The author-ess is sorry for this author-ess' note at the beginning of the chapter instead of her usual ending, but she has a few things to say. The first and foremost would be the "Holy Shit"-worthiness of her email inbox. She logged in for the first time in thirty six hours and there were nineteen unread messages (sure, sure, five of them were for MySpace, but that doesn't matter at the moment). The author-ess thanks you all from the bottom of her pancreas (the heart gets too much attention) for your support. The next point would be that the author-ess is going to Kansas the twenty second of this month (June) and will not be permitted to bring her laptop (probably because her mother doesn't want it to corrupt the author-ess' many female cousins). As for the barbeque sauce on the rice: the author-ess does in fact eat her rice like that. She was first introduced to this method of rice eating by her friend, who is decidedly against SasuNaru, so his name will not be mentioned. LoL, the author-ess has been having MAJOR writer's block. Also, the author-ess has been reading some fanfictions that say "thank you blahblahblah for beta-ing"…the author-ess would want to know if you, the readers, think this story would be better off with a beta. If the majority says yes, or if one specific reader has an awesome point, the author-ess will be looking for a beta. She'd also like some information on betas, so if you could help her with that, she'd love you forever. Thank you for bearing with the author-ess during this sudden author-ess' note.


Being punched awake did not put me in an ultimately good mood. Being punched awake in the middle of possibly the best wet dream I had ever had put me in an even worse mood. Being punched awake by the star of possibly the best wet dream in the history of wet dreams was downright depressing to me. In fact, the one good thing out of being punched awake by the star of possibly the best wet dream in the history of wet dreams was the fact that I didn't have the chance to make a mess in my boxers (which meant that I would have to blow dry them dry…again!) or the bed, which would have led to a very awkward conversation with my best friend, aka the star of the wet dream.

However, it did leave me with a …little…problem. Okay, who am I kidding? It was a freakin' huge problem. Aw, darn. Now I'm gonna have to take a cold shower.

Wincing, I sat up in bed, pushed the comforter off my body, and swung my legs to floor. I turned to look first at the clock – it was eight fifteen – then to look at Sasuke (known to the world as my best friend, known to my pornographic, horny, and totally in love brain as the star of my wet dreams). The hand that had punched me in the face was now lying across my pillow while the other was gripping the sheet, his breathing sounding erotic. I smiled a feral grin, something I had been doing a lot lately, probably because of the sudden flip turn of my emotions and trains of thought, and leaning over him. It was quite clear that my best friend was not having a nightmare; in fact, I would deem it quite the opposite. I wonder who he was dreaming about.

"Sasuke-koi," I whispered as lustfully as I could (and since it was Sasuke, it was very lust-filled) and using one of the Japanese suffixes he had taught me. I hope I used the correct term.

"Nrrrggggg…doh," he moaned, or groaned, or something else that ended with '-oaned' that was usually used to characterize lust or love or whatever. I rolled my eyes. The least he could've done was moan out the name of whoever he was fucking in his dream. Sure, it would have hurt, but then I could have taken out some of my frustration on them.

I don't think the maid would've liked cleaning up after the results of – judging by Sasuke's moaning – a very good wet dream. Especially when she knew that there were two boys sharing the bed. I knew she knew because I met her briefly when we dropped the bags off yesterday before going to the park. Once she saw that Sasuke and I were going to have to share a bed, she began groaning about something or another, not even pausing to acknowledge the possibility that we were brothers. How rude!

I began poking him. Sasuke usually doesn't like people poking him. It didn't seem to work, so I paused to rethink my tactic. A particular vicious plot entered my mind, and I stopped for a second to pat myself on the back mentally for thinking up such a creative and original idea. I leaned in close to Sasuke's ear and summoned up the most wavering voice I had.

"Sa-sasuke? I…I lied." I laughed as quietly as I could when I saw Sasuke's face frown in his sleep. "I…I'm not…er…I'm a girl, Sasuke."

"Naw, yer a boy…" he slurred in his sleep and lust induced voice. It was a very odd combination, and very few people could pull it off while making me even more turned on than I was. Speaking of which, I really ought to go take care of that. As in a shower, not…that. But I had promised myself that I would wake Sasuke up first, which he should be doing in three…two…one…

"AHH!" he screamed, sitting straight up in bed, panting heavily, his eyes widened in what I could only assume was fear of finding out that whoever he was in bed with in his dream was not in fact of the preferred gender. I grinned my now-signature feral grin, and patted him on the head.

"Did wittle Sasuke-kun have a bad dweam?" I asked in my baby voice, very annoying indeed.

"Did not-so-little Naru-chan have a good dream?" he retorted, looking…down. I glared at him while I slid of the bed, and headed for the bathroom, fully intent on getting my cold shower now that Sasuke was awake and fully functioning…or as close to it as he was now.

"Yes, and by your moaning, you did too. God, you would not stop moaning his name!" I said, stretching the truth a little bit: hey, I knew he was moaning someone's name, I just didn't understand. Once I was safely in the bathroom, I stuck my head out again to look at Sasuke who was still sitting in bed, his shoulders slumped, almost, his eyes still widened in shock, but his hands had moved to cover his mouth, and he seemed to be shaking his head. "Wow, Sasuke, I didn't know you felt that way," I said, still totally making things up, and ducked back into the bathroom to avoid a flying pillow. Thank God Tsunade baachan was a heavy sleeper.

I turned the shower to an icy-cold temperature, and stepped in, but not before removing my sleepwear. Because seriously: who takes a shower in their clothes? Well, actually, I once read a book about mental asylum patients who were, you know, mental, and did stuff that mentally stable people normally wouldn't, like shower in their clothes, rub toothpaste on their acne, and other stuff like that. Scratch that. Sakura once told me that rubbing Crest on your acne helps get rid of it because of some chemical or another, but I think the people in the book used Colgate. Or some other toothpaste that definitely wasn't Crest.

After my…problem…had been reduced to normal size, I turned the shower off and stepped back out. I took my own sweet time towel-drying my hair, and spent extra time making sure my illegally-tattooed whisker marks, three on each side of my face, were perfectly dry. In fact, I would have spent even more time drying the other parts of my body if Sasuke hadn't of suddenly banged on the bathroom door, sounding quite desperate.

"Come on Naruto! I really, really need to use that God damned shower!"

I sighed, and gathered up my sleepwear, slipping on my boxers, and wrapped the towel around my waist. I unlocked the door, and turned the knob. I let gravity simply do the rest of the job. See, I'm all psychic like that. I knew that Sasuke was leaning heavily on the door, and would therefore push the door open as long as I had unlocked the door and had turned the knob. It was all a matter of scientificology. And see, I earned a Masters for Scientificology way back in seventy two, after six years of studious…studying…of several importinant subjects like the debate between whether or not publicly cross-dressing in Miami effected the greenhouse effect, and that three year study of whether sleeping in a chair would effect one's chewing habits or not. Ah, yes: scientificology, the raw shit that makes the world go round like some ice skater on crack, knowing that they weren't getting any later that night. The ice skater was probably gay, too.

Wait. What?

Dang. I only start rambling like that when something incredibly embarrassing happens. Or when I've hit the back of my head hard on some sort of bathroom tile, or something like that. Oh look. Sasuke's sprawled over me in a very suggestive position, and we're lying on the cold bathroom tiled floor.

"Hullo, Sasuke," I said, looking up at my best friend, who had a light blush dusting his pale cheeks. I doubt my face was any less blushed.

"Hello, Naruto," he replied as carefully as ever.

"Hey, Sasuke?"

"Yeah, Naruto?"

"I lied." I can honestly say I had no idea what I was doing, thinking, saying, or anything else like that.

"About what?"

"I didn't understand the name you were moaning during your very wet, wet dream."

"Oh."

"So."

"So?"

"So how did you end up on me?" Ah, the moment of truth. But seriously. I totally blanked out after Sasuke barreled into me and spent me flying backwards, making me hit my head on the cold bathroom tiled floor…oh. Right.

"Um…Scientificology?" he said sheepishly, despite the fact that Uchihas do NOT say ANYTHING sheepishly. Even if they are talking of a large herd of woolly ewes.

"Class of nineteen seventy two?"

"Uh…yeah…" Don't ask me how we had somehow tuned into the same radio channel, but apparently we had. I let my head fall back gently onto the tiled floor, and my eyes lazily surveyed my surroundings, taking in very little, except for the fact that the roll of toilet paper had been put in upside down. Wow, the maid must really hate us or something. Oh, yeah. There was something else that I noticed.

"Ah, could you, um, remove thy knee?" I asked, wiggling a little due to my discomfort. He heaved himself a little by placing his arms on either side of my head, and pushed up. Seeing how painful his knee was being, he rolled completely off me, pushed himself completely up off the floor, and bent down to help me.

After I was stably on my feet, he handed me the clothes I had dropped, and oh-so-gracefully shoved me out of the bathroom. I grinned when I heard the water start up almost immediately. Putting away the dirty clothes, I pulled out my 'It's a Blonde Thing, you Wouldn't Understand' tee shirt and threw it on, along with a pair of khaki shorts. Tsunade was still in bed, her hair mussed up, and desperately clutching her pillow, snoring all the while. She was curled up around the pillow she was clutching, and a small (not really) puddle of drool had pooled under her mouth. It was nine fifteen—how long were Sasuke and I on the floor, and more importantly, how the hell had Sasuke kept his problem in check all that time?—and I figured she'd want to get breakfast at ten or something. Meaning, it was time to wake up Baachan! Joy!

Not really. Baachan was—is—a bear when she wakes up. She'll eat me alive if I wake her up at the wrong time. I needed a plan!

And so Operation: Don't Get Killed By Baachan While Waking Her Up began. I liked to call it ODGKBBWWHU, but for short I think I'll call it WHUP for some reason that is thus far obscure to me. Oh, maybe it stands for Wake Her Up Please? I may never know. Anyway, I didn't exactly have a plan, but I knew it had to consist of gambling and slash or beer.

"Baachan get up or I'll never loan you money, or talk Sasuke into loaning you money, for your gambling and bar debts ever again!"

There. I incorporated both beer and gambling. Needless to say, Tsunade baachan sat right up and, no matter how groggy, began hustling around the room, gathering everything that she had somehow unpacked from her two heavy suitcases. Sitting cross-legged on the bed I slept in last night, I picked up Sasuke's laptop case, pulled out the computer, plugged it in, and started it up. While Sasuke was in the shower and Tsunade was cleaning up her own mess, I planned to play Zoo Tycoon. As the game loaded, I suddenly felt something brush my lower back, and I shrieked, startled.

"What it is?" Tsunade demanded after hearing my shriek. I looked behind myself, and back at her with wide eyes.

"The pillow just tried to rape me!"

"You brat!"

"You don't even care about your own grandson's mental state of mind and virginity?!"

"Okay, one, you're 'mental state of mind' is already shot, and two, you're just gonna lose that virginity of yours to Sas—"

"LALALALA, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!"

"Oi, you in Room 313: Shut the FUCK UP!"

"Same to you, bastard!"

"That wasn't nice, baachan!"

"Sucks for them."

I sighed, and looked back at the computer screen. It was on the start page, and just for the heck of it, I clicked 'Continue Zoo' taking me to the last zoo Sasuke had used on there. Just as the zoo had loaded, a message popped up. I read it out loud, stunned.

"'Congratulations! Naruto has given birth'?! What the heck?!" I demanded, looking up from the screen to Tsunade who was laughing hysterically.

"Sure explains your recent moodiness and cravings for chocolate and peanut butter, huh?" she was able to gasp out between bouts of laughter. I glared at her. I delicately, for no particular reason that comes to mind at the moment, unfolded my legs and strode purpose-fully towards the bathroom, where I rapped on the door. Before Sasuke could open it, I said in an accented voice,

"Sasuke, you gots some 'splainin' to do!" I could hear what, if it had been anyone but an Uchiha, would have been called a snort come from the other side of the door followed by a,

"What do you want, moron?"

"Sasuke, I just gave birth!" I announced, and I heard a loud thud followed by hysterical laughter.

"It's not my fault!" Sasuke said. Oh, how wrong he was….

"But the only other zebra in the habitat's name is Sasuke," I replied oh-so-innocently. Actually, I just named it that. It made me feel happy. Yay. Sasuke and I have a child. I wonder whose hair color he got. Sasuke, previously known as Plains Zebra 32 (how many had Sasuke killed off?) was the proud father of Naruto's baby, Plains Zebra 37.

Another thud was heard in the bathroom, as well as a muttered, "Oh shit!" I stepped back as Sasuke slammed the door open, and jumped onto the bed with the computer. He clicked on a few things, then looked up at me rather sheepishly again. It was then that I noticed that his hair was dripping wet, as was his chest; he only had on some sexy black silk boxers (kinky) and nothing else. In fact, he had yet to style his hair. Hot damn, my best friend is sexy. Cue nosebleed. No, Naruto! You must control yourself! And your bleeding habits!

"I thought it was a boy?" he offered. I rolled my eyes.

"Enough telepathically fucking, boys," Tsunade said. Seriously: where does she come up with this stuff? "It's time to go."

"Without any breakfast?" I whined, tugging on her shirt sleeve. She was dressed in khaki capris and a shirt with the word 'Sexy' in rhinestones on it that was definitely too small for her chest area. She rolled her eyes at me, and shook me off her arm.

"No, you brat, we're gonna be stopping off at Cracker-barrel's for breakfast, and maybe some fudge," she responded, gathering up her bag. She turned to us. "So get your bags packed and throw away the used condoms. No, scratch that. The maid already hates us, so it's not like we're gonna have to hear her complain."

"Give up on the fuckin' jokes, baachan," I reprimanded, then totally winced at the pun. Sasuke sniggered at me, and I pushed him off the bed. He growled at me. I gave him the cutest little foxy grin I could muster. He picked himself off of the bed, and went back into the bathroom to restyle his hair and whatever the hell else he does in there in the mornings. Ooh…kinky thoughts…no! Go away! Not in the mood now! What am I talking about? No one knows…

I think I'll spend summer vacation in the insane asylum.

I closed up Sasuke's computer, and packed it away. I made sure everything I had brought with me was in my duffle, and straightened up Sasuke's a little. Not really. Sasuke's such a neat freak; he doesn't need anybody cleaning up after him. The prick. The oh-so-lovable-and-not-really-fuckable-or-molestable-but-what's-the-word-I'm-thinking-of-oh-yeah-please-fuck-and-molest-me-yeah-that-works prick.

Hoisting the duffle bag's strap over my shoulder, I grasped Sasuke's computer bag, and took the elevator down to the parking area. I dumped the bags into the back-back, alongside Tsunade-baachan's, and somehow teleported myself back into the hotel room using my mystical mind powers that were granted to me by the HamHam-Sensei, all the while gnawing on a large sunflower seed, my eyes growing to the size of dinner plates and becoming over-shiny.

I took the stairs.

When I got back into the room, Sasuke was done with the bathroom and dressed in a tight green shirt that had in pink letters across the front 'You Talk Too Much'. I think it was directed at me. I shrugged and walked back down the stairs with him now that his bag was repacked. We waited in the middle-back of the station wagon (might I add, it was one of the newer ones not the one you see families from the eighties or something cruising around in) while Tsunade checked us out and all that stuff.

It was a five minute drive to Cracker-barrel, not too bad at all, and I entertained myself by singing.

"I spent all my years believin' you—"

"Shut it, brat!"

"No! You cannot NOT love the powers of Queen!"

"I love Queen just fine, it's you I don't like singing."

"You pain my heart and wound me deeply!"

"Oh, for God's sake, cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it!"

"Touché."

I happily skipped into the restaurant, Sasuke in tow, once baachan had found a parking space. We walked up happily to the waitress who was to be seating us, and informed her that there were three people eating this very fine day. She very happily popped her gum in our faces, grabbed three menus, and led the way out of the store that was in the front of the fine eating establishment (they sold fudge here!) and into the actual dining area.

"Oh my God, it's the prey!"

Oh…

Shit.

And there, sitting at the table in the corner, were our little yaoi-fan girls A and B, the reasonable one, and everybody's favorite clueless skater punk. Yaoi-fan girls A and B tried to leap out of their seats, no doubt to glomp me and Sasuke, but reasonable one managed to keep a strong grasp on both of their shirts despite the fact that he was a good six or seven inches shorter than them.

"Let go, Joshie-kun…we want to lock them together in a closet!"

"Yeah, a closet with video cameras!"

I darted behind Sasuke in fear. The waitress looked at us in sympathy, and took us to the table farthest away from the fan girls of a different nature.

"Don't worry about them," she said in a strong southern accent. By then Tsunade baachan had joined us, humming a tune that I distinctly recognized as a Queen song. "They may be completely insane, but they wouldn't hurt a fly—"

"It's a fly! Drown it in the honey!"

I looked at the waitress with wide eyes. She gave me an apologetic smile. "Okay, they wouldn't harm anything larger than a tarantula. My niece and her friends are actually quite smart—they're all in advanced classes, even Harrison—they are just interested in some things that most people their age…aren't."

"Like guys making out on camera?" Sasuke asked dryly. The waitress shrugged.

"They claim they have a—what do they call it?—a gaydar." The woman rolled her eyes. "They claim they can spot a gay guy, whether in or out of the closet, a mile away. Crazy, huh?"

"Yeah…crazy…" I laughed nervously. Sasuke merely raised an eyebrow, and probably would've said something else, but was interrupted by the shouts of a couple of insane yaoi-fan girls.

"I just remembered something important!" the stocky blond girl shouted to the world.

"What was it?" demanded the tall brunette, her voice loud enough to deafen those in Finland.

"I read somewhere that male foxes are bi!" I choked and spluttered on the complementary orange juice that the woman had brought us. Sasuke just snickered at me, and I glared. We both knew that foxes were my favorite animal, and that I had often been described as a, pardon the pun, foxy little boy.

"That's hot!" The waitress from before strode over to their table and whacked both of the girls upside their heads. They whined piteously, but the woman paid no mind.

"Annie, Hannah, you two stop harassing those poor boys!" the woman scolded.

"But Aunt Angie—" the blonde whined, clutching her head. It seemed a lot of people tended to hit the girl on the head. I would like to try one day. "We weren't even talking about those boys over there."

"Even if that cute blond does look like a fox!" the brunette added. They paused to look at each other and grin before saying in unison, "He's foxy!"

I let my head fall to the table. It was painful.

The rest of our breakfast passed without too much trouble, except for the fact that I ran out of syrup for my pancakes, and had to ask for more, but then again, that wasn't very troublesome, so…yeah.

"You two have five minutes to spend in the store before I'm gone," Tsunade said once we had finished our breakfasts. She handed Sasuke a five dollar bill. "Take Abe here and get me some fudge. Something with nuts."

"We won't do your man-shopping for you!" I pouted in a lame comeback. Sasuke ignored me and took the bill.

"Come on moron, let's go get some fudge."

"With testicles," I grinned. He rolled his eyes at me. At the fudge counter, we saw the yaoi-fan girls, but they didn't look too rabid anymore. They saw us when they turned, a small package in the blond's hands. She gave us a small smile.

"Sorry for buggin' you. Normally our gaydar's not wrong, but…" The blond shrugged. "Aunt Angie told me to get you an apology gift or something, and we thought—"

"Hey, who doesn't love fudge?" the brunette supplied.

"—so we got you this," the blond finished, handing it out to me. I raised an eyebrow at it. "It's chocolate-peanut butter," the blond prompted. I practically jumped her for the fudge.

"Oh my God I love you!" I said, cradling the precious fudge.

"The way to a man's heart—" the brunette began.

"Is apparently the same exit ramp as the one for a woman's," the blond finished. They were really creeping me out, the way they finished each other's sentences. Giving us a small wave, they went back into the dining area, where the reasonable one and the clueless skater punk were waiting for them. Sasuke got the fudge-with nuts-and dragged me out to the parking lot.

We got into the car, and Tsunade pulled out of the parking lot. Thus, we began the journey that changed all of our lives. Not really. Well, actually…I don't know. I'm not psychic, and I don't think Scientificology will help me here.


The author-ess is sorry for the long wait, but she got her computer taken away in the middle of this, plus you add the writer's block, and yeah. One time, the author-ess' best friend and here were sharing a bed and the author-ess got punched awake because of her best friend.

Either in the next chapter or the chapter after that, there will be an orange. An orange? What is that? You will see. You will all see.

Shameless self-promotion:

Possible side story-ish fanart: www dot deviantart dot com slash deviation slash 57880185

Queen is too powerful and awesome to belong to the author-ess.