Later, as he was walking towards the startgate, he was talking with Teyla and Ronnon and therefore didn't see Sheppard turn sh

Sheppard isn't due for about an hour and while she sits at her desk she tries to read reports but she can't concentrate. In the end she gives up. As she waits for Sheppard, she thinks the same thoughts that had been drifting through her mind since she left the debriefing that morning and the thoughts that had been haunting her dreams for the last week, ever since they had found that planet.

How come she had never heard about Rodney's dislike of children, but then didn't she presume the same before she knew different. It's so sad that you lost that magic, I'm so sorry I stole that too, Rodney. What else did I take from you? I wonder about the headaches too, is that down to me as well?

She realised that Sheppard was due in her office anytime in the next twenty minutes and she thinks how she is going to tell Sheppard, how much she is going to tell Sheppard. She watches the time tick by, dread building in her. He's really protective of Rodney, originally I was pleased to see that, but now I don't know if he will understand? Can I keep my emotions, can I keep my secret?

--

She looked up at Sheppard as he entered her office.

"You wanted to see me before I left," he said as he took a seat. This can't be good. She looks really troubled he thinks curiously.

She leant forward, swallowed hard and looked up to lock eyes with him. "What I am about to tell you is only known to myself, General Landry and Doctor Jackson. I have thought long and hard about what to tell you here today and I have decided that, in Rodney's best interest, I will tell you everything, I hope that trust and judgement is not misplaced."

Rodney?? What the hell has he done now? He schooled his features and looked at her, "If it's in Rodney's best interests then it is not misplaced."

She nodded and after a barely perceptible hesitation she continued. She told him about the other planet, about the mission. She smiled a bittersweet smile, seemingly without realising, as she told him how Rodney was with the children. As she talked her eyes developed a distant saddened look, obviously caught up for a moment in some image of long ago.

As Sheppard listened he wondered, and not for the first time, whether Rodney was being stupidly optimistic or unusually insightful when he implied that Sam had feelings for him and decided he still couldn't be sure if it was simple fondness or more. She said she was talking about Rodney but the man she's describing, that's not Rodney. I don't think even mind control could make him behave like that.

"This is our Rodney, right? I don't think so," Sheppard said with a disbelieving laugh, "I've seen him with children, he hates them and don't ask me why. I've asked but I don't think even he knows why, he just does."

"I wish I had known that. If I had known then maybe I would have guessed something was wrong and I would have made sure he wasn't detailed to this planet. But yes he has changed, because of what happened on that mission, he has changed" she suddenly looked so sad and remorseful that Sheppard was suddenly nervous of what would follow.

He listened shocked as she told of how, when she returned from the stargate, she found him amongst the dead children. Told how Rodney was crying uncontrollably in grief and blaming him self for everything. She looked up, tears brimming in her eyes. He figured she was seeing that moment again and to see such emotion in her face gave him an inkling of how traumatic it must have been. "He was unreachable, I've never heard grief expressed like that, I've never heard such an inhuman noise like that" and she fell quiet for a moment as she relived it in her mind.

As Sheppard sat shocked, full of sympathy and empathic pain for Rodney, not trusting himself to speak as he too saw Rodney in his minds eye grief uncontrolled.

How can he never have told me that but then think of the things I've never told him. How can I never have understood or seen something in his eyes that said he had a reason not to like the company of children? Guilt stepped in as he remembered all the times he orchestrated Rodney to be with children, to put him through unknown torment for what he thought at the time was just for a laugh. I'm so sorry I hurt you like that, why did you never tell me damn you! How did he ever get over that? No wonder he didn't want to go to the planet.

She must be about to explain how to tell him he doesn't have to go without telling him I know, why didn't she just say no this morning? He listened as Sam continued in sad quiet words, it almost sounded like a eulogy.

"He had thought he was shutting down the inhibitor but it had a safeguard against that and it sent out a signal that shut down different systems in the children. They died different ways, some only looked as if they had had a nosebleed, but every one of them died in minutes of the signal. We found out later, when we discovered the library, that it wasn't the children's ancestor's who had developed the machine as we had been told but Nirrti, but Rodney couldn't forgive himself you see. He couldn't live with himself."

She looked down at her hands. "We stopped him three times but we couldn't watch him forever. Nothing any of us said could reach him and I couldn't convince him that I would have done the same." Stopped him? Stopped him from what? No, she can't mean that, but Sheppard knew she did and suddenly he didn't want to hear any more, he wanted to run. He shouldn't know this, this was Rodney's innermost secret and if he knew it, it should be because Rodney told him. He shouldn't know; this was to dark, to intimate to be told by someone else.

Cold shock hit him and suddenly Sheppard needed to see Rodney, as panic started to build, he had to know he was okay. He spun to the window to look down to the gate room and saw him smiling and talking to Teyla and this normal scene suddenly seemed so surreal after the things Sam had told him.

He knew Rodney and knew he would feel guilt and pain over one adult's death, even if that adult knew what he was getting into and was prepared to take the risk. He could only imagine the depth of pain and guilt Rodney must have felt at the time.

Guilt consumes this man, how did he deal with that? Did Sam help him through it? He felt her hand on his shoulder and realised she had come round the desk and now stood beside him, he turned to her.

"There's more. So…." she hesitated as guilt filled her face and she bit her bottom lip, "So, using the Goa'uld hand device, I took the memory from him. He doesn't remember the mission, he doesn't remember us," she paused for half a millisecond, "working together and he doesn't remember the children. He knows nothing of this, nothing of the things I've told you." She paused, looking down at her hands wringing in her lap. So that's why I never saw it in his eyes but it still didn't lessen the guilt he felt.

"You can do that? Take a specific memory away? How? I mean is that even possible, well of course it is, you did it. And he has no idea??" Sheppard said disbelieving.

He was in two minds. On the one hand he hated people messing with his mind and knew damn well that Rodney felt the same on that score. On the other hand there were some things in his past he would sooner forget but he knew without a doubt given the choice he would say no and he knew given the choice so would Rodney and then realisation dawned. "You did this against his will didn't you? He would never have agreed to it," he accused, starting to feel the anger rising in him.

She nodded, clearly having trouble controlling her emotions now. "We secured him during the procedure." Then she looked up into Sheppard's face, "you have to understand, he was never going to be okay with this, there was no choice. I couldn't watch his guilt consume him not when there was another way. If I hadn't done this eventually we would have buried him, he wouldn't have come to Atlantis and everyone here would have died a hundred times over."

She took a deep shuddering breath and then continued in a quite voice, "I altered the mission report to exclude Rodney and never spoke of it again. The only people who know the truth of this are Me, Doctor Jackson and General Landry and now you. Not even O'Neill knows of this, Hell, not even Rodney knows about this."

She looked into Sheppard's shocked and anguished face. "It's a dangerous memory Sheppard and I need to know if he is okay or if he is remembering. I need you to watch him closely on this mission, to make sure it's not coming back"

"Then why the hell are you sending him," Sheppard said quietly, dangerously, his voice sounding stretched and the anguish and anger clear. "What if it does come back, you gonna edit his mind again," he spat with venomous sarcasm, "or you just gonna wait and hope for a miracle that Rodney won't be destroyed by guilt again? Please, tell me, what's your brilliant reason for sending him to the one place that is most likely to bring the memory back, because you can court martial me, but he ain't going!"

All the time his own thoughts were fuelling his anger, making it harder to maintain control. I can't make him relive that! I'm supposed to protect him for god's sake, not destroy him. How can you ask me to do that to him? You were SG1, I thought you of all people would understand. We look out for each other, we trust each other above all others and you ask me to do that, not only to betray him but to destroy him?

Sam snapped to standing position, body rigid. "Colonel Sheppard, I am your commanding officer and members of staff under my command will go where I see fit!" She said sternly, her eyes hard and then she sighed and held up a restraining hand. Her eyes softened and she started again in a lighter tone, resting back against the desk.

"I understand what you are saying but it's already starting, I think he may be remembering. I can't take the risk that it may surface any time because it may be in the middle of a wraith attack, when he's off world in the middle of a mission, when he's alone somewhere and we can't reach him or when he's injured and all he has to do is stop fighting to live." She took a deep breath, steadying herself, "I'm just as worried about the cantankerous ego that is Rodney McKay as you are and don't you ever think differently, and Colonel don't you ever challenge my authority again, is that clear?"

Sheppard had been listening to the words, but he had also been listening to the evident pain within them. She did care, to what degree he didn't know, but she was doing this for Rodney's benefit and she had made good points. He nodded, "I am sorry Colonel Carter, I overstepped the mark and I apologise," he said and then he nodded, "I know you care about him too." He attempted a grin but it fell a little short. "I won't tell him you do, if you don't tell him I do."

Sam gave a tight half smile, still seriously affected by her emotions. "That's a deal I will hold you to, Colonel," and then she continued.

"The memory is dangerous to Rodney, he couldn't live with himself last time and I don't see that anything has changed. I need you to watch him. If you don't see anything unusual or odd, then we will know its buried deep and most likely okay for the rest of his life. But if you see anything out of place or character then we need to watch him closely. I want to know that memory is buried deep enough so it doesn't ever resurface" Sam locked eyes with Sheppard. "Keep a close watch," she looked back down into her lap.

She continued quietly, "I think that's why children make him uncomfortable because on a subconscious level he remembers and I think it hurts on a level he can't sense," She locked eyes with Sheppard, "Keep a close watch, keep him safe"

Sheppard nodded. "I will take him and I will watch him, but the first sign of trouble and I'm bringing him back," His eyes suddenly like flint. Please be okay, please be okay. What if he's not, can I stop him when Sam couldn't?

Sam nodded. "Okay". Sheppard left the office. Squashing down emotions before he reached Rodney, but still not able to look him in the eye he couldn't stop the thoughts. What if he is okay, how do I deal knowing this and knowing that he doesn't, will there ever be a time when I can risk telling him? What if he remembers later and finds out I knew all along, will he understand why I betrayed him? If I'm doing the right thing, then why do I feel so guilty? Why can't I look him in the eye?