A/N: Why am I updating? TRICK QUESTION! Why am I not writing my long hell-essay? REAL ANSWER! Why would you write something as boring as an essay, anyway? And who sends me these ideas? The shitty Fed-Ex shipping (GET IT) company?

I'm exhausted, as you can see by now. I'm so loopy that I'm staring at the screen thinking that Fed-Ex is a really funny title for a shipping company. He he. It's like you broke up with the feds. Or just the one fed. Can "fed" be singular? HA HA FED(ERAL) EX. I'm cry. No, that was not a typo. That was a totally legitimate sentence. The confluence and arrangement of my vocabulary and grammatical precision is not affected by my sleep deprivation; on the contrary, the lack of sleep inspires my pre-frontal cortex to speedily substitute more grandiloquent words for ones otherwise used by the common peon.

Anyway, I thought it was about time to post a cute chapter, what with all this angst from before.

Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck, duh, but I will pay a bitch to go to a con and pay Andrew Hussie all of the $$ so he will make VrisKan canon. Kidnapping is not ideal, but you should do what you need to. Ahem.

(I will provide the funds, which will be my whole life's savings of four dollars and twelve cents.)

con·flu·ence

känˌflo͞oəns,kənˈflo͞oəns

noun

1.

the junction of two rivers, esp. rivers of approximately equal width.

"here at the confluence of the Laramie and North Platte Rivers"

synonyms:

convergence, meeting, junction More

Um. Shit. That wasn't right, was it?


Soteriophobia and Snark

part fourteen: Human D8s


"Life in the human world, continued.

It's pretty damn hard, to say the least...

Murder isn't okay. People go to jail for it! All on the communications 8ox all the time, "John Smith sent to jail for 8 8illion sweeps cuz he killed his friend!" And stealing is watched 8y these scowly lawtrolls in 8lue suits, and worst of all you can't get something to eat without traveling to weird pu8lic respite8locks full of light and sound. You got to have human currency on you for this task. If you don't have enough they don't let you eat or anything. The currencytroll tells you to have a nice day. Who's she to think she's your 8oss? You'd possi8ly have a shitty day, and she could just deal with that. And don't even get started a8out the transport8tion modules! So many all at once all on one dum8 paveway! And living in this huge multi8lock sucks. Every8ody's always walking their woof8easts all over the place down the sidepaths and acting like it's not any 8ig deal when the 8easts come growling at you! They laugh when you try to defend yourself. In a strange place, who know what creatures exist, and how hostile they are? I want to kill all the woof8easts of that size, the ones that make high pitched noise and jump onto you! The nerve of humans and their ilk! Us trolls are clearly superior. We should cull aaaaaaaall humans and take over their stupid universe to teach them a lesson!"


Vriska paused, thinking of something to write as the title of her trollblr post. She had thought about calling it "The Struggles to 8e Human," but she'd scrapped that. SHE was still a troll. She was just, well, in the human world, and so were most of her... associates. They weren't her friends, that was for sure. And Kanaya. Kanaya was a friend. A girlfriend. Whatever. She felt her face flush at the thought, and let it go.

ANYWAY. "Humans are Weird" seemed worth a go. Aranea was always getting at her about thinking of clever pun titles for her entries, but she absolutely, hated- uh, h8ed- when people did that. It made people's blogs look SO DUMB. Aranea could go stick a shout pole up her hearing tubes, she decided, and sent the blog post off with a decisive tap of the "Enter" key.

Vriska had decided over a period of weeks that most human traditions and inventions were stupid. It was one thing to acknowledge one had survived another sweep, but to receive presents on wriggling day was outrageous. It was similarly outrageous to have a "week," and even worse to work 5 out of 7 of these human days. Why didn't humans split the work into 4 days of fun and 4 of work? She picked similar fights with stoplights (what the fuck did they DO?) air conditioning (humans sure were weak to heat!) and musicals (they were even worse here than they were on Troll Broadway, if that was possible!). The thing, though, that made her angriest was human romance!

Ever since they had arrived on this dumb planet, Kanaya had been going to the human movies, watching human couples, and absorbing dumb human culture. She was so engrossed in it that Vriska was sure she was, like, turning into a human herself! Jegus!

Vriska was fed up. She was not a romantic, and she did not want to do the human things. On Alternia, she had gotten used to remembering Kan's wriggling day every couple sweeps and giving her extra kisses, she was okay with sometimes not adventuring and instead going to Kan's dumb flower shows, she let Kanaya brush her hair monthly, and she was hella rad at pailing! But those weren't enough now, apparently. Kanaya watched all these damn human films where the guy gave the girl a ring, or took her to a human landmark like the Paris spire thing, or made dinner! This worried Vriska. What did Kanaya want, what would she want? What could she do to even come close to equaling with the actions at the human movies?


"What the fuck is a date?"

Vriska's arms were crossed over her chest, as usual. Kanaya found herself fighting a loud sigh, which was her usual response to Vriska's shenanigans.

"It's a human thing, but we have some concept of it, remember?"

"No, not really! How do I know what I'm going to do? Like, troll dates, are like, hanging out, at your respiteblock, and making out. Can we do that? Instead?"

"No, Vriska," Kanaya said patiently, raising her eyebrows. "It's been a month and a half and those are the only kind of dates we ever entertain! A human date involves a couple partaking in an activity together to bond and enjoy themselves."

"So, making out?" Vriska's eyes glinted as she reached over to wrap an arm around Kanaya's waist, but Kanaya would have none of it. She slipped out of Vriska's grasp and resumed her standing and frowning. "No, I mean doing something outside of the... apartment."

"I wish you'd stop calling it an apartment! It's called a multirespitblock, or multiblock! You're like, human now!" Vriska felt hostility creep into her own tone before she had meant to express it, and Kanaya hadn't missed it. Her already serious face got still sterner.

"Fine. Then I expect you won't be seeing too much of me. I like to have fun with my girlfriend, but if she doesn't want to, I will have my own fun. By myself." And with that, Kanaya swept out of the room, somehow graceful even in anger.


Vriska often messed with her "friends. She took pleasure in it; she fucked up their lives and hurt them. She regularly teased Tavros until he was in hysterical tears. She shoved Terezi into things, and when the blind troll tripped she would laugh. She'd tormented Eridan until he permanently banned her on Trollian. Even Nepeta had expressed her emotional distress about Vriska's unkindness a couple times. Vriska never felt any particular remorse for being a bitch, but every time she pissed off Kanaya, she always got this annoying, vague sensation that she'd reeeeeeeeally screwed up. Kanaya was the master of holding grudges. Vriska had never known how masterful she truly was until one day she broke Kanaya's new, high-tech sewing machine pedal one day and forgot to apologize.

Kanaya hadn't so much looked her way for a week, and when she had FINALLY acknowledged Vriska's existence, the taller troll still had had to scrub the entire multiblock section that they lived in (twice) to make up for her mistake.

This time was no different- Vriska felt the pit in her stomach grow as she realized she really must've pressed a wrong button with her girlfriend. She sat at the eating counter, drumming her fingers against its smooth surface. She read the shopping list on the counter four times, grabbed a pen, and scrawled "Rocky Road ice cream" and "Rum" in the "Things we Need" area. She tapped the pen and another she found on the floor against the edge of her chair in an inspired drum solo and then doodled pirate ship blueprints on the edge of the water company's lease statement. She ruffled some more papers, and she found one blank one buried under a stack of even more utility bills. Wait, no, it wasn't blank; just one side was. The other seemed to be some kind of list. It was written in Kanaya's cursive (the name of which Vriska remembered in particular because it was not, to her disappointment, a language that was made up solely of imaginative swear words).

Date Ideas

-Movies (rom-coms)

-The fair on the third weekend in July

-Oligio's (nice restaurant)

-A pleasant walk around the neighborhood

-Shopping for nice clothes

-Baking together

Vriska thought the list looked totally lame! But as she read it again, and had an idea. She seized her pen and began to write.


Kanaya was approaching 88% done with Vriska's bullshit. She had tried to coax her girlfriend into a lot of things around town recently by subtly hinting something or pointing out nice ideas, but Vriska didn't get "subtle." So today she had tried to be straightforward... and she'd gotten a face-ful of spider venom for her trouble.

Vriska had left about an hour ago to go annoy someone else, so Kanaya set herself the task of arranging the bills on the kichen table. It occurred to her that she had also left her list in the stack, and she began lifting sheets of paper to find it. Sure enough, it was there, but it seemed like Vriska had gotten her hands on it. Did she ever leave anyone else's things alone?

-Movies (rom-coms) Action movies! Pirates of the Carribean!

-The fair on the third weekend in July The prize weekend at the arcade next to the clothing store on Main Street!

-Oligio's (nice restaurant) That burger place that makes rad steak!

-A pleasant walk around the neighborhood Adventuring in unexplored territory!

-Shopping for nice clothes FLARPing!

-Baking together BURNING SHIT DOWN!

Kanaya considered herself an expert in controlling her emotions, but she felt a smile, and then a laugh, creep up into her mouth. It was no use: Vriska's over-enthusiastic additions were just... well... sort of adorable. They would talk when she got home, Kan decided.


"Life in the human world, continued.

Today I'll explain the human tradition of compromise.

Sometimes, you have to agree when you have a human d8. This is a dum8 idea, 8ut it can 8e sort of fun when you get around to it. You have to m8ke exceptions only for your m8sprit, though. I would never compromise with that 8astard Eridan. Anyw8y, for example, this month, Kanaya and me...

Watched a really horri8ly gr8 action romance! It was so cheesy, and we laughed so hard! Human movies sure are hilariously lame!

Won money at the fair, and 8lew it all at the arcade! Kan even won me a spider plush! I n8med it Mindfang.

Turns out Oligio's m8kes an even radder st8k than the burger pl8ce! Wow. Food is one human thing I wouldn't ch8nge!

Got 8usted for trespassing at the gardens in town! I didn't even know they were there, but I also didn't know trespassing was a crime. It g8ve me such a gr8 thrill to br8k some laws up in here.

We shopped for fa8ric to m8ke FLARPing clothes, and it was 8oring, 8ut Kan even promised to m8ke me a pir8 hat! I'm super excited to FLARP with her.

We nearly 8urnt the respit8lock down while 8aking cookies. I never knew there were waterspouts in our 8lock! Fun seeing Kan get all flustered and angry! She even kissed me.

In conclusion the human world is stupid! But d8ting doesn't have to 8e!


La Fin~