At the rehab, nothing had changed.
Ian laid on his bed, bundled up tightly in his sheets and blanket, his back to Anthony. He remained silent and still, only the subtle movement of his chest rising and falling showed any sign of life.
Anthony sighed, dragging a chair beside Ian's bed. He sat down and put his face in his hands. "It'd be nice if you'd talk to me today, Ian."
Ian did not reply, but he could sense the edge to Anthony's voice. He'd heard it before and it meant that he was very upset.
"Kalel and I had our biggest fight since...well, since ever," Anthony went on, ignoring Ian's silence, "she's really mad at me right now...but, I'm not too happy with her, either."
Ian's ears perked up at this. For the four years they'd been together, Anthony and Kalel had never had what one would call a 'big' fight. A few times, they'd argued, but Anthony usually allowed Kalel to have her way whenever necessary, was was quite often. This was definitely new.
"She's mad because I keep coming to see you. I guess I can kind of see why," Anthony said, playing absentmindedly with a loose thread on his skinny jeans, "but I wouldn't have to if you'd just talk to me."
Guilt washed over Ian. As much as he hated Kalel, he didn't want Anthony to suffer from his actions.
Or did he?
Ian rolled his eyes. Not only am I an insane, emo, faggot, but I'm also a freaking sadist. Great.
"I know you're not happy with me," Anthony said, sighing, "I don't know what I did, but whatever it is, I'm sorry. Just...Ian, please don't shut me out," Anthony paused, his voice starting to break.
The pain in Ian's heart deepened.
Anthony's tone began to raise tremendously. "Ian, please! Yell at me, scream at me, kick my ass, call me the worst friend ever! Just don't ignore me for God's sake!"
With that, Anthony broke down, sobbing into his hands. His arms rested on his knees and his legs wobbled. There was a deep ache in his chest and his head was throbbing. He was utterly sick of everything. Kalel, Ian, Melanie, and trying to be strong when he very obviously could not be. He bit his lip, to choke back the deep cries emanating from his throat.
Slowly, Ian turned around and took in a short breath, shocked to see Anthony in the state he was in. It brought tears to his eyes to see his best friend that way, but what hurt him even more was that he was the cause of it. Tentatively, Ian outreached his hand toward the other man. Very softly, his fingers brushed Anthony's arm. Startled, Anthony jumped.
"W-what?" he asked, dropping his arms to his sides and looking up to gaze at Ian. "Ian!"
Before the blue-eyed man could react, Anthony had wrapped his arms around him in a huge hug.
Ian's eyes shut immediately, relishing not only the feeling of the strong arms enveloping him so tightly, but also his smell and just Anthony. He'd missed him so much lately. Not only at his wedding and honeymoon, but ever since he'd moved out and to LA. It hadn't been the same since then.
Reluctantly, he pulled away and looked up to chocolate brown eyes boring into his blue ones.
"Ready to talk?" Anthony asked, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
Ian sighed, nodding.
Anthony eyed Ian hard. "Don't hold anything back, Ian. Whatever it is you have to say to me, say it. I promise I can handle it."
Ian swallowed the lump in his throat. "I-It's not you...," he trailed off. He realized at this moment that he could very easily reveal his feelings for Anthony right now. With his vulnerable state, Ian could pretty much get away with anything and he highly doubted that Anthony would physically harm him with him already being suicidal and in rehab.
But when he opened his mouth, the truth just couldn't pour out.
"What is it then?" Anthony asked, "why would you try to kill yourself? And why wouldn't you talk to me for so long?"
Ian let out a long breath and propped his chin up in his hand. "I...It's just that I've been feeling really down lately. Like, You got married, Lasercorn got married, Joven has Erin, Mari has Sohinki, Sohinki has Mari, Melanie has Mark...And then there's me. I literally have no one. I just feel like I'm gonna be alone forever." Ian felt better after saying this, mostly because
Anthony shook his head, frowning deeply. "No, Ian! That is so not true. Look, you're really nice and cool and funny and well, you're not bad looking either-"
Ian blushed fiercely at this.
Anthony continued. "You'll definitely find someone, man. You...You just haven't found the right girl yet."
Funny that he said girl, Ian thought to himself. Though Ian was certain that he was gay (if only for Anthony), no one else knew, except for Melanie, of course. Ian had never outrightly told her, but one could only assume.
"I...It's just that ever since Melanie and I broke up, I've kind of given up. I mean, we were together seven years, Anthony. You don't just move on from that."
Anthony nodded. "But Ian, that is no reason to try and kill yourself! She still loves you and more importantly, the fans love you. And they need you, Ian. Smosh wouldn't be Smosh without you. And what about everybody at Smosh games? What would happen to 'Iancorn' and you and Mari's meme talk? And who will bother Sohinki about DOTA? Joven about how bad he is at games? And...," Anthony trailed off.
"And what?" Ian asked, leaning forward.
Anthony's eyes darted to the floor. "What about me, Ian? You're the only best friend I've ever had. Actually, for a long time, you were the only friend I had. I love you, man. I know that sounds sappy and weird, but it's true. And honestly, I need you here as much as everyone else. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you." As he finished, his eyes grew watery.
Ian bit his lip, feeling tears prick to his eyes. "I...Anthony, I didn't exactly try to kill myself," he lied.
Sniffing, Anthony asked, "you didn't?"
"No," Ian replied, "I took the Oxycontin to just...Take the pain away," he finished.
Anthony swallowed. "There are other ways to cope, Ian."
"I know, Anthony, but-"
"But nothing!" Anthony interjected, "Look, I can't lose my best friend. No, I won't lose my best friend. I won't. So I really, really need you to get better, okay?"
Ian sighed, nodding.
"And I'll be here every day if you need me-"
Ian shook his head, interrupting Anthony. "No, Anthony. You need to get back to LA and be with Kalel. She misses you, I'm sure."
Ian felt a lump forming in his throat and he sank his teeth into his bottom lip. He could understand how Kalel felt, as much as he hated her, due to the fact that he was away from Anthony so often. It killed him, as it must have killed her, too.
But at least Anthony had chosen her. He'd made all of her dreams come true by marrying her. Ian would never experience that and it made him hate her all the more. She was being selfish about something that was already hers. It made Ian absolutely sick to his stomach to even think about her, but he wanted Anthony to be happy, even if it meant not being with him. And for whatever insane reason, Anthony loved Kalel. Therefore, he had to consider her feelings.
Anthony shook his head. "She's fine. Evelina, Joey, Meghan, and David are all there with her. And so are the cats. She'll be fine," he assured Ian.
"But-"
"No buts," Anthony repeated, "it's fine. She will be fine. She doesn't need me around all the time."
Ian smiled at Anthony, the first genuine smile he'd had in quite some time. "Okay, Ant. If you say so."
Anthony grinned, the dimples in his cheeks turning pink. "You just called me Ant. You haven't done that in forever."
Ian shrugged, flopping back down on his bed. The conversation with Anthony had exhausted him - physically, emotionally, and mentally - and he was just ready to get to sleep.
"Tired, huh?" Anthony asked, beaming and watching as Ian began to burrow underneath his sheets and blanket.
Ian nodded. "This place is excruciating."
"I know," Anthony smiled, "but it's only to make you better, okay? Just...Try to make the best of it. And for God's sake, talk to your friends when they come to see you."
Ian yawned. "Whatever, man. My end date's coming up soon, anyway."
There was a knock on the door, the customary signal that visiting hours were almost up.
Anthony sighed, standing up. He really didn't want to leave, especially whenever he'd made so much progress with Ian. However, he knew that this was the routine and Ian did indeed need his rest.
"I'll see you Monday, Ian," Anthony said softly.
Looking down, he saw that his best friend was asleep. He couldn't help but notice how cute he looked while he was sleeping. Arms draped over the pillow, eyes shut, cheeks pink, and the faintest hint of a smile on his lip.
He smiled before leaning down and pressing his lips against Ian's forehead. "Bye Ian," he whispered.
