Castiel was a great ball of nerves, when lunch time finally arrived. He shouldn't have agreed to sit with Dean, it was just going to end poorly for everyone involved.
Regardless of his reluctance, Cas shuffled over to the place he and Dean had agrees upon to meet.
Dean was already there, leaning against the door, looking out the window, completely at ease. His face was a mask of calm, which made Castiel feel better. If Dean didn't think this lunch date was a big deal, maybe it wouldn't be too bad.
Castiel spent a couple of minutes just watching Dean. He couldn't believe someone that gorgeous actually wanted to spend time with him.
Dean chose that moment to look up. He caught Castiel's eye, and it was as if the clouds had parted revealing the brilliant light of the sun. Dean's face was glowing as he beamed at Cas, motioning for him to come over to him.
Castiel tore his gaze from Dean's, choosing to stare at the linoleum floor as he approached Dean. The janitor really needs to be more thorough in his administrations, Castiel mused, walking past a large dust bunny.
"Hey, Cas." Oh. He was standing inches away from the other boy, completely invading his personal space.
"Hello, Dean."
"So where are we headed?" Dean inquired, smile still in place.
"Follow me," Castiel instructed, pushing open the door and walking outside. There was a slight chill in the air, but Castiel didn't mind. If anything, he appreciated the way it made him more aware of his surroundings, namely Dean who was so close. If Castiel shifted his steps subtly to his right, they would be pressed against each other. The thought comforted Cas. He wasn't alone in this moment; he had someone who wanted to be with him for what felt like the first time ever.
Castiel led the way into his little junk filled alcove, sitting on the old tyre he had begun to think of as his.
"Is this where you go every day?" Dean was examining the place with a speculative eye.
"Yes."
"Cool. You know, I didn't even know this place existed," Dean said appreciatively, sitting next to Cas on the giant tyre.
"That was the point. No one would be able to find me here. It's quiet and isolated."
"You don't talk to people much, do you?" Castiel refused to return Dan's gaze, at this.
"No, I don't. I usually just speak with my sister, Anna." Castiel picked absentmindedly at a loose thread on his jeans.
"That's cool. I only really have two friends, Jo and Ash. Besides them, the only other person I bother talking to is Sammy."
"Aren't they missing you right now?" Castiel peeked up at Dean.
"Nah. They practically kicked me away when I told them I was planning on eating with you?" Dean began to dig through his backpack, looking for something.
This information baffled Castiel, "Why would they do that?"
Dean shrugged, still rummaging in his sack. "They know how I feel about you, so…" Dean trailed off, having found what he had been looking for: a ham sandwich. "Do you have a lunch? You can have half, if you want." Dean held out a triangle of bread and meat.
Castiel shook his head, "No thank you. I'm fine."
"Dude, how are you not starving? I haven't eaten since breakfast and I feel like I'm going to die if this sandwich does not get in me now." He proved his point by taking a huge bite.
"I already ate last period. Mr. Guenther doesn't mind, so I like to eat then."
Dean nodded, "That's understandable. If my teacher wasn't such a bitch I'd be eating too. There should be two lunch periods because, let's be real, everyone needs more time for food."
Castiel twisted his hands together and clenched his jaw. He'd rather talk about anything other than this.
"How is Sam doing?" Castiel awkwardly changed the subject.
"He's good," Dean answered around a mouthful of food. Castiel didn't find it nearly as repulsive as he would have if it had been anyone else.
"I'm pretty sure, the kid managed to catch himself a girlfriend," Dean continued, smirking, "She's real pretty too. Way out of little Sammy's league."
"That must be nice for Sam," Castiel found himself relaxing more into the conversation.
"He doesn't really talk about her much. Whenever I bring her up, he starts blushing like a girl. It's fun to embarrass him." Castiel loved hearing Dean talk about Sam. Even though he was making fun of his little brother, it was evident how much he really cared for Sam. Anna was a good sister. Castiel loved her, but their relationship was nothing compared to the Winchester's.
They were silent for a moment, both lost in different thoughts. Castiel was thinking about the family he never got to have, but Dean was thinking about something else entirely.
"Are you seeing anyone?" Dean asked suddenly, wiping crumbs from his hands onto his jeans.
Castiel's eyes widened. He opened his mouth, but shut it immediately. He wasn't sure if Dean would try to ask him out again, and he wasn't sure what his answer would be if Dean did.
"I'm just curious. I already told you I'm gonna wait a while before tryin' to ask you out again."
Slowly Castiel looked up into Dean's earnest eyes. He wasn't sure what he was seeing in the depths of those beautiful eyes. There were secrets there − that was for sure − as well as pain. Castiel hated seeing the other boy in pain, even if it was only a small fraction of the pain he knew one could feel, and he knew, in that moment, that if Dean did ask him out, he'd say yes easily, anything to take away the hurt.
"No, I am not currently dating anybody," His response was steady, while his heart beat frantically and his palms had begun to sweat.
Dean smiled warmly at Castiel's answer, his eyes lit with hope. It was too much to witness, so Cas looked away at the overflowing dumpster.
"You walk home every day, right?"
Castiel returned his focus to Dean, tilting his head in confusion, "Yes, I do. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I was just thinking that I could give you rides to and from school if you wanted. Your house isn't out of our way, so it wouldn't be a pain in my ass or anything." It was Dean's turn to fidget uncomfortably now.
Castiel was about to say yes. The word was right on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't say it. Walking was great exercise for him, it would keep him in shape, and he needed to be fit, desperately, "It's alright. Thank you, Dean, but I like walking."
"Are you sure? 'Cause you know you can go for a walk whenever you want."
Castiel considered this carefully. He could go walking later, maybe even run since he wouldn't be lugging around his heavy book bag. He could make a whole workout out of this opportunity. Besides, hadn't he been wanting this yesterday? More chances to be in the Impala? "You have a valid point. I think it would be most agreeable to ride with you and Sam."
"Yes!" Dean fist pumped, laughing. It was a nice laugh that made Castiel want to be responsible for many more of them.
"Where shall I find you after school?"
"Umm, well, class is about to start in a couple of minutes, so how about you walk with me to my locker so you know where it is, then we can meet there later?" Dean did that nervous habit of his where he rubs the back of his neck.
"All right," Castiel's lips betrayed him, turning up into a small, shy smile.
"Awesome!" Dean stood up, grinning, shouldering his backpack before offering Cas his hand. Castiel took it and was reminded of when they had first properly met in the boys' toilets. He blushed, just as he had blushed then. He almost regretted storming out on Dean that day, but he was still unsure of the sincerity of Dean's feelings towards him. It didn't seem like Dean was making fun of him behind his back, but teenagers could be cruel and unpredictable. Until Cas was aware of Dean's intentions with him, it would be best to be more cautious around the other boy.
The moment they stepped inside the school, Castiel ceased any effort to continue speaking. Dean noticed, protectively moving closer to him. Castiel appreciated it, but the anxiety of being in the crowded hall was still too overwhelming.
"So, this here is my locker." Dean announced, unlocking his locker in a way that made the combination visible to Castiel. 23-5-27. Cas wasn't sure why, but he decided to commit those numbers to memory. He repeated the numbers over and over in his head. The mantra eased his frayed nerves and cleared his mind of almost all anxieties.
"What class do you have now?" Dean interrupted Cas's meditation, smiling brilliantly.
"Maths," Castiel's answer was immediate.
"Ugh, that sucks. I've got Biology, though, so I guess we both have shitty classes." Castiel nodded in agreement, "So, meet me here after school?" Dean asked.
"Yes, of course." Castiel turned back to the math wing eager to get away from Dean so he could think properly.
Honestly, Castiel loved the attention Dean was giving him. Dean wasn't demanding anything in return except for Castiel's mostly silent company, which was a really great deal on Castiel's part, because while his company was worth nothing, he was finding Dean's was worth very much.
Castiel was anticipating the ride in Dean's car. If only that ride wasn't returning him to a cold, empty house, Cas would be content. He was quickly becoming aware of the fact that Dean's actions were most likely genuine. It was difficult to understand why Dean of all people would be interested in him, but Castiel was very glad he was.
Castiel decided that, perhaps, it wouldn't be so bad being friends with Dean. He didn't think he could be anything more yet, but maybe someday if Dean was willing to wait… but that was ridiculous. Of course, Dean wouldn't want to wait around for Castiel. Dean would most likely get tired of all of Castiel's shit and leave him for someone like Lisa Braeden.
While most students were unaware of Castiel, Cas was fairly aware of them. He'd hear the boys talk about how 'fucking sweet it would be to get a piece of that ass' while the girls wished they had her golden tanned skin and luscious hair. He was sure Dean would get swept up in Lisa's beauty like everyone else. It would only be a matter of time. After all, he had noticed Lisa watching Dean a few times. No, it would be best to just be friends.
At the end of the day, Cas made his may over to Dean's locker with new determination. He wanted this whole friend thing to work. He needed it to work. Castiel was getting so very tired of being lonely.
He shuffled from foot to foot trying to avoid the mass of teenagers, as he waited for Dean to arrive. Castiel considered unlocking Dean's locker to save time, but was worried Dean might find that a little too creepy and weird. Thankfully he didn't have to wait too much longer before he heard Dean's friendly voice greeting him.
"Hey, man. Sorry to make you wait," Dean apologised.
"It's fine," Castiel could feel himself become less tense, due to his close proximity to Dean.
Cas watched as Dean struggled with his lock for a while, face scrunched up in concentration. Castiel thought it was quite endearing as he blushed and looked away. He could hear the click of the lock opening and the thump of books as Dean tossed them to the bottom of his locker.
"Ready to go?" Dean asked, nudging Cas lightly with his elbow. Castiel looked up into Dean's eyes and nodded, fighting to keep the grin off his face.
The hallway had cleared out making it easier to maneuver their way out of the school and into the parking lot. Castiel couldn't help but let a small smile escape as he took in the sight of Dean's beauty of a car and the proud look on Dean's face as he noticed Cas admiring his car. Sam was standing by the passenger door, but as soon as he saw Castiel, he backed up to let Cas take the front passenger's seat.
This small gesture made Castiel feel like he finally belonged somewhere, like the Winchester's could be his family. The idea was ludicrous, of course. He hardly knew Sam or Dean, and he seriously doubted they'd even want a permanent fixture, such as Cas, to occupy their lives. Castiel dug the nails of his right hand into his cut up stomach, making him wince in much deserved pain, to be rid of that bitter longing he felt in his gut.
Dean unlocked the doors, letting the three boys into the car. The scent of the Impala made Castiel feel safe, and as much as he knew he couldn't, he wanted nothing more than to stay in that car, with Dean driving them anywhere and everywhere.
The purr of the engine and the violent sound of some classic rock song Castiel was unfamiliar with only enhanced the notion that this was Castiel's new sanctuary. He felt embarrassed at his rampant thoughts and hid his face in his trench coat, as a blush coloured his lightly tanned cheeks. Though his imaginings made him uncomfortable, Castiel couldn't deny the truth to them. He wanted to stay in the easy company of his new friends, and avoid returning to his cold and empty house for as long as possible.
Castiel's worries were interrupted by Sam's curious voice, "Are you coming over, Castiel?"
Cas started, unsure of how he should answer. He had just been wishing for this opportunity, but he didn't want to impose himself upon these people.
"It's cool if you don't want to or can't, but it would be pretty awesome if you did come over," Dean said after an awkward pause.
"That would be quite pleasing, actually. Thank you," Castiel responded, butterflies fluttering madly in his stomach.
"Awesome!" Dean cheered. Castiel was surprised by the honesty he saw radiating off of Dean at his exclamation. It was so pure, it made Cas's breath catch in awe. He would never understand what Dean saw in him.
A hint of guilt washed over Castiel. He felt as if he had somehow tricked Dean into thinking he was worth something. It was a despicable act, no matter how unintended it was. His reasonably good mood vanished and he dug his fingers into him stomach, disrupting his healing cuts, as punishment.
A little gasp escaped Castiel's mouth as his fingers pressed harder.
"You okay there, Cas?" Dean asked, glancing worriedly at his passenger, then back at the road.
"Yes, thank you," Castiel replied.
Dean's brow was furrowed in confusion, but he soon shrugged, dismissing his previous concern.
It wasn't long before they pulled into the garage of a small, rundown house. The front lawn was overgrown, and there were some dead plants in the tiny garden. The windows were dirty, the paint on their frames was peeling. It was nowhere near as extravagant as Cas' house, but for some reason it felt homier. It had character, it held the stories of the Winchesters.
Castiel could easily imagine the two brothers throwing a ball back and forth, when they were younger, while their mother made them lemonade and there father stood watching proudly, giving advice in regards to better throw or receive. The little scenario Castiel had created in his head made him want to smile. It would have been nice to grow up like that, though the lack of upkeep to the house's outside made Castiel wonder when things would have changed for the Winchester family.
"Well," Dean said somewhat awkwardly, turning off the engine of the Impala, "this is home. Where I live. With Sam…"
A snicker came from the backseat prompting Cas to turn around and see Sam rolling his eyes as he gathered his things and got out of the car.
"Shut up, Sammy!" Dean called gruffly to his brother.
Castiel watched the exchanged with equal amounts of amusement and confusion. Of course, Dean could have been more eloquent, but he didn't see any reason to poke fun at his wording. Castiel also didn't understand why there was a deep crimson blush crawling up Dean's neck, tinting his cheeks and ears a lighter shade of rose.
Before Cas could ask any questions, Dean was getting out of the car too, cocking his head towards the door to his house, encouraging Cas to follow him into his domain.
The first thing Castiel noticed when he passed the threshold was the smell. It was very strong and very fake, as if it had been used to mask something putrid. It wasn't necessarily a bad smell, in fact it smelt like a variety of citrus fruits blended together with a few spices thrown into the mix. It would have been fine if the air freshener had been used moderately, but this was excessive.
"Sorry," Dean mumbled beside him, after noticing Castiel wrinkle his nose against the cloying perfume, "but believe me, it smelt about eight thousand times worse before we febrezed the place."
Castiel nodded, wondering what possible could have garnered the utilisation of such a cover up scent.
"C'mon, if we go upstairs, it won't be so bad," Dean made his way through the house to the staircase, where they made their ascent into Dean's room.
Castiel wasn't sure how to act being alone in Dean's room. Sam had wandered off somewhere leaving the two boys to their own devices.
Dean dumped his bag on the floor, making himself comfortably sat on his bed.
Cautiously, Castiel followed Dean's actions and perched himself on the very edge of the left corner of Dean's bed. He sat stiffly, taking in the way Dean's room reflected him perfectly. There were clothes piled on the floor, namely a multitude of plaid shirts and classic rock band shirts. His walls bore several posters of the aforementioned bands on the t-shirts as well as some classic cars. A photo of what must have been Dean, his parents and Sam when they were younger was on Dean's desk.
"Is that your family?" Cas asked, unable to come up with anything bright to say.
Dean's mouth twitched into a frown before he answered with a sigh and a nod of his head.
Castiel tilted his head slightly and squinted at Dean trying to figure out what that was supposed to mean.
"My mum died soon after that was taken." Dean finally replied, voice void of any emotion.
There went Castiel's imagined idea of Dean and Sam's childhood. No mother, no lemonade, what else had they lost?
Cas shifted uncomfortable and began picking nervously at his knuckles, "My condolences. I…" A slightly shaky breath was expelled from his body and his knuckles slowly welled with blood as he continued to pick at them. Another breath, and…"I myself lost my mother…"
"Man, it fucking sucks, doesn't it?" Dean expressed dropping a heavy fist into his mattress.
Castiel just nodded.
"And y'know the worst part? The worst fucking part is that I didn't just lose my mum that day, I lost my dad too! I mean, he didn't die or anything, but after mum he just lost it! Started drinking, neglecting Sammy and me. I never got a fucking childhood! I had to look out for Sam. I was four and I had to make sure Sam got fed! What sort of bullshit is that?"
Castiel felt the heavy weight of guilt settle into his gut. Here he was, having given Dean and Sam a wonderful childhood in his head, but unable to give that falsity to Dean as a reality. He couldn't make Dean happy, in fact, he'd even upset him. Of all the things to talk about, why had he chosen family? It wasn't as if his family was anything to rave about, why did he have to go intruding in other people's business.
"Some date this turned out to be." Dean chuckled darkly.
"I have to go." Cas said suddenly, not hearing what Dean had just said. He stood up sharply and spun on his heel and out the bedroom door.
"Wait, Cas!" Dean called, "I didn't mean this was a date! I told you I'd wait until you were ready! Please don't leave."
Cas managed to navigate his way to the front door, mind a chaotic mess of self-hatred and an overwhelming need to hurt himself. He clawed at his stomach through his shirt, ripping off some of the scabbing, letting the smallest bit of blood seep through his clothing.
"Cas!" Dean sounded exasperated and upset and Cas hated himself for making Dean sound like that.
"Goodbye." Castiel managed to get out, before racing out the door, running as fast as he could.
The run made his head spin and his ribs sear as they tried hopelessly to breath in oxygen. His legs were burning and his shoulders hurt from carrying his school bag, but he kept running. He pushed himself harder and harder, not even sure where he was or where he was going all he knew was pain and he held on to that pain as tightly as he could.
He'd been an idiot to think he could be anything other than the dirt under Dean's shoes. He didn't deserve the kindness he had been shown, whether it had been genuine or not. He was worthless, so very, very worthless.
Tears ran their own trails down his face, blurring his vision, making it impossible to see properly, but still he ran.
Dean needed people who could make him happy. People who could make him smile and laugh. He didn't need a fuckup like Castiel to make his life even harder.
He only stopped running when he tripped over a rather large rock. His hands shot out to catch himself, but his chin still got scraped by another rock.
He sat himself up letting more of his blood run from his palms and chin. He wiped the moisture away from his eyes, clearing his vision, making him cry out like a severely wounded animal.
It was that spot. The spot he had vowed never to return because it reminded him too much of his mother. After all, it had been their place. It felt wrong to be there without his mother beside him smiling and pointing out the ducks or frogs.
Why had his legs carried him there? It was just rubbing salt into his wounds, as if he needed a reminder of how he couldn't have someone else he had cared for.
It was just a little lake or maybe it was a river, Castiel wasn't sure, but it held so many memories. He remembered splashing around when he was little while his mother watched, eating a picnic as a light shower spat at them in the sunny sky, skipping rocks, saving a fish, spouting out water from his mouth and onto his mother as she laughed, the sound like wind chimes and butterfly wings fluttering.
The pain of these memories was too much. He needed to escape, but he couldn't get his legs to support him. Instead he reached into his pack and pulled out a bag full of multi-coloured pills he kept for occasions such as the one he was currently suffering through. He reached into the baggie and picked a couple spring green coloured pills. He took them with the water from the river and waited before complete euphoria took over.
