The Eccentric Files

Act7: Closing In

From: Angel4awhile

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: HOLY EFFING SNAP WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!

Oh my GOD. Are you serious?! YOU TOLD HIM!?

…Nothing like screaming at someone that you really fucking love them, I guess. Um.

Well, I guess it's all out now. I mean, you came clean so now it's all up to Sasuke. Feel better! At least forty years from now you won't be moping about, wondering what could have happened.

Um, when you had your little…heart-to-heart…with Sasu-chan, how many people were watching you? Just curious. PLUS, you shouldn't get all depressed! I mean, he hasn't REJECTED you or anything—I think he was probably just shocked. When people are screaming at me I don't expect proclamations of love. Just…um, wait and see what happens!

…Don't kill yourself. I know that Romeo and Juliet got away with it and were made into a play—but I've heard that dying can be messy. And, uh, I love you and would miss you. And stuff.

Keep me posted! I'd write more, but I have to go to my date with Shikamaru/Chouji now….

--Ino


From: ShikamanXX

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I love how demure you girls are

Jeez, I'm not going to say anything about Ino's clothing. I don't really pay attention anyway. She can walk around in her pajamas, for all I care.

I didn't know Mr. Butters was missing. Who is Mr. Butters? Oh wait—you mean the cat. That Thing likes to wander off sometimes, he'll come back after a while I think. Hopefully. We'll look for him later, but it's a big city.

So nice talking to you, I do enjoy death-threats.

--Shikamaru


From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Are you high?!

Yeah, I told him. Am now in the girl's bathroom during Geometry to avoid him. And urgh, please try not to make too much sense; the scent of overused perfume is going to my brain.

I am trying not to think about my little screaming match, but I'd say... around twenty-five, maybe thirty people were watching.

Oh...God...

Ami's in the play. And she heard me. And she used to attack me when we were little for no particular reason but now that you're gone there's nothing to stop her and WAH, I FEAR HER.

Oh god oh god oh god.

Can't you...come home a little earlier? Like, tomorrow?

--Sakura


From: GreenEyed07

To: ShikamanXX

Subject: Is that supposed to be an insult, buddy?

She probably DOES walk around in her PJ's, you just never notice. Which you should, since you could at LEAST pay SOME attention to her instead of just Temari. Who, by the way, has been subtly shooting down Ino. Keep your girlfriend on her leash, please?

Listen, I know that you probably don't even like me, or you may hate Ino, but there's gotta be SOME nice part of you. So would it be so hard for you to be nice to her? Please?

--Sakura


From: Ino
To: Sakura

Um, I am sitting in a cab w/ PH. Can not make conversation. Too nervous. Help.


From: Sakura

To: Ino

Ask about Chouji.


From: Ino
To: Sakura

...See, I am obviously blonde. Anyway, how is Sasu-princess? Are you two cool?


From: Sakura
To: Ino

Didn't you get my e-mail?


From: Ino
To: Sakura

Yes, I got it. The one where you are hiding in the bathroom? Are you still in there?


From: Sakura
To: Ino

Nope, right now I'm at lunch. Thank God Sasuke doesn't have the same lunch with me.


From: Ino

To: Sakura

Oh. Um, I just told Shikamaru that I thought he had very nice ears. He's looking at me very oddly. (I was nervous. Needed compliment.) And Sasuke loves you.


From: Sakura
To: Ino

You suck. Didn't I tell you to ask about Chouji?! And Sasuke doesn't love me. At all. If he did he would've said something. ANYTHING.


From: Ino
To: Sakura

I know, I know. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble on a date...ever. I'm worried about Mr. Butters.


From: Sakura
To: Ino

That's because you don't really DO dates. Just screwing. And I STILL stand by the idea that after the meeting with Chouji, you go look for Mr. Butters.

I-- kind of? I was a little mortified at the time, so I do think ten seconds is fast enough to blurt out a four-worded answer to my big three words.


From: Ino
To: Sakura

Jeez, thanks. Makes me feel just great about myself, Sakura. Even though it is totally true. PH says that Chouji will like me so long as I don't offend him.

WHAT IF I OFFEND HIM? HOW IS THIS DRIVE TAKING SO LONG?

And what four words were you looking for, Sakura? You're such a Hallmark child.


From: Sakura
To: Ino

Well, it's the truth! And just ASK PH. Seriously, there's a simple answer to everything, Pig. And I was looking for 'I love you too.'


From: Ino
To: Shikamaru

So, um, how should I not offend your friend Chouji? I still stand by the ears comment.


From: Sakura
To: Ino

How the hell am I a Hallmark child? And seriously, Ino, just make it sound casual. Duh.


From: Shikamaru
To: Ino

Just don't touch his food. It's pretty simple.


From: Ino
To: Sakura

I texted him. That way I wouldn't have to look him in the face. I am very bad at hiding fear. Hallmark children still believe in happy-ever-after, that's all


From: Ino

To: Shikamaru

Um, okay. I can do that. Do you have any paper with you, by the way? Like, fifty sheets?


From:Sakura
To:Ino

You're such a baby. What'd he say? And I don't want a Happily-Ever-After, I just...I dunno. I wanted SOMETHING, dammit. I mean, he could've given me a dirty glare and I would've gotten the hint. But his face was just...blank. Totally blank.


From: Shikamaru
To: Ino

Why the hell would I carry around fifty sheets of paper? That'd be too troublesome. What do you need them for?


From: Ino
To: Sakura

I know, I know. By the way, has Ami given you any trouble? Because I can still hurt her. If you want, I mean. And you have to face Sasuke sometime Sakura, you can't just hermit in the bathroom forever.


From: Ino
To: Shikamaru

Well, you carry around a calendar with pictures of clouds inside. I thought I'd ask. And I wanted to make posters for Mr. Butters.


From: Sakura
To: Ino

Well, of course she has, but I've ignored her. Maybe I should punch her...? And I'm NOT hermiting in the bathroom, dammit, I just told you I was at lunch. I will be next period, though; next period is History.


From: Shikamaru
To: Ino

How do you know that? And we'll look for The Thing later, after you meet Chouji. Troublesome…


From: Ino
To: Sakura

My little baby's all grown up and hitting girls! I'm so proud of you. Okay, go to History and do that thing you do, where you stare at the wall directly above Sasuke's head.


From: Ino
To: Shikamaru

Because, um, you left you purse--bag on the table and I was...um, bored. And you'll help look for Mr. Butters too?! REALLY?!


From: Sakura
To: Ino

Well, it's about time that I FINALLY hit her, isn't it? Besides, someone's gotta put that bitch in her place. And I just told you-- I'm not going to History. (and I DON'T stare at the wall above Sasuke's head. What a ridiculous thought.)


From: Shikamaru
To: Ino

Troublesome woman. Yes, I'll help, since The Thing apparently means so much to you.


From: Ino
To: Sakura

Yes, yes she does have it coming. And her haircut is ridiculous. Not that this has to do with anything, since my life is now over. Meaning that PH was being really nice and I just got overwhelmed and sort of snapped...and then kissed him. The cab just stopped, time to meet Chouji. OH GOD.

I will e-mail you tonight, when you are done hiding and I am done with the date from hell, since I can no longer look him in the eye.


Sasuke,

Have you seen Sakura today?

--Kiba


Kiba,

She's your girlfriend. And here I thought you were doing such a good job at keeping a leash on her.

--Sasuke


Sasuke,

Sakura's not a dog, Sasuke. Besides, I thought YOU were the one keeping her on a leash.

--Kiba


Kiba,

Well, you certainly seem to be pawing her enough. Suppose I was mislead. And anyway, Sakura doesn't seem to want to hang around me.

--Sasuke


Sasuke,

I DON'T paw her. What the hell are you smoking? And what'd you do THIS time to upset her?

--Kiba


Kiba,

Yeah, right. So I suppose it's NORMAL for people to stick their hands all over her? Or is that some sort of mating ritual they taught us about in Sex. Ed.? And what makes you think that I upset her. Maybe she's just annoying like that. Maybe she's trying to get away from YOU.

--Sasuke


Sasuke,

Woah woah woah. Sometimes I didn't even INITIATE the touching. And besides, Sakura had no complaints. And I have YET to upset Sakura; you, however, are a totally different story. She's BEEN upset with you for the past few days, after your little fight at your house. But if she's avoiding History, then it must've been something YOU did. What'd you do?

--Kiba


Kiba,

Mind your own business.

--Sasuke

P.S. Have you seen her since last night?


Sasuke,

How am I supposed to mind my own business if it means you're upsetting my girlfriend?

--Kiba

P.S-- No, I haven't. She texted me to tell me that she would be at play practice late and that she'd see me this morning, but she never showed up. And I KNOW she's here, I caught a glimpse of her earlier. Have you seen her since last night? Aren't you two in the play together?


Kiba,

She can take care of herself. And I don't TRY to upset her--SHE upsets herself.

--Sasuke

P.S. See? She's avoiding you. Be insecure.

P.P.S. I saw her last night for a bit during the practice.

P.P.P.S. She hasn't looked suicidal or anything has she?


Sasuke,

I know she can, and how does SHE upset herself? You always say something stupid to upset her.

--Kiba

P.S- Why would she be avoiding me? I haven't done anything.

P.P.S-- For a BIT. Doesn't practice run like, three hours?

P.P.P.S-- No, of course not. Why? Did something happen at home?


Kiba,

She just...doesn't listen sometimes.

--Kiba

P.S. FINE, fuck off and go be Mr. Wonderful somewhere else.

P.P.S. She left early.

P.P.P.S. What do you mean? What's wrong with her home?


Sasuke,

What do you mean she "just doesn't listen sometimes"?

P.S-- I'm not Mr. Wonderful, I'm just smart enough not to upset her.

P.P.S-- Why'd she leave early?

P.P.S-- Her parents are fucktards who only need her to take care of their six other kids, so she's like their nanny or something. But shouldn't YOU know this? I mean, you guys've known each other since Kindergarten.


Kiba,

Just forget it, okay?

--Sasuke

P.S. Good for you. Glad one of us can make her happy.

P.P.S. Why don't you ask her yourself?

P.P.P.S. Are you serious? What the hell is she doing over there? Why didn't she say something?


Sasuke,

Okay, jeez, I'm sorry I freaking asked.

--Kiba

P.S- You CAN make her happy. Look, even I can tell that Sakura wants to be with you. And if Sakura breaks up with me for you, then good. You can make her happier than I ever could.

P.P.S-- Remember? I haven't seen her all day. Why can't you just tell me yourself.

P.P.S-- Because she doesn't like to complain about it. The only people who know are Ino and myself; not even Naruto knows.


Kiba,

Just forget it. And I don't think she likes me as much as you seem to believe, judging by the way she's avoided me all day and how quickly she ran off last night.

If you really, really want to know what happened, go stand near Ami. She seems to be shouting it loudly enough.

--Sasuke

P.S. And you didn't HELP her?! Isn't that your JOB or something?


Sasuke,

Look, man to man, why don't YOU just tell me? And Ami's a retarded ditz, I'm afraid her stupidity will rub off on me.

--Kiba

P.S- Dude, I TRIED to, but she refused. Besides, Ino's already got it all covered, or something.


Kiba,

Alright, we got into a fight during play practice. I don't really remember what about, it was stupid. Anyway, I said something about you and her, and she flipped out and started screaming some stuff about...

Well, she said she loved me. And then she ran away since I didn't say anything back.

--Sasuke

P.S. INO has it covered? If you haven't noticed, Ino just dropped out. I don't think she can help herself now, much less Sakura.


Sasuke,

Thank GOD. I knew she was in love with you; I was just waiting for her to say something. Do you love her too? And that might be why she's been ignoring me; she feels guilty.

--Kiba

P.S. You'd be surprised at what Ino can accomplish 1,000 miles away.


Kiba,

Why would she feel guilty? She's dating you, and you two seem pretty serious.

--Sasuke

P.S-- If I wake up tomorrow and the school has been bombed, I know who did it.


Sasuke,

What the--?! HELL no. I like Sakura enough, sure, and we're more of a friends-with-benefits type of deal. We talked about it, and even I could tell that Sakura loves you. She's loved you since like, seventh grade.

--Kiba

P.S. She's not gonna BOMB THE SCHOOL. Jeez, aren't you supposed to be smart? I was talking about her getting Sakura and me together, among other things.


Kiba,

...Really? Seventh grade?

--Sasuke

P.S. I wouldn't put that past her. And wait--she SET YOU TWO UP?!


Sasuke,

Yeah, seventh grade. You haven't noticed? Normally she's very graceful, and around you she's a total klutz. Plus, she's always looking at you, and she normally cares what you think, especially of her. But when you started blowing her off, she kinda...I dunno, gave up hope on you liking her? That's what Ino told me.

--Kiba

P.S-- Yeah, she did. She wanted Sakura to be happy, and also to see if you'd react. Which you have been. Never known you to be the possessive type, Uchiha.


Kiba,

I blew her off?

--Sasuke

P.S. She...what?

That witch.


From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: OH. SHIT.

So. I have lots to tell you, and I know you'll like it, but at the moment I'm having a rather hard time forming words. Hell, even THINKING is difficult.

So, I managed to successfully evade Sasuke and Kiba all day, and didn't answer Kiba's texts. I guess after History he gave up, 'cause he didn't text me again after that. But I decided to go to play practice, since there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm gonna let Ami kiss Sasuke, since that's what today is: the final kiss.

So...it was pretty awkward. And we had to do it a LOT since we kept on messing up. So after play practice was over, I rushed out of there, but guess who caught up to me?

Yes, Sasuke. I was almost praying it was Kiba, but unfortunately, it was Sasuke.

So he grabbed my arm and wanted to know why I was avoiding both him AND Kiba all day today, and why I wouldn't meet his eyes.

So I told him about that I was embarrassed, and besides, what does he care? He doesn't love me. So he was silent, and then he moved closer-- REALLY close. So I looked up, and he was like...right in front of me. And then he grabbed the back of my head, shoved me against the wall, and he...

Well, Ino-chan, he...y'know. He kissed me.

A lot. With tongue. And teeth. And it was...wow. My lips are STILL tingling.

But what am I gonna do about Kiba? I feel like such a bad person, AND girlfriend. I just CHEATED ON HIM and ENJOYED IT.

--Sakura


From: Angel4awhile
To: GreenEyed07
Subject: THIS IS NOT A TIME TO BE CURSING! THIS IS A TIME TO BE JUMPING IN GLEE!

I KNEW IT! I KNEW HE WOULD CAVE! MY PLAN HAS COME TO FRUTATION! OH, HAPPY DAYS!

Ahem.

Congratulations, Sakura. Only took you guys like ten years to get past your ridiculous flirting stage and finally swap spit. (Was that crude? Perhaps I should say, 'express your adoration towards one another.')

Don't worry about Kiba, alright? You'll have to talk with him and all, but mostly, tell me more about what happened. I have been denied my snogging for several weeks now, and it's making me a bit crazy.

Not counting my little love-peck in the car with PH. Which I am trying to not think about. Since, y'know, he has a girlfriend and they are perfect for each other and all. But, um, anyway, enough about me.

What happened after he shoved you up against a wall? (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN—sorry, couldn't resist.) Are you guys talking like normal people now? Or are you at the stage where you just kind of loathe one another's personalities but keep conveniently getting stuck in broom closets together?

…Maybe Shikamaru was right. Maybe I DO need to stop reading Harry Potter fanfiction.

Speaking of him, he helped me put up Mr. Butter's posters when we got back from meeting Chouji. It was awkward and all, since I had no idea what to say, but still. It was really, really sweet of him. I had happy glows.

It's hard to talk to him right now. I noticed the other day that everything I say sounds flirtatious. It's like I've been turning into someone else I don't even recognize.

AND CHOUJI! CHOUJI IS MY SOULMATE. Like, not romantically—we just are. When I met him, he barely even glanced at my slutty clothes. You can tell that he and PH are really close. And he was just so smiley and sweet and—he owns a restaurant and makes really good food.

And he said he's looking for a waitress in a month, since one of the regulars is dropping off.

It was kind of mortifying at first though, since he totally looked scary. Like, really big and fierce.

Chouji: "So, Shikamaru, is this the girl who invaded your apartment?"

PH: "And eats my food? Yes. This is Ino."

Moi: "Jerk! I made that food! And you don't appreciate it anyway!"

And then Chouji looked at me very gravely. I started freaking out because he apparently has a food-fetish or something, and I thought I had offended him.

Chouji: "He really doesn't, does he?"

And then we were golden. So long as I don't look at Temari, Shikamaru, my slutty clothes, and Mr. Butters's empty box I feel great.

Okay, honestly, who's better at snogging? Kiba or Sasuke?

--Ino


From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: I already did that

Screw you, Ino. Ten years? Try twelve. And I don't even wanna THINK about talking to Kiba. I'm actually gonna go over there later and tell him that we have to break up. I feel so bad, though; I mean, I'm really an awful girlfriend.

And you are CLEARLY delusional, pig. YOU and PH are absolutely MADE for one another. Seriously, Temari is too wrong for him.

Well, uhm, we kinda made out for a while. And then he pulled away, and I was blushing to the roots of my hair, mumbled some lame-ass excuse that I had to go look after my younger siblings, and I fled out of there like a bat outta hell. But I kissed him before I left. I think I'll talk to Sasuke-kun tomorrow. Or...I dunno. I really want him to make the first move, since I'm just really confused now. Like, seriously, why the hell did he kiss me? (Not that I'm complaining, obviously.)

And Harry Potter fanfiction is AWESOME. Not that I've been reading it. At all. Ever.

Aww; that WAS nice of PH. And see? He CARES about Mr. Butters, and CLEARLY he is just trying to spend time with you. And also make you happy, but subtly, so that you won't notice and will merely brush it off. After all, he IS a genius.

INO! WHY DID YOU WEAR SLUTTY CLOTHES?! I thought you LIKED to wear normal clothes?

Chouji sounds AWESOME. You gotta bring him and PH with you when you come see my play. And wait; does this mean that you're gonna quit your job in McDonalds?

And Sasuke is better at kissing, naturally; Uchiha's are good at EVERYTHING.

--Sakura


From: Angel4awhile

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Good to see your priorities are straight.

You are so pathetic. Honestly, twelve years? You liked him even in Kindergarten?

I knew it. I KNEW there was a reason why you wouldn't let me touch the red crayon on the few occasions he was gracious enough to share with you.

Kiba's going to be fine, he's a big boy now. What you have to watch out for is him demanding a threesome. (I'm kidding, I'm sure he won't. Don't get all paranoid—the odds are like a million to one.)

Actually, Temari and Shika go together very nicely. They come up to a sum of five—with Shika being three, and Temari being two. Ino is a one, so there's no room for Ino in that equation.

I'm sure you and Sasuke will work things out. Assuming that you don't flip out and hid in the bathroom again. Not that the distressed damsel act isn't cute or anything—but really. This is the 21st century, not 1400 A.D. Knights in shining armor are the only ones who put up with such nonsense, and they're hard to come by nowadays.

Have you been nipping at the Draco/Hermione again? Naughty girl.

I am feeling forcibly optimistic about Mr. Butters. The signs are up, so more people will be looking, and Chouji said he'd help too. I am so kidnapping him when I come to see you. (Shikamaru might be smart, but he's not an evil mastermind—no way is he trying to lure me into liking him or something…odd like that.)

Except, um, PH might have to stay home. On account of me never being able to look him in the face again. Ahem.

I HAD NO CHOICE ON THE SLUTTY CLOTHES. ALL MY NORMAL CLOTHES WERE TOO INFORMAL! Such a shame. I really did not appreciate that grandfather staring at my legs. I wouldn't mind normally, but then the grandmother started beating me over the head with her bag and yelling about 'promiscuity.'

Now go break up with Kiba and shag Sasuke already. The sexual tension can be felt even by ME—and I'm a thousand miles away!

--Ino


From: Angel4awhile

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: I have a request…

Would you do me a favor?

Sasuke jumped Sakura last night (WE WIN!) so now that they're finally getting it on, I sense Sakura's going to do the noble thing and break up with you. Of course, if it turns out you're pregnant, she'll obviously pull a soap opera and marry you since it's her responsibility, regardless of how miserable this shall make everyone.

YOUNG MAN, YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT!

Anyway, when she breaks up with you, can you suggest a threesome? And then report back to me about her reaction? Ten bucks says she breaks something in mortification.

On another note, how's it going?

--Ino


From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: How does that make my priorities straight?

Hey, he was a VERY handsome five year old! And him sharing the red crayon was a BIG DEAL; even YOU knew that.

Let's hope Kiba doesn't suggest a threesome. Have you been indulging in your petty yaoi love fanfiction again?

DON'T CONFUSE ME WITH YOUR MATH EQUATIONS! You and Shikamaru are like... Sasuke-kun and me? Kinda?

Shut up, I'm not AIMING for Sasuke-kun to be my Knight in Shining Armor (no matter HOW cool that sounds) and I don't want to be his Damsel in Distress. I just can't face him.

I have no idea why fanfics are so addicting. And in my defense, no matter HOW cliche most of these stories are, I just can't stop. I blame all this stupid Romeo and Juliet crap.

YES! KIDNAP THE BOTH OF THEM! (And I'm telling you, THAT'S WHAT PH'S BEEN DOING! ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO IT!)

I don't care WHAT goes between you and PH. I don't care if you guys actually HAVE SEX WITH FEELINGS. (AKA making love. Not that you've ever done it.) I WANT TO MEET HIM.

Pig, I had enough trouble KISSING him; you think I'm going to SCREW HIM?!

--Sakura


From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Oh God.

FINALLY! Jesus, it took them WAY TOO LONG to finally make out. Like, seriously, it's been what? Ten years?

I don't think I'm pregnant, but don't worry, I'll tell you if the stick turns blue.

Alright, you're on; ten bucks says she passes out. But what happens if she DOES pass out? And the Uchiha finds us? I'd be DEAD.

I'm alright, I guess. How's New York?

--Kiba


From: Angel4awhile

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I'm interrupting our little debate to tell you that I saw 39 gay couples today.

Have you ever gone to a big city and counted all the gay couples/hobos? It's fun. I just went with Chouji and he CHEATED. He called gay couples before I could, and we were in the Soho district during day time! WE WENT INTO A POETRY STORE, I THINK IT WAS CLEAR THAT I WAS GOING TO LOSE.

Also, saw a woman talking to a trash can. I sympathize. It seems that loosing my mind is preferable nowadays.

Sasuke was not a handsome five year old. No way. That is just not possible. I don't believe you. I seem to recall him being a complete grouch as a child, and was so aggravated by this fact that I didn't look at his face very often.

Yes, the red crayon was a big deal. Don't I know it. He BIT me when I tried to take it from him.

Alright, alright, enough with the damsels and math equations, since I AM INTERUPTING THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU THIS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

Shikamaru and Temari are arguing. Not loudly, but enough for me to be able to hear them in my room. Something is up. If I wasn't so afraid of being seen in my foggy pajamas, I would investigate.

Have you noticed that detective heroines ALWAYS have very posh outfits? I mean, look at Nancy Drew. She could apparently solve mysteries in a skirt and HIGH HEELS. You and I can barely WALK in those. I'm telling you, real life and books are very, very different. I bet you Nancy was never with held from her pursuit of justice because of a slight fashion crisis.

If I kidnap PH then you have to kidnap Kiba. I owe him one, and you will be very awkward and avoid him obsessively unless I force the two of you into close quarters.

I think you and The Princess will get along just fine on your repopulating-the-Earth business.

--Ino

P.S. YOU SAID 'MAKE LOVE.' HAH, I WILL NEVER LET YOU LIVE THAT DOWN.

P.P.S. ALLOW ME TO DEFILE YOU: SEX-SEX-SEX-SEX-SEX-SEX.

P.P.P.S. Thanks to you, I have been re-sucked into that dangerous world of 'D. Gray Man' fanfiction. My life would be so much more peaceful if Lavi wasn't so hot.


From: Angel4awhile
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx
Subject: No kidding. Do you think we're allowed to go ahead and buy the wedding presents?

Actually it was twelve years. I cannot believe how romantically retarded the two of them are. It's a damn good thing they had us on their side.

Well, if Sakura passes out, then you can play the gallant ex and dashingly deliver her to Sasuke's eagerly awaiting arms after which they shall…proceed with their 'indoor sports.' Or something else with lots of adjectives.

New York is great. I miss you guys. I'm coming home soon for a visit.

You seem lonely. Should I hook you up with someone as well?

Love,

--Ino


From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Why the hell were you counting?

No, sorry, I do believe I have something...oh, dammit, what's that word?

Oh yeah.

A LIFE.

And you're just sore because Chouji, apparently, is better at spotting gay couples. Perhaps there's something he's not telling you...?

Yeah; you were too busy staring at his ass, probably. And when Sasuke wasn't being a grouch, he was actually being rather...civil? And are you serious? He actually BIT you? I'll have to talk to him when I next see him. Which is next period. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL AS YOUR PAJAMAS STOP YOU FROM GLEEFULLY EAVESDROPPING?! GO LISTEN!

Though yes, I have noticed this. Seriously, that girl ALWAYS gets rescued in the end. I wish someone would just kill her off before her little boyfriend interrupts. Or maybe have her break the heel of her shoe and fall off the dock. (I have nothing against Nancy Drew, but REALLY, she's like...BARBIE, or something. SHE EVEN HAS THE BLOND BARBIE HAIR! AND THE KEN-LIKE BOYFRIEND! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!)

No, I think Kiba and I will be okay...I hope.

Dammit Ino, that's not going to happen for a LONG, LONG time. Unless Sasuke-kun has some reason to WANT to have sex with me, like he's going off on a murder-mission and wants to make sure that he at least pops out a FEW kids with me before going off and potentially dying.

...oh my god. You don't think that's gonna happen, do you?!

--Sakura

P.S- SEX! THERE, I SAID IT! I was referring to something you've NEVER done, which is making love. I hope you trip and fall off a staircase.

P.P.S-- I agree with you. Lavi is GORGEOUS. But Allen is hotter.


From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: So long as no one finds out, I think it's safe

Wow. TWELVE years? No shit? That's a long time to be denying your feelings for someone. You're right, it IS a good thing they have us or else they probably NEVER would've gotten together.

Oh God, PLEASE do not make me think such terrifying images. I mean, that would require Sasuke to be ROMANTIC, and that's just a WEIRD mental image.

Sweet! When are you coming home? And no thanks, I'm perfectly fine here by myself. I want to wait a little while after breaking up with Sakura (it hasn't happened yet, but it will later) and then find someone else. Shouldn't be hard, eh? Too bad you've got that PH dude Sakura talked about, or I would've gone for you. Then again, it wouldn't have lasted very long, knowing you. Or rather, how you used to be. I'm very proud of you, by the way.

--Kiba


From: Angel4awhile
To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I work at McDonalds. I was bored, and driven to extreme measures.

I don't think Chouji's gay. And I was looking for hobos, not gay couples. I hope he's not gay. God, PLEASE. He hangs around PH a lot already and I DO NOT NEED MORE COMPETITION.

Please, Sakura. I was not looking at Sasuke's ass when he was five. I was afraid of him, for his rabid tendencies were kind of offsetting. And he kept waving the red crayon around. God. Freak.

I did not want that crayon at all. Honestly, there were plenty of others.

Alright, I have taken your advice, and I was Ino: Super Spy. I shamelessly lurked outside the hallway listening to them argue. Oh, drama, how I have missed you, my love.

Temari: "I'm sorry this is inconvenient for you, but this is a big opportunity for me. Are you going to support me on this or not?"

PH: "…Troublesome."

Temari: "Dammit, is there anything that you CAN do without me having to drag you there?"

PH: "Temari…"

I was gleeful. It sounded like they were breaking up. YES, YES THERE IS A GOD.

PH: "I love you."

You IMBECILE.

Temari: "Not enough, though."

PH: "…"

Temari: "…"

Ino: "Ach-oo!"

Yes, I chose this precise moment to sneeze. Luckily, I was only a little ways from my room, and was able to dive across the hall, and use the ninja-moves Naruto taught me to get into bed before anyone saw. (Basically, I somersaulted, tripped over my shoe, and then fell into bed.)

ALSO, WHILE ARE DISCUSSING NANCY DREW: Why the hell is Ned staying with her? Does she ever even KISS him in these books? He like, isn't even present until the very end which is when they need some muscle power and he has to heroically dig Nancy out of an avalanche.

Good God, poor Ned. He's probably doped up on Prozac or something.

I wouldn't worry about Kiba or Sasuke. The odds of Kiba asking for a threesome are marginal, and about Sasuke demanding children—

Well. I'm sure you'd make a great mother.

--Ino

P.S. Oh yeah? Lavi has a GIANT HAMMER and RED HAIR and he travels with a little panda-dude.


From: Angel4awhile

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: Like either of them will find out. Only took them a decade to discover the moon-eyes they were making at each other.

You're going to history class in a minute, right? You all have that class together. Do not forget to ask for a threesome.

I'm sure Sasuke is very romantic. He'll obviously remember to send her flowers on Valentines day and a buy her presents and—

Sorry, I had to stop. I think I might've been getting a seizure.

Are you sure I can't get you together with someone? I know a very pretty blonde model. Who will be single. Soon. I hope. Please.

You're proud of me? I think I might have to buy you some more candy. Who bribed you into this sudden compliment?

Love,

--Ino

P.S. The PH thing is rather strained. I might have to elope with you after all.


From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Liar. It's called not having a life.

That would be like, Naruto and Sasuke being gay. Together.

...oh my god.

Please. You KNOW you wanted Sasuke to share the red crayon with you. But he wouldn't, 'cause he was too busy sharing with me. Be jealous.

I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO HEARTBREAK HOTEL! (And yes, dammit, I AM overlooking PH telling Temari he loves her. He is OBVIOUSLY confused. Poor kid. And then YOU will be there to comfort him when she leaves him, and he will open his eyes and realize that YOU ARE THE ONE FOR HIM!)

Yeah, you're right, they DON'T kiss. They're barely even a couple!

And I'd make a terrible mother. I'd be so used to having a house full of kids that that'd be what I want-- a lot of kids. And then I'd feel bad if I ever made the oldest look out for their younger siblings, since I know how that feels.

--Sakura

P.S-- Bite me. Allen is more adorable, and stop using my love of pandas against me.


From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

To: Angel4awhile
Subject: This is true, but their vision is no longer clouded, and they might start getting suspicious.

Don't worry about it, I won't forget. And I get the feeling Sakura and I'll be breaking up quite soon, but no worries. I'd rather see her with the Uchiha.

C'mon, Ino, don't kid yourself. Sasuke? Flowers? Those two words don't belong in the same sentence unless there's 'setting them on fire' in between.

Urgh, are you talking about that Temari girl that Sakura always grumbles about? No thank you, I'm not THAT desperate.

No one bribed me, I just felt you needed it. (And no, I'm not trying to prep you up to feel good around that PH dude. Honestly.)

--Kiba

P.S- Sweet. I vote that we get married outside, since you'd probably start burning the minute you stepped foot in the church.


Kiba,

Sorry that I didn't see you yesterday. I didn't feel well. Anything big happen in History?

--Sakura


Sakura,

No worries. But do you feel better? And you did miss something very important and most likely crucial to the semester grade. Apparently the British lost the Civil War.

I think it's nice how they occasionally slip in some 'retarded' teachers. Just to spice things up.

--Kiba


Kiba,

Not really. I feel sick to my stomach and jittery.

...You're KIDDING ME. Are these people for real? I swear, we should get PAID to come to school, just for having to put up with their stupidity.

--Sakura


Sakura,

It's a corrupt system. And they wonder how people like me get into honor's classes. Anyway, are you feeling better? Or is the glare from Mr. Bald--I mean Mr. Blake making your head hurt?

---Kiba


Kiba,

Aw, don't. You're smart; people just don't realize it yet.

The only reason why Mr.B would make my brain hurt is because it's currently going 'hurr hurr retard alert.'

And I am a bad person. And I'd really like to apologize to you, Kiba.

--Sakura


Sakura,

Of course. I am obviously genius material. Why, only yesterday I discovered that you turn blue if you hold your breath long enough!

I think Mr. B's head is rather fetching. I like checking my reflection in it.

Last I checked you were a pretty good person. What's up?

--Kiba


Kiba,

Well, uhm, academically smart, I meant.

Well, his forehead IS rather shiny. Hey, I can see myself! ...I have split ends?!

Well, uhm, I kinda...kissed Sasuke. Oh God, I'm about to start crying. But I am SO sorry. I really didn't mean to, but I mean, one thing lead to another, and I was so confused but I REALLY love him, truly and deeply and I care for you, you've just been the best person to me (besides Ino) and I WISH I could love you, but Sasuke...

I'm really, really sorry Kiba. And if you choose to hate me and never talk to me again, I'll understand. I totally deserve it.

--Sakura


Sakura,

...You kissed Sasuke, huh?

Hey Sakura, have you ever thought about having a threesome? That way everyone's happy!

--Kiba


From: Sasuke
To: Kiba

Hey mutt, care to explain why Sakura started screaming and fainted after she read your note? Carrying unconscious girls through the hallway to the nurse's office isn't really my forte.


To: Sasuke
From: Kiba

I suggested a threesome, cause she broke up with me and was WAY upset about it.

Besides, aren't you supposed to be Romeo?


A/N- Ren's note is on the bottom. Go read it. After you're done reading mine, cause you know you want to. Anyway, we are truly and utterly sorry about the long wait. Honestly, we are! Ren went on vacation a lot, and communication (meaning computer time. Though we did talk on the phone) was limited. So, uhm, yes, don't kill us? WE GIVE YOU FLUFF! ...and no, we're not trying to bribe you off with it. Honestly.

Anyway, school (for Ren, anyway) starts like, next week or something, so updates might be a little slow, 'specially since she'll be going into high school (where I'm a Sophmore) and our time zones are different. We're really sorry about this, but hey, you guys have other fanfiction to preoccupy yourselves, so no biggie. (now, I command you to go read Ren's A/N!)


Ren's note to the readers: And now I'm going to abuse my newly discovered power of being able to give you guys shout-outs.

Or I would, if I could think of anything to say. I suppose I should review my summer homework, I mean, the review is probably going to tell me about the upcoming school year. And I don't even need to review my options, since I definitely want to go to Stanford one day.

(Good luck with that, self.)

This is Ren, signing off.