Rodney nodded and Sheppard had trouble containing the euphoria that exploded in him and he couldn't stop a relieved and broken gasp from escaping. Thank you Rodney, I will never betray you again I swear it.
They walked back into the main room of the tower just as Sam came running in, coming to stop in the doorway. She stood and stared at Rodney and there was fear in her eyes.
Quietly, Sheppard told her. "Teyla knows someone who can take the memory away again, until Rodney has completed his work here. Rodney is willing to do this." He knew she had heard him but she didn't acknowledge him.
She remained locked on Rodney who was looking at Sam with a furrowed brow.
--
He looked at her and something niggled and gnawed at his memory and then suddenly he remembered and his senses exploded as he remembered how soft her lips had felt against his, how they tasted. He remembered how smooth her skin felt under his fingers and how they had tingled as he had ran his fingertips over the shapes and curves of her perfect body. He remembered how he had opened him self up to her and given his heart to her and how she had rewarded him in return.
He walked over to her and ghosted his fingers down her cheek as she closed her eyes and released a sob as her eyes brimmed with tears that caught in her lashes. As the first one fell he asked her softly, "Why did you never tell me?"
He could see that she had to master her emotions before she could speak and he waited patiently, studying her face, watching every nuance as if seeing it anew. "Because they are both intertwined Rodney, with the memory of joy comes the memory of pain, you've just proved it, so I had to take both because I couldn't just watch you die".
His eyes never left her lips as she spoke. He ached to feel them, to taste them again but he couldn't. Kate had accepted him for who he was and he owed her something for that alone. His thumb ran over her lips gently as he said brokenly, "I'm with Kate now."
He saw her lips clamp together, to hold in her emotion as she nodded her head emphatically and then uttered, "I know," in a tortured voice.
He ran the backs of his fingers against her cheek. He wanted to remember, he didn't want to forget again. With joy comes pain, her words repeated inside head and he knew he had to forget. "I want you to know, you are always in my heart, even when I remembered nothing you were still there."
She relaxed into a deep sigh and then looked up into his face. "I remember for both of us and this memory will never fade. Know that while you can't remember it does not change the fact that you have my heart always," she said quietly cupping his cheek in her hand and using her thumb to dry his tears.
He nodded and pulled her towards him so that his lips rested on her forehead and he closed his eyes as he felt her smooth skin against his lips again and then they pulled back and they stood watching each other, his eyes passing over places his lips ached to touch.
Sheppard coughed.
--
Initially he had thought 'you dog' and had felt a kind big brotherly pride in Rodney, but he felt guilty of these coarse feelings when he saw how deep their emotions ran. Theirs was a pure love, a deep love that was beautiful to watch. There fascination of each other, their gentle touches and their words that came straight from the heart. Then he realised that Sam had sacrificed this for Rodney and his heart went out to her, he would never forget that sacrifice, from this day on she had his loyalty and his life.
He felt profoundly uncomfortable as they both turned to look at him but they had to move, there was always the chance that Rodney would change his mind and he wanted him to do this of his own freewill, it was very important to him that this be Rodney's choice.
"Teyla will stay with you Rodney, while me and Carter get everything prepared," he turned to Teyla, "can you tell us if there is anything specific we need."
"You will need a speaker who will speak of the memory," every one glanced at Sam who nodded and then returned her gaze to Rodney's face. Teyla continued, "and you will need a guardian to stand over him and protect him during the ceremony and any remaining people will stand as guards over everyone, I would like to accompany you."
Sheppard nodded. "Okay," he said, his mind already working. He indicated to Teyla and she led Rodney away.
Sam backed up to the wall, resting one foot flat against it, holding her arms around her waist, obviously in emotional agony as she watched Rodney disappear from view. Sheppard watched her in pain for Rodney and he felt for her. I want to comfort you Sam. I know now the sacrifice you made for him. You're part of the team now Sam and I wish I could be there for you but you're my commanding officer and I just don't know how to be there for you. I'm sorry. He swallowed down his emotion and spoke.
"I think we should keep the people who know to a minimum, like last time," he said. "I will go get Ronon and I think Radek should join us. He watches over Rodney with the rest of us and I trust him. We will all keep the secret and we will all watch him and keep him safe," and then he watched Sam, waiting for a response.
She brought her foot down and scuffed it along the floor, looking at her feet. "The whole secret?" she asked tentatively and looked up into his face.
"The only ones that know the whole secret were in this room today. I will speak to Teyla. We will keep the whole secret, he will never know from us," he said sadly. All Rodney ever wanted was someone to love him for who he was and when he found someone who did, fate stepped in and stole the memory from him. Sometimes, I wonder if he is cursed.
--
Sam nodded and pushed herself away from the wall and in a daze she followed beside Sheppard as they descended from the tower. As they made their way down he told her how he had convinced Rodney and what his plans were. She listened but all she could hear was Rodney's voice, you are always in my heart.
The pain was unbearable, it tore at her heart and grief lay heavy in her because she was going to lose him again. To relive it was hard enough, but to know that she would have to take those precious memories from him again in a few hours. To see the look in his eyes that spoke of their night together as they had travelled over her face and body and to know she would have to deny him those memories again. To know that I will be left alone again, that I will have to love you from afar again, that when my emotions get the better of me I will have to hang my head so you don't see the love in my eyes when I look at you. Rodney, it's almost too much to bear, it is too much to bear.
Ronon, Teyla, Radek, Sheppard and Sam were in the puddle jumper with Rodney. Sheppard had told Ronon and Radek of Rodney's pain and explained what they were about to do. They had both asked to join him before he had the chance to ask them. She had been watching him and she could tell that he had felt a fierce pride then and he had nodded his assent. She knew because she had felt it too.
She always felt it when her Rodney earned that level of friendship, when others saw what had taken her so long to see. All those wasted days, if I had seen it before we went to the planet, then we could have continued because the memory of our first time and the children would not be so irrevocably linked, but I failed to see him and I will pay for that forever.
Sam and Rodney sat together in the back of the jumper and everyone else sat in the cockpit, Radek next to Sheppard and Ronon behind him. Teyla stood in the door way, in effect cutting Sam and Rodney off from the rest of the crew and Sam silently thanked her as she sat next to Rodney running her fingers along his hands and fingers.
To be able to touch you again, like this, and feel your skin beneath my fingertips again. To be able to look at you freely and allow you to see that I love you is true freedom. This is paradise, right here sitting next to you with love in my face. My heart will break soon enough but here and now in this moment it lives again, for you Rodney.
The gate was dialled for the Nursery. They had told everyone that Rodney was showing Radek the systems to take over the teaching and Sam was coming to introduce herself to their leaders. Rodney's team, and it was Rodney's team that day, were there in case the wraith turned up.
When they reached the Nursery Teyla dialled the gate and Sheppard went through. She could tell that he was impatient to get there. She didn't think he liked having his back to Rodney because he wanted to see his face, to know that he was still with them. She knew how he felt and she kept gazing up into his face to look into his eyes just to make sure he was still with them and not with the Children.
When they exited the other side Teyla directed Sheppard. They landed near some caves. Sam moved slightly away from Rodney, the fewer that knew the whole secret the better. Teyla went to speak to Locti, the wise woman. They moved to the only tent in the area. Teyla introduced them to Locti, to the woman who would save Rodney. She was a grey haired crone but she smiled easily with crooked teeth. She looks like one of Shakespeare's witches thought Sam.
Locti pulled Rodney to stand at her side. "Who speaks for this man?" she intoned and Sam stepped forward. "I do," she said and Locti nodded.
"And who stands guardian over this man," She intoned and Sheppard and Ronon stepped forward together. Sam watched a brief smile play on Sheppard's lips as he looked at Ronon, locked eyes with him and said, "I do". Ronon nodded resignedly and stepped back.
"The remainder guard us all," she intoned and led the three of them inside the tent. There was a smoky atmosphere to the tent and cushions littered the floor over carpets. Locti led Rodney to a long mattress type cushion and indicated he lay down on it. He looked to Sheppard who nodded encouragement at him and Rodney allowed himself to be lowered to the mattress.
It hurt that he looked to Sheppard for reassurance but he had been there over the last four years, not her, so it had to be expected. It still hurt though.
He lay down with his hands across his stomach. McKay was starting to come back to himself. She was starting to see his self made protector, the man who shrouded her love, a little twitch here or a little wrist spasm there. He was getting nervous, starting to question himself again.
She felt hands on her and turned to find the old crone steering her to Rodney's left hand side and she made her sit on her knees at his left shoulder. She sat and watched as she steered Sheppard to his right shoulder and said to him, "You shall not move, you shall guard him and no other."
Then she started the chant, periodically gathering up herbs and plants from the table behind her and throwing pinches of them over Rodney. She was mesmerized at first and then turned her attention to Rodney and found him asleep. No, I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to see him look at me one last time with the memory still in him, I needed to see that one more time before I lost him forever. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she realised she was too late to say goodbye, that again, he was lost to her and she was alone again.
Locti spoke. "The secret keeper will tell her secrets," and then she nodded to Sam.
Sam began, she told Rodney of their night together. She told Rodney how she fell in love and how it felt when he touched her, how his eyes had locked onto her soul. She told him about the children, of his own pain and guilt. She repeated the things she had seen that tore at her heart, she told him everything that had happened and then she told him about today.
She told how he had returned to her and how it felt to feel his eyes on her again, to be able to look at him and show him her true feelings. How rich it felt not to have to hide something so beautiful. How he had agreed because of his love for Carson to forgo his promise to the children, that he had agreed to forget the pain and that he had agreed to forget their love.
Her voice broke many times in the telling and when she was done she looked up into Sheppard's face to see his eyes brimmed with tears and his lips quivering with emotion as he fought to retain control them and that alone broke her, tears started to fall and didn't stop. To know that Rodney still had someone who could show him he was liked, that he was loved meant more to her in this minute that anything else. I will be alone but you will never be alone again Rodney. She looked up at Locti through tearful eyes.
"Now the speaker will tell the false truth, tell the sleeper what they should remember," Locti intoned. Sam took a deep breath as the sobs racked her body, trying to gain control.
Eventually, she was able to speak again and then she leant in and she whispered the falsehood. Inside she talked to Rodney. I'm sorry, so, so sorry. I feel like I betrayed you again. I still retain the memory Rodney. I swore before and I swear again, I will never forget your touch, your kisses. I will never forget how it feels when you look at me that way. I will never forget that you love me and, a sob escapes her and she tries to regain her control again, and I will never forget that I am always in your heart as you are in mine.
