What? Two chapters, two days in a row? It's unbelievable! I was very inspired today. I even started the other chapter already! Which means they'll be a sneak peek at the end of this. PLEASE REVIEW!
Chapter 7: iNeed Shock Therapy
I hadn't told Carly the whole truth about Allie. After the kiss, there was a lot more to it than us saying it was a mistake. I was just tired of Carly hitting me so I lied. I told you it was getting easier for me to lie nowadays.
Allie and I kissed a soft, sweet, and gentle kiss. I knew in my head I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. My head wasn't on straight right now. I was upset, confused, and devastated. There's was just no stopping though. Then what started as a simple kiss, turned into something more; something so much more.
A lot of people didn't know, but Sam and I had lost our virginity to each other. So, obviously, Allie and I had sex during our relationship. Tonight, I knew it was going to happen again. Except this time we weren't in a relationship and I was in love with someone else. I was lost and sad about Sam, that I just wanted to forget. Allie was offering so I was taking. I was taking every bit I could get and I pushed her down on the bed. As much as I liked Allie, I knew it wasn't love anymore. I could tell by the way I wanted her so much.
That probably didn't make a lot of sense. I wanted her so badly. I wanted her because I couldn't have Sam. I wanted her because I was rejected and she was accepting me. In that moment though, I didn't care. I just wanted to forget and only think of Allie. I kissed her neck and she moaned a little. I kept thinking her name over and over again in my head. Allie, Allie, Allie. I started to realize what I was doing was wrong, and I was starting to care. I didn't want that happening. For once in my life, I didn't want to care about anything. 'I want this. I want Allie.' I kept saying that in my head. I looked at her and I started creeping my hand up her leg. "You sure?" I asked.
She nodded quickly and I kissed her again.
The deed was done. Allie and I were putting our clothes back on. I had felt so terrible. The sex didn't mean anything like it used to; not to me. It was just a way to escape. Great. Other people use alcohol or drugs but nope. Freddie Benson is too good for all that. I just use people. I was such a terrible person. I grabbed my shirt from the floor and sat down on the chair that belonged to Allie's vanity table. I sat there and watched her put her sexy nightgown on. There was no denying this girl was one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. How could I do this to her? She didn't deserve what I had just done to her. "What's wrong?" Allie asked.
I saw her coming up to me. I tried to smile at her. "What makes you think something's wrong?" I asked her.
"I was your girlfriend for 5 months," she answered. "You don't think I know you by now. Plus you forgot to put on your boxers before you put on your pants like 3 times in a row."
She laughed and I tried to join her. It was weak. "Allie, you're a wonderful person.
Allie smiled a gorgeous smile. "That's sweet Freddie," she thanked me.
I got up from the chair and grabbed her from the waist. I kissed her softly and then hugged her tightly. When we pulled away and I cupped her face with my hands. "I think this was a mistake," I whispered. "I'm so sorry Al. You are such an amazing person and so beautiful; inside and out. But—"
"You still love Sam," she finished for me. "I know that Freddie. You don't have to keep reminding me."
She sat down on her bed clearly hurt. "Al, I'm really sorry," I tried.
"Look, Sam doesn't love you," she said.
"I know that Allie," I sighed. "And you don't have to remind me of that."
I put on my shirt and was about to put on my shoes to leave. "Wait, Freddie," Allie stopped me. "I didn't mean it like that it's just that…I'm right here for you. I do love you and you know it."
I shook my head and put on my jacket. "That's not the problem," I admitted. "What we just did…wasn't supposed to happen. I knew it was wrong but I didn't care."
She looked at me a little befuddled. "I'm not sure I know what you mean? What's wrong with two people who love each other—"
That's when she figured out what I trying to say. "Oh…" she trailed off not knowing what to say.
"Allie, I love you, but I really don't know if I'm in love with you anymore." I went and sat down on the bed frustrated. "I'm just so confused. I'm confused, hurt, I don't what to think, and I don't even know who I am anymore. I mean I'm not the kind of guy that does this to someone. Especially someone he really cares about."
Allie looked at me and smiled half-heartedly. "Are you really done with Sam?" I nodded my head. I was never dealing with this kind of pain again. "So how about this? You go and take some time to think, and then you and I will go out for dinner this weekend, and we will talk about our relationship and whether it can work out or not. Sound good?"
"Sounds great," I smiled. I pecked her lips and went on my way.
Carly was so right. I am a player. I'm not very good at it either. But at that point I really thought I was done. Something about that conversation between Sam and I though sparked something inside me. I had to keep trying. The dinner wasn't supposed to be until Saturday and it was three days away. I didn't know if I should wait or if I should tell her now. I didn't want to tell Allie anything. I didn't want to hurt her. But I was getting over her and rather quickly. I thought it was probably because of what was going on with Sam.
Something was definitely changing between us, ever since that kiss we shared. I sat down at a nearby table and pulled out my phone. I hovered over the number 3 which was her speed dial number. It took me at least 30 seconds to finally press that button. Then I realized I still had to press the call button. I hovered over that for another 15 seconds and decided that I couldn't do it. I wouldn't even know how to tell her. I was such a mess. It seemed like the more and more I got into this situation, the more and more stuck I get. I was tired of being confused every five minutes.
This is something I had to see through either way. I wasn't going to let myself down. Something sparked that night we kissed, and I was going to make sure it wasn't my imagination. I got up from the table and left the Groovy Smoothie. I decided that I would need Carly's help for this. No one knows Sam better than her. That would mean I'd have to tell her the truth about Allie and I. At this point I had no choice. If I wanted to get Sam back, I had to bring in my secret weapon.
o0o0o0o
Carly rubbed both her temples with her fingertips as if she had a headache, or was thinking really hard. She finally looked up at me and I had a scared look on my face. I had just told her everything from Allie to the Groovy Smoothie incident. We were sitting in the web studio in the bean bag chairs. We had just finished shooting iCarly. Luckily, Sam had to go bail her mom out of jail. We didn't ask why. We didn't want to know.
I waited patiently as Carly just stared at me and shook her head. I didn't really know if she was upset, mad, or just as confused as I was. I was just hoping I wouldn't get hit again. "Told you so," Carly said.
I cocked my eyebrow at her. "Told me what?" I asked clearly perplexed.
"You should've just told Sam the truth that day you kissed her, and none of this would've happened," she answered me shaking her head again. "And if Sam didn't have feelings for you, what happened last night would've probably been ok. But because you refuse to listen to your best friend, you are turning out to be a player. No wait, it's called 'playa'."
"Look," I started, "None of this was supposed to happen. I had a plan and I was ready to tell Sam everything. You have to understand how crazy I feel right now and how hard it is. And I feel awful about what I did with Allie."
Carly sighed. "Freddie, you have to figure this out," she said. "You're a wreck over two girls that you aren't even dating."
"I know I just…" I trailed off lost in thought. She was right. I needed to figure this out quickly.
"I think maybe I can help," she said.
"What? Shock therapy?"
She chuckled. I really wish she had a good plan because I was drawing a blank. "Are you in love with Allie?" she asked.
That was a really good question. I had been thinking about that the past couple of days since it happened. I felt like I was getting over her. Except for when I see her or hear her name. It was like someone would tug on my heartstrings a little. Of course, that just sounds like someone who has feelings for someone else. I knew I had feelings for Allie. There was no way not to after being together for almost six months and still spending some time together. I just didn't know if it was still love or not.
Carly waited patiently for my answer. I thought about it for a couple seconds more. "No," I finally answered. "I still have feelings for her, but I'm not in love with her anymore."
She nodded. "Are you in love with Sam?" She asked this time.
"Head over heels in love," I said without any hesitation.
"There's your answer."
I understood what she meant. I had to think about if I was in love with Allie or not. With Sam I just knew I was. "So how do I tell Allie?" I asked.
Carly shrugged. "Honestly," she said.
I nodded. "Yeah, honesty," I groaned.
o0o0o0o
I made a decision not to wait until the dinner to tell Allie. I didn't think it would be fair to have her hope and then bring her back down. It would've been an awkward dinner anyway. I called her about an hour ago to meet me at my apartment. I had been sitting on the couch trying to think of ways to say it to her. How do you tell someone that you don't love them? How can you put them down easy?
I didn't want to hurt her at all. Especially after I used her the way I did. I didn't mean to use her but my heart was broken and she was there; willing and accepting. Allie was such an amazing girl and would be the perfect match for me. As they say though; the heart wants what the heart wants. There was a knock on the door. I took a deep breath to prepare myself and got up from the couch to open the door. Allie was standing there beautiful as ever.
"Hi," she greeted bashfully.
"Hey," I said smiling. "Come on in."
I gestured her inside and she went ahead and sat on the couch. I sat down beside her. "Allie—"
"I know," she interrupted. I looked at her clueless. "I'm not stupid Freddie. I knew it wasn't going to happen. Surprisingly, I'm ok with it. I love you and they say if you love someone set them free right?"
I didn't say anything. I could tell she was holding back some tears. I hugged her tightly, feeling like I've said "sorry" to her way too many times. I'm sure I had reached my quota. She hugged back just as tightly and sighed in content. We pulled away and I pulled a strand of hair out of her face. "You are a remarkable person, Allison Jenkins," I told her honestly.
She shrugged and smiled. "So I've heard," she joked.
I kissed her forehead and hugged her one more time. "I better go," Allie said getting up from the couch. "I hope you get her someday."
"Thanks," I whispered.
She walked to the door and paused before putting her hand on the doorknob. She turned around and I saw a tear fall down her cheek. I sighed angry with myself that I made her feel this way. "Oh, Allie," I said and went over to hug her again.
She started sobbing and just held her tighter. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I wasn't supposed to do this in front of you."
I smiled slightly and kissed her temple. "You should know by now that you don't have to be strong around me," I said. "Allie just because we aren't together doesn't mean I don't feel something for you. I still care for you. I always will. You know that, right?"
She nodded and pulled away. "I'll be ok," she promised. "Can I just ask for one thing?"
"Anything."
"Can we share one last kiss, please?"
I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. I wanted to be completely over Allie to try to pursue Sam. Kissing her might've brought back those feelings. I had to give her something though. I couldn't bear to hurt her anymore. I grabbed her close to me and kissed her. I could tell that this was a goodbye kiss, and I know she could feel it too. This kiss was so hard on me too. I knew I was saying goodbye for good. It didn't mean goodbye to just Allie, but goodbye to my safe haven; goodbye to a person I might've had a future with. It was a goodbye to a best friend. It was hard, passionate, and heartbreaking all at the same time.
"Oh, my god," I heard a voice say.
I broke away from the kiss and looked up at the doorway. It was Sam. Crap!
Sneak Peek for Chapter 8: iCan't Believe You
Sam left so fast that I didn't even have time to register what had just happened to ask her about it. Did she even notice what she just did? I ran into the house to see if I could catch up with her before she left but she was gone by the time I made it to the living room.
I smiled. Maybe it was actually working. Maybe it was time to actually tell her exactly how I felt about her.
