AN: Today is my birthday. Updating a lot of stories to celebrate.

Enjoy.

Chapter 13

Pinterest and Martha Stewart were the true axises of evil along with Bon Appetite magazine in my humble opinion. They made the common people feel as if they can create magical experiences by following a few badly written instructions and artfully staged pictures. What normally happens is a hot mess with the hostess having an epic meltdown.

In this case, make that three hostesses running around like headless chickens surrounded by a pale pink mixed with baby blue explosion. It was my worst nightmare.

"I told them not to do it," Kate explained, as we watched Dictator scream at a punch bowl of fruit punch and ice cream. Just the look of it made my nausea come back. I did, once again, question Dictator's sanity as she blamed an inanimate object for the wrong juice and ice cream ratio. "They never listen to me!"

"But they listened to me," Tanya said with evil glee. I was impressed by her deviousness. If I had to be disgusted, I wanted that disgust to be brought by my favorite frenemy. "I told Rosalie you wanted to make a baby bonnet out of paper plates and present bows. You'll be forced to wear it and I shall post the pictures on Facebook."

That's when I noticed Trailer with her monster baby strapped to her in a Baby Bjorn trying to carry a tray of sandwiches. The Godzilla baby was attempting to nab sandwiches to stuff in its mouth, while making her mother struggle to maintain her balance.

"You think we should help her?" Heidi came up to us, wearing baby shower appropriate black. She carried a present that was wrapped in Hello Kitty skull paper. She knew me well.

"Heidi, don't go ruining the show!" Tanya exclaimed. "If you're a good girl we can get it on in the bathroom."

"This is my baby shower, nasty one. Show some class." Then I I thought about it. "Never mind. Go on and be yourself. I won't try to extinguish your dirty flame."

Kate giggled. "Do you want me to call Edward? Would you like a moment with him?"

"No. I won't be doing anything with him until I want this baby to come out. He's being punished," I explained. "Just for future reference, ladies, having a large pumpkin in your gullet makes you not want to have sex. The constant peeing and sleepiness puts a damper on things as well."

Kid was still in big trouble. The only reason he was back in bed with me is that I needed a replacement body pillow and was unwilling to shell out the money for a new one. Kid was, stupidly, excited at first at this development. That was until he realized my body on top of him was heavy, that I could easily suffocate him, he was now constantly damp from the sweat pouring out of me, and I constantly flipped him around to get more comfortable. He wasn't sleeping well at all.

He did the crime. He does the time. It was his own damn fault.

"That's depressing." Kate looked ill at the thought. "Garrett wants six."

Teeth would want six. He would teach them art of exercise and cheesy positivity. Poor Katie.

"Heidi is going to be our breeder," Tanya stated. She smoothed down her too tight dress. "We can't waste this fine body to house a brat for nine months."

She was going to make me look like mother of the year.

Heidi looked at her girlfriend in shock and squeaked, "What?"

The spawn started weighing me down. "I need to sit."

"Pregnant fat ass," Tanya teased.

"Narcissistic, piece of tacky plastic," I quipped back.

Kate and walked over to a table decorated with a pink table cloth and balloons centerpiece. My friend held up a baby bottle filled with candy. "What are you supposed to do with these?"

"Add them to a landfill." This shindig was not even a little environmentally friendly. Who cares about the spawn's future when we can throw it a party that it can't even enjoy. It was just like a Martha Stewart children's party where the kids are sealed in plastic and forced to watch the adults eat all the goodies. They can't have the little darlings get messy.

Reading Martha Stewart's magazine was not by choice, by the way, but necessity. There are few good options in an OBGYN waiting room. You pick the least obnoxious choice in a sea of annoying articles that tell you how to be a good mother. It is hell.

Boobs was carrying a table with James Taylor. He looked about as happy as I was to be here. She dropped her side of the table to the floor and waved. "Hi Bella!"

The table must have been unnaturally heavy, because James cried out and dropped his side. "My fucking back!"

He glared directly at me and waved his fist. I blew him a kiss. James looked appalled. I hoped he would write me an epic folk ditty about the celebration of the spawn birth.

The thought of it made me laugh. The laughter made me pee myself in a gush. A gush that kept coming. Oh fuck.

Esme rushed over to us with a plate of food and bottle of water. "Honey, you look pale. You should eat!"

Kate was looking down in horror.

"I need to go to the hospital, Esme," I whispered. There was an intense pain in my stomach. This baby was trying to rip its way out. "You're stepping in amniotic fluid."

My mother-in-law looked down to find her fancy Italian suede pumps were in a sea of what the spawn had been swimming in.

She screamed, "Call the doctor! Call the ambulance! Call Edward and Charlie!"

I just watched and took a sip of water as the spawn continued to try to claw its way out of my skin.

James Taylor took one look at me and stated, "That's fucking gross, Swan."

I couldn't agree more.