AN: Thank you for your patience. I figured I would upload this before bed so that fbobs and the rest of my avid readers can enjoy it with their cup of coffee in a few hours :) I plan to update steadily once or twice a week and there is lots more to tell for sure! Take care and review! Thanks again to Bella Paige for the reviews and encouragement.


"She never lets me in
Only tell me where she's been
When she's had too much to drink
I say that I don't care I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to god
You gotta help me fly away"

Let her Cry-Hootie & The Blowfish

He sat across the booth from her, staring down at the words written on the inside cover of his own book.

To Kate, You have a beautiful smile. It's a shame you don't use it more. Best wishes, Rick Castle.

"We've met before." It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact. She didn't answer, but he didn't give her a chance as he blurted another question. "You had a child?" He spoke next, confusion in his voice. The fact that he really knew nothing about her struck him once again. Maybe it isn't truly possible to truly know her, he thought sadly to himself. It left a hollow sense of disappointment within him.

Kate was silent for a moment. She took a sip of her coffee, felt the warm mug with the palms of her hands as if the sensation would ground her and inhaled sharply. Then she began her story.

"It was right after my mom died…"


Fall, 1999

She sat on her bed, hands cradling her swollen abdomen. Kate had never felt so alone, and so ashamed. It was odd how she could want her mother so desperately, and yet feel relief that she would never have to be so utterly disappointed in her at the same time. Kate Beckett was no angel, but she had never messed up this badly, and she felt as if her life was spiraling out of control. She looked out the window to see snow starting to fall. It was the first snow of the year, and was something that she would have found exciting. That was before the world shattered though.

Now it felt cold and barren. It reminded her of everything she'd lost.

Kate felt the small life kick within her and rubbed deep circles into the lower left side of her abdomen. She then lifted her hands to begin typing.

"Dear Dad,

How are you doing? I miss you, but I'm having the time of my life. As I write this letter, I'm sitting at a small café in Kiev. My Russian still needs work, but I'm getting by. I'm trying all sorts of interesting new foods and meeting the greatest people. My host parents are great too!

I think I might even see some other countries while I'm here in Europe. I hope you are doing well and I miss you! I look forward to seeing you on Christmas when I return home. I also have some news for you. I've decided that after this semester I'm going to transfer to NYU. Being out in the world has changed a lot of things and I have a better idea of what I want for myself. It will also be nicer to be closer to home. I can't wait to tell you all about it! Take care and I'll see you in a few months,

From Russia with love, Katie.

She sent the e-mail and sighed. She hated lying to her dad, but saw it as the only option. He would never have to know about this. He would never have to know how badly she'd messed things up. As far as the world knew, Kate Beckett was spending the semester abroad.

When she learned about the baby she headed for the only person she knew would help her. It was funny how close she and her aunt Vera had become considering she hadn't seen her in years; at least it had been years before the funeral.

The old woman was actually her mother's aunt and they were never especially close. She'd lived in Boston and stopped visiting when Kate was about 14, not because of conflict but lack of finances. Now all she could remember was that after her mom died Aunt Vera took Kate in her arms, and it felt like home.

So, with her dad drowning in the bottle, and nowhere else to turn - Kate headed to Boston. She showed up at her great aunt's door scared, alone and nearly four months pregnant. The older woman opened her arms once again, welcomed her home and asked no questions.

While in Boston Kate spent a lot of time with her Aunt Vera, and the old woman's friends. The fact that they were all Russian worked perfectly, as Kate was able to pick up accents, mannerisms and even a few words. She learned to cook while living there too.

In retrospect, the pregnancy helped her to get her life back on track. With the drinking and partying out of her system, she spent time reading and considering what she wanted from her life. She read a lot, and when she was finally ready, she opened the last gift her mother ever gave her.

Kate found herself completely immersed in Richard Castle's latest character, Derrick Storm. She related to his single-mindedness and felt kindred with the pain the character seemed to carry. Through the summer months and into the early fall, Kate began to read more and more about crime solving. She found a sense of purpose that English literature never gave her, and found direction for the first time since her mother's death.

From her Aunt Vera's living room, Kate read NYU's course catalog, looked over her existing transcripts from Stanford, and mapped out a plan. It was at that small table in Boston, at six months pregnant, that Kate made the decision to switch colleges to switch majors and to take on a new goal for her life. The young woman was going to become a detective.

Now she was nearly 36 weeks along, and as she prepared to give birth, she thought about what would come next for her. Kate knew that she was in no position to keep the baby. She was young, alone, had no job or no prospects, and had no idea how to get in touch with the unborn child's father. She doubted Brad, or whatever his name was, would be interested anyhow. It certainly wasn't one of her finest moments.

Kate knew that the experience would bring great joy to someone else though. In fact, she'd identified a young couple, unable to have children of their own, and after deliberating for some time, signed the papers necessary to arrange transfer of custody after the infant was born.

"I know you'll have a great life, little baby. Much better then I could give you." She softly rubbed circles into her stomach again. The baby kicked in response and Kate turned her attention back to her book. She had nine more chapters left, and was eager to see how Storm was going to get himself out of his current predicament.


Kate went into labor on November 12th, 1999. Just a week shy of her 20th birthday. After fourteen hours of intense labor, she gave birth to a baby girl. She didn't get to hold the baby before they took her, and Aunt Vera insisted that it was in everyone's best interest.

The old woman believed it would be much harder on Kate if she bonded with her, but Kate couldn't help but think that she'd spent the past 9 months bonding with the child she would never know.

Her Aunt Vera held her as she cried, rocking her back and forth and whispering calming words of love against her brow.

"I know. I know my Katie. You've done a wonderful thing." The older woman soothed her with her broken English.

"You've given this baby a chance for a great life, and you have given her parents a precious gift."

Kate nodded, but soon was sobbing again. Knowing she'd done a good thing didn't stop her heart from breaking. She never even got to hold her. That was when Kate learned that sometimes the right thing was the hardest to do.

A few weeks later Kate returned to Manhattan. She registered at NYU and began her new major in criminology. It was her senior year, but she had to spend an extra semester catching up on coursework. In the end it had been worth it, because when she finished her degree she was certain of her path.

She joined the academy and never looked back, knowing that a closed adoption had been the best thing for all concerned. As far as she knew, both Kate and her little girl had been given a fresh chance at life.


When she finished telling her story she looked up at Castle, who simply stared at her, a watery look of love, sympathy and understanding in his eyes.

"I thought I was doing the right thing, Castle." She explained, her voice weak with guilt and regret. For the first time the author had no words. He simply squeezed her hand.

"Do you want to get out of here?" He suggested, wondering if she'd be more comfortable talking about this somewhere more private.

She nodded and gave his hand a thankful squeeze in return. He walked her home, allowing her the space she needed to process everything that was happening. It was the first time in weeks that he'd been in her apartment, but she didn't seem to care. In fact, Kate seemed relieved to have him by her side again.

She simply sat on the couch, continuing to look numb. "I thought I was protecting her, and in the end I only hurt her. Look what's happened?" She closed her eyes in a feeble attempt to keep the tears back. When she'd signed the adoption papers all those years ago, Kate had terminated all parental rights. As such, she had no way to know what went wrong. She couldn't understand how her baby had gone from a middle class couple, desperate for a family, to the cold streets of New York City.

"Was it a closed adoption?" Castle questioned, as if reading Kate's mind. She nodded affirmatively, confirming that she'd had absolutely no contact or information about the baby she'd given up in the misguided hope of a better future for them both.

Kate could feel the tears surging once again. "I did it again, I did it again and didn't even know it." She stood suddenly and began to pace the room, distancing herself from Castle.

"You did what?" He asked in confusion. Certainly she couldn't blame herself for what happened.

Kate paused for a moment and "I hurt my child. I didn't mean to and…" She broke then, unable to hold herself together. "Another life destroyed." Had he not moved closer, Castle would have missed her whispered. "Because of me."

He realized at that moment that Kate wasn't just talking about Mia. He finally understood what Kate was truly grappling with and was helpless to stop it. He simply moved next to where she stood in front of her window, relieved that she went willingly as he took her in his arms.

"Shhhhh, Kate." He kissed her brow and rubbed her back, soothing her trembling body.

"None of this is your fault." He held her more tightly as he added. "And none of that was your fault." He whispered, speaking now of their own lost child. Soon he was in tears as well, and together they processed all that had been lost.

With their embrace and with their tears, it appeared that the wall between them wasn't nearly as massive as it had once been. Castle swore he could see a way through to the other side now.

After Kate's sobs subsided, Castle pulled back. He took her face in his palms, brushing his thumbs across her face to wipe the tears there away,

"We're going to find her, Kate. We'll find her together." He promised.

She nodded before leaning back into the safety and love of his embrace. No other words were spoken between them that night, but their gazes and gestures spoke volumes about forgiveness, understanding, loyalty and love.

"Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be."