Mario woke up. He felt warm and comfortable for once. He found himself in a dimly lit room, covered in a rich blue blanket in a bed with a canopy. He was in Rosalina's bedroom. A comforting hand ran under his hat through his hair. He looked up to see Rosalina, caringly looking back at him i.
"Oh, Mario!" She said calmly and soothingly, letting her hand rest on his head, "You had me so worried! I though you weren't going to wake up this time…" She stayed silent for a moment, "But you did! You did so good, Mario. You did so much for me… and for your special one."
"How many more stars do I need?" Mario took his hand up to sway her off. He didn't want to. She simply caught his hand and put it around her shoulder. She lifted him to a seated position and embraced him tightly.
"I must say, Mario, if I were your special one, I would be the happiest person in the galaxy! Oh, if only I could make you think for just one night that I was her, so that for one night I could know how it feels to be loved." Mario's felt his hand go from her shoulder to her back and begin to run down. He stopped. This wasn't right. He set his hand down beside him.
"But it's okay." She said, "I understand why you wouldn't betray your loved one. It shows true devotion."
Mario felt a sudden rustle in the covers next to him. For some reason he was surprised to see Luigi (who else?) pop out of bed next to him!
"Count me in!" Luigi shouted. He lunged across Mario, reaching for Rosalina. Rosalina shrieked and magically backed up all the way to the doorway, leaving Luigi's hand to fumble through the air and land right on Mario's crotch. Mario screamed at the top of his lungs.
"ARGHH! MY MEATBALLS!" He took Luigi and threw him off the bed. "Luigi, you fucker! I'll kill you! I'll break your neck! I'll shoot a star bit through your empty fucking skull!" Luigi ran around the room laughing out loud.
"Oh my!" said Rosalina with a hand over her mouth. She decided the best thing to do would be to leave.
"Come get me, Mario!" said Luigi between laughs, "Nothing like a good game of tag!"
"Get back here, you…" Mario continued to chase Luigi in a big circle around the room. Then he got an idea; he stopped. Luigi, on the other hand, continued running. He ran a lap around the room, and then he collided with Mario. The brothers went flying through another warp star, which launched them to yet another galaxy!
The first thing Mario noticed about this galaxy was its extremely gusty winds. He looked around for Luigi.
"Don't think I'm not done here! Where are you?" Mario looked up and saw Luigi with a huge flower. He had caught the petals in the breeze to fly away!
"Goodbye, Mario! Goodbyeee!" Luigi said with a sly smirk as he waved to his brother.
"Oh no you don't!" Mario ran to the flower patch and picked himself a pale pink flower as well. He followed the breeze to the same place Luigi was going, spinning in hopes to propel himself further.
Mario touched down on a gigantic apple. Mario was too hell bent on catching Luigi to wonder what a giant apple was doing floating in a Gusty Garden in space. He looked around and saw Luigi sitting down and relaxing on a wooden peg.
"Why there you are, Mario!"
"I'll smash you!" Mario jumped up, attempting to land on Luigi, but his effort was futile; Luigi evaded and kept running. The force of Mario's jump was enough to smash the peg down. A loud noise was heard as a giant startled worm emerged and fled the red apple for a neighboring green one, creating a bridge between the two. Before a second passed, Luigi raced across the worm, laughing all the way. Mario let out a frustrated grunt and followed.
Jumping onto the next planet, Mario saw nothing but dirt.
"Where did he go…" Mario pondered. "WHERE DID YOU GO!?" As if in answer to Mario's question, Luigi popped his head out of the dirt and said "Bazinga!" Mario pounded his fist down, but Luigi submerged himself. He popped out again, and again. "Bazinga! Bazinga!" Mario narrowly missed. The dirt began to rupture, and Mario prepared to bring his fist down. This time, however, it was not Luigi that popped out, but rather a huge blue spiny shell. But it was too late; Mario's brain had already given him the command to smash it, and so Mario's hand got stabbed by one of the vicious spikes. But Mario was too mad to feel pain. When the giant pink mole that the shell was connected to emerged, Mario took it out in one foul swoop.
The chase finally ended on the last side of the planet. Mario saw Luigi stopped at two chests. In between the chests was a single golden shell. Mario noticed Big Pop Daddy King Toad's ship right behind the two chests, but the Toads were nowhere to be found!
"Big Pop Daddy King Toad?" Mario called.
"In the chest." Came the mushroom man's voice. "Mario, I'm gonna give you a choice here. Chest number one, or chest number two… chest number one, or chest number TWO!"
Mario grabbed the shell and slammed it into the chest to his right—the one he heard Big Pop Daddy King Toad's voice coming out of. The shell broke the lock and Big Pop Daddy King Toad emerged from the wooden chamber.
"Man, thank goodness you came. I went in that box to get a star, but somehow it closed on me and locked me in!"
"It's okay, I guess," said Mario, "So where is it?"
"Where's what?"
"Where's the star?" Mario was a bit irritated.
"Oh the star? It's in the other chest."
"What?! Then why did you put so much emphasis on CHEST NUMBER TWO!?"
"Cause I didn't wanna stay locked in that thang!"
Mario was now even more furious. He grabbed Luigi and held him over his head. "Tag…" he said. He then slammed his brother's head down onto the other chest, shattering the lock and causing it to burst open. All the other Toads went flying out of the box, along with the precious power star. "… you're it." He turned to Big Pop Daddy King Toad. "Get the Toads out of here. They won't want to see this."
"You got it, man." Said Big Pop Daddy King Toad as he loaded up the brigade and flew off. When Mario was angry, even Big Pop Daddy Toad knew to fear him.
Mario turned to Luigi, who was completely unharmed from being used as a battering ram. Mario grabbed the power star.
"Hey Luigi," Mario said, "Let's see how fast we can get back to the observatory."
"Okay, how?"
"Like THIS!" Mario flew with the power star, hitting Luigi square in the crotch. Luigi's mouth opened from the shock. Mario knew the drill. Luigi's special button was activated and a massive blue blast came out of his mouth, giving them even more of a boost on the way back the Rosalina's observatory. They reached it in one infinitieth of the time it would have taken normally. Instead of writhing in pain like any normal person would do after such an experience, Luigi got straight up and yelled "That was fun!" before skipping off to wreak havoc on the observatory.
"Good job, Mario," said Rosalina, who was waiting for him, "You've done so well. It looks like our ship is completely powered."
"Well that's good news!" said Mario, "Does that mean we can go get Peach back now?"
"Yes, but…"
"But what?"
"But Mario…"
"Yes?"
"After you get her back…"
"…After I get her back what?"
"…after you get her back, does that mean we won't see each other anymore?"
"No, of course not! I want to see you a lot, why wouldn't we see each other?"
"I thought maybe since you'll have her, you won't need me anymore."'
"Not NEED you? Rosalina, I need you more than anything. You're the only sane person in this world that I can rely on. After meeting you, do you really think I can just go back to dealing with that?" Mario pointed behind him to Luigi, who was doing a zero-gravity moonwalk a ways behind him.
"I see, you have a point. Okay, Mario. Your special one is being held in the center of the universe. Bowser is the only person who has been living there; he has the power to shape it however he sees fit. It will be dangerous. But I have faith in you, Mario. Are you ready to get your special one back?"
"My body is ready."
"Then here. We. Go." Rosalina swirled her wand around and the observatory transformed (really it just rotated two gears) into a massive rocket ship! The observatory along with everybody on board blasted off into deep space. After a few seconds of trippy hyperspace, the crew was in Bowser's domain.
"So this is the center of the universe, huh?" Mario looked around and saw Princess Peach's castle, which now had a sign that read "Bowser Galaxy Strip Club". Mario said "That's probably where Bowser's keeping the Princess."
"Then go Mario…" said Rosalina, "And good luck."
Mario Took a launch star and flew over to the castle. On the way he looked back and saw Luigi running, trying to follow him and Rosalina capturing him in a bubble. He gave a salute and then landed at the castle doors. The inside of the castle looked a lot different; instead of murals of blue skies on the walls and red carpet on the floor, there were no walls and no carpets, and instead there was a giant sun and an orb with Bowser standing on top of it. Mario jumped onto the orb to confront Bowser.
"Mario…" Bowser said cunningly.
"Bowser…" said Mario, "I see you've remodeled the castle."
"Yep, I had an interior decorator. They're easy to find when you take over the entire galaxy."
"Well I like it… but I don't like you."
"Neither do I."
"Then do us both a favor and kill yourself so I don't have to."
"You know that's not what I meant! I mean I don't like you either!"
"So we're gonna do this the hard way then."
"I'm gonna do you the hard way! Kill you I mean!"
Bowser jumped up in the air and prepared to body slam Mario, but Mario quickly dove out of the way. Bowser roared and let out his firey breath, but Mario was quick to dodge.
"Why don't you just give up the Princess now so you don't have to be humiliated like always?" Mario taunted.
"Never! I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna make your precious Princess send me nudes!"
"Nudes… that reminds me, I have to get her to send Toad those pictures." While Mario was distracted Bowser pummeled him, causing him to do a full revolution around the small orb-planet and crash right into Bowser's spiky shell. Bowser picked him up by the overall strap.
"Those nudes… are mine!" Bowser threw Mario to the ground. Mario staggered to his feet.
"Never…"
Bowser began shooting fireballs out of his mouth, but Mario managed to dodge them.
"Your aim is as bad as ever, Bowser." He said. But just then one of the fireballs that had managed to orbit the planet came back around and hit Mario right in the back. Mario collapsed again. Bowser laughed.
"Now I'm finally going to finish you off for real!" Bowser lept up in the air again. His body started plummeting toward Mario's. Mario suddenly heard Rosalina's voice. "Come on, Mario, you can do it… don't give up Mario!" she said. Bowser's spikes were inches away from Mario. Suddenly, Mario rolled away and sprang to his feet. Bowser's impact broke a hole through the glass and splashed him with molten stardust. Mario used this opportunity to use his spin attack, smashing his fist into Bowser's face and sending him airborne.
Mario jumped up and grabbed a bob-omb which was conveniently floating nearby. He twirled around and shoved it full force right up Bowser's ass.
"Argggh! You son of a bitch!" Bowser yelled in pain. He spazzed around for a few seconds before the bomb went off, reducing Bowser's body to a bloody mess which spread out through space and time. The impact of the explosion ruptured the big sun, which turned into a black hole! The black hole began sucking up the space debris.
"Time to go!" Mario said, and approached the castle exit. "Wait! Where's the Princess!" As if in an answer to Mario's question. Princess Peach came floating right by Mario.
"Mariooooo!" she called as she got sucked into the black hole.
"Oh… woops" Mario said.
The black hole grew, and eventually everything around Mario started getting sucked up, leaving Mario to slowly drift towards his doom. Mario felt a movement on his head and suddenly the little Luma popped out.
"What are you doing, you little shit?" Mario asked. The Luma waved goodbye, and then shot into the black hole.
"Fuck youuuuuuuuuu!" it said as it whizzed away. Mario saw Rosalina's observatory further away, and he saw little beams of light; the other Lumas, all diving into the black hole. And suddenly the black hole was lit up. The light concentrated and then exploded out, encompassing everything. Mario found himself floating aimlessly through the blue light until he saw her; Rosalina.
"Hello, Mario." She said.
"Rosalina? What's happening?"
"You did it, Mario, you won. Now it's time for you to go home again."
"But what about you?"
"Believe it or not, I have a home too, Mario; a home I only visit once every century. It's time for me to go home too. It's time for us to part ways."
"Wait! Will I ever see you again?"
"Of course!" she chuckled, "You'll see me again, sooner than you think… goodbye Mario…"
Then Rosalina faded away, along with the blue light. Everything went black for Mario. When his eyes opened he saw blue skies above him and felt soft grass underneath him. He was right outside Princess Peach's castle. Oddly enough, he saw Bowser, alive again, unconscious several yards away, and Princess Peach just waking up. She gazed at him, but Mario wasn't quite sure how to feel. With Rosalina gone he felt an emptiness within himself. Then suddenly he felt something else too; something small, about four inches in length, and hard pressed up against his butt. He turned around and saw Luigi, grinning ear to ear.
"Tag, you're it!" he said, "We're playing dick tag!" Then he started running away. Mario threw his hands in the air and screamed up towards the sky
"Fuck you Luigiiiiiiiii!"
The End
And so the story is over, but there is one final chapter in the epic saga that is the true story of Mario; the one filled with the last bit of romance, of rivalry, of epicness, of comedy and divinity. Join us next time for the ultimate culmination of Mario's adventures. It all comes down to this; Super Mario Galaxy: The true story: Part II.
