Hello readers. To answer a question, I plan to update this story at least once a week. Some weeks will have multiple chapters (like this one). Special thanks again to the lovely Bella Paige :)
Lost Girl Chapter 2
"He was my strongest weakness. I surrendered heart and soul. It's gonna be a long, long time till I regain control. I'm still a prisoner, held captive by his memory. He was my strongest weakness, and I'm afraid he'll always be."
My Strongest Weakness - Bonnie Raitt
Detective Kate Beckett made her way to the crime scene, flexing her hands in attempt to increase the blood circulation to her cold fingers. March in New York was the worst, and the bitter cold did little to improve her somber mood.
As she weaved through the crowd and stepped over the yellow tape, she sighed. He's not here, she noted to herself in disappointment. She couldn't say she was surprised, but it still filled her with a bitter sense of emptiness when she realized that he would no longer come when she called. Aside from the painful squeeze of her heart, she also regretted not stopping to get herself a cup of coffee on the way to the scene. Although there were no more lattes with hearts drawn into the foam, her need for caffeine and warmth outweighed the depression she felt when she thought of coffee these days. Damn it's cold, she thought.
Beckett made her to way to where Lanie kneeled, taking in the body. She was a young girl, very young. The blonde victim looked like she was younger than Alexis. She was a pretty girl, dressed in nothing but lingerie - her hair clearly bleached. She was wearing too much makeup for such a young girl. Younger than Alexis, so innocent. Kate sighed, compartmentalizing as necessary in preparation to do her job.
"Got an ID, Lanie?"
"No ID, but she's young." The ME commented.
"Cause of death?" Kate asked.
"Strangulation, but there's also blunt force trauma to the back of her head. Judging from the lack of blood," Lanie continued to explain. "I'd say that she was strangled and then struck on the back of her head."
"Could her head have hit something? Like during a move?" She lifted her head in surprise when she heard his voice. It sent a jolt through her heart, as always. He noted the surprise on her face and offered an explanation for his presence."Esposito called me."
She swallowed, trying not to offer any emotion. When they broke up, it ended badly - but Castle was not willing to step away. Regardless of how much he hated her now, she would never take that from him. She wouldn't deny him anything. Truth be told, Kate Beckett also couldn't deny herself the chance to see him - even if it was in a limited capacity. She loved him still and feared she always would.
Castle did most of his work shadowing Ryan and Esposito, only interacting with Beckett when the four were solving a case. He regarded her with a neutral respect, seeing her as their team leader and little else. For the first several weeks, she thought that he might soften towards her - that he might forgive her.
She knew better now. There was no forgiving her betrayal. It would have been better if I'd cheated on him, she reflected, maybe we would have had a chance to recover from that. However, she hadn't cheated on him and her betrayal - although completely unintended - had destroyed a part of them both. She spent her days trying to accept that it was over. Kate Beckett needed to find a way to move on; even if he had been her one and done. I wasn't his, she thought bitterly to herself once again.
She swallowed back the sudden surge of emotion, the lump in her throat becoming unbearable. Her only solace was that the air was freezing, and with a wind chill below zero, the tears in her eyes could easily be attributed to the harsh climate. As opposed to my broken heart, she acknowledged.
Shifting back into detective mode, Kate turned her attention to Lanie once again. "Is that possible? Could she have been killed elsewhere and moved here?" Beckett questioned.
"Because there is so little blood, I'd say that she was killed elsewhere. That head wound bled, even if it was post-mortem." Lanie explained.
Kate nodded. "Alright, have CSU sweep the area and call me when you've got something." She stood, meeting Castle's gaze for a moment. She saw the same cold, indifferent-but barely contained bitter stare. That's his look for me now, she thought sadly. She couldn't blame him for it either.
As Kate walked away from the crime scene, she thought back to that horrible day just over six weeks ago. It was the day she'd lost everything.
February, 2013
"I'm going to do it Lanie. I'm going to tell him." She informed her best friend excitedly. It had been a difficult couple of weeks, but Kate was ready. She was ready to tell Richard Castle that their lives were about to change and that she was in it with him, 100%.
When Kate learned that she was pregnant, she nearly died. To say it was traumatic would have been an understatement. She'd locked herself in her apartment, unable to process the fact that she'd somehow managed to slip up with her birth control.
She was terrified. Afterall, she and Castle had been dating less than a year. It once again proved that things always fall apart eventually.
"What am I going to do, Lanie?" She'd asked her best friend, eyes puffy from crying. "I'm a cop. What's going to happen the next time I get shot? What happens when I'm not so lucky?"
"Kate," Lanie soothed her. "Nobody can guarantee their tomorrows. Besides, there are many cops who have families and live long lives. You can't operate under the assumption that you're going to die. You have to live!"
Beckett shook her head at her best friend. "You don't understand, Lanie. I know what it is like to have my mother pulled from me in a violent way. I can't bring a child into the world to have the same thing happen. What kind of person would I be? What kind of mother would I be?" She reasoned with her friend.
"I'll tell you what kind of mother you'll be. You'll be a fantastic mom. You'll be dedicated, fierce, protective, wise, nurturing and loving. Kate Beckett, you'll be the kind of mom your mother was to you - because that's how she raised you!"
Kate wiped her eyes, grabbing another Kleenex. She tried to calm herself down as Lanie continued to soothe her.
"Do you know how lucky this kid will be? Not only will he or she have you as a mom, but Castle for a dad. Have you looked at Alexis lately? Have you noticed how phenomenal that girl is? Who do you think is responsible for that? Regardless of how he tries to play his role down, he raised that girl. Castle is going to be a great father and you'll be in it together!"
Kate looked at Lanie, seriously considering her words. "And Kate, this child is going to have two parents who are more in love, more committed to each other than anything else." She reached for the detective's hand and squeezed it.
"This baby's got it made, sweetie. I promise you that," she actually smiled at Lanie's words, exhaling slowly as her tears subsided. She nodded, accepting Lanie's words as truth she added.
"Lanie, I just need some time with this. I need some time to process it and get used to the idea before I tell Castle or anybody else," the M.E smiled to her best friend, understanding that Kate did best when not rushed - when she could contemplate and reason through things. Lanie had no doubts that Kate just needed time.
That said, she was happy to hear that Kate had taken that time and was ready to move forward, to tell Castle the news. She had no doubt that he would be thrilled. If there was one thing she knew, it was that Richard Castle was born to be a father.
"So how are you going to tell him?" Lanie asked, removing her gloves and washing her hands. Their most recent victim was a middle-aged taxi driver and the cause of death was pretty straight forward, a gunshot wound to the head.
"I'm going to tell him over dinner tonight. I've invited him to my apartment and I'll be baking my mother's Mac and cheese. He loves it." Kate's smile was contagious, it was clear that she'd finally come around to the changes that were to come. Things were falling into place.
"Well, before your romantic night in with writer man, soon to be father again, you might be interested to know what I found on our vic." Lanie changed the subject, and just in time. At that very second, Castle strolled through the doors of the morgue. Two steaming hot cups in hand.
He passed one to Kate and kept the other for himself. "Tea, as requested."
Kate smiled. She found it was pretty easy to convince him that she wanted to switch to decaf, said that she thought the caffeine might have been keeping her up at night. It wasn't completely untrue, as she had been having trouble sleeping. She'd simply omitted one major detail. Soon though, soon he would find out that their lives were about to change.
"What did you find, Lanie?" Kate asked, glad for the timing of her best friend's change of subject.
"I found a receipt in his back pocket. It's for Country Inn Motel in Queens," she handed the clear plastic bag that now held the receipt over to Kate.
"Well, well, well. It looks like we've finally got a lead!" Kate spoke.
Castle smiled at his partner and lover's good mood, always grateful to see her smile. "Shall we?" He opened the door to the morgue for her, waiting as she stepped through.
"I want you to call me tonight, Kate Beckett!" Lanie called as they made their exit.
"What's tonight?" Castle wondered.
"Nothing for you to worry about now." She spoke, smiling at the news she was going to share with him that evening.
…
The next few hours of that fateful day were played again and again in Kate's head. "If only I'd told him sooner, if only I'd called for backup, if only we hadn't gone to Queens right away, if only…"
However, no amount of wishing would change the events that transpired. There was no way for Kate to know that their suspect would react violently. Hell, he wasn't even a suspect at the time, just a person of interest. He was just someone who might have seen something.
That fact didn't stop him from being unstable, and it didn't stop him from getting the drop on Kate. It didn't stop her from forgetting herself and reacting. She'd never forgive herself for chasing him down the fire escape.
If only.
If only she hadn't chased him. Then she wouldn't have overlooked the black ice on the landing that caused her to slip. She wouldn't have gone down two flights of stairs. If only Kate had thought twice, she wouldn't have lost their baby.
Kate swallowed back tears as she thought back on that day, accelerating as she drove alone - merging into traffic on the freeway and heading back to the 12th. It was time to start another cold day, a day where she didn't have Richard Castle. Another day where the love of her life hated her.
"He was my strongest weakness, and I'm afraid he'll always be."
