Just so readers know, this is NOT meant to accurately portray the characters. It is meant to be funny. Enjoy :) Also, this chapter is rated T. No haters, please!


IV

Golbez hummed to himself as he mixed the batter for his blackberry cake.

"Brother! I love you!" a familiar voice called.

"Just because you say you love me, Cecil, does not mean that you get to eat my cake."

"Then can I at least help you make the cake, brother?"

"No, Cecil. Sometimes a man must make his own cake."

"Then may I lick the spoon, brother?"

"No, Cecil. It is my fate to lick the spoon," Golbez clutched the batter-covered spoon close, his face darkened into a scowl, "No sharing, Cecil."

"You're just being stingy, brother!" Cecil turned out of the kitchen, "MOTHER! GOLBEZ IS BEING A YELLOW-BELLIED TURD-MUFFIN!"

Golbez looked stricken. He accidently smeared some of the cake batter on his cheek.

A moment later, Mrs. Harvey shuffled into the room. She had her wispy red hair in her trademark curlers, was in her blue and white mumu, and she looked very comfortable in her pink house shoes. The tiny woman glared up at Golbez and shook a finger, "GOLBEYEZ," she scolded, her voice raspy and thick with a Jewish accent, "I HOPE YOU'RE NOT BULLYIN' YER BRUTHUH, AGAIN. HE'S THE BAYBEE. HE'S DELICATE."

"But Mother!" Golbez cried.

"I'm a grown man, Mother!" Cecil whined, "I'm not a baby anymore."

"HUSH UP, CECIL. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY BAYBEE, NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU GET. NOW PICK ME UP SO I CAN GIVE YOU A KISS."

Cecil picked his mother up and she planted a large wet kiss on his cheek, leaving a dark imprint of her lipstick. Golbez watched the exchange somewhat jealously.

"May I have a kiss, too, Mother?" he asked.

"NOT UNTIL YOU QUIT BULLYIN' YER BRUTHUH AND CLEAN YOUR FACE. YER FATHER WAS THE SAME. HE NEVER COULD EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT IT COVERING HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE. I SWEAR, I COULDN'T TAKE THE MAN ANYWHERE BUT THE BEDROOM."

Golbez cringed, "Mother! That is hardly appropriate!"

Cecil snickered.

"NOW, CECIL'S FATHUH ON THE OTHER HAND. HE WAS SO CLASSY I HARDLY KNEW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!"

Cecil's face fell. Not the stories.

"I REMEMBER ONCE-" Mrs. Hardy started.

"I think that's enough, Mother," Cecil interrupted.

"OKAY, SWEETIE-PIE. NOW, GOLBEYEZ, ARE YOU GONNA LET YOUR BRUTHUH HELP YOU WITH THE CAKE?"

"But Mother! Sometimes a man must make his own cake!"

"That's just an excuse, brother! You just don't like sharing!" Cecil cried.

"That's not true! You, uh, can have a piece after the cake is done, Cecil!" Golbez dodged, glancing down at his mother. She raised a penciled eyebrow.

"And you can help me decorate the cake, Cecil!"

"Really, brother?" Cecil asked, a shine in his eyes.

"Yes, Cecil," Golbez sighed as his mother nodded approvingly and left the room.

"YOU BOYS PLAY NICE."


After the cake came out of the oven and cooled, it had to be decorated. Even by itself, it was a lovely cake. The boys did a nice job of baking it (though Golbez had to force down many insults and scolds to his brother).

The time had come to frost the cake. Cecil eagerly brought out the icing from the pantry, but Golbez halted him, "No, Cecil. I must make my own icing," he told him.

"You mean WE must make OUR own icing, brother," Cecil corrected.

"No, Cecil. I meant ME," Golbez replied.

Cecil's lip quivered and his eyes began to water, "But brother!"

"NO, Cecil."

"Brother, I want to help!"

"But I must make the icing by myself. It is my destiny to finish the cake alone, Cecil," Golbez asserted.

"It doesn't have to be, brother. We can do it together with the heartwarming power of teamwork!" Cecil insisted.

"NO, CECIL. That is my final word. I must finish the cake alone," Golbez snapped.

Cecil's lip quivered harder. He began to open his mouth, "MO-"

Golbez quickly covered his girly brother's mouth with his massive hand, "NO! Shhh! What mother doesn't know won't hurt her-"

Cecil shook himself free of Golbez's firm grip somehow, "MOTHER! GOLBEZ IS BEING A MEANY-FACED FART NUGGET!"

"GOOOOOOOLLLLLBBBBEEEEYYEEEZZZ!"

Mrs. Hardy began shuffling into the kitchen as fast as her house shoes could go. She pointed a bony finger at the larger son, "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO INCLUDE YOUR BAYBEE BRUTHA IN YOUR COOKING ORDEAL!" she scolded.

"Mother," Golbez stuttered, "I allowed him to assist me in completing the baking part…"

"But brother will not let me ice the cake with him and complete decorating it!" Cecil whined.

Mrs. Hardy leered at Golbez with her cold eyes. "HE HAS TO HELP YOU FINISH THE CAKE."

"But mother, you do not understand… I must finish this in solitude," Golbez stammered.

"But I told him that it would be better if we did it together," Cecil added.

Mrs. Hardy threw her hands into the air. "YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER! ALWAYS HAVING TO DO THINGS ALONE! WHY COULDN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE CECIL'S FATHER? ALWAYS SO KIND AND GENTLE… AND A PALADIN!"

"Mother, you know that I can't help that…" Golbez said pathetically.

"SURE YOU CAN! YOU JUST GOTTA TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND. BE LIKE BAYBEE CECIL. HE'S MADE ME SOOOOO PROUD…" she goggled. She playfully punched Cecil's thigh (she couldn't reach his shoulder).

Golbez shrunk away, "Not this again…"

"CECIL'S FATHER WAS A HERO… BECAUSE HE WAS A PALADIN, Y'KNOW. NOT LIKE YOUR FATHER… HE WAS A DARK KNIGHT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? ME HOOKIN' UP WITH A DARK KNIGHT? I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF. I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT IF THE PROOF WEREN'T SITTING IN FRONT OF ME…" she paused a moment. "HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ABOUT HOW YOU WERE CONCEIVED?"

Cecil tried to run away, but Mrs. Hardy leapt up and grabbed his ear and pulled him back. "Ow- mother, I don't- ow- want to-owowow-know…" Cecil pleaded.

"Mother, please… no more stories…" Golbez begged.

"WELL, Y'SEE, I WAS A MAID IN THE CASTLE, BUT NOBODY TOOK ME HIGHLY, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN," she gestured to her height. "BUT THERE WAS THIS ONE DARK KNIGHT WHO TRIED TO HAVE HIS WAY WITH ME! I TOLD HIM NO, BUT HE WAS MASSIVE AND I'M NOT THE STRONGEST."

"Wait, mother," Golbez gasped, "I was an illegitimate child?"

"SO THEN," she continued, completely ignoring Golbez, "…WELL, IT WAS RAPE… AT FOIST. IT WASN'T SO BAD AFTER ABOUT 15 SECONDS."

Golbez's mouth was agape in disbelief. Cecil sported a similar look.

"OH, IT WAS GREEEEEAT," she reminisced. "SO WE SAW EACH OTHER AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AG-"

"That's enough mother," Golbez interjected.

"BUT I AIN'T DONE YET," she said. She scowled at Golbez again, "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY. BUT YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER! YOU DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO ANYTHING THAT I HAVE TO SAY! HE NEVER LISTENED TO ME. IT WAS JUST, 'LET'S GO TO BED, GLADYS,' OR 'LET'S SEE THEM HAMS, GLADYS,' OR 'MAKE ME A SAMMICH, WOMAN!' AND MY NAME ISN'T EVEN GLADYS."

Golbez looked thoroughly horrified. Cecil had his hands over his ears.

"CECIL…NOW YOUR CONCEPTION WAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY…" she began again.

Cecil waved his hands, "Oh, mother, that's lovely, but you're about to miss The Wheel of Fortune. I do think that you would go like to sit and watch it now…?" he said with a slightly begging undertone.

"OY VEY, BAYBEE CECIL, YOU'RE RIGHT!" she began shuffling away again. "I'M GONNA GO WATCH MY SHOW. YOU BOYS PLAY NICE, NOW…"

Cecil watched after her, "She already said that," he muttered. He turned back to Golbez only to see that the cake was frosted and decorated in a beautiful fashion, "Brother! You finished the cake without me!"

Golbez chuckled and took a lick of the frosting spoon, "I know, Cecil. Mother's story rambled as it usually does, so that gave me enough time to finish the cake. She didn't notice because she's as blind as a bat."

"I HOID THAT, GOLBEYEZ!"

Golbez scowle,. "And she's got the ears of a bat, too."

Cecil gave a pitiful frown, "May I have a piece of cake, brother?'

Golbez pulled out his phone. "One moment, Cecil. I must Instagram this…" there was a flash from the phone and Golbez smiled evill,. "No one's cake can compare to mine… hashtag epic hashtag blackberry frosting."

"Now may I have a piece of cake, brother?"

"You may, Cecil."