was when I truly realized you didn't intend to come back...everything seemed to be going wrong...we had three patients die in one day at the hospital, despite our best efforts...Katie was almost run over by a wagon...Rebecca wired that her oldest son...my nephew James, remember?... he—he had been killed in an accident..." she paused, the memories difficult. "I needed you so badly...needed to feel your arms around me... That night...I couldn't take it any longer. I left Katie asleep in the house and rode into the woods, needing to feel closer to you. I...made it up to our secret place. A tiny part of me held hope you'd be there, that you had gone there like you'd told me before, to find your way...but you weren't there." She paused, swallowing tears now that she knew he had waited there for her in vain. "On my knees up there, I cried and screamed for you. I told you all the things I wanted to tell you in person...how profoundly ashamed and sorry I was...how much I loved you and wanted you to come home. I begged you to come back to me...but all I felt in return was searing pain and emptiness. My whole world was devoid of light without you."
He had wrapped his arms tighter around her, silent tears slipping down as he marveled they had, indeed, been communicating that night, though neither one knew it. The hurt had distorted their spiritual connection, but thankfully had not broken it completely.
She added softly, "Sometime before morning, it started to rain, so I dragged myself home." She tilted her head and pressed a wet cheek to his as they both allowed the pain of their tragic miscommunications to slowly release through their tears.
Eventually, the tension from the emotional upheaval lifted and they were able to fall peacefully asleep, each secure in their soul mate's arms once again.
