Chapter 5- I am your…

Mary Eunice was still upset when she and Sister Jude set out for New York several days later. She wanted to hide her sullen mood from Jude, and hoped she was doing a decent job at trying, but she didn't know how she could be. To say she was disappointed by not being able to find her birth records was an understatement. Her initial disappointment had dissolved into a kind of fear.

She had always felt that there was a security in the idea that one day she'd find her family. It was like something to look forward to and now that that was gone she felt helpless, terrified and impossibly alone in the world. After a couple of days, her fear took on a new form and became a sort of lifelessness. She was crushed, and in short, heartbroken. Mary Eunice was sure that the heartbrokenness had manifested itself in her outwardly and that knowledge was making her even more withdrawn than she already was.

Jude had, in fact, taken note that Mary Eunice had been quieter and much less enthusiastic about everything in the past few days, like she was a different person. It was as if her senses were dulled and all her emotions heightened. She worried that the young nun's attitude had something to do with the other nuns, or not liking her new work, or worse: not liking her. Jude was nervous about all this and longed to find an appropriate way to reach out and tell her she was her Mother…but how would she ever do it? Jude figured that only time could make this possible.

"How do you like the job so far, Mary Eunice?" Jude elected to ask, glancing over at her daughter, carefully noting how distraught she appeared. The world sped by outside as the train went along, but Mary Eunice sat perfectly still, staring at the floor, almost seeming to be entranced.

"Oh!" Mary Eunice brightened suddenly, and Jude could tell, intentionally, as if she were trying to convince her she was alright. "It's wonderful Sister, I don't know how I'd be doing without it…I really like it."

"Good." Jude bit her lip, carefully observing just how agitated her daughter seemed. "It's just that…that something seems to have been bothering you over the last few days. If someone's bothering you…or anything's going on you really should feel free to tell me I am your…" Jude stopped, catching herself before she could say Mother. "I am your supervisor…your friend."

"Oh uh…" Her mind spun.

She would've never imagined that Jude would actually ask her what was wrong…what was she supposed to say? Could she tell her that she was looking for her birth family? Perhaps she could be of some help on that front…but Mary Eunice decided against having that conversation.

"It's uh…its just some things going on at home." She covered, hoping this would end the discussion. Mary Eunice could feel that she was on the brink of tears and didn't want to talk about this right then, even with someone who called herself a friend.

"At home?" Jude asked.

"Yeah…at home." She knew Jude could tell she was being untruthful.

"Your Mother?" Jude asked. Mary Eunice paused.

"Yeah…my Mother." She finished, figuring that at the very least this was partially true. This was about her Mother. Just not in the way Jude probably thought. "I-I want to get to know her but…" Mary Eunice chose her words carefully. "Some things she did…a long, long time ago are, are making it impossible for us to connect." That was a good way to describe what her birth mother had done in giving her away.

"Mothers can be like that." Jude began.

She'd felt disconnected from her Mother for a long time after she'd forced her to give up the baby and it had taken years for their relationship to heal.

"I don't know what situation fits you and your Mother better…but sometimes a Mother becomes distant because she makes an unpopular decision, but she feels she has to do what she thinks is best." Jude said this, in reflection of her own Mother and what she thought was best. "And sometimes a Mother's distance from a child is forced on them." Jude sighed; she felt almost as if she were explaining herself to the young nun. "Imagine a young mother who has to give up a child." Mary Eunice gulped when she said this, turning her face away from Sister Jude. "Just because she does give up the baby, doesn't necessarily mean she wanted to."

….

Several hours later, Jude and Mary Eunice had arrived in New York, checked into their shared hotel room and gone downstairs to the convention. Both women were sort of shaken because of the conversation they'd had earlier about Mothers and adoption, although they were both trying to keep the fact that they were upset to themselves. And despite being upset, the two tried to appreciate being out of Briarcliff.

The hustle and bustle at this hotel and convention center was a complete contrast from the crowd at Briarcliff. Mary Eunice noted that the place was beautiful, opulent even. She was amazed by all the different types of people she was seeing and by the hotel it's self, which was grand and rich with gold, red and deep royal purple tapestries, walls and carpeting. Not only that, but she was starving and the food was great.

Mary Eunice helped herself to Cheese Danish as they went to sit down in their chairs. There were at least two hundred of them lined up in front of a small stage, and Jude decided they'd sit on the end of an aisle ten rows back from the front. Jude smiled. She was still rattled from the earlier conversation but was happy that Mary Eunice seemed to be taking her mind off of whatever was bothering her, at least long enough to enjoy her new surroundings.

"Sister would you like some?" Mary Eunice asked of the Cheese Danish.
"No thank you Mary Eunice, I've renounced sweets, just as I've renounced Spirits."

"Okay." Mary Eunice shrugged as she took another bite of the treat. Jude couldn't help but sort of laugh to herself, noting that Mary Eunice had adopted Timothy's approach to teasing her about having renounced certain kinds of foods. She couldn't help finding this adorable, given her affection for Timothy.

"Good afternoon Sisters!"

The Nun who was leading the conference called them to attention once everyone was seated. The convention opened with a prayer followed by some basic information about the next few days, then the leader began to speak again.

"I'm excited to announce that the special topic of this year's convention is Adoption in America!"

A-adoption? Mary Eunice almost choked when she heard this and Jude could feel her heart drop into the pit of her stomach. Adoption was just about the last thing either of them wanted to hear about for three whole days.

'Oh this doesn't make me feel awkward…not at all…' Jude said to herself.

In fact, it did make her feel awkward, especially with all the slips of the tongue she'd made over the past few days. The train had hardly been the first time it had happened. Jude had almost told Mary Eunice she was her Mother at least a handful of times that week alone.

As for Mary Eunice, even hearing that that was the topic made her almost cry.

As the speaker continued, it was words like 'unwanted children' that really got to her. She longed to know her birth family and didn't want to be thought of as unwanted and now long forgotten. The idea was horrific to her. Mary Eunice didn't listen for a minute or two, too busy caught up in her own thoughts.

"And then there's the third kind of adoptee, one we don't often talk about. These are the children who grow up and most often have no access to their birth records…" This caught Mary Eunice's ear and she looked up at the Nun who was speaking again. "Yes ladies, children conceived in rape are often unable to locate their families and birth records because…"

The woman's words dwindled into the background as Mary Eunice's mind began to spin. Conceived in rape? Mary Eunice swallowed her last bit of Cheese Danish, feeling it drop into the pit of her stomach with a thud as this new wave of terror fully overtook her. If she'd been one of these children…the child of a rape then she'd not only been forgotten by her Mother, but certainly her memory had been practically expunged. Mary Eunice panicked and found herself wanting to throw up. She got up and hurried out of the room, taking the nearest exit back out into the hotel, feeling at least a hundred pairs of eyes on her as she did this.

Mary Eunice found herself alone in the hallway and leaned against a window. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself from the panic that was setting in. Outside, she watched as a Mother and a child, a blonde haired little girl no older than six or seven, walked by hand in hand. Mary Eunice closed her eyes in protest as she felt the tears begin to sting.

"Oh Mom, why'd you abandon me?" She said very quietly.

"I don't think you were listening to the speaker very well, Mary Eunice." Mary Eunice turned around, both embarrassed and afraid when she heard Jude question her. She hadn't met to cause a scene.

"S-sister I-I'm sorry that…" She said, desperately trying to hide the fact that she was crying now, which was ridiculous: Mary Eunice was red-faced and sobbing.

"You weren't the third kind of adoptee they mentioned, Mary Eunice. You were the first."