A/N: I'll just leave this here
Five years. It had been five years and nothing, he thought maybe the surgery and chemo had worked but he knew it wasn't a cure just an extension of time but now his life had gone to shit again, the cancer was back and Merlin couldn't help but feel just a bit disappointed. Yes so he managed to graduate university with honours and he was happy with that, his parents were proud and he's been with Arthur for what, three years now. He was the most important thing in Merlin's life and all of sudden that was about to be ripped from him savagely and there was nothing he could do to stop the inevitable.
Now he was faced with the task of telling Arthur something that will potentially ruin his life and Merlin wasn't quite ready for that, but he thought sooner rather than later would be better. Merlin didn't exactly want to be on his death bed when Arthur found out so this was the best time to tell him. That way if he wanted to leave he could, and he can get an early start in recovering and also wouldn't have to be there when the time comes and Merlin had to say goodbye for good.
He breathed in the crisp evening air, his head felt heavy and his eyes were sore but he pushed open the door to the pub and shuffled in spotting Arthur's golden hair immediately.
"Arthur" he said meekly. Arthur turned round from the bar to look at Merlin, his smile faded and was replaced by concern and worry as soon he saw the other man looking utterly defeated. "Arthur I need to speak with you"
"Merlin what's the matter?"
"Can we go home please?"
"Of course"
The drive was slow and quiet. Merlin spent the entire time fiddling with the cuff of his jacket and trying to figure out how to say what needed to be said. When they got back to their house Merlin toed off his shoes and walked straight to the sofa, Arthur following suit.
They both collapsed into the comfy cushions but Merlin didn't look up, he looked weak, paler than usual and entirely deflated and Arthur hated seeing him like this. He placed a hand on the other man's knee and squeezed gently. Merlin looked up and flashed a watery smile and Arthur could see the tears building up in his blue eyes.
"Merlin you're scaring me what's the matter, has something happened?"
Merlin let out a heavy sigh. Better get it over with he thought.
"I went for a scan yesterday" He said bitterly. Arthur just nodded and held his hand. "you know mandatory check-up and when they came back they all just said 'I'm so sorry Merlin' because do you know what Arthur?" he let out a choked laugh "Not to sound like Augustus Waters but well my head lit up like a fucking Christmas tree."
Arthur sat there stunned and he felt tears begin to gush down his face. He barely whispered "Merlin..."
"I'm sorry Arthur"
"Why on earth are you apologising? You have nothing to be sorry for Merlin" he grabbed the man and held him close
"I just feel like shit though. I thought that maybe just maybe after five years I was one of the percentages that the surgery worked for, that I could live out the rest of my life relatively normal. I have everything I've ever really wanted and I have you Arthur and I'm going to lose you because that's just how the universe works isn't it?
You have something good but then something has to come along and destroy that happiness. We're going to have to say goodbye and I don't want to Arthur I don't want to leave you." by now he was sobbing violently into Arthur's chest soaking through his T-shirt. "Life dare I say it Arthur, is a fucking bitch that will fuck everyone over as soon as they have something to live for."
"I hate to ask and I know I'm not going to like the answer but Merlin..."
"Mmm?" his reply muffled through the tears and the clothing.
"How long do you have?"
Merlin pulled himself away from Arthur's chest and wiped his cheeks and eyes; he looked sullenly at the other man and spoke softly "they say about six months if I'm lucky"
"Okay"
For a while they both sat there in silence not daring to speak in case one happened to say the wrong thing. It wasn't uncomfortable but it was just too quiet for Merlin's liking, even if he did just give his boyfriend some devastating news but he needed to say something. So he grabbed the TV remote and leant against Arthur's side just as he always did.
"At least your dad will be happy in all of this." Arthur looked down; he had a slightly hurt expression on his face.
"Merlin, don't be daft, what are you talking about? Don't say things like that."
"Yeah but c'mon Arthur, I know he said all that about me being great and he'd welcome me to the family but he's never really adjusted to the fact you're in love with a man."
"Well that's his problem."
"Yeah but now that I'm going to be out of the picture he can get you to marry whoever."
"That's ridiculous."
"No it's not. But I'd rather you marry someone like Mithian or Gwen because then at least you know them.
"Merlin, stop it."
"Arthur I'm serious. Gwen and Mithian are my best friends, they know you. I mean Gwen's with Lance so it'll probably have to be Mith or even my sister, I don't mind. But that doesn't matter because you're friends and you'll get to have children that are actually yours and Christ I just need you to be happy."
"I don't want to have some sort of arranged marriage with someone I don't love, even if it is a friend and no offence but especially not your sister. And I don't want to have children if I can't raise them with you."
"Don't Arthur. I know you want children, I can't give you that. Ever. I'm trying to give you the chance to move on with your life. I want you to be happy."
"But I'm never going to be happy am I Merlin? Not without you."
"Arthur I think you should leave before it happens."
"Why?"
"Because that way you get a head start in recovery. You can get over me being gone quicker and you can move on with your life because god knows you deserve better than this."
"Not going to happen."
"Stop being so stubborn! I'm trying to save you from misery!"
"I know what you're trying to do Merlin and I appreciate it I really do, but I love you. I'm going to stay with you until the end and I'm not saying it won't hurt because it will. It'll hurt like a bitch and I'll be in hell and yeah I probably won't ever get over you and do you want the truth? I don't want to get over you Merlin because you are the best thing to ever happen to me. You made me a better person and I could not be more grateful for that. So excuse me if I want to stand by the love of my life while he embarks on the last months of his life."
"You better write something like that for my eulogy."
"Shut up you idiot."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
So that was that then. Arthur wasn't going anywhere and truth be told Merlin was grateful but at the same time his brain was telling him to send Arthur away. To force him away so he's better in the long run. Merlin had no idea what this was going to do to Arthur, how it was going to affect him. How long would it take for him to get the balls to move on? Will it be a matter of weeks, months? Years maybe? What if he never moves on? Merlin didn't want Arthur to go through life depressed and unable to move on, that wasn't an option. He had to find someone else to love, even if it was never in the way that he loved Merlin because Merlin couldn't stand the thought of Arthur growing old with no one around him, miserable and decaying.
It all was a bit unfair really. Merlin had accepted his fate. He was going to die in a matter of months and that was final. But Arthur would go on living and when the time came, Merlin wanted Arthur to know that he needs to move on.
It had seemed like an eternity ago that Merlin had met that smarmy rich boy with the blond hair who didn't like him one bit and his sister, who took an instant shine to him. Somehow Merlin kind of wished he could go back to when Arthur treated him like shit. Of course he'd be affected by it all but at the end of the day Arthur only had a crush on Merlin back then, it was something he could easily get over whereas now, that was a whole other story. This was going to be one of the hardest things that Arthur was ever going to have to endure even if that did make Merlin sound a bit arrogant, but it's true.
His parents would be devastated but they knew it would happen eventually, they all did. Dad would have to keep a brave face for mum and Freya, while mum cried and Freya shut herself away. The thought of never being able to see his parents and his sister again made him feel a bit sick.
He didn't sleep at all that night. Instead he sat next to Arthur on the bed while the man slept. Truth be told, he was scared to sleep, it wasn't just that he couldn't. He was scared that if he closed his eyes now, he wouldn't be able to open them again. By three in the morning, it was cold and it was raining and Merlin was tired, he was tired of staring at black walls, so he stood up and walked through the house.
Their house was lovely, they had moved to the outskirts of London so that both of them were able to get to work easily, but were still far enough away that the constant traffic and city life didn't bother them. At this moment though Merlin missed the thrum of the city, the sound of cars whizzing by, engines humming. Hell, he even missed the police sirens. He needed something to distract him.
For the next few hours Merlin became engrossed in one of his sketchbooks. Every stroke of graphite on cartridge paper seemed like some sort of release from the mental pain he was in. He didn't even notice when the sun started coming up and soon Arthur was behind him, combing his fingers gently through Merlin's hair.
"Have you slept?"
Merlin shook his head and looked down at his hands now held together resting on his crossed legs.
"You need to sleep some time, I'll ring your father and tell him you won't be going in today"
"I'm scared to sleep Arthur" he choked out. "I'm terrified that if I close my eyes, even for a minute, I won't be able to open them again." He began to cry and Arthur enveloped him in his arms, holding him still and whispering soothing words.
Finally Merlin relented. When he pulled back his eyes were red and puffy. His cheeks were stained and flushed and he was shaking. Merlin held onto Arthur's hand as if his life depended on it. Which in his case, Merlin probably felt as though it did.
"Merlin, come on. I'll stay with you but you need to sleep" All he could do is nod absently and follow as Arthur carefully pulled him toward their bedroom.
The next few weeks were hard, of course they were. Merlin had to break the news to his parents and Freya. Poor, sweet Freya who was in her second year of university. She was going to be hit hard, they all were, but Freya. Well Freya had always had her big brother by her side and now she was going to have to suffer through losing him and no one could predict how she would react.
The first time she almost lost Merlin, when he first found out he had cancer she locked herself in her room for three weeks. So what would she do when she actually lost him? Merlin was terrified of telling her but he had to be strong for her. He had to protect her as much as he could. He'd get Arthur to maybe check on her every now and then after he was gone, but right now he needed to stay with his sister for as long as she needed.
Arthur was being strong for the both of them. He was doing everything he was able to do to keep Merlin from breaking down. Merlin wouldn't admit it aloud but every time he looked at Arthur or Freya or even his parents, he felt a surge of guilt that threatened to kick him to the ground and leave him there. One day though, while Arthur was in the shower Merlin walked past the bathroom. He heard quiet sobs almost concealed behind the sound of the water raining down but it was unmistakable.
For three weeks, Merlin had been on and off going to work but he decided that he needed it. He needed the sweet release of being so caught up in the work that he loved that he forgot about his predicament. No one at the office other than his father knew about it of course. They all just thought he had the flu so he's been bed ridden.
It had been four and a half months since Merlin had been given the news and things weren't exactly what one would call peachy.
"STOP PUSHING EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU AWAY MERLIN!"
"I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU!"
"WE DON'T NEED SAVING" he was breaking down, tears were welling up, stinging the backs of his eyes. "You do" he finished meekly.
Merlin looked at him pitifully, there was no hostility just pity. He loved this man more than words can describe and knew that what he was saying, he was saying out of love and out of fear. He swept the tips of his fingers across Arthur's now tear soaked cheek and looked him in the eyes.
"You and I both know that I can't be saved"
"That doesn't mean I'm ready to give up on you"
"I know that what you're saying is out of fear and determination and downright stubbornness but I don't want you to get more hurt than you already are"
"What does that even mean Merlin? Because I'm going to be heartbroken either way so why don't you just let me wish for a miracle"
"Because miracles don't happen Arthur! I'm going to die! You'll be left alone when I'm gone. This isn't like me going to Sydney for a month because this time I won't be coming back! I just want you to be okay, to move on with your life. Miracles...they just don't happen, they never happen Arthur please just accept that"
"I got you to fall in love with me didn't I?" He gave a watery smile "I'd count that as a pretty huge miracle"
"Please don't make this harder than it is. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, if you want to come you can just don't...don't make it hard." He said softly, Arthur stroked Merlin's hand that was still suspended in mid-air and kissed him on the forehead before Merlin stood up and walked to the bathroom where he cried. He sat on the floor with his back against the door and cried. If Arthur heard, he didn't say anything. After almost five months Arthur had just given up asking if Merlin was alright because the only answer he ever got was "I'm fine" even if it was painfully obvious that he was so far from fine, so he just held him tightly as if reassuring him that he was here. He was always here.
Merlin jut cried and wished more than anything that miracles did happen, that he could maybe be saved. He knew that nothing could save him now. He had a month left and was determined to make it as easy as possible for Arthur, for everyone. More than once he had contemplated running, just running away. Maybe go somewhere else to die. But he knew that wasn't an option.
There had been a doctor's appointment a few weeks back where Arthur broke down, Merlin tried to calm him but Merlin just ended up having a panic attack and was hunched up on the floor holding his stomach as if his insides were being torn apart. He couldn't even remember what the appointment was about. All he remembered was shouting, blackness and then Arthur apologising profusely.
"Mister Emrys, how are you feeling?"
"Like crap thanks for asking"
"I'm sorry that there is nothing we can do, we've tried and we'll keep trying-"
"Wait wait what?" Arthur interrupted "you've tried? And you'll keep trying? Are you giving us false hope?"
Merlin put his hand on Arthur's shoulder "Arthur what-"
"No I'm not done Merlin." He turned back to the doctor.
"Er, mister...?"
"Pendragon"
"Well, mister Pendragon, I'm not trying to give you false hope... His life is in God's hands now"
"Bullshit"
"Excuse me?"
"Bullshit. Why is it that the worst things happen to the best people? You cannot tell me that his life is in God's hands because if that were true, none of this would have ever happened. He doesn't deserve this, any of it. If you give us, give me hope then that is the worst thing you can give a person because it makes people believe that something good can happen. Trust me when I say that I'm praying for some sort of miracle more than anyone but when it all comes crashing down and you're left as a shell of the person you used to be because everything you dreamed of, everything you believed in is ripped away and burned. So no. Don't give me hope or some bullshit about God, give me the truth. How long has he got left?"
Both Merlin and the doctor sat in shock and then Merlin started hyperventilating and everything went dark. He woke up in a hospital bed, Arthur holding his hands tightly. He had to have another scan and this time the doctors looked confused and concerned but Merlin couldn't bring himself to care.
Arthur, while Merlin was at work, had gone to see Hunith at her request. She smiled at him sadly and invited him in. He sat down and she brought over some tea and sat down opposite him.
"Arthur I know this is hard for you but I want you to talk to me. As much as I don't want to think about my son dying, I want you to know that you will always be welcome here I promise you that"
"Thank you Mrs Emrys"
"Hunith. And don't thank me sweetheart, it's the least I can do considering how much you've done for that boy, you love each other more than anything and I know you have your sister and your friends and whatnot but just know that we're here if you ever need someone to talk to"
"Thank you, thank you so much"
"You're as much a part of this family as Merlin is you know"
"What'll you do when he's gone?"
"What can I do? I'll grieve, I'll have a hole in my heart for the rest of my life but I'll carry on because I have to. I have to carry on for my little boy." She said sadly. Arthur could see her welling up, so he went and sat next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "What about you Arthur? What will you do?"
"I'll be broken but I think maybe I'll go away for a few months, you know just get away. Travel the world, visit all his favourite places"
"I think that's a wonderful idea"
"I had a plan y'know, I had plan that he and I were going to go around the world. I was going to make sure than Athens was last, he always said that Athens was his favourite place because the Greek architecture was stunning." He chuckled dreamily. "I was going to ask him to marry me there"
"Oh Arthur"
"But I suppose that doesn't matter now."
"Oh Arthur!" She hugged him tightly and he cried. He cried until his face ached but in that moment he couldn't bring himself to care that he was already so far past broken. So much so, that it was as if the shattered pieces of his entire being we're being swept away and scattered.
The beginnings of just a shell of a man.
A/N: comment your thoughts please, thank you for reading
