AN: Happy Birthday, Alice's White Rabbit (Sally)! Enjoy! This is for you!
Chapter 9
Teeny Tiny Dictator was going to find herself buried in a shallow grave if she didn't watch herself. "You just need to give it a try, Bella."
I had the perfect place in the woods. It was remote and no one would ever wander that far out due to the coyotes that were spotted there.
"It's going to help with your anger problems," she stated, as she continued to text Cheech. Dictator giggled. "He's adorable!"
I'm sure he was regaling her with tales of trying to figure out how to use vending machines for munchies and how invigorating it is to listen to two hour long Phish guitar solos.
"Does this lady even know how to do prenatal yoga?" I was praying no. The only stretching I liked to do was to grab chips off the highest shelf in the pantry.
"I did it when I was pregnant with my princess," Trailer pointed out. "It was very relaxing."
I looked at the old store front that was next to the Forks Dollar Emporium. The windows were covered in fluorescent yellow and pink peace signs.
No.
They each took an arm and dragged me into the den of awkward positions and heavy breathing. I looked around in horror at all the silk pillows and oriental rugs that were near the yoga mats. The colors were a dizzying array of patterns and bright colors. All the gold made me feel like I was an extra in a Bollywood movie. Were we all supposed to burst out into song?
The place reeked of incense and I began to gag. It was disgusting. The spawn didn't like this place one bit. I was certain my little monster would make me pay later. There would be an indigestion revolt later.
"I should leave to vomit in an alley. Then I'll go home and reload with the food this bump enjoys. Things like chips and cheeseburgers." I started to leave and was pulled back by Dictator's tiny chicken arms.
"Sally has pita chips, hummus and veggies to snack on. Also you need to hydrate more. I can see you looking paler by the minute," Dictator pointed out. Of course, I was looking pale. This place stunk. She pulled away my water bottle and opened it up to smell it. "Oh my God! Bella, this is fruit punch!"
"It's fruit." I wondered if I could trip her and run. There were so many pillows to break her fall that I wouldn't feel bad.
"It's sugar!" She handed me a water bottle instead. "Drink this!"
We began to glare at each other. There was going to be a yoga studio rumble and Dictator was going down.
"Please don't embarrass me in front of Mistress Sansa! She promised me some cleansing crystals for the trailer! They will cleanse Emmett's aura that is stinking up our home!" Trailer begged.
"A shower, toothpaste and some air fresheners would do the trick," I suggested. Then it hit me. "I thought her name is Sally. Why are we calling her a name from the Game of Thrones?"
My knowledge of that show was completely my kid's fault.
"It's her special yoga name. She's a true genius!" There were stars in Trailer's eyes.
Dictator added, "I want her to teach me all her magical ways! Do you think I can be her apprentice?"
They were inhaling way too much incense. It was making their brains turn to mush.
A high pitched voice rang out. It sounded like Minnie Mouse had sucked all the helium out is a balloon. "Rosalie and Alice! Namaste! Has this glorious day brought you clarity and serenity?"
Maybe for my two crazy friends, but this lady was giving me a headache with the sounds coming from her mouth. I thought I could hear dogs howling in the distance from her squeaking. It was probably hurting their poor doggy ears.
The woman was wearing a robe of many colors and it reminded me of my mother's obsession with the soundtrack to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat one summer when I had to visit her. It was hell. Strike one.
"You must be the sweet mommy! You and your darling baby have an aura of—" She placed her hands on my belly and cringed. "Black! How is your aura so black?"
Strike two. I moved away from her cold hands and a hiss escaped from me.
"Alice, get the cleansing candles! The ones that smell like the musk of the docile doe nibbling in the meadow! Rosalie, grab my hot stones! This poor child's karma is poisoned!" She was flapping her arms like a bird.
"Listen up, Sally—" I began.
"It's Sansa."
"Whatever." I took the candle that Alice had handed her and broke it in half. "No more stinky things. My aura is one of toughness and barely contained rage. My happy place, so back off."
She regarded me and with a squeak, "All vegetarian diet. No cheese!"
I let out a mighty scream. Now that was a great stress release.
My kid rushed in with a yoga bag. He dropped it to the floor. "Bella! Honey, what's wrong?"
"I'm going to strangle the yoga instructor. I believe it will ease all my tension." I tapped my kid's nose. "What are you doing here?"
"I thought we could learn some new positions." Kid wiggled his eyebrows. "The kinky kinds."
I looked at Sally with a hard stare. "You can teach the karma sutra? Change it around for a pregnant lady?"
She smiled. "I can teach you moves that will make your inner goddess glow."
"Fine. I will learn these moves and add hummus to my diet. Maybe cucumbers too. Now turn up the heat in this place." I was the perfect student. I turned to my kid. "Take off the shirt, Edward."
"Is this a good or bad Edward?" He smartly asked.
"Very good." I gave him a smile. He took off his shirt and in the odd mix of candle and florescent lighting I saw it. I was surprised I hadn't noticed before. "Kid, you have a little belly."
He looked down and cried, "I'm putting on sympathy pregnancy weight! No!"
It was hilarious.
