Disclaimer: I own nothing but this storyline and Jackassward! (Thanks Leibeezer for that one). I'd been calling him Doucheward, but that works just as well!
Alright, let's see what Jackassward wants to talk about now...
Chapter 8- Mutual Confusion
"Let go of me," I hissed as I felt a twinge in my wrist. He ignored me, turning and stalking out of the lunchroom, pulling me behind him. And once again, the buzz of speculation and excitement began as the doors closed behind us.
I wondered what he wanted to talk about this time.
"What are you doing?!"
This was the third time I'd asked him, but he still hadn't answered. Instead, he continued to pull me forward, though I couldn't help but noticed that his grip on my wrist had loosened enough so that it didn't hurt as badly.
My feet shuffled and tripped over the grass of the lawn as he pulled me back behind the school, the telltale magnolia tree showing exactly where we were going. He didn't stop until we'd bypassed the building and arrived at the tree. Finally, he let me go, letting me stumble backwards into the trunk.
Any semblance or pretense of calm had left me by now and I glared up at him, practically vibrating with anger.
"Why are you-" I started, but he cut me off.
"What's up with you?" he asked stiffly, not making eye contact with me but staring at some point near my neck.
I blinked in surprise, straightening up against the tree trunk and eyeing him suspiciously. Why would he ask that?
"Nothing," I said cautiously.
"Don't lie. You've been weird for the past few weeks."
"Weird? How so?" I asked, though I already knew what he was talking about.
"You… You just… why are you so docile all of a sudden?" he asked me, running a hand through his hair.
So that's what it was. He wanted to figure out why I wasn't taking his bait. I let out a sigh.
"I thought that's what you told me to do, Edward."
"When?"
"That Thursday. No, actually, all this time. You told me to keep my mouth shut, not ask questions, and do as you say," I said, a little startled at the sudden intensity in his voice.
"Why are you suddenly listening to me?" he asked me a little suspiciously.
"Because it's not worth it."
With those words, his eyes lifted and met mine, and I had to catch my breath. Two weeks of avoidance meant I had also not really taken the time to look at his face, and I was caught off guard by how handsome he was. With his piercing green eyes framed by that unruly bronze hair, his sharp bone structure, and his almost femininely full lips, he was the definition of male perfection. Even I could acknowledge that. It was when he spoke and acted that his attractiveness was tainted.
"What do you mean, not worth it?"
I bit back the sharp retort that came to my lips; he looked genuinely confused. A part of me deep down inside wondered why I could affect him so, but I ignored that part. Truthfully, I was tired of this. The teasing, the barbs, putting forth all the effort to hide how much he affected me...it was all so tiring. I wanted it to be over.
Instead of snapping at him, I took another deep breath and decided to speak the truth. We were actually having a conversation where we weren't arguing or mocking one another. I was going to take advantage of this moment.
"I'm not usually like this, Edward. That day that I yelled at you and slapped you and... and cried like that? I have never been like that in my life. I've never gone out of my way to ignore someone. I'm not angry or emotional all the time. But being around you makes me... not like myself. I can't afford that. So I figured it's better to carry on like I did before you came in my life, just like you are. It's just easier that way."
Edward just stared at me broodingly and I dropped my eyes, swallowing against the sudden tension in the air between us.
"You think I've always been like this?" he asked after a silence that seemed to stretch forever. I raised my eyes to his.
"Haven't you?" At his look of offense, I bristled slightly. "What else am I supposed to think, Edward? The first thing you told me was to watch where I was going. You called me names, you tease me, you've even hurt me a few times, like just now. You're always angry. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Everyone is scared of you, and you push them away on purpose. Hell, even Jasper said you were a bastard! You haven't shown me anything else. And I just can't keep up, Edward. I'm so tired of it. All of it."
Edward's eyes searched mine for a moment before he dropped them, letting out a deep exhale. I watched as his hand ran through his hair and wondered again why he seemed to be so anxious. His anger was still there, but his body had an edge of defeat to it. I thought I saw a flash of pain when he raised his eyes but it was so fleeting I was sure I imagined it.
"I haven't always been like this, Bella. What you lost... I can't get it back or replace it. You know how fucking angry that makes me? And you... Damn it." He let out a frustrated sigh, closing his eyes. "No one has ever talked to me the way that you do." His eyes opened again and he stepped forward. I instinctively stepped back, pinning myself to the rough bark of the tree.
"People just don't do that shit. They don't ask me questions. They don't get in my business. They sure as hell don't talk back, especially when they owe me something. And you did all of those. Then you start ignoring me and shit? Of course I'd get fucking mad!"
He stopped, breathing heavily, and I stood frozen against the tree trunk. He had gotten steadily closer to me as he spoke and the tension between us arced and sparked as he leaned over, placing his arms on either side of my head and effectively caging me in. I stared up, trapped in his gaze as his bright green eyes narrowed and his voice lowered to a quiet, gritty timbre.
"Sometimes I think you do it on purpose. You think I want this? I don't need this shit. I don't need some girl coming around and playing games with me. I don't need anyone getting under my skin, least of all someone like you. You can't keep up? Fucking deal with it, Bella. You don't know the half of it. You... Fuck, you just... What the hell are you doing to me?"
I felt my heart stop and then begin thudding at the question. Adrenaline surged through my veins and my skin tingled at his proximity. But the most prominent feeling was confusion at my own body's reaction. Because I hated Edward. Didn't I?
The thing about hating someone is that whether you like it or not, you end up feeling for that person. They say that there's a thin line between love and hate; while I had no illusions of feeling any kind of love for Edward, I couldn't help but admit that I did feel something for him. When you spend all of your energy hating someone, they eventually begin to become the center of your thoughts. You find yourself distracted by them constantly, hyper aware of their presence, and your emotions become directly tied with theirs. Putting that level of effort into someone else guarantees that, sooner or later, feelings will rise, and that's the predicament I was finding myself in. And now, I was coming to realize that he was too.
I wanted to lie and give him a resounding no. But I had never been very good at lying to myself, much less others. And the truth was, I didn't hate Edward. I didn't feel affection for him, but I didn't only feel apathy either. I felt something, and I didn't know what it was. My mind and my heart were conflicted and I could only stare at him in helpless puzzlement, angry that I was in this state in the first place. Edward's gaze at me was just as confused and angry as I felt, and Jasper's cryptic words hovered between us, only managing to exasperate those feelings.
"I don't know," I finally whispered as truthfully as I could manage. I lifted my eyes to his. "But why does it matter? I'm just a girl who has to pay back a debt. You said it yourself- I don't mean anything to you. Right?"
We stared at each other, locked in stalemate it seemed, until he slowly spoke.
"I don't know," he said.
As we gazed at each other, I knew we both had the same question.
Where does this leave us?
Alright! Progress! Anyone notice something different in how Edward's talking to Bella?
It won't suddenly become unicorns and roses between them. This ain't that kind of story. The line between love and hate isn't that thin, I don't think. But I promise getting there will be worth it!
So, thoughts? Comments? Would love to hear from you.
Thanks for reading.
