This is the first chapter that I wasn't happy with. I didn't like the story that was written for Tali, but it was the one that stuck with me over and over again, so its the one I wrote. To make up for it, the next chapter going up will be more funny, more WTF, and more cringe worthy.

Standard disclaimer applies.


Tali'Zora - A bit of a perve

The Normandy was running quiet, scouting out a system that all reports said had been claimed by the reapers. Aboard, all was quiet. The normal activity was all on hold, as ground missions had been scrapped. Duty rosters had been folded back, to allow the crew time to rest up.

At 0300 hours, the elevator doors silently slid open. A figure in a black catsuit emerged, pulling a hood up to cover their face. Activating their omnitool, with a few button presses, the lights of the crew deck faded to a dimmer setting, and the light on the base of the security monitoring camera blinked once. Checking the hall, the figure smiled to themselves, as they stepped out of the elevator, and slid around the corner, into the mess.

Taking a moment to make sure that no one was about, the mysterious figure stepped back to admire her handiwork. The mugshot of Commander Shepard hung for all the crew to see. It had taken some work, getting it up there the night it was hung. Directly below it, hung the portrait of Garrus. Getting that one up had been easy, but even more impressive was the small holographic emitter that had been embedded, to keep it covered until after the masked individual had been off the ship. Knowing that fingers would get pointed quickly, creating an alibi had been a necessity. To the left of Garrus, hung Spectre Williams. That night had been close. Half way through securing it to the bulkhead, Ashley had stumbled out of the observation deck to get a glass of water. She had walked right past the masked figure, hanging her mugshot on the wall, and returned to her rest.

Tonight, the figure had prepared in advance. The crew was all on down cycle, and, thanks to a small hack of the systems, were all locked in their quarters for the next half hour. The elevator had been locked down after they had exited, and would only unlock to their omnitool. Smiling to themselves, the figure pulled out a rolled sheet of photopaper, and the sealing gel.

Ten minutes later, a rather cute looking picture of the Quarian crew member, Tali'Zora, had been added next to Garrus. Smiling to themselves, the figure moved back to the elevator, and returned the crew deck to its original setting. Not even EDI would notice the fifteen minute blackout in her logs. The elevator doors slid closed, and as the crew deck was unlocked, a feminine chuckle could be heard as the elevator slid away.


*0600 hours*

The mess was abuzz with activity. The picture of Tali laying on the floor, three empty bottles splayed around her head, and several magazine images of both Turian and Quarians had everyone's attention. The tiny Quarian was one of the first on the scene, but in an unusual (for her anyway) way, she was tight lipped about it.

Finally, when the bulk of the crew was seated and eating, did Joker pipe up, "Gather round, boys and girls, and hear the tale to be told. Of a tiny little Quarian girl, who fancied herself a bit of a perve…" Tali rolled her eyes at Jokers theatrics of the situation.

"Our tiny little Quarian was oh so sweet, and saved from the hero's she'd hoped she'd meet…" A cough from the crowd could be heard, and then Shepard stood up.

"Joker, tell the story without rhyming, or I'll get someone else to do it." She threatened. Joker sighed.

"Sure Commander. Our story takes place about a month after the first Normandy was lost in space. We had mostly gone our separate ways, and Tali, Garrus and I were waiting on the Citadel…"

Tali closed her eyes, slipping back to a differnt time.


It had been a long month. After spending a week in an escape pod, the crew had finally been recovered by a SSV Tuscany, and brought to the Citadel. Shepard's funeral had taken place a week later, a harrowing event in which the tiny Quarian had been forced to hold back tears for her friend. Both she and Garrus had stood in attendance at Liara's side. The Asari had been an inconsolable wreck. A day after the funeral, Liara had vanished into the crowds of the citadel, and was nowhere to be found. C-sec had been looking for her, but Garrus had told her that the doctor needed time.

Tali had then signalled the Flotilla, requesting transport back to the fleet. Garrus hadn't decided on his future plans, and had been keeping the Quarian company most days. A new addition to the duo was Joker, the pilot, who, having been discharged from the Alliance, and had nowhere else to go. The newly formed trio had spent a few days trying to track their friends, and finally given up, returning to Garrus's residence. Garrus was quick to bring refreshments for the group, and several hours had passed, drinking and toasting to Commander Shepard.

"Here's to Shepard. May she find peace at the great bar in the sky!" Joker declared, his face was very red, a sign that he had had a few too many already.

"May the spirits watch over her." Garrus added, his mandibles slightly drooped. "And may she find peace, wherever she is."

"Ancestors guide her. And may they guide us all." Tali added, before sicking the straw back into the port. They sat in silence for a spell, before Tali finally broke it, "This is to morbid. To quiet." She tried to stand, but swayed under the effects of the alcohol. "Bosh'tet's, the both of you." Stumbling over the Turian's legs, she made for the exit, mumbling under her breath.

Emerging out into the ward as a whole, she Tali stumbled down towards the nearest storefront kiosk. Waving her omnitool across the screen, and taking her assorted purchases from the confused merchant, the very drunk Quarian stumbled back out into the wards, chuckling while flicking through the lastest issue of 'Turian Military Hunks Quarterly (by Fornax)', she stumbled into an alleyway, and parked herself behind an air scrubber.

It was here, unconscious, several hours later, that Garrus and Joker had found her. To her utmost shame, she had thrown her arms around the Turian's neck, and tried (and failed) to kiss him right there and then. Luckily for her, the human had laughed at the scene, and throwing her arm around his shoulder, helped get her back inside.


"… So Garrus and I both found her the next morning, drooling over pictures of Turrian and Quarians, and one or two Asari. I was a bit sad then, that she didn't come looking for me," he added with a wink to the Quarian, who was now trying to hide in her seat. The rest of the crew had a good laugh, as the group began to disperse about their day.

Shepard sipped her coffee, leaning back against the wall with the mugshots on it. A small lopsided smile crossed her lips, as she watched her companions heated discussion around the table.

"It HAS to be EDI. She and Joker would consider this a HUGE joke to pull on all of us, and now that she has a body, she can move about the ship as she pleases." Liara exclaimed.

"No way. It's not her style," Garrus interjected, before adding, "But I think you are right with Joker. This is the sort of thing he would think of as a huge laugh." Tali cut him off from continuing.

"It can't be. How would he have found out about Ash? Or you?" She rested a hand on his, and turned to look at him. Shepard's smile got a bit wider. 'About time, you two. Now get a clean-room?' she thought to herself. Liara glanced around the room once, but they were alone in the mess.

"I may have to set up some broker monitoring devices to see who it is." It wasn't a threat, Shepard knew. Liara would probably have the whole mess being monitored by the end of the hour. Deciding that this had gone on long enough, she steered the conversation in a different direction.

"So, who do you think will be next?" She asked the group, whose attention was snapped onto her.

"Liara." Garrus answered, without hesitating.

"Wrex." Tali added, after a moment to consider.

"I'll stick with my last guess. Joker." Liara added. Unlike the other three at the table, her name could still come up, and she was beginning to hate that feeling. Addressing the Commander, "Shepard?"

"Nope. Still not guessing. I'm starting a betting pool instead. It's safer than to speculate." Shepard smiled, "Besides, I don't want to pick favourites." She added, before pushing herself up. Nodding to the three of them, she stood and carried her cup to the sink to rinse it.

"I will see you all later?" She asked the group, before placing a small kiss on the Asari's crests. Tali and Garrus nodded, both of them eying the Commander and the Asari. Liara blushed.

"Wait for me." She groaned, standing up and following the Commander to the elevator. Behind the retreating pair, Tali and Garrus could be heard restarting their discussion.

"You don't suppose its Shepard?" Tali asked, a hint of shock and awe in her voice.

"Couldn't be. Could it?"