"But I still wake up, I still see your ghost.
I'm still not sure what I stand for.
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don't know anymore."
Some Nights-Fun
February 4th, 1999.
Kate was drunk. She was miserable, but at least she was blissfully, numbly intoxicated. It had been a bad idea to go with Maddie, but the blonde figured that an impromptu road trip was exactly what Kate needed. The fact of the matter was January had been hell on earth and she needed an escape.
After her mother's funeral, Kate had done her best to hold it together. She'd been a rock for her dad, who sunk deeper and deeper into the bottle with each passing day. The result was a strained relationship and plenty of time spent anywhere but home. Home? What the hell is that anyway? If Kate had a home, she supposed that it died with her mother. She wasn't sure she'd ever truly have one again.
Her desire to be away from home had only been amplified that week, as there was no way in hell she wanted to be in touch with anyone, with reality for that matter, when her mother's birthday passed on Wednesday. So Maddie - in her infinite wisdom - insisted that they make a road trip from New York to Chicago.
The blond was interning for a newly franchised restaurant and their home-base was in Chicago. She'd been given two tickets for the masquerade gala and insisted that it would provide the perfect escape for Kate. She'd resisted at first, but Maddie had thrown icing into the cake by mentioning that Richard Castle would be at the same hotel the Friday before on his book tour. So Kate agreed, taking the chance to see her favorite author.
Her mom had gotten her into Castle's books, often sending her copies of books after she was finished reading them herself. She left little notes in the margins for Kate, knowing that she would find special meaning or significance in certain paragraphs or sections. It was one of the many things she missed, but there was nothing she could do. Her mother was dead - gone. There would be no more care packages sent to her at Stanford, no more books with notes in the margins. Now there were parties. There was alcohol, and loosing herself in whatever substance she could get her hands on.
Kate didn't know if she would be going back to California anyhow. Contemporary English literature seemed meaningless now, so what was the point? She hadn't officially withdrawn, but wasn't going to her classes. Yet, she didn't seem to care. Kate kicked her legs up onto the dash board and took another swig of the bottle in her hands.
Maddie laughed and inhaled her cigarette. "Kate, you're drunk. You're illegally drinking in my car, and I'm driving on a suspended license." The blonde laughed harder. "If we get pulled over, we are SO fucked!"
Kate laughed at her friend's words, not seeming to care about the risk they were taking. She didn't care about much of anything these days. She let her long hair flow out the side window as she weaved her hand in and out of the open passenger door window as they flew down the interstate.
They waited in line for 2 hours, just to get a glimpse of the handsome author who was signing first editions of his latest novel. It was the last thing her mother ever gave her, wrapped under the Christmas tree just weeks before - back when life was good.
Kate hadn't read the book, unable to so much as open it since her mother's murder. Yet she knew that her mom would have had her own copy signed, had she lived. It felt right to be doing this, even if she wasn't nearly as big a fan of the author as her mom was. She'd never admitted it to her mom, but reading his books was more about her than him anyway. Rick Castle was ok, but it certainly didn't rank him among the greats that she'd studied for two years at Stanford.
Kate was among the last to get an autograph, as his agent stepped in and put things to a stop.
"Sorry, everyone." Said the nasal woman with too much makeup and tightly pulled back dark hair.
"The store will be closing soon and Mr. Castle has a plane to catch tonight." Upon hearing the crowd grumble and complain, the author flashed a stunning smile.
"My sincerest apologies, but my little girl is back in New York and I promised to make her favorite for dinner tonight!"
It was clear to Kate that the author knew exactly what he was doing as his words appeased the women in the crowd. They melted like putty in the palm of the handsome author, a famous single father and an eligible bachelor.
When it was her turn to meet him she was taken by surprise. She never expected to be the type of woman who would be captivated by him. His crystal blue eyes penetrated her, causing her to blush shyly. He smiled at her and she was unable to resist smiling back at first. Then he winked, prompting her to neutralize her expression. He chuckled to himself about something and spoke.
"Who do I make it out to?"
She cleared her throat nervously, brushing her long brown hair behind her ear. "To Kate … you can make it out to Kate."
He smiled again and wrote something on the inside cover before handing it back to her. "It was nice to meet you, Kate." He spoke flirtatiously.
She offered a crooked smirk and turned away quickly. Amazed by how quickly he could disarm her.
Once outside of the store, she opened the book and read.
To Kate. You have a beautiful smile, it's a shame you don't use it more. Best Wishes, Richard Castle.
She smiled widely at the words, embarrassed by the flutter she felt. It was the first time since early January that Kate felt anything but numbness.
"He's cute," Maddie commented over Kate's shoulder as they exited the bookstore. "Too bad he's not staying in Chicago another night. I'd fuck him."
"Maddie!" Kate exclaimed, laughing with her girlfriend as they made their way down the crowded Chicago street.
"Shhhh! Oh my God, there he is!" Maddie exclaimed as she pointed to the man emerging from the side door of the bookstore. The familiar feel of butterflies filled Kate's stomach. She almost approached him again, but quickly stopped as she heard him shout.
"Damnit! What the hell were you thinking?" Richard Castle argued into his cellphone, completely unaware that he had an audience. "The point is, it isn't your right or your decision…" He paused to listen to the person on the other end of the conversation.
"I don't care if she is…When you signed that paper you lost that right. You see her because I let you, and the next time you pull shit like this without my permission-I promise it will be the last time." He quieted to listen again.
"Enough. We'll talk when I get home. I'll call from the airport to talk with her." He ended the call and put the phone in his pocket, walking swiftly in the opposite direction.
"Well, that was intense." Maddie commented. Kate simply nodded, glad that she'd thought twice about talking with him again. She simply watched as he turned the corner, catching the tension in his shoulders and the grimace on his face before he disappeared.
The music was loud and the beat was overwhelming, people were dancing and drinking, and Kate was pretty sure she saw couples having sex against the wall in the back corner of the dimly lit club. Nobody seemed to care.
Kate figured that anonymity of a masquerade party gave people the freedom to let loose. Behind the disguise of masks and costumes, people could be whomever they wanted.
She took another drink, slipping her fake ID back into her pocket.
"Hey, Millie Porter." Maddie teased her, making fun of the name on Kate's ID. It was funny how much the girl in the picture did not look like Kate. Hell, the woman in the photograph looked about 30 pounds heavier and was blonde. It wasn't ideal, but Millie Porter was 22, and nobody seemed to care anyhow.
Kate laughed at her friend, throwing her arms into the air and swinging her hips with the beat. She loved the freedom of letting go and wanted more of it desperately. Anything that could help her to not think, to not feel, was welcome.
"Want to feel good?" The blonde asked her, yelling above the music into her ear.
Kate turned to her curiously, looking down into Maddie's hand and seeing the white pill she held there. She didn't need to be told what it was. Afterall, they were at a club in downtown Chicago and people were literally having sex against the walls. She shrugged and laughed, eager to take whatever anyone would give her. Before her mom died, Kate drank and she'd even smoked pot a couple of times. She never did hard drugs though, and the lure of the feeling the freedom she heard came with doing ecstasy - called to her.
"Hell yeah!" she screamed, downing the pill dry.
She had no idea who he was really, but didn't care.
"Are you from Chicago?"
The masked man nodded. "Yeah," as he pressed Kate against the wall of the club, unbuttoning her jeans and slipping his hand into her panties. He lined her neck with hot, opened mouth kisses that set her skin on fire.
They'd been dancing for the better part of an hour and what started as flirtatious touching and grinding on the dance floor quickly escalated. She knew little about him other than that his name was Brad. In her heightened arousal and altered mental state it was more than enough.
She gasped in the pleasure of it, his hand was working wonders on her body, but she turned her head to the side to evade his kisses. She didn't want to kiss him, she wanted to screw him. God I've never felt this turned on. I want him fuck me against the wall now, and don't care who sees! She thought with a new-found sense of freedom. She was on fire and wanted to lose herself in this man. He smelled good, his body was ripped and she grasped his ass tightly as he ground his pelvis against her.
Then suddenly she could smell the alcohol on his breath and it made her a bit dizzy and nauseous. In order to avoid vomiting she pushed him back. She could see the confusion on his face by the way his brow furrowed behind his mask.
"Did I do something wrong?" He asked her.
"No." She insisted, grabbing his hand and pulling him toward the bathroom door. She backed them both into a stall and closed the door. Before she could think about much else, her panties were on the floor and her skirt hiked above her waist.
She propped her feet against the sides of the stall and held to the top of the door to steady herself as he thrust into her again and again. Her head hit the back of the stall and her body soared with the pleasure of it. She'd never been this reckless and it felt so damn good to just let go. She couldn't even remember everything she'd taken at that club, but she felt as if she could fly.
The man was big. So big that she felt as if he was ripping her apart with each thrust, but the pleasure outweighed the pain and the combination was quickly sending her over the edge. She panted and moaned, grasping his backside as he pumped into her fiercely. She'd never experienced sex like this, sex where she literally flew out of her body and landed in a soft heap back into her skin.
As soon as they were finished, she was straightening her clothes out.
"So, if I'm ever in Chicago again - I'll look you up." She stated to him without looking back. Both knew it would never happen. She never got his last name and didn't care to.
Kate wandered from the club that night without even saying goodbye to him, but she wanted it that way. She didn't care. It was the first and only time that Kate Beckett had sex with a stranger.
Later that evening she walked the street in the pouring rain, thunder and lightning crashed around her. The storm outside represented the storm within as Kate Beckett continued to spiral out of control. Nobody seemed to notice the young woman stumbling around alone at night in the rain.
"You wouldn't believe…the most amazing things can come from some terrible nights…"
