He remembers, he remembers it all. The stillness, the quiet! It's unbearable, where is the laughter now! He looks down at Miarda. Sweet Miarda, so still. He can perform miracles but he can't bring her back and the pain, it hurts so much. Desperately he pulls her to his heart, maybe, just maybe if she can feel his heart beating hers will answer, but her body remains lifeless against him, empty. He throws his head back and releases the pain, so much pain, too much to release. So much still embraces him, still holds on to him. He is unable to stop the tears flowing down his cheeks, his vision blurs and he tries to blink away the tears to clear it. He must see Miarda, he wants to see her.
He feels his heart clench with the pain and he thinks his heart will stop but it doesn't. Why won't it stop? Please just stop. He looks around him at the death he has caused. There are so many. He looks into their eye's and sees the accusation there. You still live, why does your heart still beat, you who killed us? Suddenly he knows what he must do. The pain is there to guide him, to show him, the only way to stop the pain is to make amends. He feels himself moving, someone is leading him away from the children, are they going to help him make amends? He follows blindly, caught up in his own grief, he looks into the face of every child he passes and he promises. I will make amends, I will even the balance. I will die too. And in his grief stricken state he imagines that they agree to the bargain.
Rodney wakes from his dream, but now he knows it was no dream, but a memory.
He sits up slowly and swings his legs over the side of the bed. He raises a hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks and he sits and looks at his damp hand, seeing and not seeing. He remembers everything he did and he also remembers why he forgot for so long. He remembers Sam with the Goa'uld hand device. She had been so sad, she hadn't understood, she hadn't heard the children's final demand and he hadn't been able to get her to understand. He feels the familiar pain embrace him again and settle into the familiar corners and crevices of his mind, reminding him of his promise, guiding him again.
It was early morning now. It had been mid morning then. He decided he would die at the same time he had killed them all. That would be fitting. He got dressed and he started out towards the North tower. He would climb and then he would wait until the time was right.
He was calm, knowing at last that today he would be able to make amends and today he would be able to stop the pain. He was sad that Kate was off world, he would have liked to thank her for their time together before he went but it wasn't to be, she would be thankful that he did this when she found out what he had done.
------
--
Sheppard woke, dressed and showered. He was relaxed and peaceful. He thought it was all over, he thought Rodney was safe. He had no idea that today would be one of the most painfud days of hic life. He even had a spring in his step as he went to get Rodney for breakfast.
--
Sam woke early. She lay there till early morning thinking of Rodney and hoping today was another day that he didn't remember. I will remember always my love. It hurts so much but I will not break my promise. In the quiet stillness of her own rooms where no-one could hear her she murmured, "I love you Rodney McKay," and then she wipes the tears from her eyes as she gets up, showers and dresses. She leaves for her office and she doesn't know that the pain she is feeling is nothing to the heartache that will follow.
--
Sheppard knocked on Rodney's door. "Rodney? Rodney?"
No Answer.
Sheppard stood outside for a moment, unsure how to proceed. Normally he would just go to the Mess and wait for Rodney to turn up there but he was still a little hesitant to let the little guy out of his sight.
He started out towards the Mess and at the same time, just to still the niggling in the back of his mind, he radioed the control centre. "This is Colonel Sheppard can you tell me where Dr McKay is?"
Whoever was on duty replied, "One moment Colonel," and then there was a pause while they checked the system. Then came the reply, "Top of the North Tower," and Sheppard stopped dead in his tracks. "Who is with him?" he asked hesitantly, but he knew the answer and he had already started running as he heard the reply. "No-one Sir, he's all alone."
He pulled his radio to his mouth as he ran, "Contact Colonel Carter, tell her our conversation and tell her to meet me there, Sheppard out," and then he dropped his hand and put every effort, every muscle into getting to Rodney as fast as he could. Please, let me be in time, please don't let him remember, please, please don't let him remember. He saw Teyla walking towards him along the corridor, looking at him curiously. He pointed at her to get her attention, "Teyla, you're with me, now!"
She fell effortlessly in step with him, matching his speed. "What is wrong Colonel Sheppard?" she asked in her calm, dulcet tones. What do I say, what if he's just enjoying the view….from the top of the North Tower!! Not while they are still serving breakfast. Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong, I know it.
I can't think of any other reason why he would be there and I need Teyla to be prepared. "Rodney maybe trying to harm himself, his reason's are personal and I don't want to go into them. I maybe wrong and if I am please never mention this again but I can't take the risk. If I'm right, we need to reach him fast."
They reached the stairs and started bounding up two or three at a time, side by side. Teyla didn't say a word but he could tell by her face and the turn of speed she gave that she was as anxious to reach Rodney as he was.
They came out into the main room and found it empty. He pulled his radio to his mouth and spoke. After all he had nothing to lose, "Rodney? Come in Rodney." His head lifted up sharply at Rodney's voice coming from the far balcony. Sheppard put a restraining hand on Teyla and tore across the room and through the door. Rodney stood at the far end of the balcony. His face was calm and he even gave a smile as he said, "Morning, John". What the hell is going on! Okay, calmly, take it slowly. He's alive so we've still got time.
"Hi Rodney, what you doing way up here," Sheppard asked tentatively as he edged towards Rodney, he was halfway along the balcony now.
"I think that's far enough, John," Rodney said, pointing to Sheppard's feet. "I've been standing here thinking about the last few days and I've realised," then he looked up into Sheppard's face, "you know don't you. You know about the Children…." and then he took a deep breath that seemed to rake through his body, "the children that I killed," his voice breaking slightly.
Sheppard nodded, unable to speak and unsure of what to say as he watched tears start to stream down Rodney's face but Rodney didn't bother to raise a hand to clear them away, he just let them fall. Oh Rodney, What have I done? Please forgive me, Rodney, I thought it was for the best, I really did. Oh God, please let me in Rodney, don't shut me out, not now, not today.
Sheppard could hear his heart breaking as Rodney said, "I killed them all, John, not one survived me. I agreed to the bargain and I'm here to keep my promise," his voice trembling with emotion.
"What promise is that, Rodney," his voice thick and heavy with emotion as his heart clenched in pain.
Rodney raised his eyes to meet Sheppard's. "To Die, I have to even the balance, John," he said as if he couldn't understand why Sheppard could not see what should be so obvious. It should have been his voice that scared Sheppard, listening to someone say they were going to die without emotion in their voice but it was the eyes that scared him the most. Sheppard found himself looking into the eyes of a man on the edge of insanity, a broken man. He had lost Rodney. Oh God, I'm so sorry I failed you Rodney. I was supposed to protect you. I should never have taken you there. Sheppard didn't know what to do. For the first time, he didn't have clue.
He could block out everything, except Rodney in pain. It always cut through his defences, and it made Sheppard unable to distance himself, to think dispassionately. He had always figured it was because he had put Rodney on the team. Ronon and Teyla were raised as warriors, like him, they were trained to fight. Rodney had not and that made him braver than any of them and they all felt the need to protect him above all.
He looked into the pain of Rodney's eyes and he knew he was seeing the man that Sam had described but then he noticed something deep in his eyes, something he didn't think even Rodney could sense in himself on a conscious level. Sheppard saw a plea, buried deep in his eyes was a message for Sheppard, "Rescue me please rescue me."
Then he realised how strange it was that Rodney had his radio with him, considering his intentions and he knew on a subconscious level that he wanted to be saved. It gave him the confidence that they hadn't lost him yet, that they still had a chance and he grabbed it with both hands and clung to it like a drowning man.
He stepped forwards, "You can't go yet, Rodney, Atlantis needs you. We need you."
When he mentioned Atlantis Rodney turned to look at him. Yes, you love this city don't you? "We won't survive without you, Rodney, Atlantis will fall without you," he said slowly, carefully, gauging every reaction.
Rodney's brow furrowed as he looked at Sheppard. "I have to even the balance, I have to make amends, I promised," he said sadly and Sheppard could see that spec of sanity start to grow. There was still a part of Rodney that struggled to survive against his guilt. He wasn't lost to them, not completely.
"You don't have to do it now, you can do that later," Sheppard said slowly, trying to sound as casual as he could when he was talking about Rodney dying. "Think of the people who would have died without you here."
"I couldn't save Grodin," he said regrettably. "People die around me and I can't do anything but I can make amends for this at least." Damn you Rodney, not while I have breath in my body.
"Grodin died to save Atlantis. Every time you save Atlantis you make his death worth something, if Atlantis falls then he died for nothing. You saved it from the Wraith, from the Replicators, from Koyla. You did that Rodney and every time you save Atlantis you make those who died for it worth something. Don't you see, Rodney, saving Atlantis and everyone in her, it evens out." Sheppard didn't know where the words were coming from but using Rodney's idea of balance he could see he was starting to get through to him. He was hesitating, starting to question his promise. He was looking out over the ocean, contemplating. Please listen to me Rodney. I need you to be okay, I need to know I didn't do this to you, that I did not destroy you. Help me Rodney, damn you, hear me!
"Carson," Rodney said. So quietly that Sheppard almost didn't hear him and when he did his heart ached."Nothing balances out Carson, I could save every person in this galaxy a hundred times over and Atlantis could stand till the end of time and it still wouldn't balance against Carson." No, not Carson, Not now, why now?
"You blame yourself for Carson?" Sheppard asked incredulously, and he saw the spec of sanity start to dim. He watched Rodney start to retreat into himself. He was losing him.
"I should have gone to the station myself but I wanted to spend the day with Kate. If I had gone or if I had taken Carson out of the city like I promised," Rodney looked back towards Sheppard, shrouded in pain and guilt. "I lied to him, John. The last words I spoke to him when he was alive were lies," and he shook his head in disbelieve and shame.
Sheppard could only stand and watch as he lost Rodney. Then something occurred to him.
"Then make amends before you die, even the balance for Carson," he said to Rodney, trying to convince him.
"How?" Rodney turned his body towards Sheppard and even took a half step towards him, desperate to understand, desperate to appease the pain inside.
"Carson wanted to save everyone. Didn't he die saving a single life? Carry on his work Rodney. Stay here and save us, just as Carson would have wanted," Sheppard said as hope flared. Rodney was thinking about it and Sheppard held his breath. If it worked, it would be poetic justice that even after he died it was Carson who had been able to save Rodney, one last time.
Cold started to seep into Sheppard as he realised that Rodney was shaking his head and then he looked at Sheppard with tears in his eyes and as the first tear fell he spoke. "I can't, the pain, John. It wraps around my heart, it covers every thought. I wouldn't be able to work, to think. I would fail everyone and I would fail Carson. I would fail you."
Sheppard had never heard Rodney talk so open about his feelings, except for when he had asked him to let the wraith feed on him for Jeanie. To hear him admit to that much pain cut into his heart. Fail me? Never Rodney, you could never fail me, you surprise me every day.
Teyla came and stood next to John and she slipped a hand into his and wrapped a hand around his elbow. "There is a way," she said quietly. Sheppard felt stronger, more centred with Teyla connected to him.
Rodney seemed transfixed by her hands. "Miarda," he whispered brokenly. Wasn't that the little girl's name? Does Teyla remind him of her, will that go for or against us.
Teyla leaned forward slightly and Rodney looked up into her face. "There is another way Rodney McKay," Sheppard wanted to look at her and ask her to explain quickly before they lost him again, but he couldn't take his eyes off Rodney. He was terrified that if he looked away, even for a second, that they would lose him. He listened as she continued.
"I know a woman that can take grief away, you will remember nothing," Teyla said and fell silent, watching Rodney, waiting for a response.
Like last time, Sheppard thought, that had lasted five years and only because of this planet, if not who knows. "You can make amends for Carson," he said.
"What about the children?" Rodney asked. "For the sake of the children I have to make amends."
"When you're work here is finished we will remind you of everything and then you can fulfil your promise," Sheppard said, keeping the panic out of his voice.
Rodney looked at him with his face completely blank, for the first in years Sheppard could not read him. "You wouldn't do that," he said. No accusation, no disbelief, no emotion at all.
Sheppard walked over to Rodney and looked him in the eye. "I need you here, now, and I will make any promise I have to if it means that. I will help you make amends, I promise," and Sheppard meant it. Mentally he would help Rodney make amends. He would never allow him to die. I will make you see you're a good man, a man I'm proud to call my friend. Give me a chance to make amends too Rodney.
Rodney looked into his eyes and saw nothing there that betrayed Sheppard.
"You would help me," Rodney asked and this time Sheppard heard a pleading note to the question.
"I would," Sheppard said simply, watching Rodney return to him. He saw him heave a huge sigh of relief.
"I would like that," Rodney said, "I don't want to be alone when I die." Sheppard's heart broke again with those words and it took all his control to contain his emotions as he asked quietly, "So, will you stay with us?"
Sheppard watched and waited.
