"Um, h-hello. How do even I start? I guess I just sort of kept putting it off. And we've been doing really well at MJN this past year, and I don't have the free time to drive all the way to London to talk to you every month or two. I am sorry, Skip. Hopefully the nurses were good company.
"I really don't have much to tell you. I'm just checking in on you, is all. I've been doing fine myself. Things still feel wrong, but wrong has become normal. But enough about me. How've you been, up there in that head of yours? Good? I've heard that your physical therapy has been doing well. That's... that's good to hear.
"...What am I even doing here?"
~oOo~
"Some days, I think I'm okay. I think that, maybe I've reached the light at the end of the tunnel. But after a few days, it always dims and then I'm not right again. I've tried taking up hobbies to take my mind off of it. Like cycling, or photography. They don't work for long.
"I'm sad, Martin. I'm sad, and I don't even know why. I'll be in sitting my room, or driving to the airfield, and I'll just start crying and I can't stop. I either can't manage to get myself to sleep at night, or I can't bear to get myself out of bed in the morning. Douglas says I should get help, but how can I even think about getting help when I don't know what's wrong?
"I feel like my mind is a string, and everything stretches it further than it should ever go. And I'm scared that one day something even worse is going to happen and the string is going to snap."
~oOo~
"Mum has cancer.
"I shouldn't even be here. I should be with her, 'cause she's not doing so well and I'm so worried. But... since then, she's given MJN to me. Permanently. I'm the boss now.
"I don't know what I'm doing. The lawyers try to help. The doctors try to explain everything to me. I'm doing the best I can, I really am, but even then I still don't know what's going on and I can tell everyone's getting frustrated with me. I can't help it, though. I can't help that I'm dumb. Always have been, always will be. And dumb people like me just need to stay out of everyone else's way. I need to leave the lawyers and doctors to their jobs and hope that they do it right.
"But Mum will get better, Skip. She will. I don't care what the doctors say. I mean, look at you. Your doctors were wrong. You were supposed to get better, and you haven't, so maybe her doctors are wrong, too. Since they say she'll get worse, maybe she'll get better.
"I'm not making much sense, am I? But then, where's the surprise there?"
~oOo~
"I don't really know what to say, so I might as well get to the point: I need to help Herc pay for Mum's treatment. I'm selling G-ERTI to Dad.
"MJN is mine. I can do what I want with it, so I might as well get rid of it. He's given me a generous offer, and he says I would be an idiot not to accept. So I've made up my mind. And there's nothing Mum can do about it, nothing Herc can do about it, nothing Douglas can do about it, nothing even you can do about it.
"So. MJN Air is over. Heh. I honestly thought I would be sadder about it, but... I'm not. I'm actually almost happy. It sure is a big weight off of my shoulders. A relief, really. I won't even miss it.
"... I can't even tell if I'm lying or not."
~oOo~
"I've moved here to London. Well, not quite - I'm still a ways out, a few miles away from Mum and Herc's new place. Kinda near the hospital. Kinda not near the airport. And that's a good thing, I think. We'd lived in Fitton for a long time. We'd been on planes for even longer. It was time for a scenery change. I don't think I would've been able to settle in boring little Fitton, anyways - not after I'd travelled the world for over half my life. At least I can get lost in London.
"Though Douglas is staying put. I reckon it's so he can stay close to one of his daughters. He's not quite ready to retire, so I think he's taking up some job on the airfield. I haven't really talked to him in a few weeks, so I don't know for sure."
~oOo~
"Theresa is getting married. I saw it on the news a few days ago. Some Lord bloke from an Eastern European country I'm not too familiar with. 'The Royal Wedding of the Year', it's being called. As far as I know, none of us have been invited.
"Also, I've finally gotten a new job. I'm a bellboy at a Marriott, just like I told you I could be. And it turns out that being a bellboy is not so different from being a steward. There are more doors, and more people at once. But there's still luggage to carry and food to deliver and people to get a shouting from.
"I... I've even managed to meet someone here. Her name is Susan. She works at the bar, and we've gone out a few times these past two months, and... and I really like her. She's what's helping me through this. Around Suzie, I feel better, just a bit. I don't know what I would do without her. Maybe things will work out between us. I hope they do.
"The cancer's spread, too. I'm not sure I can bring myself to say much more, except... I'm scared."
~oOo~
"Oh God. Sorry. This is the first time you've heard from me in almost a year, and I'm crying. Great.
"Sorry, sorry. It's just... in these past few months, Mum's gotten critical. Oh God, oh God. She's not going to make it another year. She's my best friend. You were my best friend. Douglas was my best friend. Suzie... Susan was my best friend, too, for a bit. Funny how you can get to thinking that things will last...
"... I-I was engaged for a while. I never got around to telling you. But I'm not anymore, so it doesn't really matter, does it? Susan changed her mind. Decided she couldn't commit to something like that. And it hurt, her saying that. But no matter how painful it was, if it made her happy, I was okay with it. But then Susan quit her job, and then she moved to Wales, and I still don't know why. She won't answer her phone, she won't respond to any message I send her. She made me better, gave me hope, but now that she's gone... I'm relapsing.
"Why do I keep doing this? Why? I'm giving up on you, Martin. I should've given up on you a while ago. You're not coming back. You're not. I'm not going to walk in here one day and you be alright. It's not going to happen, ever. I don't know what made me think it would for so long.
"I can't keep coming in to check on you. I've thought long and hard about this, and I've figured out what's wrong with me. It's wishful thinking. Wishful thinking is what's holding me back. That's what's been making me sad. It's foolish and lazy, just hoping that things will get better, 'cause when they don't... I've wasted my life away, just waiting for nothing.
"I'm not going to live like this anymore. I won't take it. So this might be the last time you hear from me. I'm done doing this."
~oOo~
"... I came back.
"I don't know why, I really don't. I don't even want to be here.
"It's been five years since the Icarus accident. Five years, four month, and sixteen days since my life started dying away. And I'm still here, desperately trying to find some strand of hope to grab on to. Please. Oh God, please give it to me! I'm exhausted. I'm miserable. I feel emptier than I've ever felt before, and it's not right. Please, God. If you won't let me move on, then at least give me hope. Please..."
...
"... Martin? Martin, are you there? Can you hear me? Oh my God. Doctor Shaw! Doctor Shaw! He can hear me! He's squeezing my hand! He can hear me, I know it! Martin?
"Martin!"
