A/N: OK, the first real chapter! woot! I had a blast writing this so I hope you guys like it. Since Eleazar is from Spain, I slipped a little Spanish in there...just for a heads up. Also thank you so much for all your support already. I was amazed at the response this story got with just the introduction! You're all seriously amazing. THANK YOU!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Those belong to their respective owners.
xXxXx

Edward's Point of View

"Three aces," Emmett announced placing three cards face down on the table. He looked around at the rest of us, daring us to call his bluff.

"Bullshit," Jasper and I called simultaneously.

Emmett's fist came down hard on the table, sending the piles of cards and poker chips flying. "Damnit! You shouldn't be allowed to use your powers when we're playing cards."

"It's not against the rules," Jasper stated in our defense. "And even if it was, it's not like we can help it."

"You can block their powers," Eleazar explained. "That's what I do. Just think of your wife."

Emmett looked at him like he had just told him all the secrets of the universe. "Eleazar, I think I love you."

Eleazar laughed, "I'm sorry, Emmett, I prefer women."

"Oh well," Emmett shrugged, chuckling himself. "Carlisle, it's your turn."

"Two twos." I tried to take a peek into his mind to see if he was being truthful, only to be assaulted by images of my mother in very little clothing. I cringed at the sight, quickly trying to think of something else. Anything else. I glanced over to Jasper; he too appeared to be affected by Carlisle's train of thought.

"Un tres - one three," we all looked at Eleazar as he slipped his card on the table. No one challenged him. "You know, Edward, most men enjoy seeing women in their underwear."

"Not our Edward," Emmett announced, causing a growl to emanate from within me. "He thinks it's 'disrespectful' and 'repulsive' to think about things like that."

"Well, I'm sorry that my mother, as well as Esme, raised me to respect women," I retorted in hopes of defending myself.

"See boys, my son has morals," Carlisle said. I began to thank him, but he held up a hand to stop me. "I wasn't finished yet. Edward, you need to throw your morals out the window. It's not worth it – you're a hundred years old, for Christ's sake. You need to live a little."

I just stared at my father – completely at a loss for words – while the others laughed at my expense. I thought that, traditionally, parents were expected to tell you to remain abstinent until marriage. Yet here was Carlisle, telling me just the opposite.

"And how exactly do you propose I do that?" I looked around the table and immediately realized I should have kept my mouth shut.

Jasper smiled and suggestively wiggled his eyebrows. "Welcome to Women 101."


"I really don't think this is a good idea," I said for the umpteenth time since we had left our house in Denali. We were headed south on AK-3 toward Anchorage as well as my downfall.

Jasper smacked me in the back of the head from his place in the backseat of Emmett's jeep. "Edward, shut up. We're doing this for your own good."

"Yeah," Emmett agreed. "What happens when you spontaneously combust from all this sexual repression? How would Jasper and I live with ourselves knowing that we could have prevented it?"

I simply sighed and shook my head.

"Hey, Em, where exactly are we going?" My blond brother asked after a moment of silence.

Emmett smiled before replying only one word, "Octane."

"What's Octane?" I heard myself ask.

"An isomeric saturated hydrocarbon that's found in petroleum. It's used as fuel or a solvent," Emmett the Smartass told me at the same time as Jasper said, "A bar."

"Why are we going to a bar? We can't drink."

Jasper sighed. "Really, Edward, are you that dumb? We aren't going to drink. See, there are women at bars – women that are drunk and stupid. We are going to this bar so you can find a drunk girl."

"I'm not going to take advantage of a drunk girl." Was it that difficult for them to grasp that I had far too much respect for women to actually follow through with this? I was happy as I was; I didn't feel as though I needed a woman to make my existence complete.

It was now Emmett's turn to reprimand me. "You're not taking advantage of her. You don't even need to touch her. This is just a trial run of sorts. You're going to flirt with these women to see if you have what it takes."

"I'm not sure if I know how to flirt," I declared, hoping they wouldn't detect the false note in my voice so I could get out of this whole thing.

"It's fine. We will be in your head all night – we won't let you make an ass out of yourself," my bear-like brother assured me. "Trust us." Too bad that was easier said that done.


"We're here," Emmett announced as he slid the jeep in to an empty spot in the parking lot. I grimaced at the sound of the blaring music that played from within the bar that loomed in front of us – I never was a big fan of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama."

"Do I have to go in?" I whined. I probably sounded like a two-year-old, but I was grasping at straws here.

"Yes," my brothers answered in unison. I reluctantly followed them into the building.

"Hi there, handsome," a busty redhead slurred to me as we walked through the doors. I was surprised, as I looked into her mind, that the alcohol she had consumed thus far hadn't cause her pass out yet.

I looked around the interior of the building. This place reeked of cigarette smoke and beer. The lighting cast odd shadows throughout the room, making the people look pale and sickly. They drunkenly danced to the music coming from an old jukebox to the left of bar, which spread across nearly the entire east wall. A few pool tables were scattered around the room, along with many tables holding two, four, or six people.

We finally reached a empty table in the back corner, next to one of pool tables. A waitress came over to take our orders, her eyes lingering on the three of us a little longer that I thought was necessary. Emmett ordered us a pitcher of beer. What exactly he planned to do with it was beyond me.

We sat for a moment, no one saying anything. I surveyed the room, taking note of the fact that most of the women here were already draped over men. Most of them, however, were single and only here looking for a potential boyfriend or just someone to buy them a drink.

I also noticed that Jasper seemed unusually tense; I asked him what was wrong.

He shrugged and then gestured to the people around us. The alcohol in their bodies is making their heartbeats more rapid. Add that to their feeling of lust, and it's just a lot for me to handle. I nodded and asked him if he wanted to leave – and praying he would say yes. No, I'm OK for now. Nice try, though.

"Guys, check out those girls. They're looking at us," Emmett interrupted mine and Jasper's conversation, pointing to a group of three women who were scandalously clad in mini skirts and low-cut tops. One was brunette while the other two were blond, and all three were good-looking by human standards. Sure enough, they were staring directly at us. When they noticed the three of us looking at them in return, they waggled their finger in our direction and giggled.

Oh, look at the big one. I'd love to feel his muscles, one of the blonds thought, unconsciously running a hand through her hair. I pointed her out to Emmett, and he winked at her. She swooned on the spot.

The other blond's thoughts weren't nearly as clean, as she was busy undressing Jasper in her mind. I told him of her thoughts; he cringed slightly but waved to her nonetheless. I thought she was going to faint from her shock at his attention.

The brunette was trying to figure out my name. Alex? No he's too hott to be an Alex...What about Sam? No, no, that can't be it. This is difficult... I locked eyes with her, laughing as her thoughts became jumbled. Whoo boy, he has gorgeous eyes...Wait, what was I thinking?

I pulled my attention from the three women back to my brothers. "This place seems really crowded," I mused aloud.

Emmett chuckled, "Yeah, well you know, nine dollar beer night."

Our waitress decide to appear at that moment with our pitcher of beer. Jasper tried to hand her a bill, but she shook her head. "Those women over there took care of it." She pointed back to the girls that had been staring at us moments earlier before walking away.

"Wow, free beer," Emmett said, amazed. "I don't remember much about my human life, but I know free beer is definitely a good thing..."

Jasper and I laughed at him, "Too bad you can't drink it."

He simply shrugged and poured us each a glass before looking back up to the group of girls, beckoning them over to us. A few minutes later, all three women stood before before our table, brilliant smiles spread across their faces.

"Now, you beautiful ladies didn't happen to send us a pitcher, did you?" Jasper spoke, hypnotizing the blond that was staring at him.

"Uh, maybe... I'm Monica, by the way," the brunette giggled, holding out her hand for me to shake. I brought her hand to my lips and placed a kiss on the back, leaving her stunned for a moment. She shook her head before continuing, "That's Megan and Christine," she gestured first to the blond that was still looking at Jasper with glazed over eyes, then to the other blond who was currently curled in Emmett's lap.

Megan and Monica sat down at the table. The girls went through our pitch of beer as well as another and were starting to become a little tipsy. We talked for a while, before I decided enough was enough.

"Em, Jazz, I think Tanya wanted me home by three and it's already two thirty. We better leave soon." My brothers looked to me confused – they knew I wasn't fond of Tanya, at least in the way she was fond of me. It was also near a two and a half hour drive back up to Denali. It was understandable that they would be perplexed.

"Whose Tanya?" Monica asked, jealousy coloring her tone.

I smiled but looked down, pretending to abashed. Emmett and Jasper just shook their heads as I responded, "My wife."

"What?" Monica shrieked. She jumped up from her chair, sending it flying backward before it clattered to the floor. "You have a wife! You...you...bastard!" She then proceeded to throw the contents of her glass into my face. I half-dodged the splash, the majority of the beer hitting Emmett in the face – a small portion landing my shoulder. The sticky amber liquid dripped down his face and pooled on his shirt and jeans. Emmett just sat there, stunned into silence, as Monica and her friends stomped away. Finally, he came back to life.

"Can we leave?" he asked and stood without waiting for a reply. Jasper and I followed him to the jeep, trying unsuccessfully to stifle our laughter. When we finally reached the car, Emmett turned to me. "Edward, you aren't getting into the jeep with that shit all over your shirt."

I swiftly removed my button-down, and jumped into the backseat, closing the door tightly behind me. Jasper slid into the front, staring out the windshield, thinking of Alice. Will she be mad about tonight?

"No," I reassured him, "especially after we tell her about this."

I looked out the window to see Emmett pacing back and forth in an effort to control his anger. After a few minutes, he seemed satisfied that he had subdued his rage. He removed his shirt, threw it in the Dumpster behind the bar, and walked back to the jeep. He was about three yards away when I heard a wolf-whistle from across the street. Emmett head snapped around to face the direction it came from and for an instant he stopped dead in his tracks. Then he took off faster that he should have toward the jeep. He gunned the engine and pulled out onto the street, speeding past the homosexual couple that whistled at him. As we flew by, I heard the one whisper to his partner, "Hey, Chandler, do you think he's straight?"


"Emmett, I-" I began my apology yet again, only to be stopped by my uncontrollable laughter. He growled in response.

I knew that Monica would respond like that, I knew that it would upset her that I "had a wife." I just hadn't expected my brother to also be on the receiving end of her anger. Chandler and his partner were just icing on the cake. I knew I shouldn't be laughing, but the whole situation sent me into hysterics nonetheless. We were already half way home, and Jasper and I still couldn't control our outburst laughter; this was just far too absurd.

"Em, I really am sorry. You know, about Monica and Chandler..." This caused Jasper to crack up again, and I had to bite my lip to keep from doing the same.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Emmett replied. I could practically hear him rolling his eyes. "So what are we doing tomorrow?"

xXxXx
Good? Bad? Personally, I thought it was funny... I snuck one of my favorite quotes from The 40-Year-Old Virgin in there. You get a virtual cake if you can tell me what it is! And please review!