For someone who claimed to not be affectionate, Thea was starting out the New Year pretty damn affectionately. But perhaps affectionately wasn't the right word. Perhaps hormonally was a better description. Regardless, wherever this relationship with Warren was going, she was having a very nice time so far.
Admittedly, Thea had been quite upset at Warren for cursing at her and then fleeing like a coward on New Year's Eve, but his apology was a very mature and smart move on his part. For once the old adage that "boys are stupid" was not quite true. She could feel her defenses being picked away with every word of that apology. It wasn't fair that she couldn't think quite clearly in his presence because all she could think about was how much better his lips would be at kissing than talking. But that was the hormonal side flaring up…again. The rational side of her said that getting into a relationship with Warren was a very, very bad idea for a host of reasons starting with his father and ending with her emotional walls. However, it was neither the hormones nor the logic that prevailed but instead the intense desire that stemmed from Thea's heart.
She wanted to be with him. She didn't care if she sucked at it, she didn't care if it was a bad move. She wanted to try.
And so far, it was going pretty well. They didn't spend twenty-hours a day together, much to Warren's apparent chagrin. She didn't sleep over in his room, and he didn't sleep over in hers. He hadn't broached the subject, but when he got up to leave from a very long and intense make-out session with her during the night, Thea did nothing to stop his departure, and Thea figured he got the hint. It wasn't as though Thea didn't want him to sleepover. She had even pictured it many times: they could fall asleep together, wake up and make out a lot, and fall asleep again. But Thea was concerned that if Warren slept over, their physical activities would go further than she was psychologically ready to go.
It was just a week ago that they were spending less time with each other and Thea was concerned with Warren's possible affections for Jubilee. Thea knew herself well enough to know that mentally she was not ready to have any possible variety of sex with Warren for at least a while, but she also knew that with a little encouragement from him, the hormonal side of her would not hesitate to jump his bones because that was how bad she wanted him. So, although conflicted, her mind won over, and she decided she needed a bit of time to gain some perspective.
She was in a relationship for goodness sake! And it was her first one. And it was a given that she would suck at it. And the father of her boyfriend (oh goodness, boyfriend?) was an evil monster.
But so far, at least, she hadn't screwed anything up. However, she was petrified that she would. Now she was more aware of every little action, reaction, word, and glance she and Warren shared. It was like everything was intensified and everything had the possibility of meaning more than the surface value. Sure Warren said nothing much would change once they got into a relationship, but things had drastically changed. Thea had gone from being relatively independent to thinking about how Warren would think about something at any given time. For example, Kitty asked her to have dinner with her, and Thea's first thought had been that she would need to tell Warren that she wasn't having dinner with him. This sort of thing never happened before they were together, and Thea hadn't yet discerned if she liked this discovery or not.
During that dinner with Kitty, Thea had told her best friend about her new relationship with Warren. Thea had thought Kitty would be really excited about the whole thing, but instead she was very cautious and skeptical. Thea figured it was because Kitty realized how vulnerable Thea was to getting hurt by Warren, which was exemplified when Warren snapped at Thea outside of the club. However, Thea reassured Kitty that if Warren hurt her again, she would pulverize him. And after that, there was much excited squealing over the new relationship.
"Yay, you guys are a couple!" Kitty had said.
Couple. Good God what had Thea gotten herself into?
Like in most blossoming relationships, hers and Warren's consisted of a lot of kissing and a bit of flirtatious talking in between more kissing. Thea allowed herself to feel cautious elation about being in a relationship. She was cautious because she knew that eventually she would need to tell Warren everything, or nearly everything, and she was very scared she would lose him in the process. But she was elated. Warren made her so happy, and that was so much more than she had expected to ever feel again.
It was a week and a half into their relationship, and they were lying comfortably on Thea's bed side by side and facing each other. Thea was stroking the short stubble that littered Warren's chin and jaw, and Warren watched Thea's ministrations with fascination.
"I didn't know you had such an affinity for facial hair," Warren said as his arm rested comfortably over her hip.
Thea smirked. "I don't. That's why I'm trying to figure out why I like yours so much," she replied.
"Because it's on me," he answered easily.
Thea rolled her eyes.
"C'mon, no need for that when you know it's true," Warren insisted.
Thea didn't respond because perhaps he had a point. However, there was a matter she did want to breech, and now seemed like a good time since she had his full attention and they weren't preoccupied with kissing.
"Warren, I wanted to ask you something, but if you don't want to answer, it's okay," she prefaced.
"Okay."
"Why were you so upset after we left the club?"
She had been wondering this for a while now, but was waiting for a time to ask him when he could give a full explanation. Until now, they had been doing so much kissing that there wasn't really a time to slow down and talk about touchy feely stuff. Besides, Thea did not handle touchy feely stuff well, so the longer she could stave her curiosity, the better.
She could feel his body stiffen on the bed. His jaw clenched and unclenched as she touched it.
"Don't answer that," she said quickly with a small smile. She didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.
"No, it's okay."
There was silence.
"Do you want the long or short version?" Warren asked.
Thea looked at him wryly. "We have plenty of time," she said.
"Right. Well, uh, I never told you, but my father decided to design the Cure because of me," Warren said.
Thea wasn't surprised, but it was strange to know that it was a certainty. Worthington had promised her that she would be contributing to the betterment of mankind where in fact he was trying to use her to "fix" his son. And now she was in a relationship with that very same son and he wasn't "fixed." Oh, the irony.
"He's a very normal man. He likes things to be normal, and I knew that ever since I was old enough to realize anything about my father. He liked being at the top of the status quo. I was an okay kid, not super athletic or a musical protégé or something like that, but I wasn't a bad kid and my dad would always say that he was proud of me. And so when my wings started coming out, I think I was twelve, I knew that my dad was going to be disappointed, and so I didn't let him know," Warren explained.
Thea furrowed her brow in confusion. "But couldn't he tell because the wings protruded from your back?"
Warren shifted under her gaze and averted his eyes. "I…I cut them off," he said uncomfortably.
Cut them? Oh God…
"How?" Thea managed to choke out.
Warren shrugged beside her. "With whatever I could find. Scissors, kitchen knives…saws worked pretty well…" he replied, a funny, distant quality to his voice.
Thea wasn't a very empathetic or sympathetic person usually. Her attitude was that everyone experienced pain, and everyone had to just deal with it. But this…this rocked her to the core. It amazed her the great lengths someone had gone to hide himself from those who were supposed to love him unconditionally. This was how dire the situation had been. And to top that off, it was Warren…her Warren.
Thea felt an unfamiliar ache in her chest and sat up abruptly to breathe deeply. She closed her eyes, trying to wrap her head around what Warren had just said, but she just couldn't. She never physically hurt herself to hide who she was. She never doubted her parents' love. She had no reference point for something like this, and it was a disorienting feeling. She felt so helpless because there was nothing she could do to make the situation better.
Breathe.
"Thea, it was over ten years ago," Warren said, sitting up to stroke her back affectionately behind her.
"Right," she said, her voice faltering as she continued to have her back to him.
Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but Thea never believed that cliché. She couldn't imagine the psychological trauma Warren had been exposed to, and it frustrated and scared her.
Breath, just breath. An inhale hitched in her throat and she coughed inelegantly.
She struggled to suppress the sting in the back of her throat, and how her nose suddenly became runny, but it wasn't working. Tears were leaking out of her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. This was stupid, she was being such a weak little girl, crying when her boyfriend told her of a past scar. No…no…this ran far deeper than that. Another tear leaked out, and she brushed that one furiously away, her chest still aching and her head swimming with too many things to even identify.
"I didn't want a pity party," he said stiffly from behind her.
"No," she said eagerly, her voice cracking. Her mouth felt dry and heavy. She couldn't understand why she was losing such control over her ability to speak, and the ache in her chest was not subsiding. "I don't…it's not pity…I…" She didn't even know how to finish the sentence.
"Well, whatever it is, just…don't. I didn't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me," Warren said with a hint of annoyance.
He didn't understand! This was beyond feeling sorry for him, this was feeling pain, an unnamable but crystal clear pain. Thea twisted her body towards his and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her arms brushed against his feathers and then she began truly crying. She felt so foolish crying, but she couldn't control it.
When her baby brother died, she had cried out of guilt. When she realized Worthington wasn't the nice man he had presented himself as, she had cried out of fear. And when Kitty went to Alcatraz, she had cried out of shame. But this was a completely different experience. She was crying because…she didn't even know why. She just felt so…she couldn't even explain it.
"Woah, okay," Warren said, his tone holding none of the irritation it did earlier. He stroked her back affectionately.
He must have thought she was a complete nut after this.
She didn't know how long she cried, and Warren didn't say anything else to her as she emotionally threw up on him. He just continued to stroke her back and hold her.
"Fuck," she mumbled once her crying had lessened to occasional sniffles. "I'm such an ass."
"Huh?"
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I was supposed to be listening to your story and then I just…sorry," she said, pulling away from the hug and feeling very stupid. Now he probably wouldn't want to tell her anything for fear that she would always cry on him afterwards.
"No, it's okay," Warren said comfortingly. He looked like he was trying to figure something out, but Thea didn't bother asking what it was.
"I wasn't...that wasn't pity, it was…"
"Sympathy?" Warren asked.
Thea shook her head. "No, more than that. But it wasn't empathy because I never went through something quite like that. But..."
"You don't need to name it," Warren said softly.
Thea gave him a weak smile. "Okay." There was a long awkward silence in which Thea's mind was castigating her emotional reaction to Warren's words, was trying to figure out why she had such a strong reaction, and was wondering if Warren was going to continue talking. Hopefully she hadn't scared him into silence.
Eventually Warren continued, but with an embarrassed and uncomfortable quality to his voice. "My dad caught me one time in the bathroom, while I was cutting my wings. There was blood and feathers everywhere and I tried to stall before he opened the bathroom door, but I couldn't stall enough. When he saw me…in his eyes, there was such…disgust. He was horrified and upset and disappointed, and disgusted. He looked at me like it was the end, like my life was over because the only way to have a life is to be normal. And I…I believed him. Since I couldn't be normal, I tried so hard to look as normal as possible. Strapped down my wings, never talked about them, but you know, people knew I was the rich kid with wings sprouting from his back."
Thea was silent because she didn't know what she could possibly say.
"I was never really sure if the friends I made were because I was rich, despite the fact that I was rich, because I had wings, despite the fact that I had wings…you know? I just…I never knew if anyone liked me just because I was…me."
More silence.
"And there were also those people who were quite emphatic about their disgust towards me, particularly because of my wings. They would just stare and point and whisper. The worst ones were the ones who would stare and then avert their eyes once I saw them, as though they weren't looking at me and thinking I was a freak. I knew I shouldn't give a fuck what they thought of me, most of them were strangers anyway, but it did matter to me. It mattered that I felt…lower than them."
"And at the club, they were staring and pointing and talking," Thea said, realizing the connection.
"Yeah. The thing with that bastard who called you a whore, that was a completely different response. That was…I was pissed that he was attacking you. But when I snapped at you, I was more upset at myself for letting those other people who were watching me like I was a freak show get under my skin once again. I mean, so much has changed since that time when the staring and talking would bother me, so I had thought it was all behind me. But it's not. And so I was pissed at myself for letting them have such control over me still. I'm still that weakling I was before," Warren said.
"You're not weak," Thea said. "A weak person wouldn't have come here and done all the good you have, or risked his life being part of the X-Men, or tolerated my presence like you have."
Warren chuckled and touched Thea's cheek gently. His warm hands felt cool on her face, probably because the crying made her cheeks hot.
"You don't give yourself enough credit," he mumbled. He sounded a bit vulnerable.
Thea didn't know what he meant by that.
Warren cleared his throat. "Anyway, my wings, sometimes they do things that I can't control. And I...you…you…shit, it all felt so fucking good when I was dancing with you. And I…was…aroused."
"You don't say," Thea said cheekily.
Warren cracked a smile. "I know you knew. But you didn't know howmuch."
What the hell did that mean? Suddenly it clicked.
"You…came?" she asked him bluntly. She instantly regretted the question. It was really personal, perhaps too personal, and there was no reason why Warren should have to answer that.
"Yes."
But he did answer. Thea didn't really understand too much about men and their mentality towards ejaculation, but she was fairly certain that having an orgasm while dancing in public was on the list of embarrassing experiences rather than things to be proud about.
"And your wings…"
"They shoot up against my back when I do," Warren explained awkwardly.
Things were making more sense now. If Warren hadn't had an orgasm, he wings wouldn't have broken the bindings, and people wouldn't have known he was a mutant, and they wouldn't have stared at him and made him feel like a circus freak.
"So it kinda was my fault," she said.
"What? No. You're being an idiot," Warren said.
Thea snorted. "I'm so glad I have such a supportive boyfriend." The word 'boyfriend' came off her lips and tongue so effortlessly. It was quite surreal.
Warren looked at her with a knowing expression. He had caught that word. Boyfriend…gah, what was she thinking? Sure they were dating, sure they were, she supposed, boyfriend and girlfriend, but she actually said it! And it was so easy! What kind of mush ball had she become?
"It's not your fault. I could have stopped us dancing, but I didn't want to," Warren said, avoiding the topic of the b-word completely.
Well, if he was going to avoid it, she was too.
"Because I'm such an excellent dancer," Thea said, feigning arrogance.
Warren smiled as though he was assuaging her. "Absolutely," he said.
"What, I'm not a good dancer?" she asked defensively.
"No, you're a great dancer."
"You didn't sound too convinced when you said 'absolutely.'"
"Well, I'm quite convinced."
"You're keeping something from me," Thea said.
"I keep lots of things from you," Warren countered.
That perked Thea's interest. "Really? Like what?"
Warren laughed. "I'm not an idiot."
Thea smiled. "Not all of the time."
Suddenly she felt fingers everywhere as Warren proceed to tickle her mercilessly. And all coherent thought went out the proverbial window as Warren's lips crashed down on hers once again.
Author's Note: I'm back! I'm very sorry for the long wait. Japan was wonderful, and right after Japan, I had to take some standardized tests for graduate school and get back to college, so it's been a whirlwind of stuff to do. I never forget this story though and I promise, no matter if the gap between updates seems long, I am thinking about what to write and writing it up to post as soon as I can. I WILL FINISH THIS STORY. But it may take longer now that school has started. Life does have to come first.
In any case, after this chapter the plot will move forward once again. I thought a reflective chapter on Thea's part is essential to get at what she's feeling and how she may not even understand how she feels across. I'm glad so many people enjoyed the last chapter where Warren steps up and makes his move. I warn you that I haven't written the next chapter yet, so it'll take a while now. But it'll get done. I hope you liked this chapter, please let me know what you think!
