Job promotions are usually a good thing - they are a very bad thing, though, for my already-limited free time. Sorry for this worse-than-usual gap, guys. :(
BIG NOTE - I have not had time to see Iron Man 3 yet. :( :( So accordingly, this fic isn't going to reflect anything from it yet. But pleasepleaseplease do not give any spoilers in the reviews! Despite my best efforts I've heard something about a twist and I really don't want to know what happens till I see it.
And I think that's it. Thank you so much for sticking with this story, everyone - means the world :3
The following hours were some of the strangest that Tony had ever experienced. He thought he had a handle on the basic behavior of wizards, but apparently not. The moment the door open, a wizard in flowing blue robes strode in and immediately pointed his wand at Harry, demanding something about a patronus. Before Tony could do much more than gawk, Harry responded with something about a stag, and the man lowered his wand, all smiles. Harry didn't seem particularly upset about the almost-assault, either. Definitely weird, but maybe that was the normal greeting style for wizards. Who was he to know?
Another crack, another wizard. This one was less threatening looking, with his frayed clothes and graying hair… But then Tony noticed the faded slash marks across his face and revised his opinion. The shabby scarred man approached Harry with his wand raised as well, but the robed man waved him off, saying he'd already checked. Only one greeting per wizard, perhaps? Tony knew he was being ridiculous, but at this point his jokes were about as likely as any true guess of his. Without knowing what a patronus was, he didn't have much hope guessing what the strange encounter was about.
One more crack, and a witch was let through the door. She had bright purple hair and didn't bother with the Harry-threatening – she just stared at Tony and the others with obvious curiosity before she bounded over to the gray-haired man and looped her arm through his. She was hugely pregnant and clearly quite proud of it.
The blue robed man had now turned his attention to Tony, and Tony didn't exactly like the fierceness in his gaze. He was painfully aware – again – that he had absolutely no protection against the foreboding looking man. These little situations were becoming all too frequent for Tony's taste.
Harry grabbed the robed man's arm and roped him into the conversation that he was already holding with the scarred man and the purple-haired witch. Considering the not-so-subtle looks everyone started throwing their way, Tony assumed they were explaining why they were there. If there was one thing that Tony had learned from Harry, it was that Muggles usually weren't brought into confidence about magical manners. Though Tony couldn't quite catch the words, the tone sounded like Harry was trying to persuade them that everything was all right.
Well, that was just dandy. Clearly as a Muggle he couldn't speak for himself anyway, right?
Feeling frustrated, Tony glanced at Bruce, Steve, and Thor. Bruce was watching with barely masked frustration – he didn't like not understanding things any more than Tony did. Steve was unruffled – for him, this was probably par for the course. Thor, on the other hand, looked completely unconcerned with the proceedings and was staring at the elf heads in evident confusion.
"I did not know humans hunted such small creatures," Thor was saying under his breath. He turned to Bruce. "The elf who so bravely saved us - will he be in danger from these hunters?"
"I don't think those are hunting trophies, Thor," Bruce said, but before he could continue, Ron jumped in.
"Nah, those are old house elves of this place," The ginger-haired wizard said. "Crazy old lady that lived here beheaded them when they were too old to carry a tea tray and mounted them up there. See –" He took a step forward, gesturing towards something in the hallway, but whatever he was saying was lost as a bloodcurdling scream echoed through the hall.
"Ron!" Tony heard Hermione cry in exasperation, but her shout sounded oddly strangled. Tony had no question why – his own throat had suddenly shut tight, and his tongue rolled back in on itself, keeping him from saying a single word.
The grimly flickering lanterns in the entryway went out as a sudden wind swirled around them, emanating from the hallway. Tony squinted in the darkness, trying to see what was coming at them this time. His tongue finally unrolled in his mouth, but before he could do much more than sputter, a ghostly voice whispered,
"Severus Snape?"
The screams were still echoing all around them, making the voice even creepier. It was amazing they were able to hear it at all. Then there was a whooshing, and a dim light appeared ahead of them, rapidly coming closer.
Harry stepped forward, standing between everyone and the approaching sinister shape. It was tall and gray, Tony could see that much as it hurtled towards them - then Tony's eyes adjusted and he realized what he was seeing.
A dusty corpse-figure was charging towards them from the depths of the hallway. Its bony finger was raised, with its mouth hanging open as though it was screaming, too. It looked as though it was somehow staring at them through its dead, empty sockets. Long hair and a longer beard trailed behind it as it charged.
It was, in short, the freakiest damn thing Tony had ever seen.
Steve drew his gun, but Harry, still somehow calm, just said, "We didn't kill you, Albus."
At his words, the dust-figure exploded, though the screams carried on. "Oh, shut up!" Hermione growled, running forward. She took care to avoid treading where the dusty zombie had so recently been. She pointed her wand at a portrait Tony had not noticed before – it depicted a woman, definitely painted, but being made out of oil pastel didn't much matter to the woman. She was very alive within her frame, screaming and spitting and gnashing her teeth. Now that the dusty man wasn't taking up his attention, Tony could make out the words she was screaming at the top of her painted lungs –
Mudbloods and Muggles, dirt and FILTH, how dare you besmirch the halls of my fathers! How DARE –
"Oh, shut UP!" Hermione shouted more forcefully, and with a jab of her wand, the curtains swung shut and silence finally fell. In the absence of screams and zombie noises, the house seemed eerily quiet.
"What a charming woman," Tony said.
Bruce snorted. "Don't talk to me about charming. You magic people have issues," He said, staring at the dust spot where the corpse-figure had risen.
"Just a defense mechanism," Hermione said.
"So are you looking to give all the burglars heart attacks, or what?" Tony said, thinking back to the hair-raising screams.
"Only Dusty is a defense," Ron said. He glared back at the covered painting. "She's just a nuisance we can't get off the wall."
Tony opened his mouth to say more, but Harry interrupted with introductions. "Tony, Steve, Bruce and Thor – this is Kingsley Shaklebolt," He gestured to the blue-robed wizard, "Remus Lupin," The scarred man smiled wanly, "And Tonks." The purple-haired witch beamed and waved at them all.
"They're part of the only group still fighting You-Know-Who – The Order of the Phoenix."
Dust-ghosts and screaming paintings were, unfortunately, only the tip of what was in store. After a few hours of talking with the new wizards, it was finally confirmed that Kingsley could, in fact, cast the Fidelius charm with the help of Lupin and Tonks. So that was good, though Tony still couldn't fathom how it took them so long to come to that conclusion. But, that unfortunately meant it was time to pick a secret-keeper, which a decision that Tony had definitely not been looking forward to.
Once the question was posed, Bruce scooted back from the table.
"I'm out," Bruce said immediately. "The other guy's too much of a risk."
Tony looked over at Bruce. He definitely had a point. The good doctor was a very good choice, but his angry alter ego? Not so much. Probably not a good idea to trust the Hulk with such sensitive information.
"The… other guy?" Kingsley said in his deep voice. With a slight grin on his face, Harry quickly explained to the other wizards about Bruce's angrier other side. The three new wizards looked unnerved – good. Sure, they didn't wave wooden sticks around, but the Avengers definitely deserved some respect.
Tony noticed Bruce looking sideways at Steve – he was definitely the obvious choice. All-around good guy, never sell out to evil and all that. But in this case, obvious wasn't a good thing.
"And not Steve, either," Tony said.
"And why is that?" Steve asked in surprise, looking angry and a little hurt.
Tony continued before the Captain could get his hackles up. "Because you're perfect for the job," Tony answered promptly. "Anyone who knows anything about us will immediately assume it's you. So no," Tony said. "We don't need to make things any easier for Voldy than it already is."
"I will do it," A deep voice boomed. Thor – who Tony had thought was asleep – suddenly spoke up.
Tony looked over at the god. Thor's blatant nobility definitely won him a few points – he would never willingly give information to the dark side, as it were. But what Thor had in brawn, he rather lacked in brains. Whoever was chosen needed to be prepared for any subterfuge, and that included being able to recognize the subterfuge when it came. And recognizing tricks and subtlety was definitely not Thor's forte.
So, again, no.
But Tony had to craft a better rejection statement for the god. Tony had a feeling he'd regret it if he insulted his intelligence to his face.
"Thor, there's no doubt you'd do a wonderful job, being Secret-Keeper," Tony said, making his voice unusually warm. Steve threw him a flabbergasted look. Tony would have liked to throw him a look of his own, but as Thor was staring at him that wasn't an option. Bruce however, looked calm and unconcerned – Banner was usually up to speed with whatever Tony was thinking, unlike the rest of the Avengers, who liked to trail a few steps behind.
"Then I shall," Thor said, but Tony wasn't finished. "You would do brilliantly… and everyone knows that you fight valiantly for all Midgardians. You'd never help Voldy. But then we have the same problem as we do with the Captain… your nobility speaks for itself. You're too obvious of a choice, Thor. We can't use you."
Tony was pretty proud of himself as Thor settled back into wooden kitchen chair. "Your logic is sound, Stark," Thor said, but he looked very pleased with himself. Flattery could work wonders sometimes – and was decidedly a better idea than calling the god stupid.
They were narrowing it down, and Tony was both disturbed and gratified that his name was still in the pool.
"What about Natasha?" Bruce said after a time, looking around the circle. The wizards were all looking awkward, but Tony ignored them completely. Let them be the ones left out for a change.
Tony considered what Bruce had said. Black Widow. Natasha, the spy, the rogue turned good. She'd turned her back on evil but kept the tricks. She'd definitely recognize any attacks that came her way – she'd be a good choice.
But what about Tony Stark? Who would ever think of choosing the selfish man in the suit, whose only power was in his technology? Take away the suit and take away the power - he had no question that that's how Voldy would view it. He wasn't just a bad choice, he was a stupid one. Voldy knew all about protection – why would anyone entrust such important information in someone who placed their life in an electrical suit of armor? He didn't have a superpower, he wasn't an assassin, and he certainly didn't have magic. Voldy definitely looked down on electricity (what wizard didn't?) and Tony thought he could spin that to his advantage. Voldy undoubtedly would underestimate the capabilities of his suit, which could only be a good thing. If anything he'd guessed about Voldy was right, he'd never assume the electrical knight would be the keeper of their greatest hope. And it wasn't like Tony was completely defenseless. Intellect was never out of place. Tony wasn't overly good like Steve, formerly evil like Natasha… he was just someone who could outthink, outsmart, and also laugh at anyone who tried to get the better of him.
And maybe it wasn't right to say he didn't have magic. He was close, very close to a breakthrough with he runes, he could feel it - which, if all went well, meant he'd at least have some magical protection. If it worked, it put him on more even footing with the wizards than they ever would have thought possible.
Which made him just about perfect for the job.
Damn it.
"Well, Natasha's a great choice, but I think the job's already taken," Tony said conversationally.
"By who?" Steve asked immediately.
Tony allowed himself a grin. "By me."
It wasn't a responsibility he wanted, by any means, but he couldn't help but think he was suited for it. Sure, it was probably his ego talking, but there was a fair amount of sense in there too.
Predictably, it took awhile to talk everyone around. It wasn't an easy thing, but eventually they all – rather grudgingly – agreed.
Kingsley intoned in his deep voice that there was no time to waste – he'd already stood and was heading back down the dark hallway. They'd convened in the much-pleasanter kitchen (what was it about kitchens as meeting places?) but everyone filtered back through the bleak hallway and to the door. They would have made it out quietly if not for Tonks, who tripped over an umbrella stand and set the woman to shrieking again. This time Lupin went over and wrenched the curtains shut himself. Tonks picked up the umbrella stand, which looked disturbingly like an elephant leg.
"It's a troll leg," She whispered conversationally to Tony as they went back towards the door. "Cool, eh?" She trotted ahead, back towards Lupin, and as she went Tony swore he saw her hair change smoothly from purple to pink.
Hair-color changing magic. What would they think of next?
Apparating was just as bad the second time as it was the first. Actually, it was probably worse, because Tony tensed up before the pressure began, making the squeezing darkness even more unbearable.
"First thing on the list after this Voldy thing is taken care of," Tony gasped as the world became visible around him again, "Make a non-compressing transporter. Screw the 'it's impossible' nonsense, I'll figure it out. There has to be a way to beam from London without being crushed along the way," He said, massaging his ribs.
"Well, let me know how that goes," Harry said, looking both completely unruffled by the Apparating and amused at Tony's reaction. Tony grumbled and turned away, looking instead at the three new wizards, who were standing side-by-side in front of the mansion. They had their wands raised, but Lupin suddenly stopped and went over to Tony. "Are there people inside?" He asked. When Tony nodded, he gave Tony a push towards the door. "Have them come out here, unless you want them all to be Secret-Keepers too," He said.
"Nope, definitely not," Bruce said from behind them. Loki as secret-keeper? No thank you. Tony was already heading towards the door. "And hurry!" Lupin shouted at Tony's retreating back, as though he wasn't moving fast enough.
So Tony had to run in and shove everybody out, then have a spell cast on him that put the mansion - and everyone within it – in his hands.
And then – as if that wasn't fun enough – then they got to start planning a break-in into the most secure magical bank in the world.
Just great.
Just in case it wasn't clear enough, the whole threatening-wand business was Kingsley asking the secret question about Harry's patronus to make sure it was Harry. Same for Lupin - though, if he'd gotten the chance to finish, he probably would have asked a different question.
I originally had a much longer scene with everyone in the Order, but I cut it because it didn't really fit. As it is, it's kind of small/pathetic, I know... Consider this a teaser for the minor characters of HP. Don't worry, you'll get much more of them later!
And we'll be at Gringotts in 3-4 chapters, yayyayyay!
Hope you enjoyed!
