A cup of coffee can never be perfect. I know that more than enough.
Sometimes, there's too much cream, too much milk, too much sugar. It dilutes the essence of the coffee; the grinds. The buzz you get is lesser, and it's always not hot enough. All the side ingredients make it cold, and when that happens, you find yourself wanting something much simpler, something that doesn't take much effort to make sure all the contents go together nicely.
In a way, that type of coffee is just like Butters, or Clyde. They constantly smothered me with hugs, kisses, "I love you" exchanges, PDA and too-quick proposals. It genuinely felt suffocating as there were just too many things going on. It also felt a bit cold. Not as if there was no warmth, in an emotional sense, but it was like I was never allowed a dip in a slightly hotter and less complicated setting, because I was always pulled back. Back to the lukewarm love that never fulfilled me enough.
There's another coffee where the sole ingredient is coffee grinds, and hot water. And you love it, because it is coffee in its pure, unfiltered form. The passion and intensity alone gives you such a spark you find yourself addicted to it. But it's too hot, and it can hurt you, scold your tongue to keep you from speaking up or spilling out your feelings. What else? It's much too bitter, the ferocity soon dies down, and without any other special ingredients to sweeten it, or tone it down, it gets dull, repetitive, too physical, and the energy it used to give you goes to waste as you yearn for more than just that.
It reminds me of Craig. He lacked in empathy, in care, and he only used me for sex. It was wild, and I was tempted beyond belief. But there was no caring there, no connection. With Butters and Clyde, I felt safe, secure. That wasn't good, of course, as they felt more like over-protective mothers, but, anyway, I never felt even a sliver of that with Craig. He hurt me again and again as my emotions betrayed me and made me desire for a more stable, loving relationship. I never got. Not even the adrenaline that rushed through my heart, my broken heart, could keep me trying to break through to him. It simmered down, just like Craig.
I've dated a lot of people. Boys and girls! I don't want to list them all, because it doesn't matter really. They never seemed to differ much, except if they were in contradicting categories.
Love can never be perfect. I know that more than enough.
But I keep searching for it anyway.
