Live or Let Die

Minato sighed and rose from his place on the floor where he'd been eating. How to explain that he left because he couldn't take it anymore, and that he'd sought to protect Naruto? At the time it had seemed like a great, if sad, idea. Now that he really thought about it, he saw that the real reason for his leaving was more complex than he'd let himself believe that night fourteen long years ago. He saw now that, not only had he wanted to protect Naruto from his enemies, he'd also not been ready to be a father and in his grief over Kushina had not been able to think of an alternative.

He sighed again too low for Naruto to hear. He could live with the fact that he was a coward in may different ways, but he knew that he'd give his life a thousand times over and a thousand times again if it would save Konoha, but how to explain to Naruto that he didn't know why he'd left?

He shook his head in defeat and decided to just try to explain and face Naruto's anger when it came.

"Naruto," he said to his feet, "I can't explain why I left cause the reasons are too complex for me to even try to explain."

"Bullshit."

Minato looked up then, frowning.

"What?"

Naruto glared at him.

"That's bullshit. Are you gonna sit here, in this well stocked cottage, and tell me you don't know why you left? You know why you abandoned us all so just tell me! The worst I can do is glare right now so I don't see why you're so afraid!"

Minato snarled at Naruto, unable to take his voice any longer.

"I'm not afraid. Fucking fine!! You want to know the answer so damn bad then fine! I couldn't take it anymore!! I was tired of everything…"

Naruto stared shocked beyond any expression.

"…What?"

Yondaime started to laugh humorlessly.

"What's wrong, kid? Weren't expecting the truth?." He paused gave Naruto a steady and slightly deranged stare.

"I'll admit that, when you were born, and a little before, I was afraid. Not of that stupid Kyuubi, but of you. I was 24 years old, Hokage of an entire village and about to have my first kid. What did I know about raising a kid? Shit I was so scared I didn't know what to do. Then that bastard Kyuubi came on the day you were born and your mother died and everyone was looking to me to kill it. A day that should have been the happiest day of my life ruined cause of a stupid mutant fox. It was so weird cause I knew what I had to do but I couldn't cause what father wants to condemn his only child to a parentless life? Again, I'll admit that sealing the Kyuubi in you had been something I'd thought about, but at the time I thought I could be here with your mother to care for you…had she lived, you can bet I would have stayed."

The words had come out of Minato's mouth in a rush, as if they were running over each other to finally be spoken. Minato did feel as if a fourteen-year-old burden was lifted off his shoulders, but that was not how h would have liked to have Naruto find out. It just felt so…stupid, and maybe it was, but it was the most important stupid thing he'd ever said.

Minato groaned softly and looked down, "I'm sorry I failed you, Naruto."

Naruto looked away from his father unable to hold that steady any longer. He quietly stared at the warm plate of food that had started this particular conversation as he let all of what he'd just heard sink in.

'So, underneath it all he's just another regular person with insecurities, then? Normally I wouldn't believe him, but the crazed look in those eyes of his makes me think he's telling the truth, and that he can't quite believe that that's why he left either.'

"Naruto?" He looked up.

"What?" It was painful how similar they are, but Minato ignored it.

"I don't…I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, I know I'll never really deserve it. The only thing I ask is that you try to understand why I did what I did. Though I understand if you can't. You can't believe how many times I've wished it was me that died instead of you mother."

Naruto felt an intense flash of pain at these words.

"Yondaime…"

Yondaime shook his head waving away anything Naruto might have said. Naruto let it slide, not knowing what else to do in the face of a sadness so very like his own.

They let the silence grow for a while before Yondaime'd had enough of it and went to Naruto's side. He grinned slightly when he noticed Naruto'd dozed off a little. Snickering silently, Yondaime thumped him in the forehead.

"What the hell!!" Naruto growled when he saw his father laugh at his reaction.

'Well at least he's not so sad anymore.'

Rubbing his head with his right hand he glared dolefully at Yondaime.

"What do you want, fathead?"

"Fathead?? You'd better remember you're looking at what you'll look like when you get my age so I'd shut up about fatheads if I were you. Would you like me to help you eat your food, Shortie?"

Naruto allowed himself a faint smile at this.

"Yeah. You'd better not hurt me though."

"Oh you mean more than you already are?" Naruto frowned at the fake innocence in his voice.

"Shut up." The Fourth chuckled and bent down to help Naruto.

Settling him gently in an upright position, he pushed the plate closer to Naruto.

"Yondaime?"

"Hmm??" Minato didn't look up at Naruto and so didn't see the slightly frightened, yet reluctantly contented, look on his face.

"I think this is how Mom felt."

Minato looked up, an unreadable expression on his face.

"How did your mom feel?"

Naruto sighed.

"Safe."

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-- Yay!! Our favorite blonds have overcome another dilemma!! Minato's more of an asshole in this revised version but oh well