A Marauder's Cliche

Harry Potter Fanfiction Parody

Chapter Two

The doors of the Express burst open by the force of magic, and students flooded out into the railway station at Hogsmeade. The Marauders, Lily, Caroline, and I were lined up next to exit, and I held my breath. As soon as the fresh air hit my face, I could see the Hogwarts castle in all its glory.

Candlelight flooded from inside, outside, and around brick walls and towers. Low, misty clouds hung around the castle in the sky, surrounded by stars that sparkled nearly as bright as the waning silver moon. Dark mountains rolled in the skyline, untouched by any other light but the sleeping sun. The foliage surrounding the vast land was mostly in shadow, but I imagined they would shine a vibrant forest green in the hours of the day.

Now this is the good part, I thought, soaking the sights in. I was enchanted, charmed, thrilled to be viewing the castle every little kid who read Harry Potter had on their bucket list to visit.

"Gorgeous, isn't it?" Remus said, noticing that my rosy lips were agape. Oh, right, I was a new student, so it wasn't really weird for me to be staring in awe. "Most of us have been desensitized. Though, every once in a while, when I'm in Hogsmeade, I take a moment to let the gravity of its beauty really sink in."

"Aww, Moony, what a poetic, soft soul, you are," smirked Sirius playfully. He nudged James in the stomach lightly. James smacked Sirius square in the chest, grinning idiotically.

I smiled at Remus politely, who was glowering at his friends, understanding where he was coming from. I thought it was nice, even if he was just saying it to get in "Aria Shade's" pants, which I doubted, because from everything I read online, Remus was supposedly the sensitive one that you just wanted to be best friends with. James and Sirius had to go and ruin our cute little moment. Typical Marauder personification.

"Never mind him, Remus," Lily said, starting to walk toward carriages attached to—Oh, good Lord. Were those thestrals? They were hideous. They were plain ugly, most ghoulish; they were the strangest creatures I'd ever—

I felt my legs slowly move toward them. I tried to stop walking, but an imaginary force pushed me onward. "Oh," I said softly. "What are they?"

Thestrals, I wanted to say aloud. I already knew what they were. But apparently my character had no idea.

The author was going to make me touch them. Oh god. Of course I would have to pet a thestral. Of course the freaky half-vampire OC would be the one that finds half-horse, half-bat-looking thestrals unique and beautiful. "They're wonderful."

No. They most certainly are not. They looked like horses, if horses were severely underfed, had glowing eyes, creepy dark dragon faces, and had supernatural grace. And bat wings. Can't forget the irony in the vampire being attracted to the weird batty creatures.

"You can see them?" said Lily excitedly. When she realized why I could see them, she spoke again with less enthusiasm. "I mean, I'm sorry. Who did you see… Er—when did that…"

I stopped her, not wanting her to made the situation awkward for everyone. The following words leaked from my mouth robotically. "My Father. He was human. Well, wizard. Half-blood. My Mom accidentally—" I didn't finish. My character refrained from saying "killed him" aloud. I wanted to roll my eyes, but tensions were high, and the author didn't want me to.

"Oh," said Lily, embarrassed for asking.

I reached the thestral with all five of them on my tail. My hand reached out in front of me, and the thestral gave me a quick, gentle nod, almost escaping my notice. That was when the brutal force jeered my arm right at the thestral's skeletal back. I was expecting it to feel rough and cold, like a sequined blouse that was stuffed in a freezer overnight, but this scaly creature felt more like a cold-blooded snake skin. It was the temperature of the air around us, and its body was smooth. My hand glided easily over it, maneuvering around the mane, of course.

"It's lovely," I lied, though my character was really enjoying herself. The others looked at me as I had my moment, smiling along with me. My hand dropped, and I turned around to face them all. "Can we all fit into one carriage?"

I wish I hadn't asked.

"Sure, we can," James grinned. "So long as you ladies sit on our laps, it should be a fine fit."

Lily's eyes went wide, as if she were thinking, Oh Merlin, please, no. Then her face wrinkled with disgust at his piggish attitude. "I think I'll take the next one—"

I watched the dispute continue painfully, though I could feel amusement that the author was trying to write into me creeping up like a sickness.

I looked to Caroline, Remus, and Sirius to see how they felt about sharing a carriage. Caroline shrugged, probably happy to be making so many friends so soon. Sirius jabbed Remus in the ribs, eyeing me, while Remus' face shown disapproval of Sirius' blatant disrespect towards me. I tried to cover my only-possible-in-reality-with-major-plastic-surgery boobs by crossing my arms over my chest, but they only fit below my boobs, causing them to pop out even more. I couldn't win.

"Let's just go," said Caroline, bobbing up and down, arching a thick, dark eyebrow. "It's starting to get cold. And I want to know which House I'll be sorted into!"

"So it's decided!" James said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them. "Now, usually, I would say, 'Ladies first,' but since you are all sitting on our laps—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lily said, annoyed. "Just get in. Caroline is right. We can't miss the feast over some childish row."

British words are weird, I thought, noting her use of "row" in place of "argument" or "quarrel."

The Marauders stepped inside the carriage quickly, ducking their heads and sitting down. Sirius patted his lap like a drum kit excitedly. James chuckled. Remus turned very red before anyone even sat on his lap, probably embarrassed by his friends' poor conduct and at the aspect of having a young woman so close to him.

Grumbling, Lily went in first. James directed her, surprisingly politely, to his lap, yet she sat on Remus, whom she respected academically and was even almost friends with. Caroline shrugged, taking it as an OK to sit atop James. Prongs made certain that his pouts were short-lived, deciding that a friendly, petite brunette with a stunning face and cute body was a good consolation. That only left me with one lap to fill.

The lap of Sirius Black.

I wasn't about to complain about being up close and personal to a Prince Caspian look-alike. I was about to complain about sitting on the lap of someone whose mindset was oink oink, woof woof.

"I see I'm left with the scraps," I giggled, coating true words with a playful attitude. As I bent over to get inside, Sirius and James were staring down my very full, very exposed cleavage. I wanted to groan or roll my eyes, but instead I decided to stop expecting so much self-control over hormone-ridden teenage boys.

Sirius helped me situate myself on top of him. I was turned sideways to avoid bumping knees with Lily, who sat across from me on top of Moony. I had to clasp my arms around Sirius' neck to avoid jolting forward or backward when the carriage inevitably hit bumps on the path. As a result, my stupid cleavage was all up in his smug yet hopelessly handsome face. When he wasn't looking down my shirt (not that he had to look far or hard), he was eyeing the bum on his lap as if he couldn't believe this was happening to him.

"Oww," I said, stunned. Something hit the side of my leg. "Sirius, can you move your wand? It just jabbed me."

James burst into laughter, and Caroline followed suit. That caused Lily to cave and giggle, which, in turn, made it all right for Remus to chuckle along with the group.

"Yeah, erm," Sirius coughed, "that's not my wand. Sorry."

I wanted to leap out of the carriage then and there and ride the thestral the rest of the way up, but instead, I laughed with the group. Sirius joined in awkwardly, pausing every few chuckles. It was actually kind of cute.

The rest of the ride was filled with mindless chatter. The Marauders and Lily made jokes about professors and kept mentioning how wonderful their final year was going to be. Caroline asked questions when she could get a word in, and I kept mostly to myself. I was trying to get a feel for my environment, learn what I could about the group and about Hogwarts in this generation. I would like to think that in reality, one of them would have asked if I was all right and noticed how quiet I was being. But these people hardly knew me, so it came as no shock (even in this fantasy world where apparently everyone I met cared about me to some extent) that they left me to my own thoughts.

We reached the front of the castle when the carriage stopped moving. Lily was the first to stand up and open the door. I watched her red ponytail swoosh around as she landed on two feet swiftly. She ironed down her skirt with her hands, waited for Caroline, and the two of them left side by side. So much for being one of the girls, I thought.

The boys staggered out. James pushed up his glasses and watched Lily Evans trail away. "This is going to be my year. I can feel it." He shot a meaningful head-point in the redhead's direction.

"Prongs, no offense, but she thinks you're a ball of slime, mate," said Sirius in a doubtful tone, adjusting his robes. I stood amid them gawkily, suddenly anxious. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to go from here. Did I follow the first years, who were bunched up in a group by the double doors, or did I walk in with the guys and wait for Dumbledore or McGonagall to notice me?

I didn't need to worry for too long because a middle-aged witch in a tall black hat, round glasses, and green robes came up and almost grabbed my forearm. She decided not to for some reason, pulling her hand back uncomfortably.

"Miss Shade?" said the woman in a Scottish accent. It was definitely a much younger-looking McGonagall. Her voice had less of a rasp, her hair dark black, and her face lined less with age. "Aria?"

T'is I, mwahahahaha, I wanted to say with my best Count Dracula voice. Instead, the author made me say, "Yes?" which gave me zero entertainment. It was about to get boring now. If I was right, I was going to be plucked up and into the group of first years and sorted along with them.

"I am Head of Gryffindor, Professor McGonagall. I have some rules that Headmaster Albus Dumbledore has urged me to ask you to agree and sign to," said the Professor. "Nothing personal, I assure you. It's a precautionary measure. We've yet to teach a student in your condition here at Hogwarts, and we must guarantee the safety of the other students. If you'll follow me…" She gestured toward the castle, waiting for me to start walking.

Bitch, how can I follow you if I'm in front of you? I thought. And what's all this about "guaranteeing the safety of the other students"? You think I'm going to drink them dry in their sleep? I've barely had any vampire-related cravings—

"Okay," I said hesitantly, looking behind me to wave to the guys. "See you at the ceremony." I turned to McGonagall. "Won't I?"

"I believe I caught you early enough," she said breathlessly. "Now, please, come."

I nodded and began walking toward the doors, Professor McGonagall hot on my trail. Behind me, I could hear the boys making comments like, "The things I would do to her," and "Do you think all half-vampires have asses like that?"

I wanted to scream. In canon, the Marauders could probably care less about girls. They would have spent their train ride planning new pranks to pull on Snivellus, who was supposed to be best friends with Lily, not hitting on girls. Sure, maybe in their down time they would try to catch tail. That was reasonable. But in my head, I'd always pictured them using the long ride to Hogwarts as an investment, the compartment a drawing room for new ideas of highly classified tomfoolery that they would fill Remus, performing Prefect duties, in on later in their dorm room. But then again, here I was, an "American transfer student" with impossibly giant jugs, glowing vampire color-changing eyes, flowing raven-black hair, and the personality of a brick wall. And yet everyone was kind of in love with me despite the latter.

As I walked through the castle and up the moving staircases, I noticed the portraits moving, excited by all the commotion of the students' arrival. We stopped at the Gryffindor Common Room floor, which was only supposed to have the Common Room and nothing else. But of course, the author didn't know that.

"My office is this way," said the Professor, pointing her nose forth.

No, it's not, I groaned in my mind. Your office is near the Quidditch/broomstick class area. Like from the first book and movie? When you saw Harry catch the Remembrall? No? Okay.

I pretended that she had two offices so these little details wouldn't bother me as much. I had to let the author have a free pass. Not every fanfiction writer was as strict with minor details as I was. Though, to be fair to myself, adding whole rooms to the seventh floor of the castle wasn't really all that minor. It was actually kind of major. But I digress.

We walked inside, and she went around her desk to pull up the forms without wasting any time. "Have a seat if you wish. This won't take long, but the walk back downstairs very well may. Just read these through and give it your signature."

She set an open pot of black ink and a feathery quill in front of me. I nodded, bringing my eyes down to read the parchment papers scattered in front of me. I realized with exasperation that the words were blurry, as if the author of my story hadn't cared to write a real essay. A select few sentences were clear, and as I read them, I almost snorted.

I, (blank line), do solemnly swear not to cause fear, injury, or death in my peers. I hereby agree that the burden of vampirism be kept safely at bay by the decree that no blood shall be spilled while on school grounds.

I gazed up at McGonagall, who had her hands folded together on the other side of the desk, staring at me pointedly. I made a face. Of course I didn't want to hurt anybody, even if this was a fantasy world and they weren't real. I just wasn't sure what the author was going to make me do later. I almost feared the consequences of those potential actions.

My hand went toward the quill. I dipped it into the ink pot, shaking my head, and brought it to the parchment. I signed my given name, Aria Shade, on the blank space underneath all of the text, and filled the name in print on the blank line in the paragraph with the oath. That was how those things were supposed to work, right?

"Thank you," McGonagall said, retrieving the papers. "Now, we may go."

We reached the Great Hall. I expected to make a bigger scene, but the room was buzzing with chatter, laughter, and anticipation. The Professor and I walked all the way to the long table in the back. Dumbledore was front and center, his signature beard shorter than it was in Harry's time. So was his grey hair. I stared at him intensely and saw the gaze return to me. Blue eyes sparkled behind half moon glasses. His lips curled slightly, but just as quickly as he had glanced my way, his attention turned to the Hall in general.

I looked ahead of me. There was a swarm of short little first years surrounding a stool with a ratty black hat. The Sorting Hat. I bit my lip, hoping I wouldn't have to share a bedroom with Bellatrix or Narcissa Black or—

"Attention!" said McGonagall. "Attention. The Sorting Ceremony will now begin."

The students took a minute to settle down. I stood with embarrassment next to Caroline Bludworth, feeling less ridiculous with someone my age by my side.

Caroline and I waited anxiously for all of the first years to be sorted. As each House gained a new member, cheers and applause roared proudly. As we waited, Caroline whispered small talk, which I'm pretty sure we weren't supposed to be having during something so momentous for the little first years, but I didn't tell her to stop.

"This is so weird," she said, placing a hand on her hip. Her brows furrowed, but her eyes were glued to the Hat. "My sister is obsessed with Hogwarts. Now I'm here and she's not. I wish I could tell her about it, but she would never believe me."

I stared at her sideways, confusion distorting my "perfect" features. "Your sister goes to school in America still?"

Caroline flushed, looking away. "You could say that."

I shrugged. If she was done talking about it, so was I.

"Bludworth, Caroline?" McGonagall said on cue. She patted the stool where smelly first year diaper butts had just been sitting.

As she walked toward the Hat, Caroline gave me a nervous glance, which I returned with a positive smile. I mouthed wordlessly, "Good luck."

The Hat was placed atop her head immediately after she sat down. Her eyes were wide and crisp leaf green, full of wonder. I wished I could hear what the Sorting Hat was saying to her.

Not soon before long, the Hat exclaimed, "SLYTHERIN!"

My jaw flew open and I allowed a small gasp to escape. I quickly shut it, recovering from the shock. I had to smile at her now to reassure her that everything was going to be fine. She frowned sadly at me, and all I could think about was how her first words to me were, "Woah, who's the porn star?" and decided I shouldn't have been all that astounded by her sorting.

"And finally, another exchange student from America; Shade, Aria!" said McGonagall, and I nearly froze where I stood. She just had to mention that, didn't she? McGonagall's eyes urged me forward, and I walked slowly toward the stool. I stared at the Hat before sitting down. I felt like it was smirking at me, but I was probably just imagining that bit.

I felt the light weight of it press my hair down, matting it to my head. I then heard its mysterious voice speak aloud, though I was the only one that could hear it converse.

"Aria Shade, hmm, yes. Loyal, brave, but intelligent and friendly—oh, witty and cunning. How did that get in there?" The Sorting Hat seemed genuinely surprised. Could the Hat really read my real personality, or just my character's? "I know where to put you."

It paused dramatically, and I practically fell off the edge of the stool in anticipation. It roared the House's name like thunder over cloudy skies. "GRYFFINDOR!"

The Marauders were the first three people I saw clapping. I looked to Lily, who shot a toothy grin, and then to Caroline at the Slytherin table. She was seated next to a bored-looking blonde girl and the ever-sexy Regulus Black. She smiled forcefully up at me as I took my seat, probably secretly wishing our roles were reversed.

Dumbledore's speech, blah blah blah, food is tasty, blah blah blah. Marauders are ecstatic about my House placement, blah blah blah. All the usual fanfiction first night ceremony bull crap stuff was happening. I almost took a nap in my chicken leg and Shepherd's pie, but I didn't want to seem rude.

I'll admit that it wasn't an entirely boring day overall. I thought the night was going to go in a different direction before McGonagall had me sign that oath. At least it wasn't a cliché Unbreakable Vow. That would have dampened the mood even more than the stupid pieces of paper I had to sign.

With any luck or creativity or imagination whatsoever on the author's part, I would have an eventful day of classes lined up the next morning.

Who was I kidding? My day was going to entail every single guy hitting on me as the Marauders get mad because they're supposed to be the only ones allowed to have the privilege.

I can't wait.