Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, blah blah etc. Y'all know it by now.
Many of you are wondering how the ring will turn up. I will just say, it will be back in the story. The how and when, well... that shall remain a mystery.
Thanks to all those who reviewed! And thanks to those who just take the time to read (Though it would be awesome if you reviewed as well. Hehe.)
Alright, onward...
Chapter 9- Unsure
I got to school early the next day after a sleepless night.
"I don't know."
What was that supposed to mean? That he felt something other than just a need to order me around? Or that he couldn't tell if I liked him or not either? I figured it was the first from the look in his eyes, but it was so confusing. I had sat on my bed ever since I had gotten home, trying to do my homework but failing. I had thought I had finally made up my mind, but first Jasper and then Edward had blown that out of the water all in one blow.
So now I was at school twenty minutes early with nothing to do but sit in my car. I sat and watched the other students as they talked and mingled around before class. It seemed like a world far off from me. Ever since I was younger, I had never been good at social things. I suddenly remembered a moment in first grade. I wanted to make friends, but I didn't know how to do it. So one day, while we were at recess and everyone was playing in their groups, I went around to each group quietly and asked, "Do you want to be my friend?" All the boys said no, pushing me away because I might have cooties. But it was the girls who hurt me the most. They all took a look at me and said, "Who would want to be friends with the class nerd?" and went straight back to playing house, coloring, and pretending to read storybooks. So at recess, I had been left alone; while everyone else played, I read the storybooks that I had been able to read since I was three years old. Since then, I had retreated inside of myself more and more, leaning on my brains and school to comfort and accompany myself. I had grown up like that, and soon gotten used to being alone.
But now, for some reason, I was starting to look at others with envy. I watched as girls talked with their friends, smiling and laughing, sometimes huddling furtively to share some secret. I watched the boys as they hung on the steps, talking and pushing each other around, being loud and stealing glances at the girls to see if they were watching. I watched as some couples stood together, smiling happily, some holding hands and others walking with their hands around each other's waists, sharing earphones.
For some reason, Edward's image came in my mind as I watched those couples. I felt a frustrated and somehow longing feeling rise in my heart, one that I hadn't felt since... I didn't even know when.
What is wrong with me?
I shook the image and thoughts out of my head, realizing it was useless to think like that, and looked at my phone, realizing class started in five minutes. I got out of the car to walk up to the door. This time, I was able to ignore the stares of others; I had already gotten used to it. I walked down the hallways, heading to the elevator to head to my first period class. My mind returned to Edward's words again.
"I don't know."
I hadn't settled what he really meant by that even through the long night, and I had a hunch that I wouldn't find out if I asked him. I felt myself both looking forward to and dreading the day.
I arrived in class, my eyes automatically going to Edward's seat. It was empty. I looked at my watch- two minutes before class started. The class began filling up quickly, everyone coming in and taking their seats. I noticed Alice come in and smiled at her, and she smiled back at me a little, nodding her head slightly as she went to her seat in the back. Behind her came Edward.
I felt my heart speed up as he walked to his desk. I didn't know how I should act after what had happened the previous day. I didn't know how he would act either. He continued his usual saunter and sat at his desk, not making eye contact with me, no smirk, nothing. He didn't even glance in my direction. What in the world? I had been expecting something, but not complete and total avoidance.
"Goo… good morning," I ventured slowly. He didn't respond except to glance at me from the side of his eyes and give a quick nod of acknowledgement. He then sat back, setting his feet on either leg of his desk and leaning back, his hands in his pockets.
I looked at him in puzzlement. That was it? I felt let down, as if I had reached the climax of a story only to find out that it was anticlimactic at best. I looked forward, wondering what he was thinking, as the teacher came in and began class.
He was strange for the duration of the entire class; he took out his books for himself, and even took actual notes. And he didn't pay attention to me, not once. When I dropped my pencil, he reached down to pick it up at the same time I did, causing our faces to be really close to one another's.
I gulped as he looked me in the eyes. I couldn't make out what he was thinking behind those green orbs as they stared at me, and I could hardly think myself with his face so close to mine. He sat up slowly, eyes still on mine, and so did I. He handed me my pencil without a word and faced back forward. I faced forward as well, but I could tell that my face had gone red.
When class ended, he packed up and I did as well. Once he finished he sat there, still not looking at me. I stood up, lingering and noticing Alice and several other students looking at us from the doorway weirdly before they left to go their class, but I didn't really care. The class emptied totally and we were the only ones left.
It was silent as I put my backpack on my shoulder. I walked slowly toward the door as he just sat there, hoping he would say something. I had just reached the doorway when I heard his deep voice say, "Aren't you going to get my backpack?"
I turned around to see him staring at me with that unreadable expression on his face again. I walked slowly to his desk and picked his backpack up.
"You're still being quiet?" he asked me.
"I…don't have anything to say," I said, shifting on my feet awkwardly. He looked at me for a while longer, then stood up, walking around me.
"Okay," he said simply, leaving me in the classroom.
~*TEM*~
I sat at the lunch table, chewing on my pizza and pondering in my mind. Edward had been different all morning, staring at me, not ordering me around…. It felt like he was watching out for something. I didn't know how to behave, since I was still confused about how I felt, and I had never been in this type of situation before.
"Hey, Bella!" a deep voice with a southern drawl said, and I snapped out of it to see Jasper sitting with me again, his smile reaching to his bright blue eyes.
"Are you going to make this a habit?" I asked him, glad I didn't have anything for him to snatch from me.
"Maybe," he said, getting his fork out out to eat.
We ate in comfortable silence until I asked him, "Did Edward…. Say anything?"
"Say anything? Like what?" He looked up from his tray, his eyes alight with interest beneath the shaggy dirty blond mess of his hair.
"Nothing, it's nothing," I said hastily. What would getting him involved do?
"You sure?" he asked, eyeing me. I nodded, then thought of the question I'd been wanting to ask him.
"That thing that I lost…. Was it really that important to Edward?"
Jasper's face immediately became a little bit closed off and he studied me for a second before answering slowly. "I'd say it's important to him, yes."
"How important?"
"Pretty important," he said. "Let's just say it's something with a value that can't be measured by money." My confusion must have shown on my face because he asked, "You've never had anything like that?"
I deflected the question back to him; I didn't really want to answer it. "Have you?"
"Sure I have," he said simply, starting to eat again.
"What was it?" I asked curiously.
He looked up. "He was right; you do ask a lot of questions," he said. I felt my face register my surprise at the statement but he went on before I could really process the thought. "It's a toy."
"A toy? Are you joking?"
"No!" he said a little indignantly. "It's a model airplane that I made with my grandfather when I was six. We were really close and were always doing stuff like that together. He passed away the next year, so I've kept it since then."
He looked down and after a moment of slightly tense silence I quietly apologized for upsetting him. For all that he seemed to be an easygoing guy, I was sensing that Jasper was more complicated than he let on. Still waters run deep, as the saying goes.
"It's okay," he said, giving me a small smile that didn't light up his eyes like it usually did. "But it's things like that that you can't put a price on, no matter what you do."
I thought about that. So something like that couldn't be measured in terms of money? Well, it couldn't really. How could you put a price on something you made with your grandfather? Something like that was worth way more than what monetary gain you could make for it. Logically, it didn't make sense.
"But you really haven't had anything like that?" Jasper asked again. I thought about it; my grandparents had never been a part of my life, and I certainly hardly got anything from my mom. Actually, I had never really gotten anything from anyone. I shook my head, feeling like I was missing out on something that was special somehow. I felt like I had this morning. Abnormal and alone.
"You're wondering what you lost now, aren't you?" he asked, and I nodded reluctantly. He was quiet for a moment, chewing contemplatively. He opened his mouth as if to say something but stopped himself, shaking his head. "It's not my place to say. Maybe you should ask him yourself."
"Somehow, I knew you would say that," I said, resuming eating my food.
Just then, I got a text message.
From: Edward
Meet me for lunch.
"Sorry, Jasper, but I have to go," I said. For once I didn't care about breaking rules. I just wanted some answers and to figure out what I was feeling.
"Don't worry about me. Go on," he said, smiling and waving his fork. With a parting smile, I left.
~*TEM*~
"Why are you so late?" Edward asked me as I slipped into his car.
"Sorry… I didn't know you were getting lunch today. And I got caught up talking to Jasper at the lunch table," I said, turning to put my seat belt on. He just grunted, not moving the car. I looked at him questioningly but he didn't say anything, sitting there and looking forward, his hands on the steering wheel loosely. It was quiet, and I decided to make conversation. Just as I opened my mouth, he spoke, glancing at me as he did.
"Why were you eating with Jasper?"
"He's been coming to sit at my table," I said. "He's really nice."
"Yea," Edward said shortly.
"Then… where are we going for lunch today?" I asked after a moment of silence.
"I don't know. Probably McDonalds," he replied, still not moving. We were quiet for a while, and I took a second to enjoy the moment. The silence seemed to stretch out all around us as we both sat in the car, the only sound the steady purr of the engine. I didn't know what he was thinking, or why he had been like this since earlier, but I didn't feel tense like I had been all morning; instead, I took time to look out around me.
It was still in the parking lot, filled with cars of different colors, brands, and quality. The school building stretched tall in front of us, with its dark red brick patterns and black borders around the windows. The lawn was large and green, stretching far, with sudden bursts of flowers here and there, though everything was fading because of the impending cool weather of fall. I could see a yard worker working in the distance, trekking across the lawn slowly. I then turned to Edward.
I let my eyes trace over his features; his flat, slightly broad forehead, his thick, straight eyebrows that matched his bronze hair. In between those eyebrows were slight frown lines, as if he had something on his mind all the time, something worrying him. Come to think of it, it was probably those lines that added to the sometimes sad look I saw in his eyes, as if he had some huge burden he didn't want to show or share with anyone. My eyes continued on, looking at his long eyelashes and those clear jade eyes that I still couldn't read. They ran over his high, sharp cheekbones and then his long, straight nose down to his sharp jawline. He was all hard angles and masculine planes...until my eyes focused on his lips. They were so pink and surprisingly delicate on his slightly harsh-looking face, the bottom and top lip full, and strangely enticing. He was an intriguing mixture of feminine and devastatingly masculine. Again I was amazed at how handsome he was, and confused at the maelstrom of feelings that coursed through me as I continued my perusal.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
His voice broke my reverie and I felt my face flush as I realized I'd basically been ogling him. He turned to me, trapping me in his gaze as he waited for his answer.
"I'm just looking," I said.
"Why?"
"What did you mean when you said 'I don't know' yesterday?" I asked him in turn, not looking away.
He studied me for a moment longer and then looked away. "I meant what I said."
"What don't you know?"
"Aren't you supposed to be super smart or something?" His voice was slightly snide and I battled down my instinctive inclination to snap back at him, taking a deep breath instead to calm myself before answering. Getting angry wouldn't get us anywhere. And I was beginning to think that maybe I wanted to get somewhere with Edward.
"Maybe," I said. "But I'm human. I can't read your mind. And sometimes, smart people have things they need to be clarified too," I finished, still not dropping my eyes from his. He was quiet as he stared at me, his eyes shifting, and it felt like my entire equilibrium was hanging on the answer he would give. And that's when I realized how I felt about him. I liked him.
The fact that he pushed me away only made me want to know. I wanted to know why he had those slight frown lines on his otherwise smooth forehead. I wanted to know why he was so closed off that the only emotions he showed were cynicism or anger, rarely letting his smiles come through. I wanted to know why he seemed to let me in, only to push me away, yet keep me by his side. He appealed to me in a way that no one else had- he appealed to my mind.
Because I was smart, almost no one had ever taken an interest in me. And as a result, I never took an interest in anyone to protect myself from the rejection of others. But the fact that he could awaken that interest that I had been suppressing made me want to know what it was about him that did so.
Then there was the fact that he could set my heart racing just by talking, just by looking at me. All I had to do was look at him, and I'd feel a strange heat come over my body. He made feelings course through me that I'd only read about in the romance novels I secretly read. Even though I kept telling myself that I didn't know how I felt about him, that I hated him, I'd done things so that he would talk to me and pay attention to me- retorting when he told me what to do, challenging him when he tried to shut me out. Ignoring him while secretly hoping that he would pay more attention to me. I did things so that he would tease me, coming closer and staring into my eyes, and dropping his deep voice so that it felt like he was talking to me alone. All of it was because I liked him. I liked a guy who I knew nothing about, and not knowing anything drew me to him even more.
So I sat, waiting for his answer. I could tell he was really thinking so I didn't push him, deciding to hold my breath and wait.
"What I meant was," Edward said, "I don't know what to do with you." I questioned him with my eyes, not wanting to talk and break the moment.
He thought more, and then spoke again. "Everyone stays away from me," he said slowly. "Everyone except Jasper, and he's known me since I was younger. Everyone is scared of me; I know that. That's how it's always been. But you're different."
I swallowed, biting back my instinct to ask him how I was different, knowing that if I demanded anything from him right then he would close up, and I would lose this moment.
"There is a reason everyone stays away from me, and why I keep them away," he said, not taking his eyes from mine. "But you… you just stick around," he finished, his now dark gaze filled with emotions I couldn't define. But I could make out something close to frustration as he looked at me.
"No one besides Jasper has ever stuck around me before, so I just…. I don't know," he finished. I took a deep breath and decided it was my turn to talk; my heart pounded in fear that he would shut back down but I knew I had to take this chance, knowing I hadn't wanted to be around a person this badly before.
"You said that you didn't need someone like me around you. Do you really hate me that much?" I asked softly. I held my breath and his gaze as I waited for his answer.
The only sound in the car was the rhythm of his fingertips tapping the steering wheel lightly. It felt like the sound reverberated through the car as I saw his eyes in turmoil, his jaw slightly clenched like he was battling himself. Then, slowly, I saw something solid take hold in his eyes, calming them down.
My heart pounded as he, still not looking at me, said, "No. I don't think I hate you at all."
Duh duh duuuuh! Okay, that was corny, I know.
Ah, these two. So much confusion, honestly.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Maybe you could press that review button and let me know what you thought!
Would love to hear from you. Thanks for reading.
