A/N: Greetings from planet Ren! Well, we just finished writing this a few minutes ago--and since Missa won't be here for Christmas, we're posting it now! So, hope you enjoy this present: the longest chapter yet! Thanks to all of you who've stuck with us for so long, only one chapter left...
It feels like the baby's all grown up and going to college. (SNIFF.)
I am dedicating MY half to Miko-chan, for her kind words and inspiring praise. Thank you for being cool. Don't you dare go hide under that rock.
Merry Christmas!
...(Haha, I got to top!)
The Eccentric Files
Action9: Go for the Gold
To: Angel4awhile
From: GreenEyed07
Subject: ...it is kind of sad how excited I am
Okay, so, I'm skipping lunch to write this to you. (I KNOW you're glaring at the screen right now, Boar, but you skip lunch all the time, remember? Besides, I had like, two things of chocolate chip pancakes, so whatever, I'm not hungry.)
Hooray for Mr. Butters! (and hey, while you're "borrowing" pairs of Temari's shoes, borrow me some too, okay?)
(And yes, you may upgrade PH's shrine. I KNEW he was a brave man!
...then again, who ELSE dodges a speeding bullet?)
So, whenever you get this, tell me how your (super gay) Fast Food Olympics went, okay?
--Sakura
P.S- I'm going on a date later with Sasuke-kun. Oh. My. God.
To: GreenEyed07
From: Angel4awhile
Subject: You got lucky! (Innuendo totally implied)
Beeeetch, YOU LIE! Making your fingers friendly with your esophagus is not dieting, no matter what freaking Vogue says!
And you know that all of this hostility from a lunch-skipper such as myself, (oh, admit it Sakura—you want to be one of the cool kids…LIKE ME. PAHAHA.) is actually just jealousy because I WANT SOME PANCAKES TOO.
Instead, I am forced to swallow my disappointment.
GODDAMN IT, WE WERE ABOUT TO WIN!
So, like, I was all pepped up for the fast food Olympics. I was going to PWN. And yes, I realize that I am quickly turning into a netspeak-addict. This is not my fault. PH just likes to play his stupid little Dungeons humping Dragons—ONLINE! (Or whatever you call it.)
(Yeah, his screen name is The Darkest Shadow. WAHAHA, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS A NERD.
But it should be noted that he is an impressive level 78, and has a shield of Gondor. I mean, I had to…check this game out, didn't I? Make sure it was age-appropriate? Wouldn't want his virgin eyes to be…
Shutting up.)
ANYWAY, THE FAST FOOD OLYMPICS.
…Dude.
Starting from the beginning, because that's always the best place to start…
So, like, we met at the arena, (which was an alley way) and made our leisurely way to the registration, (which was a cardboard box some hobo had crawled into. I made him go away. But then I felt bad, so I gave him my phone number. Yeah, like he's going to waste his quarters on me, I am so totally safe) and had a short glaring fest with our archenemies (Burger King Employees.)
And then…I got my VERY FIRST PEP TALK.
We all sat in a circle. And then I made everyone hold hands. Mostly because I like watching Gaara suffer. (He wants your e-mail. Permission to tell?) So there we were; me, the Burger King, Gaara, Kankuro, Larry-the-cook, and Maggie-the-janitor. All of us sitting to attention, (except Gaara, who was blatantly plugged into his ghetto CD-player, and Maggie who was sleeping, and Larry who was dealing cards to Kankuro—
Okay, so maybe I was the only one. Shut up. Knowledge is power!
…power corrupts, so be evil and stay in school.)
The Burger King: "You all know why we're here. This is our moment. This is our time to show that—yes, Ino?"
The DIVA: "Permission to sabotage, sir!"
The Burger King: "Denied. As I was saying, this is when we show those worm-infested patty makers that—yes, Ino?"
The SUPERSTAR: "I get to fire in the squirting competition, right?"
The Burger King: "The last time I handed you one of those things, you shot burning liquid in my eye. We need you for morale support, Ino."
The GODDESS: "You're making me into the cheerleader, aren't you?"
The Burger King: "This is a team effort—"
THE RAGING BALL OF FURY: "But—I practiced!"
The Burger King: "…Gaara, take the squirt gun from her. And why are you writing all of this down, Ino?"
(So that I could have it recorded as future evidence of your unfairness, you bastard! Actually, it was just so I could show you.)
Gaara: "Shut up, I'm not doing this."
(I would KILL for this squirt gun, you twerp!)
TBK: (glaring) "You are deliberately ignoring the rules of your superior—"
Gaara: (flatly) "This is stupid. I'm leaving."
Kankuro: "Shit, Gaara, give me a second—I'm about to win—"
AVATAR OF WRATH: "THIS ISN'T FAIR. YOU ARE PLAYING FAVORITES. I'M FILING FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"
TBK: "GAARA, IF YOU LEAVE, YOU'RE FIRED. INO—"
Gaara: "You can't fire me. These aren't my working hours. This is completely out of your jurisdiction."
A team player: "Fine, I'll be the best damn cheer leader you've ever seen! Then you'll have to let me play!"
TBK: "You…STOP IT. PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON. NOW."
Gaara: "Never mind. I'll stay."
(HA! I KNEW THAT BOY HAD HORMONES!)
Okay, so, like, I really need to get ready for my shift now, and bully PH into waking up and giving Mr. Butters a bath, so I'll finish this later, alright?
Sexily,
--Ino
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx
From: xxRamenNinjaxx
Subject: BAD NEWS!
I realize that we're in typing and I'm supposed to be drilling on vowels right now—BUT I HAVE GRIEVIOUS NEWS.
Sasuke's video on YouTube is huge. It's on the front page. He has over ten million views. It was on MSN news. Dude, there are talent agents trying to get his phone number.
And Shino's already opened the auction for this 'exclusive information' on eBay. Go take a look—it just hit six figures.
We have just created a celebrity.
HOLY. SHIT.
And now I have nightmares about Sasuke going up for High School Musical 3. WHAT IF HE'S SINGING AND DANCING ON TABLES NEXT?
Horrified but still a ninja,
--Naruto
P.S. And he somehow got a date with Sakura-chan. This is an evil we must stop. Luckily, it's a horror movie, so she won't get scared and hug him but—WHAT IF SHE FAKES IT!? She is a sneaky bugger, sometimes…
To: fINK
From: xxRamenNinjaxx
Subject: Are you related to Michael Jackson?
…Because you keep sending my URLs to porn sites. Seriously, stop it. I do not want to look at pictures of under aged boys. Especially since, now that Sasuke's so famous, some people are starting to do sick, nasty things with Photoshop and—
Oh, god.
More ninja than YOU,
--Naruto
To: xxRamenNinjaxx
From: fINK
Subject: He's my pen pal…
And I find him a very engaging individual. Please keep your rude comments to yourself, Naruto-kun.
And there's no need to be so jealous, even if you are dick-less.
Sasuke? Excuse me, I need to Google something…
--Sai
To: fINK
From: xxRamenNinjaxx
Subject: RUN!
YOU ARE SUCH A HYPOCRITE!
AND STAY AWAY FROM GOOGLE! THAT THING IS ALL-KNOWING. IT CANNOT BE UP TO ANY GOOD.
Ninja, bitch!
--Naruto
Item: Your future boyfriend's phone number
Current highest bid: 560,750 dollars
Buyer: Lin Karin
Seller: Aburame Shino
Closes: five hours
Description: The secret phone number for that mysterious, sexy man spreading like an online wildfire is now on sale. Being a close correspondent, I'll also offer name, home address, and a brief biography—including likes and dislikes. Guaranteed transaction, full refund should any information prove false or inaccurate.
Make your bid:
To: Angel4awhile
From: GreenEyed07
Subject: Jealous?
...relax, idiot. I'm not anorexic, OR bulimic. (Though I bet you wish I was, muahaha.)
And I REFUSE to share my chocolate chip pancakes with you. You can have the buttermilk ones, though.
OH MY GOOD GOD, INO, JUST TELL ME WHO FUCKING WON ALREADY! (Though I'm sorry it wasn't you.)
And you do, indeed, have my permission to give my e-mail address to Gaara.
INO! DO NOT LEAVE ME NOW! I AM ABOUT TO GO ON A DATE WITH SASUKE-KUN! HEEEEEELP MEEEEE!
--Sakura
P.S-- And you are not sexy. Who's been lying to you?
To: xxRamenNinjaxx
From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx
Subject: Somehow, I don't find this surprising.
And yet, all this information is strangely frightening. And I feel bad for Sasuke. Don't you? (You're a horrible best friend, by the way.)
Also, relax, Naruto. Do you think Sasuke would DEGRADE himself so much to be like Zac Efron? Or however you spell his name. It's not important.
Don't worry; this'll all die down soon.
--Kiba
To: Uchiha723
From: Karinbabyyy
Subject: From your future wife!
I've won the bid. I know you're so happy, Sasuke-kun, because now you don't have to hide your feelings for me anymore! I know, you're so gracious for me, aren't you?
So, how about a date at seven on Saturday?
--Karin
P.S. And afterwards, maybe we can…be alone…
To: GreenEyed07
From: Angel4awhile
Subject: Not really. Knowing you, you'll probably embarrass yourself hideously.
Yeah, my life's dream is to have a best friend with an eating disorder. Thank you for this insight, Sakura. You have helped me to find my true heart's desire.
Not.
Your e-mail address is being given to Gaara. I am stealing your pancakes. I will walk you through this terrifying process known as dating with text messaging, never fear.
And now, to finish up my tale.
So, after I attempted to seduce our opponents, (I swear it would have worked—I was stopped because I am a minor. Like that has to do with anything. He has obviously not read fanfiction.)
But anyway. After that, I kind of…threw a hissy fit, and stomped off, (very sexily, ess tee eff yew, Sakura) and sulked with the Taco Bell girls. Who proceeded to mock me for being such a white girl.
Look, it's not MY fault that I can't tell the difference between a homie-G and a home-slice. Like, whatever; it can all be wrapped up into the universal and all encompassing concept…known as 'dude.'
Moving on.
So, Burger King kicked our ass in speed-cleaning tables, since Maggie was basically still half-asleep. And Taco Bell pwned on making a catching slogan—
I had no idea that you could make such a suggestive phrase about burritos, by the way. Seriously. And then they had to throw in 'slurping it down' with the coke and—dude. I think I might have to start eating at healthy places from now on.
So, yeah, basically we were sucking everything up, and they didn't let me even touch the squirt gun, and Kankuro lost all of his money half way through the entire thing and basically just went home, and Gaara only stuck around because I paid him to, and Maggie fell asleep in the alley, (we just sort of left her there and left) and—
I wonder where Larry went…
…where was I?
Oh, right. BUT THEN, MY MOMENT TO SHINE CAME! So I stepped up to the task with the proper amount of enthusiasm and decor. Never let it be said that I lack subtlety.
The QUEEN: "LISTEN UP, YOU MORONS! You are going to do EXACTLY what I say, and—"
TBK: "Ino. Get. Off. The. Trash. Can."
The Empress: "Shut up! I am saving your sorry ass! Now, as I was saying—"
Gaara: "Ino, can I go yet? You aren't paying me enough for this—"
RULER OF THE WORLD: "SHUT IT, DAMMIT! UNGRATEFUL MINIONS—I HAVE A PLAN!"
(It should be noted that I said this very dramatically. With much flourishing and dramatic posing. It was at this precise moment that the trashcan's lid caved in, and I very nearly had moldy bananas in between my toes.)
I forged on. (exclamation point!)
But I still feel that people ought to give me more credit.
Under my wise and gentle rule—er, guidance—oh what the hell, rule—our plan was set into motion!
This was the last contest—to see who could tell the most food and make the most money within an three hours. I went all out.
As in, blackmailing Kankuro to bring his (massive) stereo system, bribing Gaara into loaning me his retro lights, commanding TBK to start making bucket loads of fries.
Meanwhile, I set up the stage by pushing all of the tables together. And then I did the unthinkable.
I called Temari.
Yes, I know, I was pretty impressed with myself too. Even more impressive is—she came. And Chouji came too, and even PH! So, Chouji was in the kitchen making some of the best 5-dollars-for-a-meal food I have ever tasted, while Gaara did some sort of illegal lighting thing and made the room all blurry and wicked looking, and Kankuro set up the music system—(he wanted to play 'This Is Why I'm Hot.' Um, NO. There will be no Mims at my party.)
And PH, who is apparently a lot more artistic than I had originally thought and is able to do some sort of genius-hacker thing, managed to send an e-mail to just about everyone in New York.
I seriously couldn't believe it. Everything was going so smoothly. I got to wear some of Temari's shoes, (yesssssssss!) and everyone was getting along, (except for Maggie who was asleep in the alley, Larry who was abducted by aliens or something, and TBK, who just kind of stood in the corner and yelled that everything had better be back to normal when all of this was said and done.
Yeah. Because everyone'd take your crummy tables and red vinyl chairs over a rave, man.)
And dude, people came. And I got to be a rock star, just for a little bit, and dance and sing with Temari on our makeshift stage in fabulous clothes and everything was fantastic.
Especially since, uh, I can dance better.
(HAH.)
So I was feeling pretty good about myself. I mean, Burger King employees just stood out in the rain and tried to wave people in. Taco Bell shook their stuff, but didn't even come close. We were top of the game.
And seriously, if they would have let me participate in the first place, we would have won.
BUT NO.
FREAKING WENDY'S COMES ALONG WITH THEIR STUPID RED PIGTAILS AND SLATHERED MY HAIR IN KETCHUP UNTIL I LOOKED LIKE THEIR FRIGGING MASCOT.
And they were also the winners of the squirt gun thing, which meant that they won the whole contest, since two plastic-cup-lid-medals went to them.
…
SON OF A BUMBLEBEE.
We lost. To. WENDY'S.
I have to walk my cat. And I can't find his leash. He might've eaten it again.
SEXILY,
--Ino
P.S. Don't forget to text me. I'll be waiting. God knows nothing interesting ever happens to ME…
2sexxy2c: whoa, u ttly pwnd tht ogre
justcallmeMASTERINO: Thanks. Now speak in English.
2sexxy2c: lol bitch
justcallmeMASTERINO: You could say that.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Do you know a guy, TheDarkestShadow?
2sexxy2c: OMG tht guy iz l33t!
justcallmeMASTERINO: Thanks, I didn't know. So, you know him?
2sexxy2c: r u hot?
justcallmeMASTERINO: That's a mystery of this world. Are you a fat old pervert who sits inside all day?
2sexxy2c: no
2sexxy2c: im hot 2
justcallmeMASTERINO: Thanks for the info. You know where TheDarkestShadow is?
2sexxy2c: i tink hes near dungeon 489 dats wut my friend sed
justcallmeMASTERINO: Really? And we're on dungeon 84, right?
2sexxy2c: lol yea were newbs
justcallmeMASTERINO: …Does it make your brain hurt to type like that?
2sexxy2c: no dude u git used 2 it
justcallmeMASTERINO: Oh.
2sexxy2c: wanna go out?
justcallmeMASTERINO: We'll see. In the meantime, you want to come to dungeon 489 with me?
2sexxy2c: dude thtll take 4evr
justcallmeMASTERINO: It won't. I got this far in a couple hours.
2sexxy2c: srsly?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Yeah, I learned from the best. I'll help you level up, alright? If we go together, it'll be easier to kill the hard guys.
2sexxy2c: whoa ok
justcallmeMASTERINO: Cool. Let's go, then. I call that black vampire.
2sexxy2c: y do u wanna find this guy?
justcallmeMASTERINO: I live with him. I thought it'd be fun to play this weirdo game with him too, but I guess I have to catch up first.
2sexxy2c: SRSLY?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Why would I lie?
2sexxy2c: iz he hot?
To: Uchiha723
From: xxRamenNinjaxx
Subject: Since we ARE friends…
I thought I should let you know. You're like the biggest thing since sliced bread on YouTube, and there are agents all over the place, trying to hunt you down. Shino's just made a fortune off of your stats—he sold them to some super rich girl. I mean, REALLY rich. As in, she's paid over half a million dollars for your phone number.
That's really all I know. Seriously, I didn't think it was going to go this far. Whoa.
When you're dancing on tables and singing in school musicals, be sure to remember all the little people!
(Yeah, the whole e-mail right there? That was so I could LAUGH AT YOU.)
Seriously, I think you should go for it. You'd be brilliant in a musical. A thriller. A drama.
A COMEDY.
A CHICK FLICK.
Kiba has just read this over my shoulder. Now he's trying to purchase airplane tickets online. I don't think the school servers are letting him. He seems pretty set on trying anyways, though.
Dude, remember…
FOLLOW YOUR HEART!
Ningalicious,
--Naruto
P.S. Fergie kicks ass, SILENCE, INFERIOR MORTAL!
To: NHyuuga
From: PoInTy
Subject: My little munchkin cake!
How was your day, he-with-eyes-like-the-purest-snow-capped-mountains?
Love from she-with-a-smile-as-warm-as-the-summer's-embrace,
--Tenten
To: HHyuuga
From: NHyuuga
Subject: Do not open in front of family members
I know that your father has already formed some sort of insane idea that Tenten's going to marry me someday, but I would just like to say right here and right now that the girl is out of her mind, and I am breaking up with her.
I'd appreciate it if you'd help me break the news gently.
--Neji
To: PoInTy
From: NHyuuga
Subject: Please read this
Tenten, I think you're an amazing girl. But you're a little too amazing for me.
Sorry.
Love,
--Neji
To: NHyuuga
From: PoInTy
Subject: I read everything you send me, silly!
Oh, silly Neji. You did it wrong! You're supposed to have long, obscure metaphors that make others want to throw up!
Here, I'll help you. Use 'sun's kiss' in your comparison. You can't go wrong.
No need to apologize! I realize that sometimes you can be a little slow. That's why I love you.
--Tenten
To: HHyuuga
From: NHyuuga
Subject: Actually…
Nevermind.
--Neji
To: PoInTy
From: NHyuuga
Subject: That's good to know.
Can you help me practice for the soccer tournament?
--Neji
To: xxRamenNinjaxx
From: HHyuuga
Subject: Help
Naruto-kun,
Neji's talking to me about his love life. Or, he's e-mailing me. It's making me nervous. He usually doesn't talk to me unless he wants me to pass the mashed potatoes. I mean, he hasn't been mean to me since we were kids and you beat him up—so, I don't want you to do that again or anything, just—
I'm a little worried. He must be really stressed…
From,
--Hinata
To: HHyuuga
From: xxRamenNinjaxx
Subject: OH MY GOD
NEJI HAS A LOVE LIFE?! AND HE'S STRESSING AND ACTING WEIRD AS A RESULT?
…
Could you forward these e-mails, please?
(OH HAPPY DAYS.)
Ninja-fu!
--Naruto
P.S. Have you seen the video of Sasuke in the shower yet? If not, do. It's 'radically awesome' as you say at your place. Which means 'the shit.'
…Or wait is it, 'the bee's knees?'
To: Karinbabyyy
From: Customer Services
Subject: User Notification
The user, S. Uchiha, has blocked you from his contact list. Please contact us at YahooStaff if you have any questions or concerns. Be sure to check out our newest edition, version 3.4! Upgrade today, for free!
To: Uchiha723
From: Karinbabyyy2
Subject: Silly!
Oh, silly Sasuke!
That wasn't spam! I really did win—look, do you want to see the receipt?
I'm looking forwards to our date! And…the night…
Kisses,
--Karin
To: Karinbabyyy2
From: Uchiha723
Subject: Go away
Look, I don't like you. I don't care about how much money you paid, go away. I'm seeing someone else, anyways. Look, there's even a picture attached.
To: Uchiha723
From: Karinbabyyy2
Subject: Distance cannot break our love!
God, you should be so grateful you have me now. I mean, I can take care of that pink skank dragging you down, so no problem. Come on, Sasuke—I heard you like it rough.
-Karin
To: Karinbabyyy2
From: Uchiha723
Subject: Shut the fuck up
Take your fucking money and get the hell away from me. People like you make me sick.
To: Karinbabyyy2
From: Customer Services
Subject: User Notification
The user, S. Uchiha, has blocked you from his contact list. Please contact us at YahooStaff if you have any questions or concerns. Be sure to check out our newest edition, version 3.4! Upgrade today, for free!
To: xxRamenNinjaxx
From: Uchiha723
Subject: Die
You had better get those plane tickets and run.
From: Ino
To: Sakura
Dude, tell me about this date! When are you going? What are you doing? Do you have any condoms?
From: Sakura
To: Ino
Okay. I'm about to go on my date with Sasuke-kun. What should I wear?! (AND THERE ARE NO CONDOMS! SICKO!)
From: Ino
To: Sakura
Nothing.
From: Sakura
To: Ino
Be serious, Ino! I'm thinking my 3/4-sleeved green shirt, my denim skirt, and my black high-heeled boots. (Which I got back from your closet, Awesome-Boot-Stealing Bitch.) What says you?
From: Ino
To: Sakura
Interesting choice. I think that people in retirement facilities wear clothes like that. Minus the boots, since they're MY boots and therefore just awesome.
From: Sakura
To: Ino
Shut up! I thought you wore conservative clothes now! ...okay, fine, I'll wear a black leather skirt. Happy? And those are MY boots, but you've had them for so freaking long you think they're yours.
From: Ino
To: Sakura
Please, it doesn't matter what clothes you wear, you'll be taking them off soon anyways. When's your date? Where're you going? And actually I bought you those boots as a Christmas present, and then I just really liked them.
From: Sakura
To: Ino
Are you insinuating that Sasuke-kun and I will be having sex at the end of this date? Because if you think we are, you are sadly misinformed. (After all, this is SASUKE-KUN, not one of your own man-whores.) My date's in an hour. And whatever, THEY'RE STILL MINE. (And we're going to the movies.)
From: Ino
To: Sakura
I wasn't insinuating anything. I was stating a fact. And I seriously recommend chewing a lot of gum between now and your big show.
From: Sakura
To: Ino
THERE WILL BE NO SEX. (You pervert. Is PH secretly corrupting you, or something?) I already AM chewing gum. And since you've been absolutely no help whatsoever, I'm wearing what I previously told you I would.
So what's going on with PH and Temari?
The doorbell just rang. SHIT! E-mail me, okay? And don't leave out any details about him and Temari!
2sexxy2c: dude weve been on all nite
justcallmeMASTERINO: Yep. But we're on dungeon 345, aren't we?
2sexxy2c: yea
justcallmeMASTERINO: See? I told you I'd help you level up fast.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Do you know where TheDarkestShadow is right now?
2sexxy2c: lemme ask my friend
justcallmeMASTERINO: Take your time. I'll just go kill that pack of henchmen.
2sexxy2c: ok they saw him in 523 ysterday
justcallmeMASTERINO: Damn. Well, at least we're catching up!
2sexxy2c: im tired
2sexxy2c: wanna meet back here tomoorow?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Sure, but it'll have to be after my shift. I get out at 5:30.
2sexxy2c: hey me 2
justcallmeMASTERINO: Huh. That's odd. You on the east coast time zone?
2sexxy2c: lol yea
justcallmeMASTERINO: Oh. Maybe you live near me then. Are you in New York?
2sexxy2c: …yea
justcallmeMASTERINO: …Wow. I wonder if we know one another. You know a gorgeous blonde girl?
2sexxy2c: holy shit
justcallmeMASTERINO: What?
2sexxy2c: ur sn
justcallmeMASTERINO: What about it?
2sexxy2c: iz ur name ino?
justcallmeMASTERINO: …I thought that was pretty obvious.
2sexxy2c: omg
justcallmeMASTERINO: WHAT?
2sexxy2c: um
justcallmeMASTERINO: Just tell me already!
2sexxy2c: do u work in micky d's?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Yes…why…
2sexxy2c: this is kankuro
justcallmeMASTERINO: …Oh my God.
2sexxy2c: dude this is unreal
justcallmeMASTERINO: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THIS HAPPENING?
2sexxy2c: what r u doing playing d & d?
justcallmeMASTERINO: YOU'RE PLAYING IT TOO!
2sexxy2c: girlz lyk u do not play thez games
justcallmeMASTERINO: Thank you. I think. BUT STILL, THIS IS WEIRD.
2sexxy2c: dont tell temari
2sexxy2c: she thinks i quit years ago
justcallmeMASTERINO: Okay, but in return, we are never mentioning this again. Agreed?
2sexxy2c: ok
2sexxy2c: wait is TheDarkestShadow Shikamaru?!
justcallmeMASTERINO: Duh!
2sexxy2c: i think i need 2 go 2 bed now
To: GreenEyed07
From: valentineSTAKER
Subject: Hey
So, I got this e-mail address from Ino. This is Sakura, right?
Just a test e-mail. Delete it if you aren't her, or I'll kill you.
Test: What is the name of Ino's evil cat? If you can answer that, I'll know it's you.
--Gaara
To: ShikamanXX
From: valentineSTAKER
Subject: Asshole
What'd you do? Because Ino started crying. And then she cried on my shirt. And if I ever have to go through that again because of you, I will whip you with your own entrails.
So whatever it is, you better fix it, you asshole.
--Gaara
To: ShikamanXX
From: K-puppet
Subject: YOU BASTARD
Okay, what'd you do? Because if it was you or Temari, than I'll kick your ass. I swear to God, you had better have a good explanation, or I will make sure to send you the nastiest virus I can find. One that'll make your hard drive blow up.
Fucker.
--Kankuro
P.S. Are you really TheDarkestShadow?
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx
From: xxRamenNinjaxx
Subject: We have a problem. Again.
Dude, take a look at this:
Message Forwarded: Listen up, maggot. You don't know me, and it's going to stay that way, but you do know Sasuke-kun. So, I want you to break the pink leech off of him. I bought him off eBay, okay? I have rights! And I'm not going to let that little whore get inbetween us!
I realize that this is an inconvenience to you, and am fully prepared to pay you for it. Please e-mail me back so we can negotiate billing.
--Lin Karin
Oh my god. I am in way over my head. This girl is a FREAK! Like, a SERIOUS BASKET CASE.
I'm afraid. Hold me.
Ninjaful,
-Naruto
P.S. Actually, Sasuke wants to kill us too. I think we better leave the country. How's progress on those airline tickets?
Hey, this is the voicemail of Nara Shikamaru. I don't want to pick up the phone right now, so just leave a message, and I might get back to you. Don't hold your breath.
-click-
"Hey, Shikamaru, this is Ino. I think it'd be best if I just…moved out for a little while. I left Mr. Butters with you since…since he's technically your cat, but never fear! For I shall be back for him soon.
…Yeah, I was just calling to tell you that. So, uh, I'll see you later, I think."
-click-
"Shikamaru, it's Chouji. Call me back. I have a distraught blonde girl who's flirting with all my customers, and business is strangely good. If you don't make things better, I might have to keep her around."
-click-
"Listen up you shithead, I know where you sleep. My sister and all that, right? This is Kankuro, in case you haven't figured it out yet. Okay, so I've noticed that my sister's unhappy, and Ino's unhappy, and I'm not tell you to freaking pick one, because that's just screwed up and I would totally try for a threesome but—
…Wait. Oh. Right, well, anyway—I don't really give a crap about whatever's going on with you guys, but you better make them happy again. Because if you don't, I can and will kick you ass."
-click-
"This is Gaara.
You have twenty-four hours."
-click-
-The Diary of Ino Yamanaka-
May 30, 2007
Stuff I need to get around to doing:
Sakura's Play (only need another 200 dollars) (two weeks from now, last day of school)
Checking on Kiba's Love Life (Yeah, he just happened to find someone. Sure.)
Getting Sasuke to Pull the Stick of his Ass (No foreseeable development)
Slipping Tenten some Tranquilizers (God knows she needs them)
Get Idiot of a Best Friend through College (She better appreciate that)
Bribe Chouji into Healthful Food (because I really want a good salad right now)
Buy Cat Food (and keep eye on Mr. Butters)
Stop Meddling (disregard the above list)
So basically, I've been screwing everything up for my entire life. Way to go, Ino.
Okay, the really big thing I need to do? The one that I absolutely can in no possible way forget; do not think about Shikamaru. Do not. Not even a little bit. Thinking about them will result in a rubber band wrist-snap. So people will start thinking I'm one of the wussy-emo kids who doesn't even have the guts to cut themselves. Whatever, they can think it if they want to.
Because I am not playing third wheel. Just. No. I don't need any of that. Really, I can handle whatever on my own—and I'll just stay with Chouji for a little while and then, when I've got enough money, I'm going home. I'll just work there.
I guess this city's a little too big for me. I guess I was stupid to believe that everything could just happen the way I wanted to—that if I fought hard enough, I could get that impossible happy ending.
But…just, if I do get my happy ending, where will that leave everyone else? How many lives would I have to ruin for my own happiness? I didn't leave because of anything that anyone did, or at least, not to me. They just kept on fighting and screaming and—I don't want that. I don't want to be the reason for so much hurt. I don't want him to ever cry (or not, since he's a guy. I guess I mean I don't want that stiff-upper-lip-thing) because of something I did.
So, it's better this way. I think. Maybe they'll name their first child after me. Except I hope not, because that'd be kind of creepy.
…And now all I can think about is Temari saying, "Go give Ino a kiss goodnight!"
My imagination obviously has it out for me.
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
Where'd Ino go?
From: Shikamaru
To: Temari
She left.
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
Yeah, I got that. But where'd she go? Did something happen?
From: Shikamaru
To: Temari
Who knows? Do you even care?
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
We need to talk.
To: GreenEyed07
From: Angel4awhile
Subject: Your date with Mr. Wonderful
Tell me what happened. And I mean everything. I want hard R, not that wussy PG-13 garbage. Seriously. You have no idea how badly I want to hear this. I have a lot of money riding on the outcome.
Me and PH? Everything's fine. Temari's fine too. As is Mr. Butters—actually, that's a lie.
I have something to confess.
…I think my cat is overweight.
(How did that happen?!)
--Ino
P.S. I'm sure your granny clothes looked smashing. On the floor.
To: valentineSTAKER
From: GreenEyed07
Subject: Re: Hey
Yeah, this is Sakura. And the name of Ino's cat is Mr. Butters. (He's not evil, though! ...okay, well, maybe a little. But let's disregard that, shall we?) So what's up?
(Hey, maybe YOU can inform me on the Ino/Shikamaru/Temari situation, since Ino obviously thinks I'm going to swallow her DIM-WITTED LIES. What's going on?)
--Sakura
To: Angel4awhile
From: GreenEyed07
Subject: More like Mr. Asshole
What the hell do you think I am; some kind of prostitute? And this isn't a porn movie, Ino. Honestly, who's been corrupting you? (Also, it's nice to know that you've got bets going on with your little friends about the outcome of my relationship with Sasuke-kun. Bitch.)
Okay, so everybody's...fine? You're hiding something. DEFINITELY hiding something. Do I LOOK stupid to you?
...you THINK Mr. Butters is overweight? Ino, you feed him like, FIVE CANS OF TUNA. OF COURSE HE IS OVERWEIGHT.
--Sakura
P.S. Actually, that leather skirt was yours, SO HA!
P.P.S. The date was fine.
From: valentineSTAKER
To: GreenEyed07
Subject: I have an odd question
Can you come to New York? I want to meet you. Since it really is you, and have recognized that Ino's…thing…has rabies. I'm seriously going to have that thing tested.
I don't know what's going on. She started crying at work today, not breakdown-crying. Just sad-crying. Nara hasn't answered mine or Kankuro's e-mails or calls, and I haven't seen Ino since a few hours ago, but Temari talked to me a little while ago, and she seemed pretty upset.
If I find out, I'll let you know.
--Gaara
P.S. Who's better: Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson?
-The Diary of Ino Yamanaka-
So, I was thinking about quitting my job. Chouji said that he'll let me work at his place, and the pay's probably better. Also, I won't need to go through the humiliation of wearing such dorky uniforms. I really hope my future husband didn't see me in that—
Wait, no, I don't have a future husband. Independent, right. ME WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!
I think that was a spot-on Sakura impression, heh heh heh…
I really hope she never reads that. I just got a chill…
So, yeah, I'm sleeping on the couch. Kinda interesting, since I have a new favorite past time. I call it 'deep sea diving' but really I just stick my hand down between the cushions and see what comes up. I've found out why his couch is so uncomfortable, incidentally, considering the three batman action figures I've retrieved. (Chouji swears he has no idea how they got there. Uh-huh. Sure.)
Oh, hey, pizza boy—(why we order take-out when he owns a restaurant is kind of a mystery.)
Wow, um, cute pizza boy. Maybe I can marry him, since he'll inherit millions of dollars and—
I am such a gold digger.
Shut up, diary. It takes one to know one. I fully realize that this statement makes absolutely no sense in the context I have just used it in. Whatever.
But still. I exercised some self control and did not demand for his phone number. Mostly because I didn't have any money to tip him with, but whatever.
To: ShikamanXX
From: Sandprincess
Subject: Since you've been avoiding me…
Look, Shikamaru, you can't run from your problems forever. I know you're hiding somewhere, and that you've probably got your laptop with you, so I wanted to write this e-mail to you, since I know you'll at least read it. Hopefully. You better.
I know that I've said some bad things to you lately, and I wasn't acting very nice to you or Ino. And I really regret that because…I think under different circumstances, I might've been able to be her friend. She likes you. Both of us know that—hell, I think half of New York does.
That was…weird for me. Because you let her stay with you, no questions asked. I mean, you knew her for a few hours—on a hi-jacked bus trip. It took me weeks before you'd even let me into your home. So I guess I was jealous, because she was young and pretty, and obviously interested, and she was better at flirting than I am. I'm not very good at being romantic, you know? But you aren't really, either. It's kind of amazing that we stuck together for over a year.
But anyway, I really wanted to hate her. I did, a little bit, because she was pretty and I guess she caught your eye in a way I never have, not that you'll admit it. I don't think she liked me much either, at least in the beginning, since I was…you know, the enemy.
I bet you're sitting there thinking that this is all really, really stupid, huh? Trust me, it is. But you should pay attention anyways.
It seems like you two get along in a way that we don't. I know that there are something's that we share—like art museums and poetry cafes and sitting on rooftops—that she'll never be able to do. But I know that there are also things she can show you—things I couldn't. So…I do love you, Shikamaru, but I can't promise I always will. I know you won't, because let's face it—people make these promises all the time and then forget about them later on as the next big thing came around.
So, let's not pledge undying devotion, because seriously? Load of crap.
You know what I have to do now, and I'll text you later. We'll see how things go.
In the meantime, I'm going to get the girl for you. If I left it up to you, I doubt anything would ever happen.
Love,
--Temari
Hi, this is Ino's voice mail! Leave a message, and if you're cute, I'll call you back. Those of you who aren't can just hang up now.
…I mean it.
-click-
"Hey, Pig? Are you there? It's Sakura. Listen, what's going on? I thought things were going well—seriously, if I don't hear back from you, I'm going to come to New York. I mean it. Call me, we have a lot to talk about."
-click-
"Listen, Ino, are you okay? Because I just went over to your place and Nara told me you'd moved out. Where are you? Call me. We still have about 150 dungeons to go."
-click-
"You've got twenty four hours.
…to explain yourself."
-click-
"Hey you, this is Temari. Listen. I'm coming over there in a few hours, so don't go anywhere. We need to talk about some stuff."
-click-
"Ino, your cat has fucking rabies. I'm not kidding, this thing just tried to bite my foot off. Where'd you put the cat food? I think it's hungry."
-click-
Ino?
Yes, Chouji?
Why are we writing on a piece of paper and hiding under the couch?
So that Temari will think we aren't home. Shush.
And why do we not want her to know this?
She wants to talk to me.
Wouldn't this mean that you're supposed to go out there and talk?
Of course not. She's going to kill me for stealing her boyfriend.
You're dating Shikamaru?
I didn't say I succeeded with stealing her boyfriend!
You implied it!
You're imagining things!
I'm answering the door. She's not going away.
She will. She has to, eventually. Plus, if we answer now, she'll know we were hiding!
I should probably mention something.
What?
That door is not as good a protector as you think.
…Meaning what?
She's got a copy of the key.
…Oh shit.
See? She's opening the doo—
Kiba,
Is it just me, or is there a girl with red hair who looks suspiciously like a fan girl out in the parking lot? She's not a student here—do you think she looks sketchy?
…Did she just hump Sasuke's back tire?
Ninja-but-afraid,
--Naruto
To: GreenEyed07
From: Angel4awhile
Subject: Friend or Foe?
Sorry I've been dodging your calls. Just, so many things have been happening, and I didn't really want to talk about it until I had figured things out.
I want to get the unimportant stuff out of the way first, so…
Apparently, my cat is not only fat, he is also rabid. (LIES!) And I do not think you are a prostitute. I find myself thinking you are a prude, now. Considering that WHAT THE HELL I WAS SO READY TO SCREAM WITH YOU BECAUSE HELL YEAH, SAKURA GOT LUCKY.
Fun-sucker.
And now onto what I've been doing…
So, basically, I quit my job. I work as a waitress now, at Chouji's restaurant. But only part time. Basically, I got re-hired back at McDonalds. After I had my little…thing…I went back there and got on my knees and begged. It appears that The Burger King likes me more than he let on. And frankly? I would have missed him. A little bit. Maybe. Er…okay, not really at all.
But that isn't the important part. My breakdown had no trigger, just the realization that I was a home wrecker. Yes, I have these realizations frequently, but it got worse since they kept fighting. I mean, I was happy they were fighting, because that meant they would break up and then, ha-ha, I would win! But—just—that's such a sick way of looking at things, isn't it? I'd only be gaining through her loss. And the two of them started looking so tired and miserable and I finally realized that I was the only one who was really happy.
So…I just decided to go. I packed up my stuff and went to Chouji, who's letting me sleep on his couch. And I kind of avoided everyone for a day, called in to quit my job, helped out with the restaurant…
And then I got a call from Temari, saying she wanted to talk.
I panicked, and hid under the couch. Turns out she had a spare key, which means that I was thoroughly humiliated when she walked in on me hiding under the couch. And then I tried to flee down the fire escape. It took a while, since there were all these confusing ladders and stuff, and by the time I was halfway down, she had gone back down the stairs and was climbing up. Furthermore, she had shut the window. I was very, very trapped.
And also felt kind of stupid, since, y'know, I had just ran away like a little kid.
So I waited for her climb up, and just kind of sat there. She finally made it, and sat down beside me, and looked over and…
Well, she said, "He never does the dishes, plays on his computer all day, bums quarters off of strangers, and loves his stupid cat, even if he won't admit it."
I kind of stared at her. I think my mouth was open. She continued, "He'll leave the clothes lying around, and—like you—he dropped out." And then she reached out and put an arm around my shoulder. I was seriously about to fall over. Yes, while sitting down.
"In the beginning, I really hated you. I thought you were trying to steal my boyfriend," she took out a cigarette, and stared shredding it into grains of sometimes-legal drugs.
I just kind of stared at her, because…well, that was exactly what I was trying to do. How awkward.
"But—" and then she handed me some of the powder, which I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do with. "It was more then that. Sometimes you can't help but to reach for the things you really love."
Yeah, thanks. I'll use that excuse from now on. As soon as I figure out what it means, you friggin' hippie.
"So I wanted to tell you good luck," she looked like she wanted to cry. I know I wanted to. My eyes were all blurry. I kind of wish I was tough like she was, now. I probably looked like a little wuss. "He's a hard man to love."
And then she stood up, made her palm flat, and blew out her shredded half of the cigarette, so that the little bits of paper and powder dissolved into the already filthy air. I just kind of held my half and continued to be stunned/tearful.
She started walking down the stairs, very gracefully for wearing four-inch heels, and just stopped long enough to say, "But I guess you don't need any help on that part."
And that's what happened. About ten minutes ago. Chouji handed me the laptop through the window, so I'm sitting out here and typing this to you. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do now.
Enough about that, something obviously happened on your date. Out with it. If I gave you my embarrassing sob story, you're supposed to return the favor.
--Ino
P.S. You JACKED THAT SKIRT?! YOU WHORE! I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR THAT!
P.P.S. You know, PMS makes my mood swings pretty violent. They're kind of exhausting. Stop making me angry, you…angry-fying person!
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
I took the job. I'm on my way to the airport right now, so I guess I'll be in Italy for the next two years. I talked to her, by the way.
From: Shikamaru
To: Temari
Congratulations. You're getting a lot of publicity for this, aren't you? What'd you say to her?
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
Thanks, and yeah, I am. This is the chance that everyone dreams of.
If you go and talk to her, you'll find out.
From: Shikamaru
To: Temari
Remember me when you're famous?
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
You know I will. There's someone you need to go and see, now.
From: Shikamaru
To: Temari
I'll miss you. But not this thing you have where you automatically assume that you know what I want.
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
Have fun with your tough act. You won't even be able to function without me.
Don't be an idiot. For once in your life, why don't you try? I know that you can't fail with your method, but you can't win either.
From: Shikamaru
To: Temari
You are so troublesome.
From: Temari
To: Shikamaru
I'm not the only one. I have to turn off my phone now, I'm about to get on the plane.
I guess this is goodbye.
From: Shikamaru
To: Temari
Thank you.
To: valentineSTAKER
From: GreenEyed07
Subject: Well then, I have an odd answer
So I've decided I AM coming to New York. Since you asked so nicely, haha. Okay, well, that's PART of the reason. The other part is that my somewhat-boyfriend is a total jerk. Please tell me you don't have fangirls.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, and the next time you talk to your sister, can you tell her I said good luck in Italy for me? Because I kind of...hated her (Ino's best friend, remember? I was biased) but then it turns out that she's really cool. And she deserves to be happy. So yeah, can you tell her I said good luck?
--Sakura
P.S-- Expect me to be there by this weekend, play practice be damned.
P.P.S-- Sorry, but I have to go with Rob Zombie. Marilyn Manson kind of frightens me, with his eye and his I-wish-to-be-woman. Also, Rob Zombie's movies are AWESOME.
Naruto,
That is, indeed, a fangirl. Though there are many of those here, but I don't recognize her. Sasuke obviously does, though, because the move he just made could only approximately be summarized into 'flailing', though I'm pretty sure it was in horror.
Hey, I haven't seen Sakura at all today. And Sasuke looks more surly than usual. I wonder what happened on their date. Do you know?
--Kiba
To: Angel4awhile
From: GreenEyed07
Subject: Uhm, foe? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME!
...so you mean Temari was nice THIS ENTIRE TIME?! Oh my God, I feel like such a bitch. Though I'm sure you feel much worse. Oh Ino, we had no way of knowing it, and you know that. And maybe if Temari ever comes back from Italy, you, her, and I can be friends, since she apparently is really cool. (And can walk in four-inch heels. Wow.)
Okay, so, date. Right.
I wore your skirt, MY boots, and decided to change into my white long-sleeved shirt. The tight one. (Happy?)
We went to go see Saw 4, which was actually pretty good. I paid for my own ticket, though. But Sasuke-kun picked up the tab on my snacks, which kind of redeemed him. The girl behind the counter, though-- oh my God, Ino, you should've SEEN these girls assets. I'm no small size myself, but this girl must've had like, triple F's or something. And she was flirting outrageously with Sasuke-kun. Like, when she handed him the snacks, she learned against the counter so that her cleavage was all up-and-close, and then said, "If you need anything else, just let me know." And then she winked at him. WINKED! Ugh, some girls have no dignity. (And you've improved a lot, so I can't say anything about you. Besides, I'm biased.)
Okay, so, anyway, the movie was good. Kind of confusing, but good. Nice and gory, just the way I like it. Sasuke-kun didn't hold my hand or anything, but then again, I wasn't expecting him to. Then again, it wasn't too long ago that he was SHOVING ME AGAINST A WALL AND KISSING ME, so dammit, I think I DESERVE a little hand-holding. (I'm not whining. Honestly, I'm not!
...okay, maybe a LITTLE.)
Right. So, the movie was over, and I REALLY had to pee (I blame that medium soda) so I went to the bathroom, came out, and found Sasuke-kun squashed against the wall and some red-haired girl had thrown herself at him and was kissing him.
But he hadn't moved to throw her off. I think maybe he was just in shock, but STILL. He has way too many fangirls. How am I supposed to compete with THEM?!
So he kind of choked at the sight of me, FINALLY threw her off, grabbed me by my arm, and took me home. I thought he would've at LEAST tried to explain, but...nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
So now, I'm online, shopping for airline tickets. Despite the fact that it's Thursday, I found some pretty good tickets to New York. I'm coming to visit you and all of your wacky friends. Yes, including Gaara. Maybe I can be happy with him, who knows? Sure, he'll probably never make my knees weak, or make my fingers tingle whenever his hand accidentally brush mine, but still, I'm so tired of being in love with Sasuke-kun. Besides, maybe a change of scenery will do me some good.
The only thing I'm worried about are the kids. I mean, who's going to take care of them? My parents can barely take care of THEMSELVES, and Kazuhiko told me that he'd take care of everything, but let's face it, Ino, he's TWELVE. Still, I'll tell my mother that she can take care of them for a weekend.
I'm coming to see you. Don't even TRY to dissuade me.
--Sakura
P.S. Ino, I think you're blind. It was buried under your light blue tank top
P.P.S. You're telling ME. Ever wonder why I tend not to anger you on your Time of the Month? There's a good reason for it; you're SCARY. And emotional.
From: Sakura
To: Ino
Okay, I guess you haven't checked your mail today. It's after school, I successfully skipped school again, and now I'm at the airport. I'll see you soon, okay? I miss you too much to be separated from you much longer. (Besides, who ELSE is going to tell me how big my calves look in the school skirt, and that maybe I should hike the skirt up a little bit more to even out how long my legs look?)
Missa's A/N: Alright, I know you guys were looking forward to an update, but my computer broke, and I was without one for two months. I know, I don't know how I did it, either. I'm just amazing like that. Plus, Ren had finals, so we had to wait until break began to update TEF. And we wrote almost 9,000 words in just two days, mostly thanks to Ren, so remember to thank her in your reviews, okay guys?
To everyone who wished me a happy birthday, thanks! My birthday wasn't bad, and I got some pretty good presents. (Like Grey's Anatomy seasons 1-3. Anyone watch that show? Grey's is love.) Anyway, the next chapter is the last. I know, Ren and I are upset about this too. But, never fear! Another story is lurking on the horizon. It'll probably be up by this summer, but don't hold me to it.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and the next chapter will be up soon! Don't forget to review!
