The panic was escalating to a near crippling intensity. Castiel pulled his blanket over his head as he curled up into a tight ball, breaths coming out in quick, shallow puffs.

Dean Winchester liked him.

The idea was ludicrous. It was insane. It was a lie, it had to be. It was the only logical explanation. Dean was playing some sort or cruel joke on him. Dean was as straight as they came. He'd even slept with at least half the girls in school. He was notorious for his heterosexuality.

Besides, no one in their right mind would want Castiel. At least, not in the way he wanted them to want him. Crowley used him for his body. He was just an outlet for Crowley to release his repressed urges. Nothing more.

Castiel was nothing but a worthless waste of space. He didn't deserve happiness. He didn't deserve anything, really. That knowledge hadn't stopped his heart from stupidly beating faster in excitement at Dean's confession. Or his stomach from filling with ridiculous butterflies as he had rode shotgun in Dean's 1967 Chevrolet Impala.

He blamed Sam for all of this. If the freshman hadn't been walking to school at the same time as him, they would never have started talking, and they wouldn't have gotten to like one another, resulting in Sam calling him over to say 'hi' outside of that gas station. Why did Sam have to be so damn friendly?

Castiel should have walked faster or taken a longer route as soon as he had heard the sound of shoes slapping the pavement behind him. Instead, he had paused and looked behind him seeing a young boy with brown hair flopping in front of his eyes.

"Hi!" The boy had bounded towards Castiel.

"Hello," Castiel had said, eyeing the other boy warily while tugging the earphones out of his ears and wrapping them around his iPod.

"Are you on your way to school, too?" The boy gestured at the backpack slung over Castiel's shoulders.

"Yes."

"Cool. I'm Sam," Sam presented his hand for Castiel to shake.

"Castiel," The reply came out tentatively as he shook Sam's hand.

"Wanna walk together? I normally get a ride to school with my brother, but he's sick today. It's kinda lonely walking alone."

I like being alone, Castiel thought, though he agreed nonetheless.

Walking with Sam had been a completely different experience. His exuberance was palpable as he talked about his classes and teachers. Castiel didn't contribute much to their conversations, but Sam didn't seem to mind, he just seemed glad for the company.

Though Castiel had been reluctant to share his quiet walk with a stranger, he had soon found himself unwilling to part from the younger boy. Sam's kindness and buoyant attitude had lifted Castiel's spirits, and he didn't want them to crumble again as soon as he entered the school.

"Do you mind if I walk home with you after school?" Sam asked before heading to his first class, physics, if Castiel remembered correctly.

Castiel shook his head, smiling internally. He just had to get through six more hours, then he could walk home with his new companion.

He hadn't paid much attention in his classes that day. Sure he had still taken notes, but they were just words being copied from blackboard to paper. More than once, Castiel considered leaving his classes and never coming back. He really couldn't see much of a point to school. He would spend his whole life learning, only to end up six feet underground. Where was the logic in all of that?

Still, life went on. He had continued to follow his routine, staying as invisible as possible, avoiding anyone and everyone, until 3:30 came around. Castiel was more than a little embarrassed and disgusted with himself, when a tiny bubble of eagerness broke through his permanently depressed state of mind.

"Hey, Castiel!" Sam greeted animatedly.

"Hello, Sam."

The walk home was equally as pleasant as the walk to school, if not more so, since Castiel was heading towards his home, his sanctuary. A place where he was not expected to do anything or be anyone he wasn't. He briefly wondered if Sam felt the same way about going home, but decided against asking, since it seemed too personal.

The rest of Castiel's week hadn't gone by as smoothly as that first day with Sam. He hadn't seen Sam since Monday and his mood had plummeted drastically, especially when Crowley cornered him after school. Castiel was thankful Crowley didn't force him to do anything more than kissing. Considering how low he'd been, he was scared to think of what he would have done to himself if Crowley had made him go down on his knees.

His weekend had been spent in a less than memorable blur of amphetamines and hunger. Anna had been busy at work all Friday and Saturday, as well as Sunday morning, leaving Castiel to lounge in his bed day after day. He lay on his back tracing patterns with his eyes on the stucco ceiling and listening to music. He didn't move much except for slow rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Sometimes he'd skip forward a couple songs until he would find a song that accurately depicted the sadness he felt so completely.

He didn't care if his weekend was nothing to brag about, it was the only way he knew how to survive.

He dozed on and off, until Anna came home Sunday afternoon.

"Come on, Castiel. You should go out and do something. Maybe go for a walk?" Anna had perched herself on the edge of Castiel's bed and placed a pale hand on her brother denim clad leg.

Castiel grunted in disapproval. He didn't want to move and he was nowhere near high enough to leave the house.

"I know I haven't been around much these past couple of days, but I'd bet you haven't left the house since you got home from school," Anna tucked a stray lock of fiery red hair behind her ear, sighing in exasperation.

Castiel hadn't wanted to upset his sister, so he sat up slowly. His back cracked as he straightened himself next to Anna.

She gave him a pleased smile before wrinkling her nose, "Geez, I'd also bet you haven't showered since Friday," Anna touched his hair briefly before pulling her hand away, grimacing. "Go take a shower, then get some fresh air. I'll start on dinner. That way it will be ready by the time you get back." Castiel hadn't bothered to answer her. He just got up and headed towards their extravagant bathroom.

He had taken a quick shower then ran out the door, grabbing his trench coat, hair drying in all directions. He had just wanted to go back to bed and the sooner he left, the sooner he could be back wrapped in his blankets.

His plan had been to go buy a pack of cigarettes. He was running low anyway, so he figured he might as well make use of the stupid outing.

The nearest gas station was several blocks away. It would take at least twenty minutes to get there if Castiel wasted no time and took large steps. He decided to take the shortcut behind the library, to save time, and continued walking the last five minutes until he walked in, bell ringing, signalling his entrance, and paid for his smokes, tucking them in the pocket of his trench coat.

He was just about the light up outside when he heard a familiar, chipper voice call his name. He whipped his head around searching for the source of the sound. His eyes landed on a gorgeous black car. It had to have been a classic from the '60s or '70s. Castiel took in the sight of the beauty, before a hand waving in the passenger window caught his attention.

"Oh, hello, Sam," Castiel's cheeks turned slightly pink at being caught blatantly gawking, "This is quite a lovely car," He explained, hoping Sam wouldn't think he had been acting like a creep.

"You should tell that to my brother. He's practically in love with her," Sam pursed his lips as if the thought of his brother and the car annoyed him.

Castiel just smiled ever so slightly, "So, where is your brother, now?"

"Paying for the gas. I don't even know why we came here; he just filled her up a few days ago. Sure, he drives her around a lot, but not nearly enough that she needs a refill. I don't know, I mean we were at the library, maybe he just figured 'why not?' since we were so close."

Castiel nodded, "What books did you get?"

Sam held up a blue book, replying, "Just one: The Fault in Our Stars. It's Jess's favourite, so I wanted to give it a shot. I made my brother drive me, because I really wanted to be able to talk about it with her as soon as possible." When he'd mentioned his brother, Sam had waved a hand in the direction of the gas station's building. That seemed to have acted like some sort of signal because, all of a sudden, Dean Winchester was approaching them somewhat hesitantly.

Castiel tried to excuse himself, but the next thing Castiel knew, Dean was telling him he liked him, and Castiel was agreeing to get a lift back home.

The ride could have been more awkward than it was. Dean had seemed surprisingly content as he drove, humming along to some classic rock song Castiel didn't know. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel in time to the music, bobbing his head. Dean seemed so comfortable, like driving in a car with his brother and Castiel was the most natural thing ever.

Cas had to admit he was strangely comfortable. The car smelt like leather and oil and something else he couldn't quite place. The combination was probably one of Castiel's favourite smell and he'd found himself foolishly hoping he'd get to ride in the Impala many times in the future.

The only words uttered were Castiel's directions to his house. His voice cracked several times whenever he'd mutter a "Turn right, here," or "Keep going straight." Though the silence was not strained, Castiel found himself unable to sit still. It was all too much. Dean was too much. He felt slightly trapped in the speeding car, his anxiety was growing. He was terrified he'd say something stupid or offensive.

In all honesty, Castiel wanted Dean to like him, but he was sure if Dean ever found out how broken he was, he'd leave Cas without a second thought.

When Dean pulled up in front of Castiel's house he let out a low whistle, "Damn, Cas. Your house is fucking huge!"

Castiel didn't know what to say to that without sounding like a spoiled brat. He kept his hatred of his house to himself, unbuckling his seatbelt and sliding out of the car. "Thank you, Dean. Goodbye, Sam," He threw over his shoulder, shutting the door carefully.

Cas wasted no time as he ran inside his house. He slammed the door shut behind him and peeked out of the window to see the Impala idling on his driveway. Sam was crawling back into the front seat, but Castiel barely noticed, he was watching Dean.

Dean had kept glancing towards Cas's house with an expression Castiel could on perceive as disappointment. Castiel could not fathom why Dean was disappointed. He had seemed fine in the car and Castiel had thanked him for the ride, so there really was no reason for him to look so forlorn.

Castiel sighed loudly as he sank to the floor, back resting against the front door. His mind was a mess, made worse by the drugs he had taken early that morning. He needed a nap.

"Castiel, you okay?" Anna asked as she wiped her hands on her jeans. She'd clearly been cooking.

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you," Castiel replied. He got off the floor and headed towards his room, avoiding Anna's gaze.

"Who was that outside?" Of course Anna had noticed them.

"No one. Friends," Castiel shrugged.

"Oh?" Anna tilted her head to the right inquisitively.

"Yes, they found me when I first started my walk. They were headed out for burgers and invited me. I said yes," Castiel lied smoothly.

"See? I told you going out was a good idea!" Anna said brightly. After a beat, she continued, "I guess you're probably full now from your burgers," A nod from Castiel, "Oh well, more for me," Anna grinned and made her way back to the kitchen where the smell of beans and toast was emanating from.

Castiel's stomach lurched at the scent. Just a little something wouldn't be too bad, Castiel rationalised. His feet carried him towards the food before his brain kicked in. Groaning, he had run up the stairs and hid in his blankets. He was so fucked.

Maybe it wasn't really Sam's fault after all. Maybe it was Anna's for making him leave the house, or maybe even Dean's. Hadn't Sam said Dean had been ill? That that was the reason for Sam walking alone? Castiel decided he liked the idea of blaming Dean.

His life had been going perfectly awful before Dean decided to get involved. He had been fine letting his heart be replaced by a giant gaping hole. He was used to it. He was used to feeling like crap about himself. It was predictable and constant. The sadness was always going to be there and Castiel took comfort in that. Ever since his mother had died, he couldn't rely on much, but he had thought he could rely on this perpetual misery.

Stupid Dean Winchester with his stupid, green eyes and his stupid, perfect smile and his stupid, tanned skin, and muscular build. Stupid Dean Winchester and his confusing sexual orientation.

His words kept echoing in Castiel's mind.

Um, not so much.

What did that even mean?

His heart was going double time and he was feeling sort of sweaty. He didn't know how to deal with this sort of situation. He knew how to deal with Crowley. Crowley took what he wanted and didn't let Castiel protest. Cas knew a lost cause when he saw one, and negotiating with Crowley was never a good idea.

Castiel released another sigh. If sighs were currency, Castiel would be rich with the amount of sighing he did.

A soft knock on his door broke him out of his thoughts. He tugged his blanket tighter over his head and squeezed his eyes shut. If he couldn't see Anna, maybe Anna couldn't see him.

"Hey, what are you up to in here?"

"Sleeping," Castiel mumbled in reply.

"Seriously, you've been sleeping all day. Are you sure you're okay?" Concern filled her words.

Castiel pulled the sheets down to his stomach, "Yes, I'm quite all right. Just… being with my friends has exhausted me more than I had expected."

Anna's face lit up, "Yes, these friends. Tell me about them, what are their names?"

"Sam and Dean Winchester," He might as well tell his sister some truths.

"Oh," Anna's face turned as bright a red as her hair.

"Oh? What do you mean 'Oh'?" Castiel narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"I-It's nothing," She stammered, making Castiel glare.

Anna sighed; sighing must run in the family, "Dean, he's a huge flirt. He hits on anything with boobs," Castiel frowned at this, "and well, I was one of those lucky girls. I was really into him, and even though he's a year younger than me I still wanted him to fu−" Anna stopped, remembering she was talking to her brother, he cheeks flushed deeper still, "Anyway, we kissed once, then I graduated and I haven't seen him since. I always got the feeling he wasn't completely into me, though. Actually, that's what I've heard a lot of girls say. They say he's great in bed, but there is absolutely no connection between them. I don't think he's ever had a relationship that lasted more than a week."

Cas just kept staring at his sister. All he could think was Thank God they never had sex. He'd known most of that stuff about Dean, anyway. It wasn't that Dean was popular per se, but when you're as attractive as Dean, people talk.

"Well, that's fascinating, Anna. Why don't you go reminisce in your own bedroom?" Castiel said dryly.

"Shut up, Castiel. We're bonding right now. Just let it happen," She shoved Castiel's arm playfully.

"Please, by all means, continue telling me about all the boys you haven't had sex with," Castiel smirked.

"You little…" Anna snatched a pillow off his bed and proceeded to hit him in the stomach with it.

Castiel reacted by taking the pillow from under his head and whacking Anna on her shoulder, "This means war," he said seriously.

"I'm older, you don't have a chance of winning," Anna's pillow was flung at Castiel's face. Cas grabbed it from his sister and began a relentless attack.

Anna fell on the floor gasping for him to stop between fits of laughter. Castiel threw one of his pillow's on Anna's stomach then sat on her.

Castiel listened to the sound of his sister's breaths regulate. It was calming. For all the trouble she caused him, what with making it difficult for him to be self-destructive, he was glad he had at least her. Even if the rest of their family had left them.

"Gabriel would have loved that," Anna whispered softly. Her mind was obviously on the same train as Castiel's.

"Do you think he'll ever come back?" Castiel asked in a small voice.

"I'm not sure."

"Maybe if he knew Father was gone, he'd come back?"

"He probably would, but we've been over this, we have no way to contact him. We don't know where he is or if he's even…" If he's even had been worrying about the same thing. He missed his brother, he missed having a family, but any chance at having a normal life had been taken away along with his mother.

"At least, we know Father is still alive," Anna continued, "He wires us money every month, so at least we know he hasn't completely forgotten about us."

"Yes, that makes me feel so much better. Thank you, Anna," Castiel joked.

"I'm just saying, it could be worse."

"I do not see any possible way this could be worse. You still work very hard, very often," A frown was beginning to form on Castiel's face.

"Yeah, but we could be so poor that you couldn't go to school, then we'd have to sell drugs or become prostitutes. That's how it could be worse."

Castiel didn't know what to say. He often thought about dropping out of school or killing himself. He'd long stopped caring what happened to him, but the thought of Anna selling herself on the streets filled Castiel with a sort of dread. Anna had been partly joking, but the underlying seriousness of what she said, rang in Castiel's ears. Anna was sweet and surprisingly innocent despite the fact that she had been talking about sex mere moments ago. Anyone who took advantage of her, or abused her, deserved to go to hell.

"Anyway…" Anna drew out the word, lightening the mood, "Get off me, Fatass, and go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow bright and early."

FatassFatassFatassFatassFatassFatassFatassFatass. Anna's words ran through Castiel's head over and over. Was it so obvious to everyone? He'd been doing so well with his dieting. He was hungry all the time, he got dizzy spells every day, and he'd even been eating less than usual. Maybe if he didn't eat for a whole week, then he migh−

"Hello, Earth to Castiel. Are you in there?" Anna was waving a hand inches away from his face.

"My apologies," Castiel murmured, getting off his sister, offering her a hand up.

"No worries. I get it you're tired. Goodnight," Anna pulled her brother into a tight hug, smiling brilliantly.

"Goodnight."

As soon as his door was shut, he locked it and began undressing. He stood in front of his mirror examining his body. He poked at his hipbones; the skin was stretched tight against the bone. He felt somewhat pleased at the sight. His gaze traveled up his body to his stomach. He looked a little wide around the waist, but when he turned sideways, he looked thinner. It wasn't ideal and Castiel decided he would try and exercise his stomach more. His next focus was his ribs. When he first looked, it appeared they were sticking out, but the more he studied them, the more he worried they were strange fat rolls. He pushed out all the air from his lungs, so that his ribcage was more compressed. It gave him more of an illusion of being thin, which satisfied him, but as soon as he let his lungs work properly, he instantly despised how his torso grew. Eyes traveling up his chest, he noticed his sternum stuck out when he shifted positions, and his collarbones were quite prominent. His arms were decent. They held a bit too much muscle, which made them look large, as was the same with his legs, particularly his thighs.

Castiel glared at his stomach. Anna was right, he was getting fat. He needed to make sure he didn't let this go on any longer. He needed a reminder of how disgusting his body really was. He stormed over to his bed, ripping open the drawer on his bedside table and pulled out his favourite razor blade. It was one of his newer ones, still shiny with only a small speck of blood on the sharp left-hand corner. He lay back on his bed, head propped up on the pillows he'd retrieved from the floor. He studied his stomach for a moment, determining the best spot to place this reminder.

When he finally decided where to cut, he brought his razor blade down hard. He pushed and dragged slowly, making sure the cut would be deep enough to scar. The blood pooled immediately, making it difficult to see where to put the next cut. He swiped a tissue from the box on his side table and wiped away the blood, making two connecting lines to the first. He continued carving into himself until he was finished. The bite of the razor soothed him. He was focused on this task and this task alone.

When he was satisfied with his work, he grabbed an oversized black shirt and put it on. The blood was sure to soak through, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He wiped the blood off the razor and put it back with the others in his drawer. He turned off his light, then snuggled into bed. His stomach stung, but at least he would never forget he was FAT with the words sliced into his flesh.

Castiel had been right. The blood did seep through his shirt. He woke up with his navy blue sheets stained dark red, though he doubted it would be too noticeable after he washed them. His wounds had dried attached to the shirt, which was unfortunate for Castiel. Carefully, he tried to separate shirt from skin. It came off of the 'F' and the 'A' all right with very minor damage, but the 'T' was completely reopened. The blood started flowing again and Castiel cursed. He should have just bandaged them up before he went to sleep.

He padded into the bathroom, and wiped away the dried blood and new blood with a wet cloth. When that was all clean, he wrapped a bandage around himself. That was the thing about cutting, it was messy. Burning was easier, but there was just something about seeing the bright red blood leaving his body that Castiel loved. It filled him with a sense of empowerment that he wouldn't give up for the world.

Bandaging himself had wasted time; he was going to be late if he didn't get a move on. He brushed his teeth, then got dressed as quickly as he could, making sure he didn't make his cuts bleed any more. He ran past Anna, with an excuse about being late and not having time to talk. He forwent the apple, and felt proud of himself. He could do this, he could get fit. Castiel walked with purpose, the music from his iPod was near deafening, but he loved it. He felt like the main character from a movie, reborn overnight, and ready to face whatever his day had in store for him.

He wouldn't go so far as to say he was happy, but he couldn't help feeling how right this all was. He was slowly killing himself. He knew this and it thrilled him.

First period History, he took notes attentively hanging on his teacher's every word. He wasn't going to be around much longer, so why not just put up with the shit everyone threw at him. It would all be over soon.

The bell rang and he found a set of green eyes burning a hole through him. He hadn't realised Dean was in this class. Today had been the first day he wasn't completely stoned, though, so that explained his poor knowledge of his classmates.

Castiel wasn't sure if he should acknowledge Dean or not. He sort of just wanted to scurry off to his next class and ignore everyone around him. Castiel knew he couldn't do that, not with the most beautiful boy he had ever seen staring at him like he meant something to him. Castiel shuffled his feet and looked down at his scuffed shoes nervously. A pair of work boots entered Castiel's line of vision, making him whip his head up to meet forest green eyes.

"So, you're not a ninja today," Dean stated. His eyes crinkled at the corners and his plush lips, exposed perfect rows of white teeth.

"Pardon me?" Castiel tilted his head quizzically.

"You know, you're always disappearing. Like, one minute you're there, the next you're gone. Only ninja's have fucking awesome moves like that, so… yeah. Ninja." Dean broke their eye contact, glancing at their shoes. His hands were shoved in his pockets and his shoulders were drawn up to his ears protectively.

"I can assure you, I most certainly am not a ninja. I have simply succeeded in the art of invisibility. Metaphorically speaking, of course." There was just something about talking to Dean that made the pit in his chest try to rebuild itself. It felt strange, but not necessarily bad strange.

"Well, I'm glad you haven't turned into The Invisible Man yet. I actually wanted to ask you something," Castiel looked at Dean dubiously, "Don't worry, I'm not asking you out. I won't try that again for a little while, but I just wanted to know if you wanted to eat lunch together today. Not gonna lie, I've been looking for you pretty much every day. You're really good at that invisible thing. So, lunch. Yes? No?"

Lunch. With Dean.

Castiel wanted to say yes. He really did, but he didn't eat lunch and he didn't want Dean asking questions. He really shouldn't say yes. Besides, his spot was private. He wasn't going to sit in the crowded cafeteria, so he'd want to go to his rubbish pile. Dean couldn't find out about his secret corner of the school, it was Castiel's.

"Yes," Castiel said firmly.

Dean's eyes widened, as did Castiel's as he realised what he'd just said.

"Awesome. Where do you want to meet up?" Dean's eyes were bright with excitement. It was surreal knowing that he put that spark there.

"Meet me by the doors in the math wing," Apparently today was opposite day. Everything Castiel wanted to say came out wrong. What happened to his secrecy?

"Great, see ya, Cas," Dean grinned and the corner of Castiel's lip twitched up.

There was that nickname again. The pit inside of him was definitely trying to get smaller.

He stayed in place, watching the door Dean had just walked through. The late bell rang, snapping Castiel back into reality. There was a girl watching him predatorily, waiting to occupy the desk Castiel was stood at. She was very pretty with chocolate brown waves of hair cascading around her round face. She looked a bit like a doll, if Castiel ignored the way she held herself which clearly screamed 'bad girl'.

"Hey there, Gorgeous. I'm Meg," Her smile widened as she moved closer to Castiel, "I haven't seen you around before. Are you new?" Castiel was thoroughly confused by this girl's actions. What was happening right now?

"No, I am not new," Castiel's low, gravelly voice made something in Meg's eyes change and suddenly all he wanted was to get out of there.

"Well, where have you been hiding, Clarence?" Meg purred, reaching for Castiel's arm.

"I don't understand. Who's Clarence?" Castiel asked stepping out of range of Meg's hand.

Meg just laughed, "Maybe, I'll see you around sometime."

Castiel seriously hoped he didn't, but didn't say so. Mrs. Wellsh was watching him, silently asking him to go to his proper class. Castiel nodded and ran out of the room and away from that Meg girl.

The hallways were completely clear of students, to Castiel's relief. He found it was easier to travel around the school when he wasn't trying to avoid getting elbowed or shoved around. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob of his next class. He'd never been late before, so he didn't know if there was some sort of protocol he was supposed to follow.

Ignoring his worries, he pushed opened the door to the room. Everyone's eyes were drawn immediately to Castiel. He shrunk in on himself, trying to become a smaller target. Mumbling an apology to his teacher, he took his seat and took out his notebook.

Castiel slumped in his seat and stared at the clock, watching the seconds and minutes go by. Lunch seemed like an eternity away, and Castiel couldn't wait to see Dean.