A/N: Okay chaps, here it is; the next chapter. I am so so sorry it's been so long but here you go.
Hope you enjoy it and please leave your thoughts xxxx
also, sorry for any mistakes xx
It felt like slow motion. Merlin ran to where Arthur lay unconscious, his head oozing with warm blood. Merlin shouted his name but to him it felt like everything had been muffled
His hearing, his voice and his sight had been obscured by some invisible force. The only noise that he could pick up was the rapid beating of his heart in his eardrums. An acidic taste like bile filled his mouth and his palms were sweating uncontrollably. He tried shouting again, his voice cracked and he ran as fast as his weak knees could possibly take him. As he was almost falling over someone grabbed him hauling him upright but he didn't thank them, he couldn't thank them. All he could do was mumble incoherently and bat the hands away, whilst proceeding to push his way through the crowd that had quickly gathered. Forcing his way between the last few people he emerged in the centre of a circle, enclosed by onlookers. One woman had a phone to her ear talking to the operator, the driver of the van had stumbled out and was now standing next to a man who was trying to calm him down. Another man leant next to Arthur holding his head up and feeling his pulse.
Merlin couldn't breathe, he surged forward and almost landed on his knees, he could barely see through the tears. All at once he was able to hear properly again, every wisp of air had left his lungs and the man leaning over Arthur looked up with eyes full of sympathy.
Merlin found himself talking despite not quite knowing what to say. "I-is he going to be okay?"
And then the blare of sirens deafened him again.
Then he woke up crying.
With the all too real sound of ambulance sirens filling the vacant streets in the dead of night, he swept his eyes over the dark room. Panicking he jumped up and felt the side of the bed where Arthur should have been.
Empty.
Instead of calling out he just jumped into the air and ran all through the house. He almost fell down the stairs. When Merlin came to the kitchen and saw the light on he froze, every catastrophic scenario playing in his head. But pushed the door to and saw Arthur standing in front of the counter eating half a sandwich. Merlin let out a breath he didn't even realise he was holding and hurtled himself forward clinging to Arthur who wasn't quite expecting it so ended up dropping his sandwich all over the counter top.
Merlin clasped to him for a few minutes and when Arthur collected his wits he began to rub soothing circles into Merlin's back and nestled his face into the other man's hair. After a few beats of silence Arthur spoke.
"Another nightmare?"
He could only nod.
After taking in a shaky breath full of the scent of Arthur, Merlin found the strength to speak. "They're getting worse, I can't stop it. It's always someone I love getting hurt and this time...this time it was you. It was right on our door step with Jeremy the doctor across the road telling me you weren't going to make it."
"Merlin calm down its okay"
"No it's not! It's not okay, this is the second dream I've had where you died and I can't bear it if I lost you"
"Now you know how feel"
"You can't say that! You can't make me-"
"Merlin, you're trying to save everyone else because you don't think you deserve to have a miracle, you think you don't deserve to be saved and I cannot understand why that is. You're the most wonderful person I know. So these nightmares, they don't mean anything apart from your fear of losing us. But I promise you Merlin Emrys, you will never lose us, any of us."
"You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved"
"But the thing is, you do want to be saved. I know you do. You constantly pretend that you've accepted this when you are so far from accepting. You don't have to accept it. I won't blame you if you want to go and punch a tree or scream at geese. Please just stop hiding behind a wall of bullshit because I'm here, I'm here and I'll listen because you have every right to be angry but you don't have to cover it up because you're just going into make yourself feel worse."
"I hate it when you make those speeches"
"I know you do but you need to hear it."
"I know"
"What times your appointment?"
"Half ten"
"Come on then, let's get some sleep"
"What about your sandwich?"
"I'll clear it up later come on"
Arthur being beside him every step of the way was a comfort to Merlin in itself because without Arthur he felt as though he'd probably have given up all together and not left the sofa, just awaiting death. But Arthur, lovely, wonderful, chivalrous Arthur wouldn't allow it; he wanted Merlin to be up as much as possible until he wasn't able to walk. That may sound cruel but Merlin didn't think so, he thought it kind. Arthur wanted Merlin to live out the final few months of his life as happy as he could possibly be.
Merlin, however, could not admit to Arthur or even himself that he was aching, he was tired, he could hardly sleep, and his hair was coming out in clumps with the slightest touch. He was gauntly pale and he wasn't eating properly. Actually, he resembled his teenage self but with more sunken eyes and a thinner mop of hair. Every day was different. One day Merlin would long for the sweet release of death, to end it all and just give up pretending to be fine. Other days though, he would pine for the life he had before, when he and Arthur could lay in bed, when he could go out for a walk or a beer, when he could run around and kick the leaves up.
Constantly people would check on him and the answer was always "I feel fine, really, don't worry about me" to which no one would ever believe but they thought it best not to bother arguing. Merlin Emrys was always fine. Always, and nothing would make him intentionally worry anyone. Never would be tell anyone how he really felt, how fed up he truly was. It was his burden to bear and his alone. No one deserves to unnecessarily suffer on Merlin's behalf.
Occasionally when Arthur had to go into work, Mithian or Gwen or Morgana would come round and coddle Merlin, make him food and make sure he was alright because that's what they do. They are fiercely protective of Merlin and as soon as he looked the slightest bit pale they would make him a cup of tea, wrap a blanket around him and sit with him for as long as he needed. As much as Merlin denied to everyone how he was feeling, the girls could see it as if the words had been painting all over his skin for the world to see. Not once did they overstep their boundaries though despite their urge to get every last syllable out of him and for that Merlin was grateful.
The hours of which Merlin had been able to salvage for rest had fled too soon and his sleep was fitful. Early hours of the morning is when Merlin tended to find himself staring absentmindedly at the ceiling whilst Arthur slept. Coffee possessed nothing that could keep him properly awake anymore and sleeping pills could not coax him into a deep enough sleep. Forever, it seemed, he would be in the melancholy state between awake and asleep and he hated it. The constant urge to fall into slumber but never being able to get their because of the fear of never being able to return into consciousness.
The worst thing was that Merlin knew just how hard Arthur was taking it all. Arthur was his rock but he was also just a man. A man who, just as Merlin pretended to be fine, pretended to be the stronger one who could be relied upon to not break down. But he did. He always did and Merlin could never blame him.
Merlin heard the sobs that were muffled by the high pressure of the shower, or snuffed out by the pillow because Arthur either cried in his sleep or he let it all out when he thought Merlin was sleeping. Unfortunately Merlin heard it all. Still, he let Arthur keep up the façade because he knew that was how the man chose to cope with distressing situations. Already though, Arthur was retreating into a bubble that he was slowly creating, he still kissed Merlin, still touched him, smiled at him and still tried as hard he possibly could to console him but the walls were rising and the niceties were becoming less frequent. Arthur was scared. Of course he was scared, who wouldn't be? But what Arthur was doing was building an entire castle of hope around his very being because he was more and more petrified every minute that they drew closer to that inevitable day.
Sometimes Merlin dreamed of Arthur holding his hand for what would be the last time before Merlin was ferried away by some force while Arthur was being dragged away kicking and screaming, his nails digging into the ground, hands scraping on the floor begging for purchase so he could run back and grab Merlin. Those are the nightmares he hated most because he knew that was somehow going to be, in a way, reality. Arthur would refuse to let go because he wouldn't accept this. He would not accept losing Merlin. Eventually the walls were going to crumble into dust and he wouldn't be there to hold Arthur's hand.
It was a nightmare of substantial proportions that none of them could escape no matter how hard they tried.
Five o'clock in the morning was a time when Merlin thought it acceptable to get up but as he made the move to lift his bottom half from the bed, he felt a hand softly grasp his wrist. When he looked down he saw Arthur's blue eyes staring up at him sadly despite the small smile that displayed on his mouth. Merlin lay back down and curled himself into Arthur's warm touch. For a while they lay there silently with only the sound of their breathing to echo from the walls.
Merlin huffed out a breath onto Arthur's bare chest and felt his muscles ripple. "I know you're scared Arthur, you don't have to pretend"
"I've been saying that to you for the past few weeks"
"Yeah but I'm the one dying, I'm allowed to hide my fear, you on the other hand, are not."
"How do you figure that one?"
"Because you're shit at lying Arthur, that's how"
"I'm not!"
"Yes you really are and I don't want to argue, I just want you to know that it's okay y'know, I know this is hard for you but I don't want you to feel like you have to brave and strong for everyone. By all means if you want to you can keep the façade up in front of everyone else, but don't pretend with me okay?"
"As long as you don't pretend with me"
"Deal"
"Good, how much sleep did you get?"
"A few hours maybe"
"Better than yesterday, do you want to go back to sleep or shall we make breakfast"
"Can we have pancakes?"
"Of course we can, come on" Arthur's arms released their grasp from around Merlin and he suddenly felt cold. Both men stood up and stretched, Arthur watched as Arthur retreated into the bathroom and for a split second, everything felt normal again.
Panic washed over him as he held Arthur's hand so tightly that it was hurting both of them but somehow he could bear to let go in case he couldn't latch back on and ended up drowning in nothingness.
Hospitals were vile places, the smell of disinfectant protruding from every molecule in the air. The unforgiving stares of the dying and the mocking laughs of children who are getting their first set of stitches or the cries of those in pain and the condescending voices of the nurses; it was all enough to make Merlin feel queasy . Merlin may have spent half of his life in and out of these buildings but every time he had to come back in just felt like he was being pulled closer and quicker to death.
Every cell in his body was telling him to turn and run, to drag Arthur with him. Run away to some sunny, hot, tropical island where all their worries would dissipate under the summer sun while they sip cocktails on the beach, but fantasy was not reality. Reality was the bit-too-unfriendly nurse sat at her desk moving her stubby fingers over the keyboard like a hurricane, trying to find Merlin's details and Merlin wishing that all his files were not there and none of this was actually real. Reality was sitting in the fluorescent lighting flickering in the antiseptic room with the rubbery chairs and the heavy breathing people staring at their veiny hands forlornly whilst they twiddle their thumbs. Reality was shit.
The only possible ray of sunshine was the man sat beside Merlin, holding his hand as if he would never let go for the rest of this life and the next. The only seemingly constant good thing in the pitiful past few months.
"Merlin" He was brought out of his thoughts by Arthur's voice whispering.
"Yeah?"
"Did the doctor actually say what this is about because it wasn't scheduled was it?"
"Hm? No, he didn't. He just said it was really important and would prefer to talk to me in person than over the phone"
"So it could be good news?"
"Arthur please don't get your hopes up please"
"I won't I just…I think maybe it might be some snippet of good news"
After letting out a long sigh and giving a small smile Merlin said "Thank you"
Arthur looked at him in puzzlement. "What on earth for?"
"Just…not giving up on me"
"I'm never going to give up on you idiot, I love you too much"
"You're still a clotpole though you know"
"I am aware, thanks love"
Forty-five minutes later the doctor came out to call Merlin in and both men followed in silence, not willing to let the other's hand go.
The doctor was an older man. He was similar to Uther in age, height and build but that's as far as the similarities go between them. Where Uther had a steely glare, the doctor had a softer, more approachable manner about him. Many doctors and consultants are often frightening in their conviction and one would never wish to be near them voluntarily but this doctor, Dr Hanson, he was a consultant but he was kinder than the rest and he actually smiled and didn't look like he was about to kill you in your sleep. Merlin was downright thankful for this doctor.
Dr Hanson sat in his big swivelling chair and across from him sat Merlin and Arthur in the relatively comfy armchairs. He placed his hands on the desk and regarded at Merlin kindly.
"I am unsure of how much my colleague told you over the phone, but are you aware why I requested to see you so urgently Mister Emrys?"
"I was only told that you needed to see me and it was urgent, nothing else. Is it bad?"
"On the contrary, actually I think you'll be rather pleased"
Arthur's eyes lit up and his jaw clenched, Merlin could feel his own lungs become short of air.
"Merlin, I'm not sure how to tell you this but there was a mistake. All our own mistake and we take full responsibility and we all apologise profusely"
"Sorry, I'm completely lost now"
"Merlin, you don't have cancer"
"But I did"
"You did, but it was removed when you were eighteen"
"But I-"
"The scan you had the other month was a false positive"
Merlin was lost for words "Haven't I had other scans though?"
"You had the first one and then the one a few days ago, we had been going off of the first one which had shown your brain to be riddled with cancerous tumours and we were positive that it was right, but then you had the scan after you collapsed the other day and there was nothing. Not a single tumour"
He could not process the information, Arthur was almost on the floor crying. "So he doesn't…doesn't have cancer?" Came Arthur's choked sob.
"It would appear not"
"But h-how is that even possible?"
"Well, when he came in for the first check up the MRI machines had only just recovered from a power surge, they were safe but evidently they were giving a false positive, it happens sometimes"
"What about the weight loss and clumps of his hair falling out though?"
"That could be down to stress actually, it's common for someone to get extremely stressed out causing their hair follicles to go into a state of rest, the hair becomes brittle and will fall out when brushing, washing or simply combing fingers through it; it should grow back normally after a while. The weight loss could just be stress as well, where he's been so stressed about it all, he could just look at food and feel sick."
Merlin was finding it hard to breathe and his breathing became laboured "C-could I get a glass of water"
Dr Hanson stood quickly "I'll be right back"
Arthur was on the floor. He was crying, he was laughing and he was damn near hysterical. When Dr Hanson hurried back in with a plastic cup filled with ice cold water and passed it to Merlin, Arthur sat back up in his chair. His cheeks were pink and his eyes were puffy but the smile that plastered his face was a smile like no other. It was smile of uncompressed and total giddiness.
Merlin drank his water and just stared at the cup with a grin on his lips.
Dr Hanson cleared his throat "If you wish to take any action against the hospital, that would be completely understandable"
Merlin looked up in amazement "Why the hell would we want to take action against the hospital?"
"For the wrong diagnosis? We basically wrongly condemned you to your grave"
"Yeah but it's not your fault, and I'm fine so I-I just…thank you"
"My pleasure Mister Emrys"
Like giddy teenagers Merlin and Arthur practically sprinted to the exit. All feelings of achiness and fatigue that had been controlling his body for the past few weeks seemingly evaporated into the atmosphere as they made way outside. The air was cool and Merlin couldn't stop smiling.
Arthur grabbed him by the waist and lifted him from the ground and spun him around like every cliché you could probably imagine, and then he lowered him and kissed him softly the tears that ran down his cheeks were tears of utter joy and Merlin wasn't in any hurry to let this feeling of ecstasy wash away just yet.
"Arthur. We need to tell the others"
"We can tell them tomorrow"
"Okay"
"I fancy a burger, do you want a burger?"
"I'll go for a burger"
"Good, there's a place down the road"
Arthur had started walking in the direction of the main road "What about the car?"
"It's got another hour on the ticket; we can come back and get it"
"Okey dokey"
As they got to the main road, Arthur let go of Merlin's hand and stood, arms open, back facing the zebra crossing and he started walking backward over the road. "Merlin, this is fucking wonderful"
"I know, I'm fucking ecstatic but I'm still trying to process it all, everything kind of feels too good to be true"
"Take the victories my love"
Merlin was about to start crossing the road when everything when into slow motion.
He heard himself shout "ARTHUR!"
But the lorry came and the screams reverberated in his skull.
And this time Merlin didn't wake up.
A/N Yeah so, reviews please and again; sorry for any mistakes
