AN: This is winding down, my friends. Enjoy.

Chapter 16

Once you get into the groove, this motherhood thing is a peace of cake. Of course, Gwen takes after me. It makes her an incredibly well adjusted infant for Kid and I, while being a holy terror to others. I consider this to be a win for humanity.

"That child is going to be one of those gingers. In my day, we'd say they were cursed by the devil," Old Rachel Black pointed out with a sniff. She blew her nose with a lace lined handkerchief and tossed it at Jacob. "Wash this out in the sink, boy. You need to put it on the dish rack to dry. Then you need to make us some chamomile tea."

Jacob shuffled his feet on his grandmother's dusty woven rug and headed toward the kitchen. Now that I opened the windows to let some light in on this old lady mausoleum, you could see all the particles floating through the air. Even those mangy cats of Rachel's sneezed. Gwen was happily resting against me in the Baby Bjorn, as I was typing up the extremely violent stories that Rachel was telling me. The dusty surroundings didn't bother her a bit.

"My daughter's red hair is unique like her father's, you old bat. It is lovely and amazing." I gave her my most withering look. Rachel just laughed. "Tell me horrible tales about horrible people, woman."

"I do like you, girl. I bet I'll like that kid of yours with her clown colored hair," she said with a snicker. "Jacob, I need you to start dusting the house for the baby!"

"Grandma!" he whined from the kitchen. "I'm still cleaning your snot."

Rachel just glared at him from her chair. "Children these days are spoiled whiners, Isabella Swan. None of them have your common sense and wicked tongue. Be sure to raise that girl of yours to be smart and not like Jacob."

"Grandma!"

"I'll do it, Mrs. B, you beautiful vixen," Seth announced. He came out in from a back room wearing a pair of tight shorts and no shirt. The feather duster in his hand was waved about like a beacon. Seth looked like an extra from that old Robin Williams movie, The Birdcage.

Rachel leaned toward me to whisper, "That boy is deranged."

The breath she blew in my face smelled like throat lozenges and peanut brittle. It was an unpleasant combination.

"Why are you dressed like that, Tweedle Dum?" I pondered. I looked over to Rachel who had instantly fallen asleep. She did that a lot. Snores echoed the room. Instead of upsetting Gwen, the snoring lulled my kid to sleep.

Seth winked at me. "Little Mama, you know I love the older ladies. You lost your chance. I like much older ladies now. Mrs. B is my sugar mommy."

Damn. The visions filling my head of that idiot and Rachel's wrinkly skin having sex were going to give me nightmares for years. Seth would probably break her hip.

"Does she know of you intentions? Rachel Black hates you. I think her feelings for you are perfect." I rolled up a blank piece of paper and hit him in the head. "Stop being stupid."

Seth just laughed. "How can she resist my hot, young stud body? I have the moves like some Jagger guy. I know how to rock old bodies everyday. I'm like a construction ball."

This guy made terrible pop songs even more terrible with his new lyrics.

"Leave her alone, dummy." I gave him my best glare. It wasn't far removed from my usual expression.

"Don't be jealous, Bella Baby. I don't mean to be breakin' yo heart. Just look at that glorious creature!" That glorious creature's snores resembled the mating sounds of black rhinos. There was a strand of spittle that was cascading out of her mouth. "I bet she has the best sexual moves from about a million years of experience."

The woman took fifteen minutes to stand up. Her moves were barely a shuffle.

"What are you talking about, guys?" Jacob wandered in with a tray filled with tea cups and cookies. "Coachella? Jay-Z? Kate Upton?"

The poor boy looked so excited to have a conversation without interference of his grandmother it would be a travesty to ruin it.

I like ruining things. I covered Gwen's tiny ears and explained, "Seth here is talking about fucking your grandma."

The tray crashed to the floor and Jacob cried, "That's so nasty! Get out of grandma's house!"

There was a snort and Rachel spoke loudly, "What the hell is wrong with you, Jacob? Clean that up! That boy is as clumsy as his club footed father."

Jacob just wept in a fetal position.

Rachel continued, "Let me tell you the story of the third wife and the cold ones."

"Is that the vampires who ate the lady who sacrificed herself?" I remembered that from somewhere. Actually everywhere. Vampires were overdone.

"Oh yes. Their skin is like ice. They sparkle in the sun—" She wiggled her fingers to indicate that her played out story was spooky.

I crumpled another paper and tossed it at her head. "That's from that idiotic Twilight.

"Right. Dumb movie." She wrinkled her already very wrinkled face in concentration. "How's this . . . The zombies had entered the prison—"

"That's The Walking Dead, Rachel!" I complained. Zombies were almost as played out as those vampires. "I refuse to write anything with werewolves. They're ridiculous."

Jacob stopped crying. He looked at me like he was offended. "I like werewolves!"

"I can dress up like a werewolf for you, Mrs. B!" Seth offered in excitement.

That just added to the disturbing mental images that will plague me to the end of my days.

"Ghosts!" Rachel said. "I know a lot about ghosts."

"You have my attention." I smiled.

This was something I could work with.