Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Phantom of the Opera. This story is based on the novel by Leroux.

Author's note: No action in this chapter, just some of Christine's musings in the aftermath of the last chapter. She must make an important decision.

Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed, I have responses for you all but I don't know if you'll get them or not with the email alert thing being all wacky. Anyway, just know that I have been very encouraged. LonesomeGurlAngelofDeath: I think your question calls for a more immediate response than the others... I think you might have missed at least four chapters. Erik and Christine meet in person around chapter 13.


My Journal,

After my rather unsettling encounter with my unmasked captor, I have had some time to reflect.

Well, to be perfectly honest, the first thing I did when I got back to my room was destroy everything in my path that irritated me for one reason or another. That includes my new spectacles--which my subconscious likely blames for my clear, unobstructed view of, well, that--which are now in tiny pieces on my dresser. I have to admit that I did not think that one through. I wonder how I will explain it to Erik.

But, as I was saying, reflection soon followed. Erik has avoided me for a day and a half now. In truth, I have not made the slightest effort to seek him out either. I suppose we both need time to think.

Now I have come to a startling revelation and I am faced with the decision of how to proceed. Thinking back on how Erik accepted my comfort the other night, I realized that I now know his weakness. I have discovered the way that this man wants to be touched, the way that I can manipulate him.

I could not escape by force--he is much stronger than he looks

I can not run away--even if I could find my way through the traps and locks, even if I could figure out where I am and find a place to hide, he would likely come find me. I'd rather not get into that whole mess.

These things I already knew. That is how I had concluded that he needs to let me go willingly. Now, how would I go about that?

He did not respond to demands.

Threats didn't work. I have a feeling he's dealt with worse. Even my threat to despise him didn't result in my freedom--as I have mentioned, he seems to have accepted the fact that I don't love him. I can't go so far as to say it doesn't matter to him… I just think he's resigned himself to it already.

Begging and pleading is pointless as well.

I think my tears may have hurt him some. He hates it when I cry. But it did not make him let me go.

I won't bother any more with stroking his ego. I did a little bit of that a few days ago when I marveled over some of his creations--which, actually, are all brilliant. But that only seemed to encourage him--the exact opposite of the effect I was looking for--so I put a stop to that right away.

I also wouldn't bother with teasing or playing with him, nor would I try to annoy him into sending me away. He is not the type of man who could be provoked into doing what I want. No, I expect that would only make things worse.

I thought to humiliate him, and infuriate him when I took away his mask. You see how well that turned out.

Actually, I had originally thought that unmasking him was my biggest blunder. But, in the end, it gave me what I needed to read the unreadable man.

Softness. That is what he will respond to. I could see it in the way he let me comfort him. Gentleness is how I can master him.

That is what disturbs me so.

For me to manipulate him this way… it means giving him hope that I don't intend to follow up on. It means gaining his trust and toying with his heart.

Am I so selfish that I would further crush an already broken man just to get what I want? Then again, maybe he deserves it. After all, wasn't it equally selfish of him to take me away from the world so he could keep me to himself?

How bad would it be to stay here? I have no friends. Raoul is gone. Nobody at the opera likes me and, when I sing… well, not long ago I told Erik's disembodied voice that I sang only for him. I did not think much of it at the time, but it is true. Even when all of Paris is watching me, I am only wondering if my teacher approves. So, I have nothing to lose. I have nowhere else to be, nothing better to do. Why not sacrifice my miserable life for someone else's happiness… even if that someone else is likely Evil Incarnate? It would be a noble gesture, at any rate.

I should not think thoughts like this. When I do I realize that I have begun to despair so much that I no longer care what happens to me. Is this what depression feels like?

I would miss Mamma Valerius, though. Oh how I wish I could speak to her! Could she even help me still? Or is she too far gone with angels and fantasies? Why did Father have to leave me? I really need him right now.

So here I am, with the key to my freedom, wondering if it is worth the cost. If only there was another way to control him... I wish there was another way! I want so badly to leave this place… to leave him. But, when all this is said and done, will I be able to look at myself in the mirror knowing I betrayed another this way?

That is the decision I must come to terms with.

Truly,

Christine