A/N: Hey guys, it's Ren again!

Okay, I only just now realized that I forgot to officially tell everyone who was writing who. Well, I, (Renalin) write Ino. HPBabe91 writes Sakura. All of you who guessed right--excellent job and we love you. Everyone who guessed wrong...

Well, you can go live in a garbage can with Oscar. (Kidding, we love you too and you still get a cookie.)

We cranked out another ridiculously long chapter-- over 8,000 words this time. Out of control man, absolutely ridiculous.

Now then--Can you guess who writes Kiba/Sasuke/Shikamaru?

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto. Yet. This will all change in August when we abduct Kishimoto.

I mean, when we meet him for tea.

The Eccentric Files

Act4: Wrath of the Siblings

From: Ino
To: Sakura
Subject: Sakura has a boyfriend!

Before I rant about how you cute you and Kiba are, let me just address one thing...

You STILL have a TEDDY BEAR? Dear God, Sakura. There's a difference between cute and pathetic. (And Mr. Butters would rip the stuffing out of that thing.)

About the Sasuke incidents...

1) Sakura, Sasuke does not allow himself to display concern. But do you honestly think that he just HAPPENED to let the bat slip when he was swinging--causing it to fly CLEAR ACROSS THE FIELD and hit the your assailant in the face? Yeah, that was not an accident. That was a freakish display of inhuman accuracy--I mean, he was getting revenge for you.

2) Whatever man, he didn't look that angry to ME. Trust me, Sasuke flips out over EVERYTHING.

Ino: "Why, hello there, Sasuke!"
Sasuke: "WHAT THE HELL, DO NOT BE NICE TO ME! YOU GODDAMN MORON!"

or

Naruto: "Hey Sasuke, you want some pizza?"
Sasuke: "HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I NEED NOURISHMENT!?"

And then there's you. You completely get cake all over his shirt and it goes like...

Sakura: "HOLY CRAP! I, um, sorry?"
Sasuke: "Watch where you're going, annoying."

SEE?! YOU GET OFF EASY! HE WOULD HAVE...EVAPORATED ME OR SOMETHING IF I GOT CAKE ON HIS SHIRT!

3) Dear God Sakura, you're in denial TOO?! I give up. There is no hope for the two of you.

And anyway, you're going out with Kiba now! I hope you have fun with him--he's a nice guy. Usually remembers important dates and can occasionally make himself look presentable if your parents want to meet him. (Though, your parents probably won't even notice, so I guess we don't have to worry about that...)

Dear God. I work at the WEIRDEST place ever! Gaara was ordered to start a ketchup war today, and nobody batted an eyelash. Some of the customers joined in. I just kind of watched in horror. Seriously, not only is my boss evil--it's DEMENTED too! (Yes, I said it. I am not really sure of their gender--all I know is that they NEED. TO. DIE.)

But oh my! Sakura...THE VANDAL! (cue the wailing violins) Wow, I'm impressed! I didn't think you were CAPABLE of wrong doing.

Kidding.

Love,

--Ino

P.S. I'm sure that you were put into drama because of your incredable talent? Or maybe the Home Ec. class got full and since you knew everything, there was no point in keeping you around? I'm sure I don't know--how could I have done anything?

Really, so suspicious.

P.P.S. Tell me about your date with Kiba! I want to know everything!


From: Ino
To: Kiba
Subject: OH MY GOD!

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE ATTACKING SAKURA! (I mean when you push her against a locker and kiss her or whatever.) BECAUSE HE WILL SEE THIS AS A SIGN OF AGGRESSION--OR AT LEAST, IT'LL LOOK ENOUGH LIKE IT THAT PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE HIM--AND HE WILL. BLOODY. ATTACK.

Anyhow, how's it going with Sakura? Hot dates galore?


To: Ino

From: Sakura

Subject: SHUT UP!

Yes, I just bought another one and named him Mr. Shnookums. Muahaha. And my army of teddy bears would make Mr. Butters piss himself in utter terror.

1) If anything it was probably because said "assailant" cleeted him or something. Probably stepped on his foot with his cleats, and you know Sasuke. And even if he WAS getting revenge for me (so highly doubtful) it was because I am a classmate, and give him answers. Besides, he has already clarified that I am annoying and we're not friends.

2) And after he said that, he had a freak-a-thon on me. He was so angry I think his EYES were turning red...

3) I. AM. NOT. IN. DENIAL! I DON'T mean anything to him, Pig, and he has made this quite obvious, since when I accused him of being overprotective of me he coldly replied that he had nothing to be protective of, since it's not like we're friends.

Okay, I'll admit it, Kiba is very sweet. He took me to go see Spiderman 3 and then we went out to this Italian cuisine place, not too fancy but casual enough that we didn't look out of place. He also has a nice car, and is a real gentleman. It's almost like someone told him to be perfect for me... wow, maybe all those prayers are actually paying off, huh?

...a ketchup fight.

Get out. Get out of there right now. Dunkin Donuts DOES NOT HAVE KETCHUP FIGHTS! (And no, dammit, it's NOT because I'm biased due to their awesome donuts and delicious coffee. Really. I'm not.) NEITHER DOES STARBUCKS! (See the latter reason for D&D)

SHUSH! NOBODY KNOWS THAT I-- I mean, whoever-- DID IT! I want to send them flowers, that beautiful, sly person.

-Sakura

P.S- I KNOW you had something to do with this, Ino! And one way or another, I WILL find out!

P.P.S- Uhm, define EVERYTHING.


To: Ino

From: Kiba

Subject: What?!

WHAT THE HELL?! IS HE SOME KIND OF ANIMAL?! Seriously, like a freaking lion, man! Or a wolf, or something! Goddamned alpha male complex, him being all angry that I'm getting a LITTLE bit of action for "his" woman.

Wait, will he still attack me if Sakura reciprocates, and like, moans and runs her hands through my hair or something? Wait, what happens if SHE'S the one kissing ME?! Seriously, what if she pulls out her inner-seme and attempts to jump MY bones?!

...oh, wait, never mind. That's pretty kinky. I'M not one to stop her.

You know, that little nose wrinkle she does when she's interested in something is really rather fetching.

-Kiba


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Subject: NEVER!

Speaking of Mr. Shnookums...

I am putting together a plan. No, this time it's a GOOD plan, with minimal damage. To, er, most parties.

And don't lecture me Sakura! I am TOO allowed to plot! (No accusations about me being an evil manipulator either. LIES I tell you, ALL LIES!)

1) You are so bloody stubborn. But never fear dear Sakura--I shall show you the light! Now then, you are obviously not fluent in Sasuke-ese yet. When he says, "We're not friends" he means that, "Because I am a complete and utter asshole, you should stay away from me. No matter how badly I want you to stick around." I mean, look at NARUTO. Everyone knows that he's Sasuke's best friend, and yet, he is referred to as, 'moron' and 'idiot.'

2) I think I missed this freak-a-thon. What exactly happened?

3) See number one, you un-seductive R-tard.

Good! I'm glad you had a nice time with him. Kiba is pretty cool, so long as you make sure he doesn't start talking about his dog. Who were you praying to, if I may ask? (If you tell me it's that Sasuke-shrine you have in your closet I am going to smack you. Somehow. Over a fairly long distance.)

I am leaving as soon as I can. Honestly. How is throwing ketchup around good for publicity?

And no, I did not join in. At. All.

...Don't worry Sakura! Your secret's safe with me! (Or at least until you forget to get me a birthday present.)

Lurve and kisses,

--Ino

P.S. Tsk, you honestly think I have enough power to tweak your schedule?

P.P.S. EVERYTHING!


From: Ino

To: Kiba

Subject: I would hire a body guard

I'm more inclined to say that Sasuke's a panther myself--wait, what?

OOOOOOH, IS HE GETTING REALLY ANGRY?! DO TELL! (Please?)

Well, Sakura jumping you, while highly improbable, would not warrant an attack. I think. Maybe.

(You and your damn dominatrix fetishes. And what is with Sakura's nose? Everyone comments on how cute it is! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER NOSE!)

--Ino


From: Sakura

To: Ino

Subject: DON'T MAKE ME GRAB THE DUCT TAPE AGAIN!

Well, now you are, since the last time you "plotted" something you blew up my freaking tree house.

1) That...actually sounds really accurate...HOW THE HELL DO YOU SEE THESE SUBTLE SIGNS AND I DON'T?!!

2) He just basically freaked out on me and I heard a lot of that his shirt cost. A lot. Probably a lot more than my house. Oh, and there were some 'annoying's' and 'idiots' thrown in there for good measure, as if I already didn't want the ground to swallow me whole.

3) AT LEAST I HAVE STANDARDS, DAMMIT!

I WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SHRINE IN MY CLOSET!

(Though, I did dust in there today. Have to make sure the pictures of him aren't crinkling and whatever.)

I was talking about Kami-sama, Ino-pig. Y'know, our God?!

Of course you didn't Boar. Do I have to find Shikamaru's e-mail and talk to him? Because I will, you know. I have to make sure you're staying out of trouble and whatnot.

And, okay, MAYBE attempt to set the two of you up, but that's not my main motive. Really. It's not.

-Sakura

P.S- Yeah, I do.

P.P.S- Be more specific


From: Kiba

To: Ino

Subject: Dammit!

No, he's just been giving me the Uchiha Death Glare in the hallways. And watching obsessively as we pass notes about totally innocent stuff. Really, I never knew the Uchiha was such a perv. He thinks I'm only dating her to get into her skirt.

Bet he'd never guess that it was actually her best friend's doing, huh?

You're so reassuring.

Not.

(Her nose is very adorable! It looks like... a button, or something.)


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Subject: You don't scare me!

That tree house had to go. It was crucial to when I shaved a day off the school year so we could drive up to the circus! (Admit it, that was fun.)

1) I look for them, Sakura.

2) Oh yeah. Well, like I said. Sasuke flips out over everything--you got a relatively nice 'punishment.' AND I HAVE HEARD, (from a little birdie) THAT HE IS VERY UPSET ABOUT YOU DATING KIBA! THIS IS A CLEAR SIGN OF JEALOUSY! (Do not listen to whatever pathetic excuse he gives you--IT IS A LIE!)

Also, another little birdie says that his eyes get all soft when he's looking at you. Coincidence? I think not.

3) HIGH standards. But sure, I'll go with you on this one.

You are so bizarre about that shrine. No, honestly, you almost had a fit that one time when I accidentally stepped on one of the pictures. Which you destroyed the yearbook to get. (Loser.)

Kami...? OH YEAH! That guy. He's pretty cool, for being so aloof and all.

Well, if you wanted PH's e-mail, all you had to do was ask! It's NaraShikamaru. Because making something up is apparently very troublesome.

Love,

--Ino

P.S. That hurts. Aren't you having fun in drama? (With Sasuke?)

P.P.S. Have you two kissed yet?


From: Ino

To: Kiba

Subject: Good flipping luck

PROVOKE HIM! No, seriously. But make sure it's in a public place so that someone will save you from being murdered. And do it in front of Sakura, so that she'll get all 'Oh no! My friend and my bastard-of-a-true-love! What shall I do?!'

Yes, and we are going to keep Sasuke from ever finding out. Or Sakura. Because both of them are occasionally very scary.

I could totally be a councilor.

--Ino

P.S. What. The. Hell. (Find out if Sasuke thinks so too!)


From: Sakura

To: Ino

Subject: -grabs the duct tape-

I LOVED MY TREEHOUSE! (And okay, yeah, the circus was fun.)

1) You LOOK for them? What the hell? You stalker!

2) Who the hell's been lying to you, Ino?! Yeah, he's upset, but it's because he thinks that Kiba's gonna rape me or something.

SASUKE?! HIS EYES GET SOFT WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME?! I'm telling you, you need to get FAR, FAR away from that McDonald's. The grease is addling your brain and making you think odd things. Besides, that'd be so unlike him, and Sasuke is, if nothing else, aloof. I highly doubt this.

3) Whatever, man. I find I have less chance of getting hurt that way. And besides, do you know how freaking hard it is to date someone else with UCHIHA SASUKE in the room?

The only exception is Kiba. I, uhm, have lots to tell you. He, uh, we were getting my books and it was the end of the day, and he kind of placed his hands on either side of my head when I spun the dial and turned around, and then he smiled at me and leaned down and--

We, erm, kissed. And it was...wow...

And Sasuke was glaring at Kiba (AND NO, GODDAMMIT, HE WAS NOT JEALOUS! HE PROBABLY THINKS HE'S GONNA RAPE ME!)

I do believe I'll have to e-mail Shikamaru soon.

-Sakura

P.S- I'm not sure how much fun tomorrow's going to be. And not really; we've just kind of been ignoring each other. Or rather, he's been ignoring me while I sneak peeks at him every so often. Is it wrong to still love Sasuke while dating Kiba?


From: Kiba

To: Ino

Subject: Yeah, I know

Did Sakura tell you what happened after school today?

I will fight a lot of guys, but the Uchiha is NOT one of them. Especially an enraged one. You should've seen the look he gave me after I kissed Sakura and then held her hand and led her away. I could've sworn he was so angry his EYES were red... Freaky, man, really, REALLY freaky.

-Kiba

P.S- I don't even think on pain of death would Sasuke admit that ANYTHING of Sakura's is cute.


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Subject: BRING IT

IT WAS ONLY A LITTLE WHILE AGO--YOU WERE LIKE FIFTEEN, IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS!

1) I just happen to be observant. And not blind.

2)WHAT THE HELL. Sakura, has he EVER been REMOTELY hostile to Kiba before now? (Well, more so than anyone else.) NO. HE IS UPSET YOU BLIND PINKY. And yes, his eyes get soft when he looks at you. This has been confirmed to me by numerous sources.

...Wait, does Sasuke actually KNOW that you're in love with him? I can't remember if you ever flat out told him...boy's pretty dense, he probably didn't notice if you didn't tell.

3) OH MY, HAS HE BEEN HARASSING KIBA? PLEASE SAY YES. I AM VERY HORMONAL RIGHT NOW AND WOULD LIKE SOME BOY/BOY FANTASY ACTION.

Oh my, SAKURA SCORED!!!! Okay, hot kiss? Yes? Or, sloppy and kind of 'ew, get away' kiss? (There is a damn difference, young Skywalker.)

Alright Sakura. So Sasuke is not interested in you at all, right? And he's only glaring because he thinks you are about to be molested by Kiba-the-sex-god?

Well then, if he's so uncaring--WHY WOULD HE CARE IF YOU WERE IN "DANGER"?

--Ino

P.S. Oh, Sakura. It's not wrong at all. I mean, you probably shouldn't pay loads of attention to Sasuke--but it's not like you MARRIED Kiba. You're just dating--which is like being friends with benefits, basically. By dating someone, it means that you are agreeing to spend more time than you usually would with them. So, you're not doing anything wrong.

P.P.S. Tell me when you jump him.


From: Ino

To: Kiba

Subject: Should I hunt down some four leaf clovers?

Why yes, she did. You dashing male, you. Good work, I award you full brownie points and a gold star.

Really? Sasuke's not THAT scary--he's kind of funny actually. I mean honestly, think of how much ENERGY it takes to be pissed off at everyone!

So, wait, he's definitely jealous, right? Right?

--Ino

P.S. ...Then I suppose...

I shall just have to make it my personal mission.

Yes, I am going to get that bastard to tell her that her nose is cute if it is the LAST THING I DO!!


From: Sakura

To: Ino

Subject: IT'S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHT!

WELL I'M SEVENTEEN NOW AND I STILL LOVE(D) MY TREEHOUSE, GODDAMMIT!

1) I'll have you know I have 20/20 vision, pig.

2) ...those birdies are getting high with you in the back of McDonalds, obviously.

And I, uhm...no, he doesn't know. I've never told him, but really, is there any need to? He already thinks I'm annoying; I'll probably move right up to GET-THE-FUCK-AWAY-FROM-ME if I tell him I love him, because he'll think it's just because of his looks when it goes so much deeper than that.

I...dammit, Ino, do you know why I haven't told Sasuke yet, and why I deny when you tell me he likes me? Because I'm NOT getting my hopes up only to have them crash and burn when he laughs right in my face.

Okay, so maybe not laugh, per se... (is Sasuke even CAPABLE of laughing? Not coldly?)

And besides, I'm enjoying this whole dating-Kiba thing. Maybe someday I'll tell Sasuke that I love him, but that moment is not now, not while I like someone who, for once, actually likes me back.

3) THAT IS DISGUSTING AND SHALL NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN! (no matter HOW hot the images are.)

Hot kiss. VERY hot kiss. His mouth tasted like chocolate, too, which scored him some major points. That, and the fact that his hands stayed on the small of my back. This in itself is amazing, since I'm so used to getting groped.

...my name is not Skywalker, it's Sakura. Have you been at the popcorn again, Ino?

I, uhm... HE'S TIRED OF PROTECTING ME! HE SAID SO! And he thinks I'm weak, that bastard. Well, I am SO going to jump on Kiba and make out. Right in front of him.

HA! TAKE THAT, UCHIHA SASUKE!

-Sakura

P.S- Well, if you say so...

P.P.S- I was thinking maybe Monday, which gives us four days to hang out more. What do you think?


From: Kiba

To: Ino

Subject: I think a wooden stake and some garlic would do it

HELL YEAH, I GET GOLD STARS AND BROWNIE POINTS!

...Sasuke. Not scary? Are you...okay?

I'm pretty sure he's jealous, but we'll see. By the way he was glaring at me after I kissed her, it's pretty safe to say he is.

Yeah, good luck with that.

-Kiba


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Subject: You are so hopeless

I think that you must have been dropped more than just that one time when you were a baby. Honestly.

1) Wrong kind of blindness, genius.

2) You're making me tear up again, knock it off. And okay, I'm not saying you should tell him--I just couldn't remember. Obviously Sasu-chan is completely in the dark. (Just because I call him Sasu-chan does not mean that you should slip up and call him that as well. Because I know you Sakura, you once called him Romeo after the LA teacher had stuffed our heads full of Shakespeare. You both turned very interesting shades of purple, by the way. I think I still have the pictures on my cell phone...)

Oh, I DO have them! Shikamaru has just seen them as well. He wants me to tell you that breathing is necessary and that your nose is cute. (WHAT THE HELL, I WANT A CUTE NOSE TOO!)

Grrrrr...Temari has entered the premises! She is asking me about work. With a very conveying little smirk. Yes, I do walk at McDonalds you bitch. Come by sometime--I want to give you food poisoning.

I never answered your question on whether she was pretty or not, did I? Well...she's a model. Vile. Defiling my dream job. So yes--I suppose that she. is. moderately. attractive.

Shikamaru is telling me to stop stabbing the keyboard when I type. He obviously does not realize how painful that was for me.

3) I have escalated from hormonal to downright lusty. Meaning that Shikamaru walked in to the kitchen this morning with out a shirt. Nyhargmph. (Can I have fries with that?)

Damn, Kiba must have been practicing. With his pillow or something. Yes, I think he does that. He is a nerd like you, remember?

ME YODA SPEAK! SKYWALKER BOW TO THE GREATNESS OF ME!

--Ino

P.S. Wow, go Sakura! Take the initiative, girl!

P.P.S. How goes the vile math project? Need any help? Shikamaru's apparently a math genius, so I can probably give some pointers if you need them.


From: Ino

To: Kiba

Subject: Good news...

...Your not-so-secret-fantasies are going to be coming true shortly. I might have, um, accidentally set Sakura off on a wild rampage. Prepare yourself.

Oh, Sasu-chan's not scary! Hee, can't you just IMAGINE what would happen if someone pinched his cheeks during one of his temper tantrums? I think his head might blow up. Ahahahahahaha.

And good job on O.M.S.J. We seem to be progressing nicely. Now I just have to figure out what the next step will be...

--Ino

P.S. I WILL MAKE HIM SAY IT, DAMN IT! I JUST NEED TO GET HIM DESPERATE ENOUGH, AND PRESENT THE SUGGESTION!


From: Sakura

To: Ino

Subject: I'M the hopeless one?!

...grr...

1) Shut up! You're just mad because I have a higher IQ than you.

2) ...that moment shall never be mentioned again. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOWED THAT TO PH! And no, my nose is too adorable for you to handle.

And no, I did not just lick my finger and touch it to my nose and say, "Sizzle." Absolutely not. What a ridiculous idea, pig.

I still say that you should dye her hair blue. But that food poisoning idea is a good thing too, yes. OR INTRODUCE HER TO GAARA AND KANKURO, THAT LITTLE SLUT, AND HAVE THEM TAKE CARE OF HER!

Ew, she's a model? Well, I'm sure she could never be as pretty as you. She's probably only a model because her legs are a V.

3) Ohhh, do tell? And what are you, PMSing? Like, fo' shizzle my nizzle, yo. (...don't ask.) Mmm, you must send me a picture of Shikamaru. Does he look good without a shirt on?

Whatever, you crack whore, I bow down to NO ONE.

-Sakura

P.S- HELL YEAH! GIRL POWER, DAMMIT!

P.P.S- Am e-mailing him right now. Sasuke's being an asshole and he must be PMSing too, since he was more irritable this morning. Actually, he's been irritable for the past four days. Hmmm...


From: Kiba

To: Ino

Subject: I love you

Oh, HELL YES!

Yeah, he'd probably go and blow up the school. Or pull a Columbine stunt and kill students and faculty and what-not. Which really wouldn't be cool, because we'd probably still have school, those evil bastards.

I have complete faith in your scheming abilities, Ino. After all, you came up with this idea and somehow managed to keep so much from Sakura. Speaking of which, when do you plan on coming home, anyway? Sakura really misses you.

-Kiba

P.S- Yeah, again, good luck with that. Sasuke'd rather kill himself before that ever happened.


From: Sakura

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Hey

You're that guy that Ino's living with, right? I'm Sakura, that pig's best friend!

...yes, the girl with the cute nose. That's right.

Anyway, Ino said that you're some supposedly genius with math, right? Well, uhm, could you help me out with my project, since Ino won't because she's too focused on killing your girlfriend—I mean, on work. Yeah.

And, uh, can you keep that whole deal with Sasuke on the DL? Please?

Thanks a bunch, PH-- argh, Shikamaru!

—Sakura


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Subject: Obviously, since your retort is repeating what I just said

Mr. Butters makes that noise too, whenever he sees Temari. She growls back--it's actually kind of amusing. Mr. B was annoyed at me this morning since I sort of woke him up and moved him over to Temari's sweater so he'd shed on it. Yes, evil. Muahahaha.

ALSO! Shikamaru says that he will take me to get ice cream sometime this week, so I can meet his best friend Choji! Yes, I had to moan and grovel and whine--BUT I GOT MY WAY, DAMMIT!

(BUT PH--SHIKAMARU--HAS A BEST FRIEND! IT'S LIKE YOU AND ME! DOES TEMARI HAVE A BEST FRIEND; NOOOOO!)

(Why do I find this best friend business so endearing?)

Also, I bribed him. I told him that I would get 'That Thing'/'EEK!!'/'Mr. Butters!' on a leash. And we would walk him. Shikamaru is apparently delighted at the idea of mortifying his cat. I am prepping Mr. Butters up with large amounts of tuna. Hopefully, he won't hate me too much.

1) That is just mean. And I can out-math you any day.

...YOU'RE just jealous because I have more clothes! AND DON'T NEED TO BUILD SHRINES TO THE GUYS I LIKE!

...Okay, that was out of line. I'm sorry.

2) You are a genius. I am taking her to work with me tomorrow for 'girl bonding time.' The boys will take of her for me, I am sure. Gaara totally saved my butt earlier--this weirdo truck driver was like, leaning over the counter trying to look down my shirt. So he came over and just kind of stared at the guy--for like, five minutes. Without blinking. It was terrific. Gaara has the best dead-pan expression ever.

Oh, and then Kankuro made a little smilie face with the pickles, drew a heart on the bun with the ketchup, leaned over the counter, and was all, "Come back soon..."

And then winked.

I need to adopt the two of them. Seriously. They rule.

Your pretty comment just made my day. Especially since, um, one of my female co-workers pointed at my makeup and called me a whore.

Do I look like a whore Sakura? (Yes, I am having one of those self conscious days. Also, I feel fat. I think the grease from the fryers is seeping into my skin.)

3) Alright, sending picture. He didn't protest very much when I demanded he take of his shirt so I could take a picture. In fact, I distinctly recall him rolling his eyes and going, "God, not another one..."

...Must discover what this means.

Oh, and he has started calling me 'Troublesome.' I think this might be a bad thing--he never calls Temari troublesome. He calls Temari--Temari. (Yes, I am PMS-ing. Why else would I be this insecure?)

But really, it's the only thing he says around me anymore.

Moi: "Hey, I got you a donut for breakfast."

Shika: "...troublesome...thanks."

...Mmnf.

--Ino

P.S. That's right Sakura! WE ARE THE SUPERIOR (sub) SPECIES!

P.P.S. I like playing connect the dots. Sasuke has been irritable for four days, and Sakura has been dating Kiba for four days. WHAT EVER COULD THIS MEAN?!


From: Ino

To: Kiba

Subject: Thanks for the vote of confidence

Down, bad dog. Don't get too excited now--you aren't supposed to know. And honestly, you have some twisted ideas there. Kind of cute though, don't change.

Anyway, from what Sakura tells me, you're doing a good job. Apparently, you have been a very good kisser, attentive, non-groping, and funny. Excellent, excellent, excellent. (She likes you a lot, BTW.)

Ack, we should totally piss him off one time, tell him how adorable he looks, and then run like hell. It will be fabulous. (Assuming we don't die.)

Hmmmn...I guess...I could come home for a little while--just for a visit. I really don't want to stay too long, but I really miss Sakura, and I hate leaving her alone like that. She really needs to get out of there and away from her family.

Thanks for the vote of confidence in my scheming abilities. For I am Yoda! Bow down, you will.

Yes.

--Ino

P.S. I WILL!! (Somehow, even I am having trouble with this one.)


From: Shikamaru

To: Sakura

Subject: Hey

Yes, I've heard a lot about you from Ino. Nice to finally sort of talk to you for once.

Before I continue--can I clarify something? Did she really bungee-jump off the school roof and knock out that line-backer? Because she SAYS that she did, but Temari apparently believes this to be impossible, and I'd like to know the truth before taking sides.

Jeez. I thought I was finally out of the high-school drama crap. Okay, fine, what're your questions?

(I don't really care about your love affairs with Sasuke--no matter how much of a prick this guy seems to be. But fine, whatever, I won't tell.)

God. Ino told you about the PH thing, didn't she? Troublesome...

Later,

--'PH'


From: Sakura

To: Ino

Subject: Yeah, but I said it cooler than you! (or typed, whatever.)

Haha, evil genius much, Ino?

And Pig, almost EVERYONE has a best friend. Temari doesn't because she's probably a fugly biznatch. God only knows WHY Shikamaru's dating her.

Okay, so, you're prepping up Mr. Butters up with lots of tuna, but you plan on walking him and stuff...? I fail to see the logic in this.

1) But I can basically kick your ass in anything else

It's only a matter of time before you make a PH shrine.

I am not jealous, by the way. After all, your mountain of clothes almost killed me. Most terrifying moment of my life; it was like being buried under an avalanche.

2) Oh yeah, I know. No autographs, please. AND I HAVE TO MEET THESE TWO!! That is priceless, abso-freakin-lutely priceless.

I, well, uhm... yeah, you LOOK like a whore Ino, but at least you're a PRETTY whore!

3) ...-drool-...

DAMN YOU INO, YOU ALWAYS GET THE RIPPED GUYS!

(oh wait, never mind. Mmmm, Sasuke-kun is VERY built. Yum.)

Troublesome is just an affectionate nickname for you, honestly. AND TEMARI ISN'T SPECIAL ENOUGH TO WARRANT A NICKNAME!

--Sakura

P.S- Damn right we are!

P.P.S- Oh, Jesus CHRIST not this again!


From: Kiba

To: Ino

Subject: You're welcome

I can't help it if your best friend is hot. And I have no intention of ever changing; I'm too awesome for people NOW anyway. They can't handle my amazingness.

Oh yeah, that's right. Sizzle.

And that is only further proof of my awesomeness. I like her a lot too, but I'm still pretty eager to see her and the Uchiha get together. It seems like she's the only one who can calm him down.

Yeah, he'd probably kill us two seconds later. AND FINE THEN, DON'T come visit me!

Joking, I love you. But why, what's wrong with her family?

No.

--Kiba

P.S- Maybe you should just, I dunno...give up...?


From: Sakura

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Hola

Likewise; it's nice to sort of finally talk to you too. What exactly has Ino told you about me anyway?

...uhm, that clown incident was a total accident. I SWEAR.

Okay, maybe not totally...

Yes, Ino really DID do that. And lots more. She's got a lot of connections, and she's very devious and stubborn, and won't stop until she gets her way. I'm surprised she hasn't blackmailed our Principal yet.

Alright. So, I know how to find the area of a cylinder—but not so clear on the surface area. I know how to find the base, of course, since that's just finding the area of the circle, but not so much the main body thing.

Of course she did. I basically freaked out while I thought you guys were dead.

And did you really dodge a speeding bullet? What the hell ARE you, Superman?

--Sakura


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Subject: Regardless, you still couldn't think of anything better to say

But there's best friend and then BEST friend--you know! Like, Shikamaru has been friends with this guy for almost ten years--that's about how long we've been friends!

Ugh. Because I am in mega PMS mode, I shall lay out the Temari facts on why he is dating her:

-She can cook. (I can not. At all.)

-She is pretty. (And no matter how much you reassure me, she is kind of gorgeous. Ugh. I feel like crying.)

-She's smart. (Unlike me, the high school drop-out.)

-Has a job. (I work at McDonalds.)

-Can take care of herself. (Think back to the tree house--I tend to leap before I look.)

...I am so depressed right now. Augh. I think I might've just made a huge mistake. It was the problem I was telling you about--the reason why I left.

Um, well, crunch time's setting in, basically. I'm kind of going to have to choose pretty soon--and, um, yeah.

I think I might visit you and Kiba pretty soon--I really miss you. A lot. Shika's been awesome--but he can't replace your forehead.

OKAY. Removing self from funk, now.

And I am bribing Mr. Butters into liking me so he can suffer the indignity of being a CAT on a LEASH.

1) Haha, you tell yourself that.

And dude, I will NEVER make a Shika shrine--he will make one to ME.

And deny it as much as you want--I saw you eyeing that red skirt. You can have it, by the way. If you're brave enough to go to my house and OPEN 'THE CLOSET OF DOOM' as you call it.

2) Haha, they're great. EXCEPT--OH MY GOD! SAKURA! I took Temari with me this morning to work, and was, you know, pretending to be nice, (And she was too--though I guess we got along okay,) and then when I brought her in, I sat her down and bolted for the back. Gaara and Kankuro were back there, apparently making a cherry bomb to blow up one of the toilets, and I was like, "Guys, I need you to take care of someone for me."

And then they followed me out, and I walked over to Temari feeling all victorious--until Kankuro was all, "Oh shit."

And then Temari got this horrified look on her face, like--'How-can-I-get-out-of-here-without-being-too-obvious?'

And Gaara kind of ignored everyone and just said, "Hey, Temari."

OHDEARLORD. THE THREE OF THEM ARE SIBLINGS! HOW THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!

...Wait. This might be good. I can use them--I mean, they're her brothers, shouldn't they know all sorts of embarrassing stuff about her?

I will poke around when I return to the group, since I am sort of hiding in the back room right now, e-mail this to you.

3) He's not mine yet. Darn. But I have my...'date' with him later this week. To meet his friend Chouji, I mean.

But yes, he is rather pretty, isn't he? (And yes, so is Sasuke. And Kiba. We are some damn lucky girls.)

...Maybe you're right about the nickname thing! ...Maybe... I dunno, I think he might think I'm sorta odd. Considering I look like a whore and all. Maybe I should wear less revealing clothing? Lay off the eye make-up?

But really, you are the best friend I could ever have. Thanks, Sakura-chan.

--Ino


From: Ino

To: Kiba

Subject: Jack Sparrow's got NOTHING on you!

For serious. Like, you defy the laws of awesome. Or something. At least, according to you. (Kidding, you know I love you.)

Augh, of course I'll visit you, you dope! We can have coffee and walk Akamaru and plot. Or something.

Well, if you haven't noticed, Sakura's family has already decided that she's not going to college. As in, the lazy bastards have been too lazy to take care of their millions of kids and since Sakura, (who is the oldest) has been doing it for years FOR them, they've kind of decided to just leave it that way.

This is why we have to get her out of there. Somehow. She has absolutely no money--one of the reasons why I'm working right now, actually. Basically, if I work now to get her through school, (which she'll rock at--since it's Sakura) when she becomes a doctor or whatever and rakes in the dough, SHE'LL be able to pay for my going through college! (Since I might need to take a break from school, for a while anyway. It depends on how things work out.)

I really hate her parents. A lot.

--Ino

P.S. You are going to help me on this quest, dammit. Don't you want to hear him say it too?!


From: Sakura

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Aloha

Ino usually doesn't talk about home much. She talks about you a lot though--usually after I've left her alone for more then two or three hours. I think she's lonely or something. Do you know why she left?

Mostly I've just heard stories about when you two were kids. Some of the stunts you pulled, some of your accidents with Sasuke, (seriously, are you incredibly clumsy? Sorry, but how is it even possible for so many accidents to happen?) and other stuff. I haven't heard this clown thing, though.

Are you the one who taught her how to make toast? Because if that was you, thanks. Temari tried to make pancakes with her this morning--they sort of set off the smoke alarm.

To find the surface area of a cone you have to find the circumference of the circle, (two of the radius times pi, or just the diameter times pi) and then times the circumference by the height. Then you tack on the bases--or, the circles. (Radius squared times pi.)

I feel like I'm in a soap opera. Or some really crap fiction--Ino reads a lot of those, doesn't she? Does she not REALIZE that the guys on the covers of roman novels have like, inflatable muscle suits? Because that is just abnormal. Nobody should have that much muscle definition.

I didn't 'dodge' a bullet; I just knew it was coming. It wasn't so hard.

--'Superman'


From: Sakura

To: Ino

Subject: I totally could, but all my brain power goes to school

Ino, darling, we've got twelve years. There's no WAY PH could beat us-- well, except in maybe genius-ness, but I'm sure we come pretty close. Because we're awesome like that.

a) Hey, you made coffee, didn't you? And besides, there's gotta be SOMETHING she sucks at. And when we find it, we will make that hole wider and make her VERY self-conscious. Mm, yes, let's pick at those mental scars. Muahaha.

b) Yeah well you're SUPER DUPER GORGEOUS! Seriously, Ino-chan, remind me again what happens EVERY TIME WE GO OUT TO EAT?! What, every guy hits on you, huh? They all stare at you, yeah? Ino-chan, you're 5'5 with long, shiny blond hair and these bright blue captivating eyes. You've got these long legs and an hour-glass figure that would make a lesbian go straight. PH probably has wet dreams about you but thinks it's too troublesome to say so. Temari-bitch has got NOTHING on you.

c) You're not a high-school drop-out, and without you I never would've passed math all those times. Plus, you're highly intelligent. Remind me again who it was that shares the HIGH honor roll with Sasuke and I. Who's ALSO in our AP classes. Does the name Yamanaka Ino ring a bell?

d) Only for now. I bet when you become a model you'll be so hot you'll blow her right off the catwalk.

e) You're a teenager. We all do that.

You have NOT made a huge mistake, Yamanaka Ino. You did what you felt was best for you, and aren't you always telling ME to do that? Honestly, Ino, without you I would've run away from home a LONG time ago. Or maybe killed myself. So just think, you basically saved my life, in so many more ways than one. Can Temari say that she's done as touching as that? No.

1) I can. You're just in denial.

He probably already has. Secretly, in his closet, and he loves it as much as I love my Sasuke one. He probably takes just as much care of it too.

(you probably have one as well. A small one. DON'T DENY IT, THAT'S WHERE ALL THOSE OTHER SHIRTLESS PICTURES GO! Or maybe under your pillow...?)

...well, I DO have a really cute tube top that would go with that skirt... Maybe. If I can somehow manage to not get lost in that maze of clothes that people call your closet.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! They're SIBLINGS?! Ohhh Ino, this could NOT be more perfect! I mean, they've gotta have a LOT of blackmail on her.

2) Good luck with that!

(and hell yeah, we're some lucky girls! Mmm, smexy smexy boys that want us.)

See? Sasuke calls me annoying and Shikamaru calls you troublesome. In a total-romantics perspective, I'm annoying to Sasuke because he thinks about me all the time, and you're troublesome because Shikamaru has deep feelings for you and doesn't care as much for Temari. (besides, have they really been spending any time together? Did she go through with a near-death experience with him? No, she hasn't. You two are closer, so HAHA to her!)

Uhm, you might wanna dress a little more conservatively from now on. Like, wear a LITTLE bit less makeup, and maybe wear those skirts past your thighs? Halfway down your thighs is good, but don't make them look the length of MY panties. Love you too, Ino-chan.

-Sakura

P.S- WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME, DAMMIT?! I know you said you'd come visit me soon, but how soon is soon? I really miss you, you know. Your biting bitchiness just isn't the same over the computer.


From: Kiba

To: Ino

Subject: You sure know how to compliment a guy! (since Sakura LOVES Johnny Depp.)

Well, you've always broken said laws of awesomeness.

Mmmm, coffee... and yes, we must plot. Plus, I'm sure Akamaru would love to see you.

What the HELL? Yes, we need to get her out of there. Like, now. I totally agree with you. Does Sasuke know about this? Seriously, when those two get together (you know, I'm her boyfriend, find her attractive, and am helping her hook up with another male. How wrong is this picture?) she needs to move in with him. The Uchiha has more than enough money to support the freaking Navy.

And, uhm, if you don't mind me asking, but why DID you leave anyway?

We have to plot to do something to her parents as well.

-Kiba

P.S- ...damn it.


From: Sakura

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Ciao

Uhm, I'm really not supposed to tell you (pinky-promised) but I will anyway, because you deserve to know. Ino has a good home life-- she loves her father and everything. But her mom and little brother just died, and that shook her up. A lot. Her mom and her were really close, and she loved her little brother. Well, she and our friends were out at a party and they were all drinking. Ino wasn't too much, but everyone else was. I came and picked her up and made her sleep over my house, since we promised to when we were like, twelve. We couldn't (and didn't) depend on anyone else but each other.

So Ino's phone rang at like, six in the morning. I'm a light sleeper, and so is Ino, so we both woke up. It was her dad; apparently, one of her friends that were more drunk were involved in a car accident. That friend died, and so did the other two people in the other car. Those other two people were Ino's mom and little brother, on their way home from Natsu's (her little brother) football game.

She didn't come to school for a week, and every day after school I would go to her house and she would put her head in my lap and just cry as I stroked her hair. It was seriously bad, because I've known Ino since I was five, and loosing them was like loosing a part of my family too. Plus because Ino's normally so collected and cool, and she just...broke down. Her dad was the same way, but I only saw him cry like, twice.

Afterwards, Ino became something of a slut, which is why she dresses and acts the way she does now. She goes out and parties and has a new boyfriend like every week, but she will NOT touch alcohol. Please don't think of her as like, a whore or something, because she's really sensitive about that. It's kind of like her defense mechanism. She doesn't have serious relationships because she thinks it'll stop her from getting hurt. She's a good girl, really she is, but she can get really insecure.

So yeah, that's why she left. She wanted to help herself become better, and knew that she couldn't do it at home. It makes me sad that she left (as snarky and bitchy as we may act to one another, we kind of need each other) but I want her to feel better.

Sorry, I just kind of like, wrote you a novel. Uh, whoops? And I am actually very graceful, (I took ballet for seven years) but Sasuke makes me nervous.

Uh, I'm afraid of clowns. And, erm, Ino took me to the circus with her once. This clown got in my face and I...uhm, kind of punched him. And broke his nose. And then started crying.

Yeah, I was in the middle of teaching her to cook when she decided it was high time she got the fuck out of this stupid little town. I'm gonna follow, but that's next year when we graduate. Haha, she set off the smoke alarm? Well, you're lucky the firemen didn't come to your apartment. Seriously, I think she did it on purpose (...all four times) just to check out the firemen. Which has happened at her house.

Hey, those guys are HOT! They're actually a lot of fun to read. Not only do they fulfill our romantic side, but we get to point out the stupidity for some of these books and laugh. Yes, we're sadistic, and your point is?

WASN'T SO HARD?! HAVE YOU BEEN AT THE POPCORN OR THE MCDONALDS FRIES TOO?! I HAVE NEVER DODGED A FREAKING SPEEDING BULLET! You're my hero.

-Sakura


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Subject: NERD.

You're right. Shika must bow down to the greatness that is us--FOR WE ARE YODA(s), MASTERS OF UNIVERSE ARE WE!

...In case you were wondering, I watched the original Star Wars trilogy two days ago with Temari and Shika, which is why I have been spouting out all this Yoda garbage.

Why yes! I did manage to make coffee! And my, Sakura, it seems that I am not the ONLY evil genius at work here! And thanks for the compliments on my appearance--but seriously, Temari is...kind of...pretty...nggh. Here, I'll send a picture. (see attached) Oh God. I wishwishWISH Shika had...naughty mental disturbances in the middle of the night. WHY?! WHY IS IT NOT HAPPENING?!

Tch, I kind of am a high school dropout, though I did pass the exit exam with flying colors, (WHAT THE HELL does that MEAN, anyway?) so...yeah. I guess I survive academically. When I turn eighteen this fall I'll apply for some model work--hopefully they won't have a problem with me being under the 5'7 limit. Meh, I could do some magazine work or something if they do.

Aw, I haven't ever really saved your life Sakura! But, thanks for the reassurance. OF COURSE I made the right choice!

I um, I don't know what you're talking about! Me? Have a shrine for Shika? Hah! You jest.

Excuse me while I start a small fire with the suspicious papers under my bed.

About them being siblings--pure gold. I have already discovered that she was entered in a beauty pageant for BABY BOYS when she was little--and that she came in second place.

SAKURA! WE NEED NICKNAMES FOR OUR BOYS--I mean, Sasuke/Kiba and Shikamaru. Actually, I already have PH.

I vote you start calling Sasuke, 'Princess.'

--Ino

P.S. Okay, I need help on this conservative thing. Have decided to wear ripped up jeans, (everything important is covered, you can just see like, my knees and stuff) and tank top. Am I allowed to show arms? Also--is the purple eye make-up too dark?)

P.P.S. I'll try to drive down in a month or so, when it's all situated.


From: Ino

To: Kiba

Subject: Of course, it's how I get what I want

Haha, I WISH I could get Sakura to move in with him! But you know she'd never go for it--she's to independent for that. It'd make her feel trapped and house-wife all over again.

If you really want to know why I left, you can ask Sakura. Tell her I gave my permission, and that Mr. Butters sends his love.

Yes, I am planning all sort of horrible things to do to them. It shall just take some time...

--Ino


From: Shikamaru

To: Sakura

Subject: Konichiwa

Are you SURE she's just using her 'free ways' as an act? Because, I don't really know if I can write off her throwing spatulas at Temari, (for no apparent reason--do YOU know what they're fighting over?) as 'putting up barriers.'

But whatever, sounds kind of sucky for her. I'm sorry, I guess. I think she wants you to go to college though, so I dunno about this 'following her here' stuff. And, my apartment's kind of small--I don't actually make that much money. I guess you could maybe stay with Choji though, so long as you can cook well.

Speaking of which...I need to pick her up to meet him now. See you later, I guess.

Uh, and honestly, I didn't do anything that great. I just new she was going to shoot.

--'The Hero.'


A/N: WE wrote over 8,000 words for you in under three days. Being the immature dork I am, I demand some sort of reward.

...please.