Used to be
Her lips burned.
Fate didn't understand. One minute, she was arguing, and not very successfully at that, but the next? She tried in vain to quell the rush of blood that threatened to give away her thoughts, frightened that the blush did not go unnoticed by Nanoha's mother, if the quietly arched brow and pointed look aimed in her direction was anything to go by. Automatically flipping over to autopilot, Fate smiled and nodded at each one of Vivio's youthful inquires, though her mind raced to play a game of catch up that she was desperately losing. How…how did this even happen? In the time it had taken for half a heartbeat and a breath, Nanoha had been up on her toes, and, and…
Her heart stuttered and she dropped her gaze to her lap, eyeing her twitchy hands and smothering the urge to sit on them, bouncing her leg restlessly to try and ease herself of the odd sensation traveling down her spine and filling her limbs in a bizarre rush of nerves and adrenaline. Not even the toughest of battles had left her in such a state, and why did it feel like she was shaking?
This, this was all her fault, no matter what Nanoha had said in the aftermath and confusion, and no matter how many times she replayed the event over and over in her mind, she could almost swear it hadn't happened.
But the feeling was there. The taste of her tears, her mussed hair, the feel of the curve of Nanoha's hip under her hand, the softness of her lips, it was all there.
It was real now, too real, and the knowledge was enough to bring the beginnings of a terrible headache just behind her eyes. Her hands clenched, and it took nearly all her effort to force them to relax. Not here, not here, not in the middle of a godforsaken bridal shop…
She had tasted like tears.
But the worst part, the final nail in her sanity's coffin, was that she had let her feelings slip, and she had whispered what she had kept silent for so long. Now, Nanoha knew. Just one stupid, tiny little four letter word, and it was going to throw what little resemblance of order that had been her life into complete disarray.
How easy it had been, to ignore everything, to wrap her arms around Nanoha and…
Her blush intensified, causing even Vivio to fall silent, and it was all Fate could do to not wring her hands.
Control? What a joke.
It was bad enough she couldn't control any of the words that she had spoken to Nanoha in haste, or worse, anger, but even her actions had spiraled out into dangerous territory. The minute Nanoha had kissed her, she knew, she knew, that she should have stepped back. But the feelings, those damned feelings she had carried for so long had taken over, and now?
It was one thing to kiss a friend. It was worse to kiss a friend in a relationship. But to do so like this, here, while Nanoha had been trying on a wedding dress intended for someone else's eyes? She had done some pretty screwed up things in her lifetime, but this?
Oh God, there were going to be some terrible consequences, and the guilt was already eating her alive.
"Fate-mama?" A hand on her elbow caused her gaze to snap forward, and as she flashed a wobbly, apologetic grin, she wondered how long she'd been sitting here in stone-faced silence. For one always so concerned about doing the right thing, she had been terribly quick to ignore the ring on Nanoha's finger.
"I shouldn't be here." Fate muttered hastily, all out of sorts and awkward as she rose on legs that felt like rubber. Was she losing her mind? She certainly felt like it.
"Are you sure you're alright, dear?" Momoko questioned sweetly, causing the enforcer to freeze in place.
Don't ask me that,Fate pleaded silently, all attempts at a thin smile cracking under that motherly gaze. For the love of God, please don't ask me that.
The door to Nanoha's changing room eased open, and the blonde whipped her head back so fast it was a miracle she hadn't snapped her neck in the process. The instructor was back in her street clothes (much to the enforcer's relief), simple jeans and a top, fidgeting near the door like she hadn't expected Fate to still be there, and when she saw that weary blue eyes were still red-rimmed from crying, it twisted her heart up in her chest with a force that nearly brought her to her knees.
Momoko's gaze traveled over her daughter's distraught features and while she couldn't see Fate's face, she could certainly make out the way her hands balled up into fists, so tight the knuckles turned white.
Oh. The elder Takamachi bit back the question on the tip of her tongue and folded her hands together neatly in her lap. Fate looked as though she wanted to run to Nanoha's side, and perhaps, if they hadn't returned so soon, who knows what may have transpired. It didn't take a fool to see that something had occurred, and judging by the odd reactions of the two childhood friends and the fact that her daughter looked so miserable, she knew it was time to step in. "Fate," she called pleasantly, earning a guilty, wild-eyed look from the captain. "I know we disrupted you from your errands earlier. Please do not feel obligated to stay here any longer than you have to."
Fate looked back to Nanoha, dark eyes worried, and when all she received in response was a simple nod, she took it as a silent request. The enforcer's perfect disguise, calm and unflappable, built upon years of battles and desperate situations, had been shattered in mere moments. None of it even mattered here when she could barely draw a breath, feeling helpless and lost. With hastily muttered goodbyes, before her legs could betray her and crumple beneath her, she fled.
It wasn't until she was back in her car, safely nestled down into the driver's seat, head buried in her hands, that she realized she never got the chance to pick up a coffee maker.
She hated this planet.
Just a few short hours later, Momoko was hovering in the archway leading to the kitchen in Nanoha's home, watching her daughter flit around the room like a woman possessed, muttering and grumbling to herself as she scrubbed counters that needed no cleaning, and fussed over a teapot that was nowhere near boiling on the stove. Oh yes, she decided, as Nanoha rinsed the sink for approximately the third time in ten minutes, there was certainly something eating away at her.
Crossing her arms, she leaned against the wall, concern evident across her features as she watched the young woman's restless plight. "Nanoha, what happened today?"
The ace flinched, dropping her sponge. "Nothing." she blurted out, a tad too quickly, swallowing audibly. She tried her best to keep a neutral expression, despite traitorous thoughts of Fate's eyes, so strong and determined, Fate's naked form, steam curling around her figure, Fate's arms around her and… "Nothing." she tried again, a difficult feat when her mouth suddenly felt as though it were filled with sand. "It's fine."
She was on a rapidly sinking ship, with no shoreline in sight.
Momoko gave her a slow grin. "After all of these years, do you really think you can lie to your mother?"
"No!" the reply was swift, a rush of air as Nanoha spun on her heels and visibly cringed. "I mean, I just…"
Seconds ticked by.
Nanoha flexed her fingers, balling them into fists and loosening them once more. Minutes. Hours. Time had no meaning, not when she felt so small and helpless. "Mom…" She licked her lips, wondering why they suddenly felt like they were on fire. "Mom…I…"
Fate. I kissed Fate. I just grabbed her and I took what I wanted, and I...
Momoko tipped her head and waited.
I wanted…
Guilt needled at Nanoha, piercing her heart and slamming into her gut. "I've, I've done something…bad." She felt her eyes sting, and as she swiped the back of her hand across them, she was painfully reminded of the man in her life, suddenly so very far away. He was one of her best friends, and her promises, her words, obviously they meant nothing, if she was so quick to push him aside. He had been there for her when she had been at her lowest, and this is how she repaid his kindness?
Her vision swam. He had never done anything to hurt her, nor could she imagine him doing so, and her own actions this evening had trampled all of that trust into nothing.
She hadn't realized how much it would hurt to have Fate so far away, so gone, after she left that night. It was worse than all her extended missions, worse than all of her absences, and Nanoha couldn't stand how unbearably lonely she was, until Yuuno came along with sweet words and gentle promises. He was good. He would treat her well. Her private mantra, repeated in her head, over and over. With him, she wouldn't be lonely. With him, things could get better. She tried to heal, using him as a crutch, thinking that being so near to him would make everything okay.
She and him, it could be wonderful, couldn't it?
But Fate came back, and now, and now…
All of these things, these feelings she didn't even know she had until it was far too late and everything was too far gone came back with her. Now it was just a mess, an ugly, jumbled up mess, like a bomb had gone off in the middle of her ridiculously mundane life that she had been so deathly sure that she wanted and now that she had it she just wanted to run because the pieces where just everywhere. Like all the cracks in her relationship were showing and she was out of flimsy materials to patch them up with.
Fate loved her.
Now, everything hurt, like she was left reeling from the loss of something irreplaceable.
"I've done something terrible." Nanoha murmured, still swearing she could feel Fate's lips on hers, still sure that she could feel Fate's arms around her, and it made her weak. "I-I'm scared that I'd do it again."
Nanoha sank back into the couch, fingers numbly curled around the cup of tea her mother pressed into her hands. She hadn't had the courage to tell her mom everything, but the gentle look she had received told her that her mother could probably guess anyway.
"You know," Momoko sighed, settling into the couch beside her. "you may not believe this, but I can completely understand where you are coming from."
The brunette's brows furrowed up.
"Your father…" she continued with a tiny smile and a shake of her head. "Your father had the most awful job. I tried to convince him so many times to quit while he was ahead, before something terrible happened, but you know how he is."
Nanoha gave her a tiny smile at that. Stubborn, hard headed, just a sampling of the traits she shared with the man.
"There was a time…ah, I'm not even sure if I should tell you this." Momoko paused briefly, the smile fading as a flicker of pain passed over her features at the memory. As she absently reached up to brush graying locks out of her eyes, Nanoha realized that so much had changed, none of them were young anymore, and there was still so much that she would never know. A sobering thought, really, as she noticed, for the first time, the tiny crow's feet at the corners of her mother's eyes. "There was a time where I considered leaving him, before you were born."
"What, Dad? No way!" Blue eyes widened at the thought. Her parents? The perfect picture of love and devotion? She had constantly viewed them as her relationship role models, striving to build a stable family home of her own. While they had fought like every couple, she had never once witnessed a single incident that would have casted the light of doubt on their marriage, and the thought of something ever coming between them was enough to leave a sinking feeling in her stomach.
"It's true. I was sure I couldn't handle the stress of him being gone on jobs all the time, not knowing if he was safe, not knowing if I would get a phone call in the middle of the night…" she trailed off, fixing her daughter with a meaningful glance. "Something you're familiar with, I have no doubt."
Nanoha slumped down a little further into the cushions.
"I begged, I pleaded, but he would have none of it. He was doing good work, he would say. He was helping people." She shook her head at the memory. "Regardless, it's never easy for the ones left waiting at home, is it?"
Nanoha thought of all of the weeks that had gone by, restless nights spent stressing, worrying and wondering, waiting to hear from Fate, and it was enough to give her pause. Fate. She automatically equated her mother's story with Fate, and not with…
"I met a nice young man." Momoko continued. "Sweet, wonderful, normal. It would have been so easy to give up all the pain and heartache for a chance to be a quiet, happy little housewife."
"But?" Nanoha asked quietly, already sure she could see where this was going.
"But." her mother smiled fondly, "I loved your father far too much. When I tried to picture my life without him in it, I couldn't do it. I had to ask myself if I could live with loving someone else only halfway, if that makes any sense."
It made perfect sense, of course. Nanoha had always hated doing things halfway. She pounded that very thought into each new recruit that graced her training grounds, over and over and over. There is no halfway. Halfway gets you crippled or dead, and neither option was very nice. So that made her, what? Crippled by her own heart? On the plus side, with all the turmoil she had been feeling lately, she could at least be certain that she wasn't emotionally dead. This dragged her back to the endless merry-go-round of guilt. Halfway. Broken pieces. Could she love pieces of a man, and be comfortable? Or maybe…
Would she be alright if someone loved only pieces of her?
Was that fair?
How long had she felt that way about Fate? Was she confusing the pain of losing her, even as temporarily as she had, for something more? Was it the surge of jealousy she had experienced when she realized that Fate wouldn't be all hers forever? Or maybe…maybe she had felt that way all along. She had never actively pursued dating anyone, and it had always been just the two of them, together, always. She was never as affectionate with any of her other friends, never curled up with any of them wrapped up in a big fluffy blanket on the couch, never rolled over in a bed that had more than enough room with them the way she had with her, just to get a little closer to the warmth and the softness that was just so Fate and..
She remembered the rush of heat, the way her heart swam in her chest, still breathless and woozy even before the warm words and the soft kiss brushed over her ear.
Love. Fate loved her.
That feeling. It had been there, all along, and it wasn't that she didn't notice. She just always had it, unable to put a name to it, letting it go because she was so busy being wrapped up in her loneliness that she had neglected to acknowledge what everyone else already knew, and it had taken so many mistakes and a certain violet haired investigator to make her see what she hadn't before.
But this…this mess…
She felt almost numb.
"It's going to hurt." Momoko said quietly. "Probably more than anything else you have ever done."
Nanoha hung her head.
"But it has to be done. You can't string people along forever, because that's not fair to anyone. No matter what you do, you have to be honest with yourself, and with Fate and Yuuno."
The instructor flinched at that. She had never mentioned Fate, but really, her mother was no fool. The right thing to do would be to stop this mess with Fate, and come clean to her fiancé. Her heart felt heavy. How could she possibly tell him that while he was on the other side of the galaxy she had been kissing her best friend? What would he even say to that? She had spent so long worrying about losing one or the other, and it never occurred to her that she could lose them both. She loved Yuuno, she really did, so why was it so hard for other people to understand that?
And Fate? How could she ever look her in the eyes again, knowing how much love was there? How could she stand so near to her, and pretend like everything was going to be fine? Then there was the overwhelming flux of emotions she felt whenever she was near the enforcer, confusing, maddening, pushing her to do things she hadn't envisioned herself doing even in her wildest dreams. The quiet, nagging voice of her subconscious was back, and it reminded her that if she loved Yuuno that much, she wouldn't have kissed Fate in the first place.
She twisted the engagement ring on her finger, still not used to the weight. Her promises to a kind and gentle man were just as heavy, and she had to ask herself if it would be possible to look into his eyes, so trusting and full of love, just for her, and tell him what she had done…
"Are you alright?" Her mother's hand, so cool and soothing on her brow, brushed the dark fringe out of her eyes. Nanoha nearly whimpered, dropping her head until it rested on Momoko's shoulder and wishing, for the tiniest of moments, that she was just a little girl again. There were mistakes she could blame on her age, and mistakes she could blame on inexperience. But mistakes made when she knew full well the difference between right and wrong, well, there was no excuse for that. She held her breath and counted to ten, willing the burning ache behind her eyes to settle as her mom wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head, with all the love and tenderness only a parent could provide. "Honey, it will all work out."
"I know, but, someone is going to get hurt." The ace replied softly, her throat tightening around the words, the fear lingering in her chest suddenly a harsh reality. "I don't care about what happens to me, but no matter what happens now, I'm going to lose someone."
"Ah, being an adult isn't all about having candy for dinner and staying up late." Momoko teased lightly, stroking her fingers through dark hair.
Nanoha sighed wearily, cracking an eye open towards the ceiling. "That's what I keep trying to tell Vivio. She's in such a hurry to grow up."
"She's a strong girl, like her mother. I know she'll be alright."
The brunette cracked a tiny smile. "Takamachi women are tough."
"That they are. But I want you to remember that no matter what happens, we'll always be on your side, and we just want you to be happy."
"Even Dad?" Nanoha giggled quietly and snuggled closer, more grateful than ever that she had such a loving and supporting family. The look on his face when he had been told about Yuuno would have been enough to kill lesser men on the spot, and although her fiancé had played the role of the perfect boyfriend, she could have sworn she had seen his knees shake, ever so slightly.
"As long as you're not pregnant." Momoko replied in mock seriousness. "Not his sweet, chaste little girl."
"Not happening." Nanoha announced firmly, waving her hand towards the upstairs bedroom. "That one is more than enough."
"Oh?" Her mother arched a brow, looking amused. "Why do you think we stopped at you?"
Without missing a beat, Nanoha batted thick eyelashes, thankful for the lightened mood. "Because I was perfect. Why keep trying?"
They both burst into giggles, and it was at that moment that the ace decided that inviting her mother to stay with them for a few days was the best possible decision that she had made in months. Idly she wondered if Fate had taken her gentle push to go visit Lindy to heart, and it was only when the clock on the wall chimed the hour that she realized how late it had gotten. "Shoot." she murmured, pushing herself up to her feet with a grumble as her joints yelped in protest. There was still one more thing she had to do tonight, something she had been trying to do for a long time, and given today's events, it was something that needed to be done. "Can I ask a favor?"
"Of course."
"I uh, have to go take care of something, and I'm not sure how long it's going to take. Can you keep an eye on Vivio for me?"
"Absolutely."
"Thanks." Nanoha sighed, leaning over hugging her mother tight, the lump in her throat now there for a completely different reason. "You're the best."
Momoko's mouth curled up into a grin as she patted Nanoha's back, testing the waters with a tiny wink as her daughter pulled away. "Say hello to Fate for me."
Nanoha's bright red blush was the only confirmation she needed.
It was late, Yuuno decided, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, far too late to call home now. With his elbows propped on the planks he had fashioned into a makeshift table, under a canvas tent that did little to block out the massive amounts of sand and heat, he mopped at his brow with a rag far too full of sweat and grime to do much good. It had to be nearing midnight back on Mid-Childa, but here, the sun was high and unforgiving.
What he wouldn't give for a long shower.
Before him lay ancient texts and tomes, most far too weathered and aged to decipher, and despite his team's best efforts, they weren't any closer to locating the relic that had brought him here, so far from home. His hair hung in damp tendrils over his eyes, and the long, thin ponytail he had taken to keeping stuck to the back of his neck. Perhaps he should cut it off.
Would Nanoha mind? She seemed to have a thing for long hair, and would constantly toy with the ends of his ponytail at night, on the seemingly rare occasions where he was able to get close to her.
He frowned.
She was never overly affectionate, and thinking back on it, she really never had been. She would let him hold her for only so long, before laughing nervously and slipping away, or sometimes, if he was exceptionally lucky, he would receive a quick kiss on the cheek or on his lips. At first, it hadn't really bothered him, because that was just her way. She wasn't frivolous, especially where her heart was concerned, and she had a tendency to treat everything regarding relationships as though it were a job, or a problem, to act with her gut and work through it to reach an amicable solution. But slowly, again, little by little, these things were starting to eat away at him, to pile up on his shoulders, and wear away at his peace of mind.
When it came to more intimate matters, Nanoha, as he discovered, was one who seemed to do just fine without sex. She didn't act like she outright hated it, but she was also never one to initiate it, letting Yuuno take the lead the times she didn't pull away from him. He wasn't sure if he was even doing anything she disliked, as she was never one to get vocal, or even seemingly flustered. But sometimes, just sometimes, she would let him hold her afterwards, pressing her face into his shoulder and drifting off to sleep.
Those few moments of peace, just the closeness, the feel of her heartbeat, it was enough to make up for all the times she slipped out of his arms. Those were the nights he couldn't sleep, dropping kisses into her hair, wondering if she was truly content. Did she wantthis? Was she happy? Did she want him?
The night he had proposed, and she had accepted, he didn't know which of them had been more surprised. She had stared at him, almost blankly, then dropped her eyes to the gold band with the tiny diamond in his hand that he had nearly worked himself to death for, as if she were watching a movie about someone else's life.
A mistake, he had thought wildly, palms sweating, knees on the verge of buckling. He had made the gravest of errors, and had blown everything, just from the look on her face. This is the part where she ends it, this is the part where she stops wishing he was someone else and…
She hadn't cried out. She hadn't embraced him. She just…
"We can be happy." he had said quickly, almost blurting it out, tripping over the words and his feelings and everything in between, holding the ring out desperately.
Take it. Just take it.
If only she wouldn't look at him like that.
And maybe, for a little while, she had been happy. Her smiles returned, and she was almost the person she used to be.
But lately…
He raked his hands through his hair.
She loved him, and he didn't doubt her when she said it, but sometimes, sometimes, there was the tiniest pause before she said it, gone as fast as it had come. She would get this look in her eyes during this moment, this tiny fraction of time, like she wished to be anywhere else but there, with him.
And he had no idea how to fix it.
He missed the Nanoha he had met so many years ago, so hopeful and bright, excited just to spend time with her friends and loved ones, the same Nanoha that would throw her arms around his neck, the same Nanoha who was all smiles and laughter and…
A weary sigh. They had been so young. She, and him, and…
His jaw set as his thoughts wandered to the blonde enforcer that had recently waltzed back in Nanoha's life, bringing a mess of confusion and arguments with her. For one silly childish moment, he wished that Fate would go back to where she had come from, and take her problems with her. But that wouldn't do either, would it? Ever since her disappearance, Nanoha hadn't been herself, and he was sure that if Fate were to leave again, things wouldn't get any better. She would withdraw further, back to a shadow of the woman she had been, and he would be left trying to figure out how to put everything back together again.
Fate and Nanoha. It had always been the two of them together, for so very long. He had always had his suspicions about the extent of their relationship, but never had the courage to question it. Nanoha wasn't affectionate, and she wasn't cuddly, but with Fate…
He remembered the day Vita had called him from the hospital, to inform him that Nanoha had finally woken up after her near fatal accident, so long ago. He had rushed there on the spot, his heart nearly beating out of his chest, wild eyed and out of breath as he tore down the hall towards her room, only to peek his head through the open door and bite back her name, just on the tip of his tongue, wholly unprepared for the sight that greeted him. She was indeed awake, and sitting up, mostly, propped against a mountain of pillows, looking weaker and more frail than he had ever seen her before.
Fate was on her knees at her bedside, her head in Nanoha's lap, twisting the bed sheets up in her fingers as she openly wept, her relief clearly evident as she just sobbed Nanoha's name, over and over. He could never remember Fate ever looking so broken, and he had never seen her cry. Even when Nanoha had been unconscious for days on end, Fate had maintained a cool, calm exterior, so sure and confident that everything would be okay, everything would be fine. But watching her now, like this? All her worries and fears had poured forth, and in that moment, he had felt like an intruder.
Nanoha was murmuring soothing things, quiet, warm words as she stroked Fate's hair, willing the girl to relax, smiling tenderly as she gently reminded the girl to breathe, before leaning down and kissing golden locks. Fate had raised her head at the action, and Nanoha had brushed her tears away and kissed her forehead, whispering things the boy could no longer hear. Yuuno had taken a step back, nearly bumping into the door, achingly aware that he was encroaching on something far too private for anyone else's eyes.
That was the first time that he had suspected that what they shared was far deeper than friendship. Many years later, when he had gone to Nanoha's house that night that had changed everything, he remembered the painful tug in his chest at the look in her blue eyes, so lost and hurt, because of Fate.
He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes to soothe away the sudden ache. He wanted the bright light to come back to her eyes, he didn't want her to hide her feelings anymore, but most of all, he wanted her to be happy.
He would just have to try harder, work harder, fight for her…
Because they could be happy, right?
One of his fellow archaeologists called from just outside the flap of his tent, and he sighed tiredly, reminding himself that the sooner he finished this up, the sooner he could go home, to her.
Nanoha fidgeted in front of the apartment door before her, running clammy hands over her skirt in a weak attempt to dry them off, lightly bouncing from foot to foot as she debated knocking once more. Her fist hovered uselessly in the air, and she bit her lip. Her courage, her conviction, where had it all gone? She was really starting to regret her half-cocked idea of coming down here in person, and maybe it would have been a little bit easier if she had just called Fate like they had originally agreed and meet someplace neutral, if only to take half of the pressure off now. This talk hadn't seemed nearly as intimidating earlier today, but that was before she had started behaving like a crazed teenager, grabbing her like she had and…and…
A blush.
What was she supposed to say about that anyway? Things had been messed up, confusing, and painful before she had done what she had, and of course, now everything was so much worse. The ace groaned aloud, snapping her jaw shut at the action and burying her face in her hand. She supposed she could worry about that later, when she actually worked up the nerve to knock on the door, as fun as it was to stand in front of it at this ungodly hour, muttering to herself like a spaz.
Of course, it didn't help that she had worked herself up into a frenzy before she had even left, changing her clothes so many times she was sure she must have gone through her entire wardrobe. And for what? This was a conversation. A simple talk. She had talked with Fate thousands of times, so really, this shouldn't be such an ordeal.
She sucked in a breath, squared her shoulders, raised her hand once more, and faltered. This was a terrible idea. Maybe she should take a day. Sleep on it. Gather her thoughts back into something coherent and organized. Totally not running away, she told herself, just…strategizing. Yes. Strategizing. Because as messed up as she felt now, if Fate were to answer the door, she'd probably do something stupid, like latch on to her, or, or maybe Fate would grab her, push her up against the wall, and…
Her brain promptly short circuited. Totally inappropriate thoughts for a woman about to be married, and it was enough to give her a start. She took a step back, already planning her escape route, desperately needing to reevaluate all of this, and the door opened on its own from the other side.
Fate stood barefoot in the doorway, in just shorts and a tank top, her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail, wire rimmed reading glasses low on the bridge of her nose, an elegant brow arched in a puzzled expression.
Dear God, she looked good.
Bed. Nanoha's brain supplied helpfully, Fate was getting ready to go to bed, and here she was, standing here and gaping at her like she had never seen her before.
"So." Fate started, her tone neutral. "I was wondering how long you were going to stand out in the hall."
"Ah…I…" Nanoha trailed off, feeling her face grow hot. Glasses. When did Fate start wearing glasses? She had seen them on her only once before, the morning she and Vivio had stopped by, and she had dragged Fate off to the supermarket. She never had a chance to ask about them though, and really, she looked awfully good in them. Nanoha fidgeted restlessly, absently picking at the hem of her skirt and floundering for a response. She must have been staring a tad too long, because even the normally stoic woman was starting to look uncomfortable.
"D-did you want to come in?" Fate asked awkwardly, shifting in place when she received no answer. "You know. To talk? Punch me in the mouth, maybe?"
"No." Nanoha replied quickly, with a brisk shake of her head, feeling a rush of panic when the blonde looked almost hurt. "I mean, I wouldn't…" Her features screwed up in frustration, and she had to take a breath to steady herself once more. "Why would I hit you?"
"Uh…" The blonde scratched the back of her neck, her cheeks darkening as she dropped her gaze. She had figured that as the hour had gotten so late, Nanoha had changed her mind about wanting to have a discussion after everything that had happened. She had been just about ready to give up and drag herself to bed when she had heard shuffling and mumbling outside her door, and it didn't take her long to figure out who it was on the other side. After listening to Nanoha torture herself for a few minutes, she had decided to take the first step, but now, as they stood here acting like teenagers, she was starting to feel rather foolish. "About earlier…"
"That was my fault." Nanoha murmured quietly. "I'm sorry about that, by the way."
"No, no, it…it wasn't bad." Fate tried, but the quivering in her chest was making it hard to think clearly. She knew that she could have walked away, stopped it from progressing, anything, but it wouldn't do to argue about something like this in the hallway. Besides, watching Nanoha fidget so nervously was stupidly endearing, as she had always been the type to shoot first, ask questions later. "Ah." Fate laughed nervously, pulling the door open fully and stepping back a few paces. "Let's start over. Come in, and we can talk."
The brunette gave her a tiny smile, her thoughts echoing back to Shamal's question. "Like adults?"
Fate grinned. "We can try."
"So." Fate said, heading towards the kitchen as Nanoha slipped off her shoes, trying her best to ignore the glaring similarities between the here and now and what had happened in this exact same spot two nights ago. She was pretty sure that this time, however, she wouldn't turn around and find a nearly half naked woman in her living room. Her pulse fluttered wildly at the thought, and it was just enough to make her tongue go numb for the briefest of moments. Dangerous path, that was, and it took her a solid minute to reign herself back in. "Want something to drink? I've got tea." Dark eyes flickered over her traitorous coffee maker with barely concealed disappointment and a quiet sigh. "And tea."
"I'm fine." Nanoha replied quietly, curiosity getting the better of her for a moment as she glanced over the tiny apartment and its sparse furnishings. Vivio wasn't kidding, it was rather spartan, and looked barely lived in, a high contrast to the woman who once valued family and home above all else. She wondered again what had happened to Fate these past two years, and maybe, she would finally find out. Her eyes traveled over a tiny bookcase, full of weapons manuals and books on foreign languages, and finally landed on a small framed photograph of herself and Vivio, taken many years ago.
It hurt to know that she had all this power, all this magic, but something like this felt just so out of her hands…
"Right." Fate muttered, rummaging through her refrigerator anyway and coming up with two bottles of water. With a pleased little hum she righted herself once more, shifting the water around in her hands and closing the refrigerator door with a bump of her hip. The shuffling drew the brunette's attention, and she couldn't help but grin at the enforcer's stubbornness. What was that Fate had said earlier about needing something to do when she had to 'deal' with things?
The blonde made her way towards the living room, passing a bottle off to Nanoha and twisting the cap off of her own with a quick flick of her wrist. "Make yourself at home."
The ace nodded mutely, watching Fate silently pad her way over to an old black couch, fairly used and a little lopsided. What garnered her attention however, were the ridiculously long legs that the enforcer tucked beneath her as she settled herself down into one of the corners, sinking down into the cushions with a light sigh. Nanoha felt heat climb up the back of her neck. Those shorts…they were awfully short. Wary eyes fell on the couch once more, and Nanoha's blush intensified, their earlier conversation in the cafeteria not forgotten as she directed her line of sight elsewhere, making a mental note to thump Hayate in the head the next time she saw her. It was painfully awkward to think about Fate and Ginga, here, like that, considering what had occurred just a few hours opted for a seat at the far end, plunking her water on the coffee table and keeping a safe distance between them, her eyes on the floor.
"What?" Fate blinked at the odd behavior, pushing her glasses further up before russet eyes widened in understanding. "Oh. Oh." Her face flooded with embarrassment. Damn Hayate. Damn her to hell. "Look, it's, uh…" she trailed off weakly, not even sure how to finish that sentence. Where was she going to go with it anyway?
"It's your business." Nanoha finished for her, still not daring to meet her eyes. "As long as you're happy."
"We're, we're not…" Fate started, brows creasing. How would she even begin to describe what she and the investigator were? Already her defenses were flaring up, but she knew that if she wasn't open and honest, they weren't going to get anywhere. She dry-scrubbed the side of her face with the palm of her hand, muffling a groan. "Ginga and I. It's…complicated." Although she didn't say it, the words, the declaration, 'you wouldn't understand' still hung in the air.
Complicated. Like she and Nanoha weren't?
"Maybe we should start at the beginning?" Nanoha replied quietly, hoping her apprehension wasn't so blatantly obvious. Fate was already looking tense, too tense, really, judging by the way the muscles in her shoulders were visibly bunching, and they had yet to even scratch the surface of problems that ran so much deeper. "The night you left. When, when all of this started."
Oh. A tiny frown appeared. That. Fate took a long sip from her water bottle, almost wishing it were something a little stronger. "Not much to say on my end." she sighed dismissively, though her fingertips were dimpling soft plastic sides, and the bottle crackled audibly under the pressure. Her mask slipped back on, and she looked detached once more. "I saw what I saw, and I left."
Nanoha's hands twisted together in her lap, while her insides mimicked the action. An image of a bandaged and battered Fate sprang to mind, and she had to control the urge to seek out the scar on the enforcer's temple. "B-before that." She sucked in a breath, wondering if it sounded as shaky as it felt. She had to remind herself that she had wanted this, she had pushed for this, and now she was getting it. "You looked like you were in bad shape."
"That night?" Fate questioned dully. That night had been the culmination of five months of pure hell. She and Teana had been tasked with hunting down and apprehending a ring of human traffickers, that much Nanoha knew. What the ace didn't know, however, was exactly what the criminals were abducting children for, and as far as Fate was concerned, it could stay that way. "You're sure you want to start there?" Subconsciously, her hand grazed over an old wound. Her left side still ached sometimes, and she wasn't sure she was ready to dredge those waters just yet, but when Nanoha nodded, Fate felt her heart sink.
"Fate-chan, I need to know. I have to. It's been driving me crazy."
The enforcer fell silent. She had worked so hard and for so long to keep these things from Nanoha, to shield her from some of the horrors of what lay beyond their planetary borders, but even now, here, like this, it was near impossible to deny her of anything. She raked a hand through her hair, jaw clenching tight. "Alright. But, keep in mind, I can't tell you everything. Parts of that case are still….unresolved." Almost a lie. What she told the instructor next however, was as close to the truth as she could get. "I know I was out of contact for the duration of that mission, and it was for good reason. Teana and I, we were deep in hostile territory. Any outgoing communications would have tipped off our suspects that we were in their vicinity, and closing in."
As it stood, it had taken her and Teana far too long to track them down in the first place, bouncing from planet to planet, star system to star system, and by the time they had gotten caught up, too much damage had already been done, and as she recounted details of the case, her eyes hardened.
"There were children involved, and it turned into a hostage situation at the very end. But…I…" she swallowed thickly. "I was only able to save three. Three out of forty seven." This was the case that kept her up at night. This was the one that made her wake up in cold sweats, heavy and thick with fear and pain, and just dredging it up now was enough to guarantee that she wouldn't be sleeping tonight. "The rest…the rest were too far gone. I tried to stay behind, tried to get as many as I could, but I had gotten careless."
Fate offered Nanoha a tiny grin. "Teana. That stubborn girl you trained, you really pounded it into her head, when to act, when to step in." She paused. She could remember the acrid smell of smoke, thick and searing if she inhaled too deeply, the scent of burnt ozone, partly due to her own attacks, but mostly due to something far worse, tripping over bodies, bleeding from just about every square inch of her own, and still fighting against her partner to go back in, to go back for more that were already doomed. "She dragged me out. What you saw, that night, were the remainders." She tapped the scar near her eye. "If it wasn't for Teana, I'd be dead. She threw me over her shoulder, and wouldn't listen to me, no matter how much I fought, threatened, or yelled. She kept saying, over and over, 'Captain, Nanoha will kill me so hard if I let you do that.'" Fate's features drew taunt. "I have to admit, looking back now, it's a bit embarrassing, crying on her like that."
"I, I didn't know." Nanoha replied softly. "No one told me anything."
"And they shouldn't. Top secret." Fate murmured. "Had to put the survivors in protective custody. Even I don't know where they are now. But Teana, she's a good kid." she swallowed against the rising knot in her throat, an uncomfortable pain settling in her chest, unsure of which part was the hardest. "I wouldn't have come home at all if it weren't for her. The whole time, the whole time I was in the infirmary, I kept thinking, if I can just get home. If I can just get home, everything will be okay." Her eyes finally met Nanoha's, and the pain in them was enough to make the instructor dizzy. "Well. I made it home."
Nanoha suddenly felt very, very sick. That night, she had been so wrapped up in her own pain and loneliness, unable to handle the not knowing, the worrying, and now that she knew everything, the full scale of it all, she wasn't sure which was worse. The anger she had felt for so long at Fate's absence had rapidly dissolved into an overwhelming wave of guilt, and she didn't know what to do. Even though Fate was so close, within arm's reach, she seemed so unbearably far away, curled up in the corner of the couch, a painful mirror image of the child she used to be.
"I suppose that played a huge part of my decision that night" Fate continued softly. She had come this far, she had already said too much, and now it was all tumbling out, unfiltered. "I saw you, looking so normal. So safe. Untouched from all of that, out there…" her voice shook, wary, uncertain, but she pushed on. "You were beautiful. And that's when I knew. I just…knew."
"Fate-chan…" Nanoha's eyes burned. After all this time, all the hurt and confusion, it was so surreal to hear it all, so upfront and plainly spoken at last. What might have been lost, in these past two years? Where was the sweet, innocent Fate she had known? Who was this broken individual, so sad and hurt before her? She tried to speak, near trembling, but the words wouldn't come.
"I had thought that that is what you wanted. A normal life, right?" A thin smile. "After everything you've been through, just to get to this point, after everything with your accident, and rescuing Vivio, and fighting so hard, every day, normal is what you deserve. And now?" Now, she belonged to someone else. Now, Fate would go back to her life on the fringes of civilization, back to sleepless nights and endless battles, waiting for her turn to die in some dark place unknown, filed away under a classified stamp. Fate let out a long sigh, shouldering her burdens and biting back the bitter laugh that threatened to escape. "Now you're getting married."
Normal. Nanoha started at the word. This was becoming way more than either of them planned, and the more she told herself that everything is fine, everything is normal, everything is as it should be, the more she realizes that she's an awful liar. Normal. Should be. The words slammed into her, through her, and when she finds her voice at last, the words nearly catch in her throat, and the blonde has to shift closer to her just to hear them. "What about you? Don't you deserve to be normal?"
Fate shook her head. "There is no normal for me. I will never be normal, considering who I am and where I have come from. I have to do my job, not because of my pride or my honor, but because I have the ability to. Every time I go out there, I have to remind myself that if something happens to me, if I were to just quit, it's not just my friends and family that would suffer."
Nanoha can feel old worries and anxieties stirring in her belly, and it's enough to nearly send her into a panic, and the calm she had been fighting so hard to keep was rapidly evaporating. "But you've done so much already!" her hands balled into fists, tightening up as she finally let some of the bitter venom out, partly due to years of pent up frustration at Fate's absence and partly due to her own sense of pressing guilt. "It's going to kill you!"
The enforcer looked unaffected and shifted in her seat. "Nanoha, even if I were to fall in battle, if I died, that means something extremely bad got past me, and if it's done that, then it's taking innocent people out with it as well. But what scares me the most is that it could be coming here." Russet eyes flickered over Nanoha. "Here for you, for Vivio, for your parents, and Lindy. The things I've seen, the things that I know are out there, I couldn't live with myself knowing that I wasn't doing the most I could possibly do to keep you and so many others safe."
"But I would fight. I can fight. I'm not some little girl that needs protecting anymore!"
"I know you're not." Fate replied softly. "But this, this is what I know how to do. This is what I can do."
"And this?" Nanoha retorted, reaching across the distance that had been rapidly closing between them and pressing a hand against the spot where she knew the long scar ran down Fate's side, the warmth of her skin radiating through the thin tank top. Her gaze softened. "What do you think I could possibly say to Vivio? That you died on some remote planet, millions of miles away, just to keep us safe?"
Fate didn't know how to answer that. One of her worries and fears had always been the pain her death would cause those she left behind, and it was one of the main factors that had kept her from admitting her feelings. What could she offer Nanoha that would compare with a steady, normal life?
"Fate-chan." Nanoha nearly whispered. "It may sound self-centered, and it probably is, but I…I just don't know what I'd do if I lost you. While you were gone, it left such a huge hole in my life, and it just hurt. It hurt so badly, and no matter what I did, I couldn't make it stop." Thoughts of Yuuno, and Hayate's accusation of Nanoha just settling for what she had stung.
"You weren't the only one." Fate admitted quietly. "I felt so lost, and I've done some awful things to a good person."
The instructor was pretty sure she knew who Fate meant, but for once, she knew better than to push.
"I was lonely." Fate continued on her own, "Messed up, confused, I don't even know. But she was there. She was just there, and I used her." Her hand covered Nanoha's, and she gently removed it from where it lingered on her side, tugging until their fingers laced together. "But I promise you this, I never lied about it, never to you. While I do care about her, I'm not in love with her. I don't think I could be, not with the way I feel about you. It wouldn't be fair to anyone."
Nanoha swallowed hard, her face heating up. There it was again, so plainly spoken after dancing around the topic for so long, and once more, she didn't know what to say.
Fate gave her a wry grin. "It was never my intention for you to find out, you know. I just wanted to get through this furlough and go back to work."
Nanoha squeezed the hand so warm and soft, still intertwined with her own. "I-I'm sorry, for what I did."
"Hm?"
"Earlier. At the shop." her blush darkened, and she had to drop her gaze. "I don't know how it happened. I was just, so…I don't even know, angry?" The ace looked pained. "That's probably not even the right word. There's just so much here between us, you know? I have to sort this out, and to know how you feel now." she swallowed thickly. "You mean so much to me, but, I…"
"I know." Fate finished quietly, her eyes growing cloudy.
"I can't hurt him."
"I know."
"He's…he's a good man…"
"I know."
"Stop saying that! You don't know!" Nanoha felt heat rush through her veins. This all hurt, so very much, and she knew it was hurting Fate too, but she was just taking it, all of it, and shoving it down for Nanoha's sake. Stormy blue eyes locked on their hands, and she realized they were shaking. Her stomach rolled into knots, and her vision swam. This woman, this wonderful person sacrificed herself again and again for someone like her, who didn't even deserve it, and she was doing it again. Her mother. Hayate. They had been right all along, when she had refused to see it.
She loved Fate, but the revelation came at such a high price. The right thing, the wrong thing, the promises; they were going to tear her apart.
Fate regarded her calmly. "Would you rather I made this difficult for both of us? Because honestly, I would prefer to get this over with quickly." There was a flicker of pain in russet eyes. "Let's make this a clean break, alright?"
Clean break? Broken bones. A broken heart. Why did Fate have to be so damn wonderful anyway? She wasn't yelling, she wasn't crying, she seemed just so resigned to everything, to putting what Nanoha wanted above everything else, even her own feelings, just like she had always done for so many years. She had never denied her of anything, except where her job was concerned, and she wasn't trying to push her into anything. Fate wanted her to be genuinely happy, and it just hurt. She squeezed her eyes shut. "Why…why do you have to do that?"
"Do what?"
"Act like everything will be fine! It's not fine!" Nanoha cried. "Nothing about this is fine!"
It happened so fast, too fast, really. One minute, she was barely containing the urge to grab the blonde by the shoulders and shake her senseless, and in the next, Fate had released her hand, shifting her grip so it was on Nanoha's wrist instead, and pulled her forward with a swift tug until she found herself in Fate's lap, nearly crushed up against her chest, warm arms sliding around her and holding her close. She let out a shaky exhale of air, her heart suddenly raging against her rib cage, and she gripped onto Fate's shoulder weakly.
Lips hovered near Nanoha's ear, Fate's silken voice doing terrible things to her nerves. "It's not, so tell me." The arms around her tightened, and she could feel warm breath in her hair. "What am I supposed to do?"
Oh. Oh no.
Fate was near trembling, and Nanoha could feel the muscles quivering under her splayed fingers. "Don't do this." she murmured, pressing her face into the enforcer's shoulder, breathing in her familiar scent, allowing herself to get drawn in, knowing she was terrible for not pulling away. "Please don't do this, when you know I can't..."
"If it were that easy…" Fate started, her voice wavering now.
Nanoha closed her eyes, hot and dizzy. This isn't a fairy tale, and there isn't going to be a happy ending, but she could feel Fate's heartbeat, thundering so close to her own, and for the tiniest sliver of a second, nothing else mattered. She turned her head and swallowed down the tiny voice of reason as her lips nearly brushed against the soft skin of the enforcer's throat. Fate stiffened, the arms around her loosening, and as Nanoha raised her head once more, knowing this was bad, knowing that she was in the wrong again, her thoughts were silenced when Fate leaned in and kissed her.
It was just like the first time, all over again. All these feelings, all these sensations, they were near overloading her senses, and she could swear her body was liquefying in in Fate's arms. One kiss melted into two, and it was only when a hand brushed against her cheek did Nanoha realize that she was crying.
Fate drew in a ragged breath, pulling back as if she had been burned, dark eyes screwed shut. "I…I'm sorry."
"We both…" Nanoha tried weakly, but she was really in no better shape, swallowing against the lump in her throat. "I say these things, and then…"
"That one was my fault." Fate replied quietly, chancing a glance upwards and using the pads of her thumbs to sweep away Nanoha's tears once more. "Why is it that every time we're together, I make you cry?"
The brunette gave her a shaky smile. "I don't think it's you."
"Pretty sure it is."
"No." Nanoha answered, covering the hand pressed against her cheek with her own. "I'm a terrible person, and I'm doing these terrible things…"
Fate continued the gentle caress, the skin under her fingers warming at the contact. "I've never thought that, not for a second."
Nanoha leaned subtly into the touch, and the blonde felt her heartbeat quicken, tempted to lean forward once more. She was beautiful, she always had been, and it was enough to spark a surge of jealousy. Nanoha's fiancé? She hoped he knew how lucky he was. Blue eyes swam with unshed tears, but was a sobering thought, and it was enough to make Fate pull her hand away. She had gotten careless again, and it was time to come back down to reality. "I'm pretty sure this is the part where you need space, right?"
"I've had two years' worth of space." Nanoha exhaled shakily, gripping onto Fate's shoulders a little tighter. "Don't you dare even say that."
"It…it will be okay." Fate tried, forcing the words out, knowing that neither one of them believed them. "We'll be okay. It will work out, and eventually, it will be like it used to be."
"Fate-chan," a tiny, wordless hitch of her breath. "I don't think we can..."
But Fate wordlessly wrapped her arms around her once more and leaned back, pulling the ace down with her. Nanoha's weak interjections were silenced when she was subtly shifted, her head now half against a warm shoulder, tucked under Fate's chin. Tears stung her eyes again at the feeling of a soothing hand tracing abstract patterns on her back, and it was only when she was fully cuddled up against Fate after so long that she realized how much she had missed it in the first place. The guilt was back, the word unfaithful tumbling through her heart and her thoughts. This, all of this, it was wrong, and she knew it. She had someone who loved her so very much, someone she had made so many promises to, so why was it so hard to pull away?
Fate remained silent, fingertips occasionally sliding through her hair. How many times had they done this before? How many nights had they spent in a similar position? Friends, even best friends, didn't do this. Her fingers worried at the seam of Fate's shirt, and she found herself fighting the urge to cry. The heartbeat so close to her own quickened and she felt Fate take a steadying breath.
"Nanoha…this…this should probably be the last time we do this."
Nanoha's chest constricted painfully at the words, knowing Fate was right, but not ready to admit it. She squeezed her eyes shut, burrowing in further to the warmth the enforcer provided, swallowing down rational thought. "Just…just for tonight?" she tried, her voice unsteady. "I know it's selfish, and I've asked for so much from you, but just this once…"
What might have been lost…
The arms around her held her closer.
Notes:
Well, between traveling all over the place and working like a dog, I finally managed to get this bit done. It just kept going and going, not that y'all care if it's a bit longer than usual, I'm sure.
This was kinda painful for me. A little therapeutic, even, which is probably another reason for the delay.
Much angst. Much guilt. But that's the holidays for ya. Woo.
