Mario's eyes shot open. He had been unconscious for quite some time. As he composed himself and looked around, he realized that he was in a completely new place; there was sand, gravel, and some patches of grass below his feet, and a small house behind him. Other than that, there was just the vastness of space. Mario could see the curvature of the small planetoid he was on.
"What the..." Mario asked himself. Unexpectedly, he heard a voice call out as if in answer to his pseudo-question.
"Help! Help!" The chubby silver star that Peach gave him screamed as it unburrowed itself from Mario's hat. Mario saw the creature transform into a rabbit-like figure right before his very eyes! "Rapist! Rapist!" It started hopping away.
"Get back here, you little shit!" Mario demanded as he gave chase. The rabbit ran to the other side of the world, which was only a few yards, and hopped up a stone structure. Mario climbed the stairs only on time to see the rabbit return to its original form and float to a new figure, which was surrounded by more of the star-like creatures.
"Mama! Mama! Save me!" said the fat little star.
"So..." said the new figure in a smooth, quiet tone, "You finally came to. That's good; I was beginning to think you weren't going to make it."
"P-Princess?" Mario asked confused. The figure turned around to reveal not the Princess that Mario was looking for, but rather a cosmic goddess clad in a blue night gown! Mario's jaw almost detached from his face as it dropped and his eyes nearly melted out of their sockets. Never before had he expected that something so close to perfection existed in the female form, yet this elegant beauty had him asking himself; was this real, or was it but a dream?
"My name is Rosalina. I am the wanderer of the cosmos, the guardian of the stars." She raised a hand, gesturing to the little stars. "These are the Lumas. Like me, they are alone; abandoned fragments of space junk desperate to find their place in the universe. I have adopted them as my children until they are ready to pursue their true purpose, and become the very stars responsible for all life in the galaxy."
Mario's state of surprise was maintained as he realized that not only was she quite likely the most beautiful sight he had yet seen, but she also had one of the most compelling backstories out of any of the other characters in the series.
"This 'Princess' you speak of... is she your special one?" she asked
"Uh... um... I... I... uh..." Mario responded.
"Ah, she must be content to know that there is someone who would travel across the universe through dangers and peril just to bring her back home safe and sound. If only someone like you existed for me... but alas, I am destined to live out my existence alone, with only my Lumas to keep me company..."
"But... but... I..."
"Of course I am willing to help someone who shows so much faithfulness and devotion. Meet me at my comet observatory. We can talk about our plans further there."
With that, Rosalina began fading away into thin air, and soon she had completely disappeared from that location.
"Wait! Wait!" Mario tried to stop her, "But how do I get there?"
"Use the launch star..." echoed Rosalina's disembodied voice.
A little orange stencil popped into existence in the center of the stone balcony that Rosalina was on moments ago. Mario gulped as he realized that the stencil was actually a star with a smaller star inside it; he was going to have to fly with it. Unexpectedly, the launch star sucked him up as he approached it. The next thing he knew, Mario was flying through the vacuum of space. Mario felt his saliva boiling and his internal organs pressing out as if they were about explode as he screamed a silent scream.
"That bitch is crazy!" he yelled, although the sound travelled nowhere. Mario approached a castle that looked like the one from the Disney intro, except that it was floating in the dead of space. It was all dark and covered in shadow except for a small portion in the center, which was where he landed. Mario's face pummeled into the plexiglass floor. He slid and stopped right at Rosalina's feet.
"Oh my…." Said Rosalina, "It seems I forgot; your human body is not accustomed to the extraterrestrial environment. I will bestow upon you this…" Rosalina raised her hand and the tiny silver Luma began to float towards Mario's hat again.
"No, mama!" it cried, "Noooooo!" Its screams were muffled under Mario's cap.
"This is the youngest of all the Lumas. With him by your side, you will be able to live and breathe in outer space. You'll even be able to do a unique spin to propel you through the cosmos."
"Um…" Mario was confused. "…thanks, but why do I need this? Can't you just take me to Bowser so I can kill him, and get Peach back?"
"If only it were that easy…" Rosalina trailed off, "I'm sorry, it seems your name is not yet known to me."
"My name? It's uh… it's… Mario! It's Mario; my name's Mario!"
"Mario…" she let out a deep moan, which surprised and somewhat aroused Mario, "When I am all alone at night, looking out into the vast empty void, I will think of you and your special one, Mario… only instead of her, I will think of me, safe and secure in your strong arms, protecting me from all the dangers in the universe."
Mario, at that point desperately wanted to say that he only saved Peach for the greater good; that he wanted to be with Rosalina more. But he knew that wasn't true; Mario was infatuated, but he knew that it wouldn't be fair to give up on Peach, the woman he had been chasing for so long now, just because he had potential with another beautiful woman. So he kept silent.
"But alas, if only it were that easy, Mario. Sadly, before that monster left, he scattered all of our power stars across the cosmos. Without the power of the stars, our observatory cannot travel to the center of the universe where your loved one is being held."
"NO!" Mario yelled, "I am NOT going to travel across another hellish landscape to collect these damn stars, just to get a chance to possibly complete my mission! There has GOT to be another way, lady, PLEASE!" Mario noticed a tear rolling down Rosalina's cheek after his outburst.
"Ever since the stars were taken," she sobbed, "the entire observatory has been shrouded in darkness. I…" she took a moment to compose herself, but it was futile as the tears continue to flow. "…I can't even get into my bedroom to sleep… if you won't help me, Mario, I just…" there was no hiding it now; the tears were flowing freely, "I just don't know what I'll do!"
"Oh, mama mia," Mario said with remorse as he lent his shoulder for her to cry on, "I didn't know before. Of course I'll help you get your stars back. Just please, don't cry anymore!"
"…Really…?" she said, her tears beginning to subside, "You'd really do that for me?"
"Of course I will!" Mario said valiantly, "as long as you help me find the Princess."
"I promise!" she said squeezing him in a tight embrace. Mario was glad he didn't eat anything to make him gassy earlier. "Mario, you are a true hero. Not just to your special one, but also to me!"
"Just tell me where I can find some stars and I'll get started right away!"
"The terrace is the only pod open right now. Inside you can find a launch star to take you to Good Egg Galaxy."
"Okie dokie!" Mario said as he ran towards the pod. Once he was out of Rosalina's sight he sighed and slowed down. "She just HAD to cry, didn't she?" He hopped into the launch star and he was sent flying to his first galaxy.
The effects of the vacuum were not as profound as they were before. Mario was able to breathe and he didn't feel like he was going to explode this time. That Luma really did the trick! He landed and looked around.
"Wow…" said Mario, "Some 'Galaxy' this is. It's just a bunch of tiny planets!" Mario observed a bunch of dead grass, a walkway that went up a hill at ninety degrees, and most disturbingly of all, a burnt shack resting at the top of the incline; his shack. "No. Fucking. Way."
Mario rushed to the top of the hill, which he was able to do thanks to the topsy-turvy gravity of the planet. Before he could rush inside a hand grabbed his own. To his shock he looked over to see Big Pop Daddy King Toad!
"Big Pop Daddy King Toad? What are you doing here?"
"Nevermind that, fool! Did you try to burn down your brother?"
"Well, I was, um-"
"Man, didn't you hear what I axed you? I say, did you try to burn down your brother?!"
"Possibly."
"Well you shoulda made sure that mutha fucka' was dead, cause there sure as hell ain't no body in there!"
"You mean…"
"Damn right I mean! That fuckup is runnin' 'round somewhere in the dead of space!"
"Shit!" Mario yelled, "Listen, Big Pop Daddy King Toad, I need you to do me a huge favor."
"Lemme guess. You want me to round up your retard brother while you go try and rescue Peach, right?"
"Yeah."
"I guess I can go round up the old man's sex slaves and form a brigade, but you're gonna have to repay me. When you rescue the Princess and make your porno, I want you to send me a copy. I'll even sweeten the deal; I'll help you find some stars after we find Luigi."
"You really wanna see her tits that bad, huh?" asked Mario.
"Hell yeah, man! I've been her servant ever since she became Princess, and not once did I see those puppies. All the times I tried to walk in on her by 'accident' were all worthless. I'll even settle for one nude shot, or some really good Rule 34!"
"I'll see what I can do, Toad. You just focus on finding Luigi."
Big Pop Daddy Kind Toad gave Mario a salute and Mario advanced to the next planetoid. Mario noticed a massive polka dotted egg embedded into the ground.
"Breakfast…" Mario said. He found a coconut lying on the ground and threw it full force at the egg, which promptly exploded into enough yolk to flood the planet. Mario noticed another launch star, leading to the fearsome looking death star.
"Breakfast will have to wait." said Mario as he launched himself towards the ominous spacecraft. The inside was full of industrial technology with intricate moving parts. It all looked very confusing. Mario noticed a massive off switch right next to him.
"Too easy. Bowser obviously designed this himself." Mario flipped the switch, but instead of turning off the machine, Mario got struck by a bolt of lightning. Mario screamed in pain and fell to the ground.
"Graw ha ha ha ha!" came Bowser's laugh through a speaker system. Mario looked at a screen where Bowser's face appeared.
"You son of a bitch! Where'd you get a genius to design your death star!" Mario demanded.
"I learned from the very best, Mario. I've been watching Luigi for the past months, learning how to really piss you off. Eventually it will be too much and it will destroy you!" Bowser laughed.
"You evil bastard! You will pay!"
"Good luck! This death star is running on power from that star in the center of the room!"
Mario looked over to see a giant power star spinning right in plain sight! "So all I have to do is collect it?" he asked.
"Yeah, but you're way too stupid to figure that out."
Mario immediately ran to collect the star. He spun around and let out a "Yahoo!" before flying back to the observatory. "Shit." Said Bowser before the power went out and the death star exploded.
