Disclaimer: I am still not JK or SM so even though I may claim the boys for now I do have to give them back.
A/N: Sorry for the un-update yesterday. Massive computer virus and yeah not good. Sorry in advance, Pretty_Twisted. I do what I have to so please don't hurt me.
Warning: Graphic Scenes! Big Warning there! Violence, blood, coarse language and mild slash. Don't read if you don't like blood. You have been warned. This is an angst fic so what do you expect?
Chapter 5: Blood
Draco POV.
Jake's arms encircled my waist as I leant into his strong, warm embrace. All thoughts of Lucius and the outside world left me as I completely immersed myself in his arms. This had to be the way to find myself again. It felt so right.
I pulled away with a smile on my features, knowing that if I stayed there that I would never be able to leave.
Sure the wolf thing scared me a bit and I would talk to him about that, but honestly, knowing Remus Lupin as well as I do, I am not too worried.
"Jake?"
"Mmm," he said looking at me with those hot desirous eyes.
"Can, uh, we go back to your place please? I would really like to have a shower."
"Oh, wha-, yeah 'course. Sorry," he said sheepishly.
He started to make his way back through the forest. I followed at a slower pace, trying to get my head around everything that has happened in the last three days. There was no doubt in my mind that Jake was exactly what I needed. Whether I deserved him though, was another matter entirely.
I couldn't help thinking, later on that night as I lay staring at the ceiling, that Jake could do a lot better than me. I am damaged goods, broken and tossed aside, only used when someone feels like it. I am worthless. I serve no purpose other than to bring bad things onto people who don't deserve it. I am poison, plain and simple.
I thought of the resemblance between my father and I. Long blonde hair, hollow grey eyes, pale skin, graceful limbs and an unmistakable way of holding ourselves that only a Malfoy could perfect. It was inevitable that I was one day going to end up like him wasn't it? They say that sons turn into their fathers. I felt the first waves of nausea beginning to swirl through my veins at these sickening thoughts yet, I couldn't re-focus. My vision started swimming and my mouth went as dry as the Sahara Desert. I slowly sat up trying to lose the horrible sensation. Unfortunately, it only got worse. Lucius' face spun in the room before my very eyes and I retched. "I don't want to be like him," I said to no-one in particular. I stood up and the world revolved around me. I couldn't take much more of this. I heard Lucius' cold, hard voice in my head, "…You are nothing…a freak not worthy of the Malfoy name…mine." I still believed it. I am nothing. I am no-one. A tear snuck out of the corner of my eye and rolled gently down my jaw. I felt it drop onto my neck and slide down my chest before stopping.
My head still reeling my stomach gave another heave and I knew I had to get to the bathroom. I ran through the house as quietly as I could, but every noise I made seemed amplified by the suffocating silence of the night. I passed the couch that Jake was sleeping rather awkwardly on nearly knocking a table over in my hurry.
As the contents of my stomach evacuated themselves, I clung to the bowl to keep me somewhat upright. Unusually, I got no relief from the violent gagging. No amount of vomiting was going to fix me this time. I was too worked up. My breath was racing, heart pumping and to my intense dismay, I was still dizzy as hell. Lucius was dancing around in my head and there was not a thing I could do to get rid of him. He's my father and his blood that runs in my veins will poison me. If I could just get rid of the blood seeping through my being then I might stand a chance. Then it hit me. I stood up and reached to the small vanity, looking for the one thing that might give me my salvation, something that could end all of my pain and rid me of Lucius for good. My sharp, silver saviour.
The blade bit into my skin as I sighed with relief. Lucius' evil blood dripped down my arm, purging me of all that reminded me of him. I did not want to die. No, that was not my aim. This blissful release of all that I hated in myself and my father, would help me to live another day. Careful to miss the vein, I slid my hand down again. More blood trickled down my hand and pooled on the floor. The dirty, toxic blood darkened and I laughed with the high I was feeling. Slicing again, I actually giggled. My father's blood was getting out and I was feeling good for the first time in a long time. I leant my head back against the wall and sighed. Coming down of the almost high I was on the sleep I was desperate for finally came.
I woke to a yell. Jake was standing in the door, calling for his dad to go and telephone Carlisle. My dark, handsome man knelt down beside me and took the razor out of my grasp. I shook my head and tried to reach for the comforting blade. Horror- struck Jake picked it up and I said to him in a quiet voice, "Jake please?"
"No Draco. What the fuck do you think you're playing at? Huh? Killing yourself is not the answer to your problems."
Killing myse-, "No Jake you got this all wrong. I wasn't trying to kill myself. You have to believe me."
"Right now Draco, I don't know what the fuck to believe. I walk in here, after being woken by my arm feeling like it has been sliced and diced, and I find you sitting in a pool of your own blood with obviously self-inflicted gashes all down your arm and you want me to believe that you aren't trying to do yourself in? What else am I supposed to think? That you did all of this for shits and giggles? Come on Draco. I wasn't fucking born yesterday."
"It's just something I do when I am upset. I couldn't calm down earlier, I needed sleep and this was the only way that I felt I could feel better. I am sorry. I had no intention of you finding me like this. Not that you even care what I am feeling."
Jake's tears mixed with my filthy blood, swirling and combining to make intricate patterns on the floor. Jake put his large, warm hand on my cheek.
"I do care Drake. More than you will ever know." He pressed his lips gently on mine.
Just then Carlisle flew into the room. I had never seen anyone move so fast in all my life. Not even on a broomstick. I wondered what Billy had told the doctor to get him here so fast. My brain was still a little muddled from the blood loss.
Carlisle and Jake stood me up, my head lolling to the side as I drooped into their hold. Jake's brow was creased with worry as he helped Carlisle to clean me up and bandage my arm. I looked at the puddle on the floor and I felt a smug sense of satisfaction that I had gotten so much of Lucius' tainted blood out of my system. I must have smiled at that because Carlisle cocked his eyebrow.
"What's going on Draco?" asked the good doctor.
"Nothing, look I am sorry ok? I really am. I find that sometimes getting the filth out helps me cope. Look it's not a big deal."
"The filth?"
"My father's blood. I hate that I am so much like him. See, my blood is his blood and that means I will end up like him and I don't want that," I explained.
Carlisle walked me to the kitchen and sat me down.
"I think it's time we had a little chat. Don't you?"
I sighed and put my head in my hands. "I suppose. Jake deserves to know why I did what I did."
The doctor put the kettle on for tea and called Jake into the kitchen. The look of hurt on his face as he sat down opposite me nearly tore my heart out of my chest. How could I have been so selfish? I hadn't thought about what impact my actions would have on anyone else.
"Jake. I am so so so sorry."
"I don't want to hear your apologies Draco. I want you to tell me what is really going on so that I can help you."
"Well," I said as I took a deep breath, "It started when I was seven. My father used to use violence as a teaching method. He would take me into the dungeon of our house and beat me until I learnt his way of doing things. Then I started school when I was eleven and I was away for most of the year, I was never allowed to stay at school for the holidays although I desperately wanted to."
I looked down at my hands as I went on, "I started to rebel against the monster when I realised that no-one else was treated like that. So he stepped things up and started to rape me as a punishment. See, he told me that everyone gets taught like this so I shouldn't tell anyone. I never did say a word. Only one person ever found out about the abuse. Harry Potter. My worst enemy. The one person I never wanted to find out. He noticed the bruises and cornered me about it."
Carlisle handed me the hot mug of tea and I cradled it in my hands before taking a sip.
"So what happened then?" asked the doctor.
"Harry always could read me like a book. I knew I couldn't lie to him so I told him everything and for a while confiding in him was enough to calm me down. He has even tried to contact me here but I don't want to be found for the moment. I will get in contact with him soon enough. But, as I grew I began to look like Lucius more and more and I began to hate myself more and more because of that. I tried to dye my hair, cut it, transfigure my eyes everything but it seemed like the world was determined that I look like my father. That was when I started to cut. I thought the less of the monster's blood that lingered in my veins the less like him I would be. All good in theory, but as I have done tonight, I took things too far a number of times. Harry would find me, patch me up and take me back to my dorm to sleep it off."
I drank some of the hot tea to moisten my mouth.
"It got to the point that I would be physically ill if I thought about the resemblance too long. This is what happened tonight. I was thinking about how Jake deserves someone better than me because I am innately a monster and things got out of hand. I can't control it and I feel so weak because of the panic attacks and the way that my father can control me without even being here."
"Draco," Carlisle started, "I understand your reasoning. Truly I do, but we are here to help you. You know that. We can help you with your control of these issues. They have become somewhat of an addiction am I right? You only get relief from the purging?"
"Yes, I suppose you're right. I never thought about it that way before." I shrunk down in my chair, avoiding Jake's eyes. Great, now I am not just a freak but fucking addict as well. That so helps thanks Doc.
"We need you to tell us when you feel an on-coming episode. That way we can talk you through it and help you move past the urges. I would recommend a councillor but I honestly think with Jacob here to support you, you should be perfectly fine."
"Everything here is so unfamiliar. I don't know anyone, I can't go out anywhere and I am really missing the magic. I can feel it around me and I am dying to use it but I just can't. Not without my wand at least. That above all else is making me homesick as hell."
Jake finally spoke, "Drake, I am here for you. I want to hold your hand and guide you through this crap. You are not your father. I know you, the real you and you are not the monster you make yourself out to be. I am not going to walk away from you and I hope that once you know the truth about me and Carlisle, that you realise that we all have secrets, some of them more innocent than others. Maybe if you wrote to this 'Harry' again and asked him to get some of your stuff sent over, we could make you feel more at home."
Tears spilled down my cheeks as I looked at the gorgeous teen in front of me. I folded my hand into his and squeezed.
"I can't ask him Jake. If my father catches the smallest rumour that I am here he will come and get me. He has probably got people looking over here for me already. It is just a matter of time before he catches up. I can't bring him here. I don't want him to taint this more than he already has."
"Ok, fair enough. You look exhausted. We should probably get you back to bed. Thanks for coming out Carlisle," said Jake.
"No worries boys. Draco remember to tell Jake how you're feeling. He knows what to do. Why don't you two come up to our place for dinner on Saturday night? Esme is dying to try out some new recipes and I am confident that everyone will love you Draco."
I looked over at Jake who had the most peculiar look on his face, almost looked like he was repulsed by the idea. I smiled at the doctor and told him that we would be delighted to. Jake glared at me as Carlisle left.
I laughed at Jake's expression again. "What? Don't you like their interior decorating or something?"
His brown eyes widened and he choked in response, "Yeah, something like that."
I could sense that there was more to that story so I let it drop for now. Jake looked as tired as I felt.
"I am going to go back to bed now. I am sorry again," I said dropping my eyes.
"Really, you say sorry one more time and I am going to hit you. Come on, I'll tuck you in," he sid eyes glinting.
Turning the lights off on our way to the bedroom, my hand found Jake's. I laced my fingers through his and he fitted his hand into mine perfectly. Sighing contentedly, I climbed into the bed. Jake pulled up the blanket and kissed me goodnight. As he turned to leave the room, I called out his name.
"Jacob," he turned to me and the moonlight shone onto his face,
"Stay with me? I know you hate the couch and I know that the bed isn't really big enough for the two of us but I really want to sleep and I know that if you stay with me I will."
Jake looked at me as if he was assessing me for something. Grinning he slipped his shirt over his head and closed the door. Slipping his warm body into the bed next to me, he wound his muscle clad arms around me and held me tight against his body. "Goodnight Draco. Sweet Dreams."
I sighed and before I could respond I was enclosed in the deepest, warmest sleep that I have ever had.
I hope that was worth the wait!
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