AN: Enjoy.
Chapter 14
Hindsight is a bitch. It just reminds me of facts like I should have done more than one lamaze class.
Maybe not. That place was horrible.
Actually, lamaze class was the most mind-numbing waste of time that I had ever had to suffer through. Forced to lay our huge bodies on uncomfortable yoga mats while doting husbands and Kid tried to support our weight. Kid kept whispering sweet nothings that smelled like the pizza we had for lunch that was loaded with garlic. It was making me want to throw up on the fake baby we were supposed to swaddle.
The hippie who taught the class wore a caftan and talked about deep breathing that would let your spirit soar. I just wanted to see bloody birthing videos. She refused my request and instead talked about the joys of a decaffeinated life.
Needless to say, I walked out. I read a book about the labor process. That should have worked. The book lied about the excruciating cramping.
So here I am, in the hospital, dealing with the worst pain of my life.
"Stick the damn needle in my back," I told the nurse. "If you don't, I will kill you."
The nurse didn't even flinch at my threat. "Mrs. Cullen, I will need your doctor's okay for another one and then the anesthesiologist will come in to administer it."
That's right, I needed a second epidural. The spawn refused to come out and we were now at fifteen hours.
"No! Now!" The pain ripped through my stomach. "Quick! Pull it out before it breaks my spine and bursts out of my stomach Alien style!
"Bella, angel, I want you to have an ice chip." Kid brushed my sweaty hair out of my face. "No more drugs. The baby will come out loopy."
Through another intense round of agony, I had to snicker. Baby's first high was amusing.
"I want drugs or I want you rip it out with your teeth!" This little demon was taking its good, old time coming out. If it was going to burst out of my abdomen, then Kid needed step to the plate and help it get out.
Kid looked like he was going to vomit. "Nurse, I think labor is making her delusional! I think you need to call the doctor!"
The nurse snickered and continued to look at her notes. "All mothers in labor talk like this, Mr. Cullen. It's part of the miracle of birth."
"You did this to me! You put this monster in me, Edward Cullen!" I pulled him down by the neck of his shirt. "When I get the spawn out, I'm sticking it in you so you know how it feels!"
"Nurse, she's far too expressive! She's calling me by my name!" Kid was becoming panicked. He had a point, I wasn't acting like myself. It was his fault!
I pulled him closer and hissed in his face like a snake.
"Mr. Cullen, her behavior is perfectly natural. Let me call the doctor and have her check your dilation," she stated giving me a smile. Turning to Kid she added before walking out, "Make sure you don't rile her up, Mr. Cullen."
Kid somehow got himself out my iron grip and sat on the end of my bed and started flipping through the birthing book that was on the night stand. "Maybe I can find something to soothe you, Bella! This says. . . Never mind! This is a badly written—"
"Give it to me!" I pulled myself up in the middle of a contraction and pulled the book out of his hand. It was in the very first paragraph. "I'm going to poop myself!"
"I don't think you've ever said poo—" He began to say as I pulled him closer by his shirt. I was livid. "It's only a possibility that it could happen!"
Labor sucks.
XXXXXX
The chipper doctor announced when she finally arrived three hours later, "You, my dear, are only five centimeters!"
Oh flying fuck.
"But—" I was at a loss.
This little shit wasn't budging. Our future was becoming crystal clear to me, I was having my tiny doppelgänger. A stubborn, snarky smaller version of me that would be my perfect companion to make wry observations about the idiots around us. This had endless possibilities.
"That little pumpkin is very comfortable in you, Mommy!" Dr. Jennings was far too cheerful. She wasn't my normal doctor, because that asshole decided to take an impromptu vacation to Maui. Kid was officially forgiven. I now wanted the happy doctor with her swishy blonde ponytail to perish. "We should probably get this cutie out."
"No shit, Sherlock," I hissed.
Kid stuck a damp washcloth one my face. "Doctor, please excuse my Bella. She's been irritable today. What do you suggest? Should we try the birthing ball again? Oww!"
I bit him. That birthing ball is a bouncing, sphere of possible death. My equally round body couldn't sit upright on it. That thing was not facilitating the opening of holes. It did, however, make me tumble to the ground twice.
"She's a feisty one!" The doctor was grinning like she was mentally deranged. I was curious if an annoying OBGYN would be considered justifiable excuse for homicide. That was until she added, "I'm thinking a cesarean would be our best course of action."
Dr. Jennings was a saint! She was an angel! Her kindness and knew no bounds!
"We were planning a natural birth," Kid protested snottily.
I gripped his hand with my nails digging into his palms. "I think natural birth flew out of the window after the epidurals. I want our baby out!"
That's when Kid started melting. A single tear dripped down his cheek. "That is our baby in you! Let's bring our child into the world! We shall do the cesarean!"
I could play him like a fiddle. He was going to be a pretty amazing dad.
"All right, Bella! Let's get you ready!" She clapped her hands happily. "Nurse, we needed to get the new mommy here prepped for her catheter."
Damn it!
XXXXXX
It was official. The kid and I were parents. I also now believe that cesarean births were the way to go when trying to expel a child from your insides. Of course, I was numb from the waist down during the event. There was only some tugging and I couldn't help giggling at the faces that Kid made.
He looked absolutely nauseous. I thought Kid was going to faint at what he saw from behind the sheet they had lifted to shield my view. It was a shame. I wanted to watch.
Spawn was kind of cute in a wrinkly baby way. I couldn't help staring at the way she grasped my finger. Kid kept kissing the top of both of our heads and looked in awe of the both of us. We were going to be the oddest family in town.
That's right. We had a girl. She had her father's hair and my cranky disposition. This spawn and I were going to get along just fine.
"I guess Emmett can't marry her off to his little girl now," Kid joked.
"Sure he can. They could be lesbians," I pointed out. "We would be somewhat related to Giant and his trailer Barbie."
"Emmett and Rosie as our daughter's in-laws! No way!" Kid leaned towards the spawn. "Gwendolyn, Daddy respects all of your life choices except don't marry Uncle Emmett's daughter. Any other girl or boy is just fine."
"Gwendolyn?"
"I like it, Bella. She needs something lovely like she is. Like her mother is." He stroked my face.
"Fine." The things I do for this man. "It isn't horrible."
Spawn, I mean Gwen, started trying to nuzzle my chest. This breast feeding was highly overrated.
"Gwendolyn like boobs like her dad!" Kid said proudly.
Fabulous.
