Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera.

Author's Note: If you are like me, you are probably hating Christine right now. But, she's a broken person just like Erik is (only different). Not to mention, if you remember, in the book she confesses to lying a lot to Erik as the price of her freedom. Poor guy. Anyway, she'll get what's coming to her... It'll all work out eventually, I promise. I appreciate your reviews.


Dear Journal,

Our little outing complicated matters.

"Christine?" Erik called out. He was nervous and impatient all morning. Why did I offer to take her out? What was I thinking? After their pleasant evening together, Erik thought that maybe Christine was warming up to him. He knew he couldn't keep her underground forever, though he was sorely tempted. However, he wasn't quite ready to send her back up and trust her to return to him. This excursion would be an acceptable balance and an excellent test of Christine's intentions. Yes… yes it is the only reasonable compromise. It is a perfect solution… he kept telling himself. However, it did nothing to ease his anxiety.

"I'm ready, Erik" she answered cheerily, practically skipping out of her room to greet him.

"You're awfully excited…" he said, eyes narrowing. "Does the thought of leaving here please you so much?"

Christine paled but recovered almost immediately. "No, silly! I'm excited to finally go outside with you. Just think," she sighed wistfully, "you and me, taking a nice relaxing ride in the sunshine. Plus, I get to see Mamma Valerius… what's not to be pleased about?"

The answer seemed to appease the masked man because he nodded curtly in acknowledgment and offered his arm to the young woman. She took it without hesitation as she had last time, ignoring the chill that accompanied the physical contact. Erik decided that, if he lived to be a thousand, he would never get used to the feeling of having a beautiful woman on his arm. Christine tried not to cringe at the look of absolute joy in those blazing eyes.

We went to see Mamma. I had not expected Raoul to be there.

"Madame Valerius, is what you are saying true? Is Christine engaged to someone?"

"No, no, dear, that is not what I said at all. Christine is not engaged to any man. What I said was that she is not free to be pursued."

"Why ever not, then?" asked a red-faced Raoul. He was getting frustrated with Mamma's broken logic and circular reasoning. He had been pressing the old woman for information off and on for days now and was no closer to finding Christine than he was to begin with.

"Because, dear boy, the Angel forbids it." she said simply, a contented smile etched across her wrinkled face.

"The Angel…" he repeated, rocking his head in his hands. They were not getting anywhere.

"Madame," he said, standing abruptly, "I think I am in need of some fresh air. I am going to take a walk. I do have some additional questions, would you mind if I met you for tea in a few hours?"

"Of course, dear boy, I am always happy to have visitors. I don't have visitors for tea very much anymore… my Christine used to come by nearly every day but I haven't seen her recently. Do you know where my Christine is?" she asked hopefully

Raoul released a frustrated grunt and left the flat.

What was I supposed to do? I had assumed Raoul would have taken my rejection and moved on. I thought I'd never see him again. So, when I spoke with Mamma and she told me Raoul was looking for me, I didn't know what to make of it.

"Mamma? Mamma it's Christine, are you up?"

"Oh Christine! I am so happy to see you!" the white haired woman exclaimed warmly, her forget-me-not eyes sparkling with excitement. The younger woman embraced her surrogate mother and they chatted together happily. It wasn't until Mamma brought up the Angel of Music that Christine became very serious.

"And how is your good genius?"

"He is fine, Mamma. You needn't worry about me."

"Well, I am not. He has taken such good care of you."

"Yes, Mamma," she replied solemnly

Mamma put her finger to her lips in thought. "You know who is worried about you?" she mused, "That little friend of yours… what was his name… you two used to play together…"

Christine felt like she was going to be ill. "Raoul?" she asked, carefully

"Yes! Raoul, that's him! He comes by asking for you almost every day."

I realize that I need to deal with Raoul's persistence. Dear Raoul! My heart breaks just to think his name. Maybe it's because I miss him, maybe it's because of my current situation… I don't know, but I find myself more in love with him each day I am down here. He is so… normal. He represents everything I always wanted my life to be. Whereas Erik--No, I'm not even going to think about that right now.

I love Raoul too much to bring him into this mess. I could never live with myself if I knew Erik had killed him because of me. However, I think that Raoul will not stop looking for me until I have a chance to speak with him.

I know that my Raoul is a true gentleman at heart. If he believes that I am interested in another man, he will back off out of respect for me. So, I will just have to speak with him and convince him that I am truly not interested.

But how do I get word to him without upsetting Erik?

Suddenly, I remembered the annual masked ball held at the Opera this time of year. As luck would have it, it is only a few days away.

I decided to write a note to leave with Mamma for Raoul in case he returned.

"There, that should do it. And you will get this to Raoul?" Christine asked. She hoped that she had been careful enough in her letter. She intended to keep Raoul and Erik far away from each other that evening, but she would need Raoul's cooperation.

"Of course, my dear. I'll get it to him today, even." Mamma smiled. Christine wrung her hands nervously. She had not planned for any of this and it was taking some quick course corrections in her scheme to make it all work.

"What do you mean, today? Is Raoul coming here today?"

"Yes he is. As a matter of fact, he should be here any moment."

Christine's eyes grew wide. "Mamma!" she shouted, feeling somewhat lightheaded. "Why didn't you tell me? Oh, what have I done? I must leave! I must go right now! Goodbye, Mamma."

He did return. Sooner than I thought.

At a hurried pace, though still trying to look natural, Christine made her way down the brick path, toward the big black carriage where Erik was to be waiting for her.

Just then, Raoul turned the corner and, recognizing Christine immediately, called out to her.

"Christine!" She turned around briefly and, seeing who it was, quickened her stride.

"Christine!" He shouted again. She began to run. Damn it, Raoul! You are going to get us both killed!

As she approached the carriage, she saw the door swing open for her and the horses stamping impatiently. Oh, what have I done? This was not my fault… how can I make him see that? her mind raced, trying to think of what to say to the masked man.

I had to do some quick thinking to explain it all to Erik. Oddly enough, if I had simply told the truth (minus the part about the letter, of course), I doubt that he would have believed me.

Erik had heard the commotion from the carriage and saw Christine running towards him with the viscomte close behind her.

When he pulled her into the cab, the horses took off at a run.

"What is the meaning of this?" he growled, angry golden eyes flashing in the darkness.

She took a few seconds, wanting to catch her breath. Erik's eyes narrowed in irritation. "Well?" he demanded.

Christine fixed her frantic gaze to Erik's intense one. She forced herself to keep eye contact with him and not so much as glance over her shoulder to see if the viscomte was still following.

"Raoul…" she said hoarsely, breathlessly… and then collapsed into Erik's shoulder in tears.

I find it disconcerting that I have built up this world with Erik and myself in that lies are more believable than the truth.

The masked man tensed. "What's wrong, my dear?" he sneered, pulling back to look into her tear-stained face. "Are you missing your lover? Do you cry because it is his arms you long for? Do you--"

I don't know exactly why I said everything I did. I was so frantic, near hysterical. My emotions were so raw that, as I was speaking, I couldn't tell what was the truth and what was not. I just cried and said whatever came to mind.

She shook her head, scowling, and cut him off as if he had never spoken in the first place. "Oh Erik!" she cried, "I was having such a wonderful day… I didn't know he would show up…"

Erik found his anger dissipate slightly at her disdainful tone. He searched Christine's face, trying to ascertain if what she was saying was the truth, but she was more or less unreadable.

I thought, perhaps, if I was as irate about the situation as he was, he might believe that I am blameless in this.

"Erik… how could I have been such a fool?" she moaned, rocking her head back and forth in a gesture of unbearable stress "I didn't want to see him today… I swear it… please believe me… Oh Erik! I should have listened to you in the beginning. I should have never spoken to him when I saw him at the Opera. Why did I ever think I could like him? I should have known he was interested in me. I should have known he wouldn't quit… that he wouldn't go away… Erik… Erik…. I am so stupid! Can you ever forgive me?"

It was certainly not my intention to blame Raoul for anything. On the contrary, I would much prefer if Erik stayed far away from Raoul. However, currently it is in my best interest if he still trusts me. That is the only way I'll be able to help Raoul.

As she continued to rant, Erik considered what she was saying. She was running away from him… he thought, she was running towards you. She has tried to obey you. That means something right? Maybe she really does not have feelings for the boy… Think of your time together, the way she has treated you… that must stand for something. No, it is not her fault she is an angel. It is not her fault that every man on earth would want her. But not every man can have her. No, she belongs to you. The boy must be dealt with…

"Christine, shhhh, Christine," he soothed. He cupped her face between his hands and wiped away her tears and brushed back the hair that had fallen in her face.

"You are not stupid, my dear. Of course this is not your fault. Sometimes you are just too innocent for your own good," he chuckled.

"I am so, so sorry…" she whispered. Oh Erik, I truly am sorry! Raoul, I am sorry! How did this happen to me?

"There is nothing to be sorry for, child. You were right to tell me about him. Dear Christine, you are truly an angel."

Not all of the conversation was a lie. I'm sure of that much at least. Actually, for a short time, I found myself speaking as freely to him as I had back when he was simply The Voice.

She sighed and allowed him to comfort her. They sat in silence for a while, neither knowing what to say next. Suddenly a thought came to Erik. He had wondered ever since he came home to find Christine's door unlocked but had yet to ask. He figured now was as good a time as any.

"Christine?"

"Mmm?"

"How did you learn how to pick a lock?"

She blushed and looked away. "Are you very angry about that?" she asked sheepishly.

"No, not at all," he assured her, "I was just… surprised. That is not a skill you see often in proper young ladies."

"Oh," she said, her face flushing an even deeper scarlet, "well, I suppose you can thank my father for that. He was the most wonderful and most forgetful man I have ever known. He locked himself out of anything and everything. On more than a few occasions, he would lock his violin case only to lose the keys just before a concert. When I was a little girl, I learned how to pick a lock with a hairpin. It saved us both some time and hassle" Her voice was distant, filled with fondness and affection. Erik wondered if there would ever be a time when she would speak of him that way.

"It sounds like you loved him very much," he mused absently.

"I did." she murmured. He saw a dark shadow pass through Christine's eyes and realized that he might have gone to far by bringing her father up. She stared ahead at nothing in particular. Her eyebrows knitted together in thought and she continued to speak.

"I still think of him every day. When he died, I thought… This is it. This is the end. I didn't think I had any reason to continue. When my mother had died, at least she didn't leave me alone. I had my father and we could share some of the hurt together. Then… when my father died, I had no one… especially after Raoul left… well, I had Mamma Valerius, which isn't the same… but at least I was not completely on my own. Now Mamma is sick. Erik, she is not doing well at all. Sometimes I feel like the universe wants me to be alone. Why does everyone I love leave me?"

Erik looked down at her, feeling a familiar ache in his chest. I feel like that too, Christine…

"I will not leave you, Christine." he whispered.

She sighed and leaned into him again. This time he responded by putting an arm around her shoulder and drawing her close. She didn't resist him but, rather, laid her head down on his chest.

"I know you won't," she sighed, believing it, but not sure how she felt about it.

After a few minutes, the tension created by the raw emotion in the air had mostly dissolved. For Erik, it was replaced with thought. For Christine, exhaustion. She dozed off, unconsciously snuggling into him, feeling oddly comfortable asleep in his arms.

And so, as I said, things are complicated. I am in love with Raoul. I need to protect him at all costs. But he seems determined to make it difficult for me.

Raoul yelled Christine's name into the street until the mysterious carriage was nothing more than a black dot in the distance.

He stamped his foot, ground his teeth, tore at his hair, cursing all women. I have been an idiot! Allowing that woman to lead me on… only to run off with someone else right in front of me. Doesn't she see how I suffer? Raoul, how that little fairy of the North as trifled with you! She, who always blushed and giggled and looked so innocent… just to run off with some mysterious lover.

Raoul hated women. He detested Christine. He had fallen in love with an angel and now despised a woman. He despised her even worse because of the fact that he still loved her.

The world looked greyer to Raoul. He had grown bitter and cynical in the last few months. Christine had worked her way into his heart and then crushed it in her little hands. Raoul was only twenty, and yet he was ready to die.

On impulse, he continued on back to Madame Valerius' house. At least he'd have a warm place to wait until his carriage returned to take him home. When he came in, he saw a letter waiting for him on the table.

Dearest Raoul:

I will be at the masked ball on the night after tomorrow. Plan on meeting me there. Do not tell anyone of this appointment. Where a white domino and, if you love me, do not let yourself be recognized.

-Christine

Suddenly, he was filled with a new sense of energy. He hurried out, deciding to walk home and stop by the costume shop on the way. She loves me! She loves me! She loves me!

I think I have it all figured out. The game has gotten slightly more difficult, but I shall just have to adjust. I can handle this. Although, now I need to convince Erik to let me go to the ball. I suppose I should have thought that through a little better… but I didn't really have a lot of time to consider everything. The day came at me fast and hard. Okay, first things first. I'll convince Erik to let me attend the masked ball. Then I'll meet Raoul and explain to him that I cannot see him.

This can work. I know it. It has to.

Christine