Susan tried to run away from Rabadash, horrified to see the man she had nightmares of for so long in front of her once more.

"My lady, please! Do you not think I must have changed if Aslan allows me in his country? And you know the Great Lion would know my heart and intentions, and if they were what you before knew them to be, he would never have allowed me to see you again."

The love in Rabadash's voice when he spoke of Aslan calmed Susan, even though her heart was still pounding from fear. That, and the lack of oily Calormene speech. And, now she noticed his common clothes, a far cry for the clothes of a Tisroc. This certainly was not the Rabadash she was familiar with.

"And who are you?" she asked, looking over the other Calormene to waste time before having to face Rabadash.

"May it please your majesty, my name is Emeth," he said, kneeling on both knees in from of her and crossing a hand over his heart. Susan signaled for him to rise, which he did, even though he still kept his head bent. "Even though I have searched for Tash and been a Calormene soldier fighting against Narnians my whole life, the Great and Merciful Aslan saw fit to allow me, an accursed barbarian, into his illustrious country. He said that I would not have worked so long or hard to find Tash if I had not been searching for him."

"And you understood him?" Susan asked.

"Not entirely, but I was gladdened by his presence and was inspired to stay by what I had heard of Narnian legends," Emeth said, before his eyes shifted guiltily, his face turning. He quickly looked away from her. Susan sighed, knowing that look in boys, but she wasn't genuinely upset with him.

"Well, we welcome you to Narnia, Sir Emeth, " Susan said gently, falling into the role of queen without even realizing it. She extended her hand towards him.

"Thank you, your majesty," Emeth said, bowing low and kissing her hand.

"And you?" Susan said, turning to Rabadash and raising an eyebrow. She was rather surprised that he had stood by patiently while she talked with Emeth.

"Come, my queen. Let's eat," Rabadash said rather cheerfully. Susan's eyebrows rose high. Rabadash cheerful? Forget that this would be an unusual situation for anyone to be cheerful in. Susan had never seen the Calormen genuinely smile even when he did have something to be happy about. "You must be starving."

Susan allowed him to lead her to the table and seat her. She was pleased to see the food was Narnian, not Calormene fare. "Tisroc," she began.

"Please your majesty, just Rabadash," he said, lifting a hand to stop her. "The title Tisroc is for one who belongs to Tash, and I belong to Aslan now, which is why I am allowed in Aslan's country."

"Yes, about that. What happened?" she said, getting to the heart of the matter. Rabadash stared guiltily at his food, understanding her implied accusation. After a moment, he began his tale.

"Because I could not leave the city for fear of being turned back into a donkey, I withdrew into myself and became more of a scholar. Soon I turned to reading the great works of the other countries, starting with Narnia. I must admit though, at first my main motivation in doing so was in hopes of impressing you someday. But the more I read, the more I regretted my actions and understood yours. I decided I would try to rebuild relationships between our countries, in hopes that mine would learn from yours. But I was too late. The only response to my apology that I sent was it being returned with a note saying the four of you were gone. My father's spies confirmed it. I began reverting to my old, cruel ways out of bitterness. But then, he came to me."

"He?" Susan asked, although she already knew who it must be. Who else could change a person's heart so much?

"Aslan. He told me that you were not dead but merely returned to the home of your ancestors. I asked him to bring my apology to you, but he refused. Instead, he told me I could see you again once you had died in his country if I saw the error of my ways and repented. I asked him how and he told me I already knew in my heart."

"Did you?" Susan asked quietly.

"I tried. But the Calormene Tarkaans and Tarkheenas were resistant to the changes I tried to bring about once I was Tisroc."

"Of course they would be," Susan said disapprovingly. "What sort of changes?"

"I tried to alleviate the conditions of the slaves throughout Calormen. I gave all of my own slaves their freedom. I also banned human sacrifice, although it still often happened and the ban wasn't enforced well. I… I also married… a common slave girl from the Lone Islands who had been captured and sold to one of my brothers. I fell in love with her. She actually reminded me of you. She never lost her Lone Islander, Narnian ideals. She refused to follow commands, insisted on being treated equal to men, opposed the idea of slavery. She despised me at first, but when I freed all my slaves, she began to view my differently and asked if she could help me in my crusade to change Calormen."

"Will I get the chance to meet her?" Susan asked, some warmth returning to her voice. She was eager to meet this girl.

"We live in the Lone Islands which is also part of Aslan's country, where her old family home exists again. Emeth and a few other Calormens also live there, but most of the Calormens who made it to Aslan's country still feel more comfortable in this world's Calormen."

"I will be sure to visit you then," Susan said with a light smile.

"So… you forgive me?" Rabadash asked anxiously.

"If what you tell me is true," Susan said genuinely. "Then I forgive you whole heartedly." Rabadash bowed his head in acceptance.

"But the real question is, do you forgive yourself?" Emeth asked. He had been so quiet that Susan had almost forgot that he was there. But his question hurt her. She didn't know. Forgiveness was something she had never had an issue with. In fact, she had hardly ever thought for more than a second before forgiving another. That was why she had a reputation as the Gentle Queen. The Gentle and the Just, always working together to help criminals find the pathway to redemption, rather than punishment. But to forgive herself was another matter entirely. She saw what they were trying to do. She understood their arguments. But did they not see the standards she held herself to? And there was nothing she could do to earn forgiveness as Rabadash had. She crossed her arms across her body and shook her head. Rabadash looked desperately over at Emeth, clearly not expecting that response.

"I'm afraid I am rather tired. Is there a place I could retire for the night?" Susan asked, folding her hands in her lap.

"Oh course, your majesty," Rabadash said reluctantly. Both men rose and led her to a nearby house. Rabadash said, "We will leave you now. Farewell." They both bowed and left her. Susan hesitantly knocked on the door, not knowing who to expect next. She heard someone seeming to knock something over in their haste to get to the door. The door opened and she was confused to see Caspian standing there with a childish grin on his face at the sight of her.

"Queen Susan," Caspian said. He began to embrace her, then pulled back when he realized that she didn't respond in kind and had stiffened. "Sorry, my queen."

Susan laughed bitterly. "Why would you apologize to me? I'm the one who forgot Narnia, who treated you as Xavier horridly, who ran away –"

"Whoa, slow down there. I was talking about embracing you when it was clear you didn't want it. I – I don't want to do anything to you that you are not comfortable with," Caspian said, wringing his hands together to resist the temptation to touch her. Susan saw and took his hands in hers gently. Caspian would never have said so, but he was relieved and elated to have her comforting him. He would never pressure her in any way to do anything she might be uncomfortable with, but he had longed for her for so long that even this touch felt like pure bliss.

"I feel rather tired. Will you still be here when I wake, or will you disappear like a dream again?" Susan teased, remembering the nights he was "in her dreams."

"I'll be here, your majesty. I promise," Caspian said, lifting her hand and kissing it softly. She smiled as he let go.

"Oh, and Caspian?" she said, a teasing glint suddenly in her eye. Caspian had no clue what caused that glint, but his spirits soared. She was acting like herself again. It couldn't be long now until she was able to retake her place as queen.

"Yes, your majesty?"

"Well, two things actually. Number one, stop referring to me by my title," she said, with a mockingly disapproving look. Caspian chuckled and nodded with a grin.

"And number two?"

"Do my brothers know about this? It seems highly inappropriate that we should sleep alone under the same roof," she said.

Caspian smiled and hugged her. "I'm glad you're acting like your old self again. And yes, they know. They have the executioner ready in case I try take advantage of you at all."

"I'm shocked! They aren't planning on doing it themselves?" Susan gasped in mock disbelief, knowing he was joking.

Caspain chuckled. "Well, it's not like there would be much left of me to kill. I'm pretty sure if I forced myself on you, you would strangle me before they would have a chance to get to me." Susan laughed and hugged him back.

"You bet I would," she teased. She then grew somber. "Caspian, why are you here?"

"Do you not want me here?" he said, the pain apparent in his eyes. Susan quickly comforted him by running her fingers through his hair.

"Yes, of course… but everyone else was here for a purpose. Liliandel, it seemed to be telling me that the Narnians did not blame me for what happened and wanted my return. And letting me know that you were still available," she said, stroking Caspian's hair when she mentioned him. He hesitantly reached for her hair. She noticed his hesitation and nodded with a sly grin. He smiled and began stroking her hair slowly, savoring each stroke.

"And then Ed and Eustace. They were reminding me of when we forgave them so easily without a second thought. And then Rabadash and Emeth, letting me know Aslan's country is for all who repent their ways. But why are you here?"

"I'm here for you," Caspian said evenly, evading the actual question. "You should rest. It's been a long day."

"Answer my question first," Susan insisted.

"Hm… I don't think you quite understood the full reason why they came to help you," Caspian said hesitantly. "But come, rest always helps."

Susan frowned, but nodded and Caspian led her to a back room. He took her hand gingerly into his and said, "Goodnight… my love." He bowed and kissed her hand. He then let go reluctantly and turned to leave.

After a few steps, Susan called out, "Caspian! Wait." He paused and turned around. She quickly closed the small distance between them.

"Yes?"

"I… I just…"

He took her hands into his again and pulled her in close, his eyes asking the question that he did not speak. She went on tip toe and pulled one of her hands out from his, raising it to stroke his cheek. He felt his skin tingle and put his arms around her waist to pull her in closer, wanting more of her.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you for… everything."

"No, thank you," he murmured. "I would never have been the king that I was if it wasn't for what you told me in How that one day."

"The day I first realized I might be in love with you," she whispered.

"I knew from the moment I saw you," he responded. "You should rest."

"Yes… yes," Susan said, shaking her head to get rid of any fantasies of what they could be doing other than resting. "I should… you should as well. Goodnight." She went on tip toe again to give him a chaste kiss on the lips and then turned, headed towards her cabinet. He watched her, entranced by every move she made. "Um…Caspian? I'm about to change into nightclothes…"

"Oh!" he blushed. "Sorry." He turned and quickly left. Susan changed and lay in the bed. She remembered the night he was talking about vividly. Caspian had been so terrified of her reaction. And yet he had come to seek her forgiveness. She didn't think she did anything too great that day. She honestly was mad at him for a good portion of it. But then she did forgive him quickly… and had to convince him that what he did was not so unforgivable for he had found it hard to believe they forgave him or cared about him. But Liliandel, what reason did she have…? But the two most important men in Lilandel's life, Peter and Caspian, were both men that Susan's had affected. And as for Edmund, he had often told her that that if it wasn't for her convincing Peter to show his love for Edmund, he would have probably turned bitter again. And she was the one who often reminded him he can't always be blaming himself. And Eustace… she had always tried to reach out an unwanted hand towards him. But it didn't have any effect, did it? At least none that she knew of… But Rabadash had been very clear that Susan absolutely had an effect on him, and by extension, all of Calormen. And Emeth's blush seemed to imply that she had factored into his interest in Narnia. So perhaps it was more than just them caring about her… they had been affected by her, and several of them need her to learn to forgive themselves and move on to being a better person. She had never realized before that her life was so important to so many. She drifted off to sleep with this thought on her mind.


The next morning, Caspian tapped lightly on Susan's door, hoping she would want to see him.

"Come in, Caspian," she said. Her voice sounded like beautiful bells to him. He opened the door slowly. He quickly averted his eyes when he realized she was still in her nightclothes. Her hair was loose and tangled around her, but Caspian found it still incredibly attractive. "It's alright. If I didn't want you to see me in this, I would have changed."

"Your brothers are going to kill me," Caspian muttered, but he looked anyways and was not disappointed. She smiled at him, making his heart soar. She crawled towards him on her bed and beckoned for him to come over and sit on the edge of it. His palms got sweaty, but he could hardly say no. He sat there and extended a hand out. She took it and he pulled her closer towards him in a tight embrace, running his hand up and down the small of her back. She laid her head on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Caspian. I … I think I understand now," Susan said warily.

He moved her so he could look her in the eye and cupped her chin in his hand. "What do you understand?"

"That many of those I have met learned to forgive themselves as well – all but Liliandel, just like I have to," she said.

"And who taught most of them self-forgiveness and helped them down a path to be a better man?"

Susan was silent for a moment. "It's hard for me to believe it."

"But it's true."

"I think I can forgive myself now," Susan said hesitantly.

"Are you sure?" Caspian pressed. Susan remained silent, placing her head on his chest. He didn't know what to do. He then realized that Susan was crying again. He hugged her, rocking her back and forth like a child. "Susan? Susan?"

"Yes!" Susan suddenly said a bit too forcibly. "Yes! I can. It was wrong of me to forget Narnia, but as Aslan said, once a king or queen of Narnia…"

"Always a king or queen of Narnia," Caspian finished the familiar words.

"It's time for me to return," she said with more confidence than she truly felt.

"There's something first. Susan, I want you to know, you don't owe me anything. I did this because I cared about you. I love you and want to be with you, but I don't want you to feel forced to be with me because I helped you." Caspian grabbed her hands. He wanted her so badly, but it had to be her own willing choice, not some sense of guilt or debt.

"Caspian?" Susan said, her face giving nothing away. His heart pounded as he anticipated her response. He figured she would have looked happier if it had been a yes, and he turned to leave. She then grabbed the front of his shirt to make him face her. Her lips slowly curled into a suggestive smile. Caspian never knew his heart could beat this fast. "That was the most romantic thing I've ever heard."

"Really?" he blurted out.

She grinned and twisted her body so she was practically sitting in his lap. Caspian could hardly breathe. He slowly put his arms around her waist.

"A man who loves me enough that he would travel to another world and expect nothing in return?" she said sweetly, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. "You're perfect." She pulled him close and kissed him passionately. Caspian hadn't realized it at the time, but she had been holding out on him before. This was more incredibly than anything he had ever experienced. He ran his arms up and down her body as she yanked her fingers through his hair. Somehow they ended up on the bed, Susan lying on top of Caspian. They lost of how much time they spent together in their embrace, kissing and feeling each other's bodies. Eventually they both pulled back breathlessly.

"Cair Paravel… we should go there… so we could be there before it's late out," Caspian panted.

"Right… Cair… home.. my family…Narnians…we should get going," Susan said breathlessly. "C'mon, let's get going." She pulled him up with her and began heading out.

"Um… Susan?"

"Yeah?"

"As much as I hate myself for pointing this out since I love how you look in it, you probably don't want to go out in your nightdress…"

"Oh… good point." Susan changed and they quickly ate breakfast before heading out. Two horses were waiting for them. Susan could tell by their faces that they were not talking horses.

"Caspain, what will it be like? Returning I mean?" she asked hesitantly.

"Don't worry about it Su. Everyone's excited to see you. I think they're planning a ball for you as well," he added.

"Great… so no chance I can just quietly sneak in like nothing happened," she muttered.

"Hey, don't worry. It's just that most of them have yet to meet you, and those who have love you absolutely. Heck, some of those who have yet to meet you already love you absolutely. The human guys have been driving me and your brothers crazy with their inappropriate talk about you," Caspian joked, leaning over to muss her hair. She smirked.

"Seriously, though. I'm kinda nervous," she admitted. Caspian realized she was opening her heart to him and was touched. He guided his horse to move up right next to hers and stopped.

"Susan," he said, taking his hands into hers. "It'll be alright. You know why?"

"Because you'll be at my side?" she said with a slight smile.

"No… I mean I will be, but it's because you are the strongest, most fearless woman I have ever known. If you can face war, torture, pain to protect those you love, you can easily face this."