FIFTEEN

It took quite a bit to calm down Hoss. Ben told Hoss that he would talk to Percy but then Hop Sing joined in and argued that Percy should go, that Ben should toss him out and Joe stated as to how he had already spent a whole week and a half with his "brother" and it was a week and a half too many. Adam sat and imagined Percy standing in the upstairs hall, listening and rejoicing in the turmoil he had caused. Finally, after a piece of peach pie with thick cream, Hoss and Joe went upstairs to bed and Adam, who had passed on the pie, told his father that he needed to speak to him and that it couldn't wait until morning.

"I know, I know," Ben said, obviously tired. "Percy is, well…"

"Can we go out on the porch?" Adam asked.

"Out on the porch? Why?" Ben was too tired to think. He wanted to postpone the discussion about Percy until tomorrow.

"I'd just feel more comfortable that way."

"Can't this wait, Adam? I had planned to talk to you about the situation with Percy tomorrow and especially about my will."

"Your will? You plan to change it to include Percy?"

"He is my son, Adam, and your brother and he should have his share of the Ponderosa."

"Did Percy suggest it?"

Ben looked down. He wanted to think the best of Percy but Adam had a way of illuminating the negative in Percy. "Actually, he did."

"Let me guess," Adam said. "Was it the first or second day? Was it after he calculated the worth of the paintings and the silver or before?"

"What does it matter, Adam. I'm his father and I want to make up to him for the fact that he never knew me."

"That's his mother's fault, not yours."

"Part of it's mine. I never did the right thing by his mother. Never. Not the first time or the second. I just feel as if I have so much to make up for."

"Pa, she tried to destroy you, destroy us all and Percy is her son. He hasn't done one goddamn thing to deserve any part of the Ponderosa or our holdings except have a mother who was in heat at the right time." Adam heard a noise at the top of the stairs and looked up. He could have sworn that he saw a shadow as if someone had been standing there, listening. 'You're hearing things, boy,' he thought to himself.' Percy had put his nerves on edge. "Let's go on the porch." Ben slowly rose from his chair. Adam took his arm; it struck him that his once vigorous father was becoming a broken, tired old man and he seemed to have aged rapidly since Percy had arrived. Adam led his father out onto the porch where they sat down in the chairs that looked out on the yard. All was quiet except for the normal sounds of wolves occasionally baying at the full moon and the crickets chirping. There was no noise from the bunk house off in the distance even though the lights still burned.

"Must be a poker game going on in the bunkhouse," Adam said. "They lose their wages before they get them." There were three hands who had stayed behind to help with the general running of the ranch while the others had gone on the cattle drive.

"Probably. Percy played with the hands last week and lost quite a bit of money and made at least three enemies. He accused Thad of cheating and it took the other two to keep Thad from ripping Percy apart."

"They should have let him at 'im, let Thad shove Percy's face up his own ass."

"The way Hoss would have? You stopped him."

"I know but I think I'll be less inclined to step in again. Now what's this about the will?"

"Well, Percy asked me if I was going to include him in the will. He actually wanted his share of the property now, wanted me to divide everything, all the holdings four ways saying that he deserved it."

"Like the 'Prodigal Son,' I'm sure that he wanted to sell his shares immediately and take off with the money. If I were sure that's what he'd do and that he'd never return, I'd tell you to give it to him but he'd turn up again, I'm sure and you would 'fall on his neck and kiss him.' "

"And are you being as the older son and thinking of merit and reward?"

Adam gave a small laugh. "I suppose I am. It just seems to me that you're trying to assuage the guilt you feel about Percy by giving him money."

"Yes, I suppose I am," Ben said quietly. "It's funny how one moment of weakness comes back again, how an action that happened years ago comes back to haunt you." They sat silently for a moment. "I need to make an appointment with Hiram and I'd like you to go with me. Would you?"

"Yes, but I think you should wait."

"Wait? Why?"

"You shouldn't rush to change your will. I know about guilt, Pa, how it changes the way you think of things, yourself in particular, but don't let Percy manipulate you with it; he must know how you feel about family and the Ponderosa. Don't you think Linda Lawrence told him?"

Ben looked at Adam and a wave of gratitude washed over him; he realized how much he needed Adam, how Adam's cool head at times like this was valued. "All right, Adam. I'll wait. I suppose a few weeks or so won't make much of a difference. I've always seen you boys' mothers in you. There's not much of me really-all of you are so much like your mothers and I suppose that Percy is more like his mother than like me."

"We have your ideas; you influenced us as we were raised-you and Hop Sing. I've tried to stay true to what you've wanted us to be and so have Hoss and Joe."

"And that's where I've failed Percy. I should have married Linda Lawrence and raised my son along with the rest of you. Think how different he would be?"

"Or how different we would be if the Countess had had a hand in raising us." Adam added. "And what about Joe? He may not have ever existed-or turned out to be a younger Percy. You can't go on thinking about the past and how things could've been different; we can't go back and change what's already happened…although I wish we could." Ben began to rise from the chair; he longed to go to bed but Adam put out his hand and held his father's arm. "I need to tell you about something else. About Mrs. Jeffers…and me."

"Oh?' Ben sat back down, Adam's face had taken on an odd look and Adam glanced out into the distance, avoiding his father's eyes.

"I never told you this-I suppose I was too ashamed or too upset or felt too guilty. Probably a combination of all of it." Adam took a deep breath. "When I was in Boston, I met Mrs. Jeffers. Actually, she was Miss Piper Naismith, one of my professor's daughter and…we married."

"What?" Ben couldn't believe what he was hearing but then it dawned on him. He remembered when Adam had quit his apprenticeship with the architectural firm and returned home from Boston. He knew that something had devastated Adam but Ben had suspected that perhaps it had to do with the firm. Perhaps one of the partners had told him he had no talent-that was what Ben had suspected since Adam never spoke again of taking up architecture and setting up in Virginia City as he had planned. Adam had been so melancholy for months afterwards that Ben was worried. Hop Sing fed him teas and herbs and purges, and Ben had tried to convince Adam to see the doctor but Adam had refused and just went on day after day until eventually he seemed to become better but Adam still had episodes of morbid humor.

"Her father had the marriage annulled; she was only seventeen. He took her away from me and had our marriage wiped out, legally obliterated. I asked questions, searched and finally found where Piper had been staying but she was gone and her aunt wouldn't tell me where. I never saw her again until she stepped onto the stage with her husband. All my feelings for her came back and I think her husband suspects that we knew each other. Hoss does, that I know."

Ben sighed deeply and reached out to pat Adam's arm; he felt helpless as to how to comfort his son. "Adam, I'm so sorry. It must be hard for you. How do you feel about having her so close?"

"I don't really know. Part of me is glad that she's near again. I've thought about her so much over the years, wondered how she was, if she was happy, if she married and had children. It's a comfort to know that she's here and that maybe, just maybe, we can help each other. She's married to a blind man now and I don't think that she's happy. She hasn't said that she isn't happy but-maybe I'm just imagining it because deep down, I don't want her to be; it gives me some hope that she may leave him for me but knowing Piper, I don't think she would no matter how unhappy she may be. And then, part of me is afraid with her being so close. I don't really trust myself anymore-at least when it comes to her. Maybe I'm just remembering my first real love and it has nothing to do with reality. I'm not the same person I was twelve years ago and neither is she."

"What are you going to do?" Ben asked.

"I don't know, Pa. I just don't know. For once, I have no idea what to do."

"I don't know what to tell you that will help how you're fighting with yourself, with your inner conflict. But think long and hard before you do anything that you don't think you should-and have a talk with Piper. A serious talk. If you and she were close enough once to marry then you should be able to discuss the situation." And the two men remained sitting on the porch keeping each other company as two animals silently do, taking comfort in the proximity and warmth of one another. And inside the house, Percy stepped down off the chair on which he had stood so that could overhear through the high window Adam and his father talk. He had believed that they would discuss him and how to be rid of him but this was even better. And Percy smiled to himself; he had found Adam's weakness-Mrs. Nash Jeffers.