The author-ess slowly takes her long wavy blond hair out of its bun and starts swishing it around her in slow motion, causing shojo-heroine sparkles to appear in the area around her; outside her window, several birds began to sing an angelic melody. The author-ess immediately takes out her paint-ball gun and shoots at the birds, silencing their melody. Having taken care of the birds, she dips her hair into a can of blue pain before chopping it all off. That said and done, the author-ess turns and smiles politely at the readers.
The author-ess has decided that, to say she is sorry for lack of updatedness, she will post a small mini story before the continuation of the actual story. Enjoy, loves!
"Captain! We are ascending!"
"Jolly good! Batten down the hatches!"
"…who, sir?"
"Oh. Go fetch me my first mate and my first-and-a-half mate."
"I can't, sir."
"Why is that?"
"They're playing…fetch, sir."
"Well, why in the name of my great grand uncle Michael are they doing that?"
"Er…you told them to, sir."
"Oh. Tell them to carry on, then."
"Right…so who do you want to batten down the hatches?"
"Ah, get the fellow who normally so youthfully swabs the deck."
"He's preoccupied at the moment, sir."
"Doing what?"
"Well, sir, he was getting motion sickness, so he took some Dramamine—"
"What motion?"
"Ah, excuse me?"
"What motion? We are not moving!"
"But we're ascending, captain…"
"Why did nobody tell me this?!"
"I did, sir."
"Oh, you did? Well…carry on as you were, then."
"Right…so the lad took some medicine, but since then, he hasn't been quite right in the head…"
"Who are you to assume such things?"
"Sir, he was seen talking to a giant turtle—"
"About what?"
"I was about to say, sir…"
"Then get on with it!"
"He was asking the turtle if it knew any reliable online dating services."
"'Tis such a pity that many a online dating service has fallen prey to malevolent stalkers and general do-not-righters."
"Do-wrongers."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you said do-not-righters, and I thought—"
"You thought what?"
"I thought that an easier way to…say it…would be…do…wrongers…I'll get back to the report, sir!"
"You had better."
"Well, after asking the turtle about dating services, the lad passed out."
"Why?"
"The Dramamine, sir."
"What about it?"
"It was the drowsy formula, sir."
"Clearly. Why else would the lad pass out? Why hadn't you thought of that?"
"But sir—"
"Not now, I must—AUGGGHHH!"
"Sir!"
"Why has no one battened down the hatches?!"
"You haven't asked anyone to, sir."
"Well, you don't exactly need my permission to batten down the hatches."
"But, sir, you're the captain—"
"Which is why everyone must do as I say. Now, go fetch someone to batten down the hatches."
"Yes, sir."
"Now, I must continue on as I was, checking—what is that God-awful noise?!"
"The alarm, sir! The hull has been breached!"
"Ah! Since when did you get here?!"
"I've been standing by your side for the past five minutes, captain."
"And a jolly good job you've done of it. Now go find the cook and make sure he doesn't burn anything that'll alert the smoke detector."
"But sir! The hull's been—"
"Beached. Yes, yes, I know. It's about time we've had a decent vacation."
"Not beached, sir, breached! An intruder, sir!"
"An intruder you say?"
"Yes!"
"Offer him a shot."
"You mean to shoot him?!"
"No, give him a nice shot of apple juice."
"Apple juice?!"
"Grape juice if it is a lady."
"Sir, you are missing the point!"
"I see no point that could be desired…Land ho!"
"Sir, we haven't moved!"
"I though you said we were ascending?"
"We've stopped!"
"Why?"
"We've been breached!"
"Oh, I hope it's Atlantic!"
"Atlantic what?"
"Atlantic Beach!"
"That's it, I call for a mutiny!"
"We do not carry sheep on this ship, you should know that!"
The end! The author-ess hopes you enjoyed the drabble-esque dialogue between a self-contradictory captain and his helper. So, onto the actual story! The author-ess is PDS (pretty damn sure) it's gonna be long! So get some popcorn, a vacuum to suck up the popcorn you spewed while laughing too hard, and a drool bucket, maybe (the author-ess suggests a five gallon). If it seems broken up in places, it was probably because the author-ess was too busy reading AkuRoku, Soku, and Zemyx. If you have ever heard of The Writer you fools, you would know what a surprisingly sweet couple Zemyx is… (The author-ess has no clue what goes on in the KHI and KHII plot lines, so she tries to stick to AU stuff)… ANYWAY:
"Thanks for the ride, baa-chan!" I shouted, slamming the door shut as I bounced out of the car. Tsunade had pulled the station wagon up to the curb to let me out, instead of parking, being the lazy guardian she is. She waved a little to me, and drove off, leaving me to make cheesy cardboard pizzas with my friends and coworkers. Joyfulness! I turned on my heel, and took a step forward, fully intending to step onto the sidewalk and happily prance into Al's, where I would be greeted warmly by Ino yelling at me for being late…again.
However, I stepped too soon, and ended up falling on my knee on the sidewalk, which I had misjudged the distance from. Or something. I fell back onto the street, causing my butt to hurt, and examined my knee. No blood. Darn. I love blood. Not in the freaky, obsessed with making myself bleed, ah I'mma cut myself and lick up the blood, way; but the, ooh, blood! So pretty! I'm gonna go donate lots of blood to the blood bank when I'm old enough.
Beside the lack of blood, nothing much seemed to be out of place, or wrong, it was just a little red and scraped up. I stood up, but winced when I felt a dull pain start up in my knee. When I took a step forward, I ended up limping. Shrugging it off as just a little pain, I hobbled my way into Al's.
"Naruto, you little slacker, you're late! Even after a day off!"
"Thank you, Ino; I feel so special when my friends greet me warmly after I've been gone," I replied dryly, limping over to the counter. Ino appeared at the cash register. She looked different today. New haircut? No…new shoes? I peered over the counter. No…oh, it must be the small (small? Ha!) seedless watermelon stuffed down her shirt. The melon had stretched out the cami, and left quite a bit of cleavage for the world to view and enjoy. All in all, it was quite a sexy site.
For a straight man.
Which I am not.
For I am Sasuke-sexual.
As I've mentioned several times.
"Ino, take the melon out. You're gonna stretch that cami out," I said, sliding over the counter (despite the fact that I had been told at least five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred times not to) and hobbling to the back where I slung on my apron.
"Damn. Sakura, I owe you twenty bucks!" I heard Ino shout from the register. Sakura popped out of nowhere, grinning maniacally. Not that that was unusual, of course.
"I knew it!" she cried, flouncing (in a very similar fashion to Itachi, scarily enough) over to her best friend, and snatched up the two crinkled up ten bills and stuffed them into her pocket. Ino rolled her eyes, and took the melon out of her shirt, lobbing it at Chouji, who barely caught it before it went ka-splat on the ground. Ka-splat. That's a funny sound effect, nearly as good as 'wood.' Seriously, I once read a doujinshi (it was yaoi, now that I think of it; RikuSora, I believe…what?) where two boys were fighting with their swords (not like that…that came later…), which were wooden, and when they clashed, the sound effect for that was 'wood.' Very amusing.
"Keep your drool in your mouth please," Ino purred (yes, purred; it was quite obvious she was flirting; it was about time she did something about that crush of hers…) to Chouji, who was still staring at the blond girl's stretched-out shirt. Oh-ho-ho…good thing there's not a rule against inter-workplace relationships…or whatever it's called. I feel my Inner Matchmaker awakening…
"What's up with you?" Sakura demanded, darting in front of me, and startling me out of my thoughts. "You were chanting something like 'kukuku' and rubbing your hands together as if you were plotting something. Ooh, you were!"
"I was just thinking of how great a couple Ino and Chouji would make," I commented, ignoring the annoying pitch Sakura's voice had risen to. I turned to look at Sakura after she had gone over ten seconds without making a sound; she was staring at me with a weird expression on her face.
"Ino and Chouji have been dating for a month and a half," she said slowly. I mouthed the word 'oh' and blushed a little.
"So what was with Ino, the melon, you, and apparently a twenty-buck bet?" I asked after a moment of chopping some onions (without crying, for I am impervious to their evil tear-jerking ways, the little bastards!). Sakura regained her grin, and I prepared myself for the onslaught of Sakura-ness that was sure to come.
"Well, I bet Ino twenty buckaroos that the next boy to come through the doors was going to be gay!" she announced. I promptly choked on air.
"W-what?!" I demanded. "How could you tell? I mean, how could you tell if a boy was gay?"
"Well, first of all, nice save," she thwacked me on the back, "and second of all, we stuffed a watermelon down her cami and, as you saw, it stretched out, revealing her cleavage. And everyone knows that Ino is pretty…well endowed…and any straight—or bi, for that matter—man would sure as hell pass out from lack of blood."
"Ah…" I began, trying to stall. "Then why hasn't Chouji passed out?"
"He's used to it," Sakura shrugged. "Don't ask."
"Wasn't planning on it," I replied, and turned to cut up a few more onions. "So, who was the lucky boy?"
"You," she said casually. I dropped my knife.
"WHAT?! SHIT!"
"Ino, you own me ten more bucks! I told you that was what he'd say!" Sakura shouted to her friend. I began hyperventilating. Why? I dunno, maybe because apparently the world did Know more than me! It took me half a minute to right my breathing, but eventually it evened out.
"What's with all the yelling?" I turned to see Kiba walking out of the employee's bathroom, flicking a used paper towel into the kitchen's trash bin. He spotted me and visibly rolled his eyes. "Oh. That's why."
"We totally found Naruto out!" Ino squealed, popping up beside Sakura, whose head was totally spazzing out, jerking up and down faster than a speeding bullet.
"About what?" Kiba asked, tying his apron on and walking to the ovens, where he checked a loaded one.
"That he's gay!" Sakura shrieked. I winced and covered my ears.
"Could you be any louder?" I mumbled, my face resuming its impression of a tomato blah blah blah.
"You haven't told them?" Kiba turned to me, a quizzical look on his face. I shrugged.
"I just asked you about it, that's all. I didn't know what to do! WHY ARE YOU PRESSURIZING ME?!" I collapsed onto the ground dramatically.
"It's okay, Naruto!" Lee said, appearing over me.
"Where did you come from?!" I demanded, but, as usual, was ignored completely.
"Love knows no gender! Love, the Springtime of Youth, ah, it is so…"
"Youthful?" Sakura supplied dryly.
"And that is why I love you, my beautiful cherry blossom!" Lee announced, manly tears of whatever spilling down his face, and promptly attaching himself to her arm. Sakura sighed, but made no move to remove him; how…un-Sakura-istic. I heaved myself up and glared at my coworkers.
"Thanks for helping me up guys. Really. You people are such great friends."
"Hey, you were the one who decided to collapse," Kiba replied, shrugging. I limped over to the sauce station. Someone behind me giggled. I turned around to see a grinning, red Sakura. This was not normal, for Sakura was usually pink.
"What?"
"Naruto, are you limping?" she asked in a falsely innocent voice.
"Yeah, why?" I deadpanned. She just grinned more.
"Do you hurt?"
"Ah…" I thought about knee, which was dully throbbing, "…I guess." Her grin widened.
"Is your butt sore?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Friendly concern?" she pouted, looking at me. By then Lee had let go and was watching with vivid interest; it was all or nothing with that boy. Ino had sidled up to her friend, and Kiba was clearly eaves dropping by the ovens; Chouji had disappeared into the freezer.
"Friendly concern my ass," I murmured, before saying aloud, just to get her off my back, "sorta."
My ears were then promptly killed by a shriek that could have deafened those in southwestern Antarctica, and was nearly knocked to the ground as my pink haired friend assaulted me in what she so proudly calls a flying tackle hug.
"Aw!" she squealed; she was now completely in fan girl mode. "My little Naru-Naru has become a man!"
"Dare I ask what you speak of?"
"You got fucked!"
Oh…
My…
Lord…
Chamberlain's…
Men.
She didn't.
I turned to look at her.
Hell yeah, she did.
"'Sup my bitches!" came a voice I knew very well from the front register. "How are my favorite cardboard bakers?"
"Hot, sweaty, and covered in cheese," I replied, trying to get the attention off me.
"That sounds so kinky!" Sakura shouted, and I thanked all supernatural beings above for the distraction. Sadly, Sakura would not let this new (false) information pass by unnoticed. And worse, she had her own assumptions.
"Bastard with a stick up his ass!" she squealed, and rushed to the counter, where Sasuke had perched himself. Yes, it was Sasuke. Who else could it have been? The muffin man? I think not.
"Hello, insufferably pink thing," he replied, offering a grin to her pout. It was kind of an inside joke, if you will: Sasuke was called bastard with a stick up his ass (which he had been dubbed when he was going through seventh grade and was not very emotional and was very much a prick, if I do say so myself), Sakura was called insufferably pink thing (due to the color of her hair), and I was dobe (which Sasuke swore was dead last in Japanese, since I barely passed any of my classes). Don't get me wrong, we don't hate each other (come on, Sasuke's my best friend, and Sakura's my girl best friend), it's just we enjoy poking fun at each other. And just plain poking each other.
"You seem awfully happy," I mumbled, limping over to lean on the counter beside my friend's ass, which proved to be quite a lovely view, let me tell you that. Sasuke shrugged and banged his feet against the low-cut wall.
"And why wouldn't he be?" Lee announced loudly (as always), inserting himself into the conversation. "Congratulations, by the way!"
"On what?" Sasuke asked, completely unaware at the lurking danger. My eyes widened as I realized what was to come. Sadly, fate hated my friggin' guts.
"On gettin' you some Naru ass!" Ino shouted, clapping him on the shoulder (hard) before I had a chance to shout to Sasuke to run for his life (and my pride).
"E-excuse me?" Sasuke stuttered, his eyes widening as well, an ever so light blush dusting his cheeks. He looked to me for support. I slammed my head onto the counter. No hope left for my pride. It is gone. Hell, it left me once I started middle school. Long story, no time to tell it, ask for it later.
"You did fuck Naruto last night, didn't you?" Chouji asked, brushing some frost from the freezer off his shoulder. Thank you Chouji. No really. Thank you.
"Ah, no…was I supposed to?" Sasuke asked, laughing nervously, scratching the back of his head, and blushing full-out. All in all, it was completely out of character.
"Damn!" Sakura shouted at the same time Ino whined, "Yes!" Sasuke looked seriously disturbed.
"Naruto, what was that about?" he asked, looking at me with fear in his eyes.
"I tripped getting out of the car, fell on my knee, then my ass, came in limping, and they assumed things that shouldn't have been assumed!" I whined, pouting.
"Well, we didn't go completely without facts like usual," Sakura retorted, pouting as well (but my pout was far poutier!).
"What facts?" I demanded, rolling my eyes.
"The facts that we found out just moments ago!" she said, clapping her hands. I growled, and prepared myself to pounce and save my dignity (my pride was gone, but I had yet to lose my dignity). "You know, the fact that you're—"
"Shut it, pinky!" I growled, pouncing and successfully clapping a hand over her mouth. She frowned at me, and I rolled my eyes.
"That you're what, Naruto?" Sasuke asked, possibly donning the most uke-esque face he owned. No, I'm serious. It's all like, I'm-confuzed-and-I-don't-understand-and-I'm-just-waiting-for-someone-to-molest-me. His head was tilted to the side, like a cute little puppy, and his lip was jutted out ever so slightly; he was blinking more than usual, giving him the appearance of complete ignorance. Or he had something in his eyes.
"That he's suffering from a deep depression because he thinks his love is unrequited," Kiba put in smugly, walking over from his spot near the ovens. I growled at him.
"I didn't know you were suffering from unrequited love, Naru-chan," Sasuke whined, pouting further. What was with this guy?! Did he actually want to be raped right there and then?! "Why are you hiding something from me? I thought I was your best friend…"
"You know, best friend is only a step away from—"
"Don't make me bite you!"
Sasuke laughed, finally breaking off his uke-fest. Thank God. He turned to Kiba, who had begun the evil, evil sentence. "I'd keep away from him. He's totally serious when he threatens to bite someone. I know."
Kiba's face lit up in amusement. "Did he give you a hi—"
"Oh go fuck your boyfriend!" I shouted at him, my face rivaling the skin of a tomato in redness. A ripe tomato, mind you, not a green tomato. Or a fried green tomato. Those are just plain icky.
"Be fucked, thank you very much," Kiba sniffed, and turned back to the oven, which had dinged. "And for your information, I plan on doing so after my shift."
My eye twitched. Sakura squealed. Ino shrieked. Lee did the Nice Guy Pose (something his martial arts teacher had taught him) and went on about youth…as usual. Chouji nearly dropped the dough he was handling. Sasuke choked on his own spit. The customer at the register coughed politely.
Oh, shit! A customer!
"Ah, if this isn't a bad time…" the petite woman began, nervously twirling her chin-length strawberry blond hair around her finger. She was wearing a pink shirt that read in blue letters, 'You ask me if you think I'd know' and had on some blue plaid knee-length shorts; her shoes were a bright lime green. I believe I'm in love with her shirt and shoes.
"Oh, no, I'm sorry, ma'am, for the inconvenience," Ino said, pulling herself together amazingly well for someone who was just squealing over the hotness of a boy-boy couple getting' it on later that night.
"It's alright," the woman replied, losing some of her nervousness, and straightening her back, proving that she wasn't as petite as she seemed before. "I would like a medium sausage pizza to go, please."
"Five to ten minutes wait, ma'am, if you don't mind," Ino responded smoothly as she pushed Sasuke off the counter and the rest of the workers, me included, into the kitchen. She continued on with standard worker-to-customer chat as I deftly spread the sauce over the smooth dough. Lee youthfully sprinkled cheese evenly onto the sauce, and Chouji scattered just the right amount of sausages onto the pizza, leaving Kiba to slide it into the oven and turn on the timer. It was a ballet of sorts; a ballet performed by lazy stay-at-home-watching-football-in-the-LazyBoy husbands with beerguts to rival the stomach of a ten month pregnant women. Ow. Ten months. Painful. Biologically possible? I dunno.
Once the delicious looking pile of meat, cheese, and cardboard had been given to the woman, Sasuke resumed his original position, but avoided the previous conversation, THANK YOU WHOEVER IS UP THERE LISTENING.
"Ino, where exactly do you live?" he asked her, turning to the blond. She shrugged.
"It's the house on the corners of Butterfly Lane and Pig Run Way. Bright yellow, only house with decent lawn decorations. You can't really miss it."
"Ah, it's just houses away from my own…but then again, my lot is pretty big," he said, sipping some orange soda he had gotten in his own cup from the soda fountain. "I live on the street that's just off of—"
"Well, du-uh! Everyone knows where you live!" Sakura said, drawling out the duh. "Everyone in this town has had at least one wet dream involving you. Me included. Except I wasn't actually in the action. It was you and—" she gave me a smug look "—an anonymous blond with big blue eyes and a nice ass."
"You knew what his butt looked like?" Lee asked, something entirely un-Lee-like, effectively killing all the squirrels in a one-block radius from shock. No, I'm kidding. Sasuke asked that.
"Now, she never said it was a boy, did she?" Ino pointed out coyly. Chouji huffed.
"This is Sakura we're talking about." Okay, that was Lee. No it wasn't, it was me.
"With those past comments being beside the point, I know because Sasuke moaned it into his ear right before he stuck—"
"Bread in the toaster!" Lee shouted, covering his ears, to prevent any further loss of innocence and youth, God forbid.
"You do know how provocative that is, don't you, love?" Sakura purred in the same tone Ino had used to reprimand Chouji. Lee rolled his eyes and walked back into the kitchen.
"Well, I do believe my brother and his significant other have passed out from overexertion by now, so I do believe it is time for me to head back home," Sasuke announced, looking at his cell.
"What about the other two?" I asked.
"Your long lost twin and Ino's older sister?" he asked, though it was rhetorical. I laughed at the fact that Deidara did look like he could have passed as Ino's older sister. "They're more discreet. I really don't have to worry about them. They don't go at it like bunnies in heat. I'll see you guys at, say, eleven at Ino's tomorrow?"
"Right," we all agreed, and Sasuke walked out the door. Sakura and Ino simultaneously turned to me.
"You need to make your move."
"Soon."
I hung my head and nodded.
---OMG, TIME SKIP, WTF?!---
It was the end of my shift, thank goodness to berries. I tossed my apron into the basket with the others' soiled one and made my way to the door. Just as I pushed the door open, Kiba pulled me aside.
"Whajja wan?" I whined, poking the hand that was gripping my upper left arm. Kiba let go and instead poked me in the forehead.
"Wear that black cami of yours—"
"It's my grandma's!"
"—don't care, just wear it to the party."
"Why?"
"Because that Sasuke guy was totally staring at you why you were eating your breakfast at McDonald's!" Kiba said, waving his arms around for emphasis.
"How do you know he wasn't staring at my breakfast?" I asked, thinking of the yummy breakfast sandwich.
"Because I'm not an idiot like you," he retorted, causing me to growl, but he continued on nonetheless. "I hooked up with my best friend, so you should listen to me."
"Did you seduce your best friend in a cami?" I asked dryly.
"No, I went to a big party with loads of alcoholic beverages, got drunk, got Shino drunk (which was pretty hard, might I add), and somehow got us horny and in an empty room with our clothes nowhere to be found," he said in a smart-ass tone. I stuck out my tongue at him. "Your plan will be similar, I believe, but will include a cami, causing several other boys to look at you. Jealousy is key. He sees other guys wanting you, he wants you more. Got it?"
"Well, how do I know he wants me in the first place?"
"Oh, my poor naïve coworker, trust me." Then Kiba unceremoniously shoved me out the door and left me to catch my bus back to the apartment. I sighed. Why, oh why, did it have to be me? Why couldn't be Sasuke who was secretly lusting over me? WHY?
---OMG, MORE TIME SKIPPINGS, LOL, JUST LIKE DURING FOURTH PERIOD, WTF IS UP WITH ALL THESE TIME SKIPS?!---
I glared at the black cotton thing with venom in my eyes; it stared back at me mockingly, daring me to go against its wishes. I growled; it just kept its gaze even, proudly boasting its knowledge that it knew I would soon cave in. I knew I would, too; Kiba had more experience (in many subjects other than the one I was confronting, but that is beyond the point) than I did, and I, sadly enough, trusted him. Groaning in defeat, I grabbed the black cami off the back of the chair and pulled it over my head. I also grabbed and slid into my favorite pair of pants: light brown cargo pants with tons of pockets, very loose, but had a very tight waist. I don't know why I liked them so much; Sasuke tells me that he sees skater girl punks wearing them all the time.
I was dressed, ready to go, and it was ten fifteen on the morning of the day of the party that Kiba practically swore I would lose my virginity at; I didn't need to leave the apartment for Ino's until ten thirty at the earliest. I was bored. So what did I do? I prank called Sasuke. Well, one couldn't exactly call it a prank call, because Sasuke knew it was me, but played along anyway. Now, what prank to use? Huh. Ooh! My phone was out in a flash and I quickly dialed in thirteen; it was the speed dial number for him.
After two rings, he picked up. "Hello?" he asked rather groggily, and very un-Sasuke-like; usually, Sasuke would be up and ready by now.
"All right. Do you know…the muffin man?" I asked, pausing dramatically. He caught on immediately.
"The muffin man?" he repeated.
"The muffin man," I affirmed.
"Yes I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?"
"Well, she's married to the muffin man…"
"The muffin man?"
"THE MUFFIN MAN!"
"She's married to the muffin man." Cue hysterical laughter. Yeah, cuz that's just how Sasuke and I roll.
"So what's up with you, Mr. Grumpy Gills?" I asked in my Dory voice.
"Now who said I was grumpy?" he replied, yawning over the phone. "I'm just tired. I had absolutely no sleep last night."
"Brother being fucked and screaming out, 'Oh, Kisame! Harder, harder! Oh, yeah, AHHH!'?" I guessed, pitching my voice an octave or two higher for the imitation of Itachi.
"Oh, no, that was only for the first half of the night," Sasuke growled. My eyes widened, as did my grin.
"They didn't? Not my long lost twin and the older sister of Ino?" I asked, letting my grin seep into my voice. Sasuke groaned over the phone, telling me that they, in fact, did.
"The kid is so vocal! I swear, if he isn't screaming, he's moaning, and honestly I think he was giggling at one point. Giggling, Naruto! Who giggles during sex? I don't. Do you? No—"
"How would you know, Sasuke?" I asked coyly, batting my eyelashes at air. There was a moment of silence before Sasuke voiced his thoughts.
"Hey, Naruto, are you vocal during sex?" Wow. Random. What's up with that?
"Dunno, wanna find out?" I teased, sounding a hell of a lot calmer than I felt. Seriously, what was up with Sasuke asking that?
"Sorry, you know I'd freakin' love to but I can't right now. Gotta get dressed, find a couple of pints of Visine for each of my eyes, the normal things. Maybe later tonight when we're drunk off our asses and have no clue who we're with or what we're saying?"
"M'kay, sounds good, I'll hold you up to that," I said, laughing in a teasing manner. "See you at Ino's." We then hung up.
"Time please, Gertrude. Ten twenty three you say? Why thank you Gertrude. Well, I shall be off now, Gertrude; maybe pick up some McDonald's on the way, seeing as Ino's house is close to Sasuke's and McDonald's is on the way. See you later, Gertrude. Much later, I suspect; Ino's having the party, and it's supposed to last into the wee hours of the morning. What was that, Gertrude? Use protection? Gertrude, you skank!" I lightly slapped the small green house plant's leaves and pulled on another shirt over my cami; it read 'Nature Can't be Restocked' and had a picture of a barcode with zebras in the code on it. I pocketed all necessary items (which did NOT include a condom, thank you very much, Gertrude!), slipped on my shoes (which were never tied nor untied) and left my apartment.
As I had told Gertrude before I left my bedroom, I stopped by McDonald's and picked up a large order of apples and broccoli. No, I didn't; healthy eating is for people who are afraid to die young! I got myself a big-ass helping of deep fried potato sticks (also known as fries). Well, come to think of it, aren't potatoes vegetables too? They are!
After I had swallowed the last of the artery-clogging goodness, I tossed my trash into the trashcan and left the fine eating establishment for Ino's house. As she had said to Sasuke, it was the only yellow house on the corner with decent lawn decorations; there was a cute little gnome riding a frog with a trumpet in its hands, as well as several others. Really, they were quite tasteful when all was said and done. I mean, it wasn't as if there was a little boy and girl gnome doing it doggie-style. No little gnome-lings getting knocked up. My inherited pervertedness beside the point, I walked up to the door and knocked. Lee answered the door. No he didn't. Kiba did. No, it wasn't Kiba either. Haku yanked the door open and smiled at me sweetly, like he did every time he saw Sasuke and I walking down the hall alone (it was as if he Knew something!). No, wait, Haku's off on some beach for the week off…
It was Ino. No, it was Sakura. No, it was both. I'm serious this time. Ino had yanked the door open, but was pounced upon from behind by Sakura, who had squealed in joy (or so I thought) when she saw me. "Hey, Nata!" she yelled over her shoulder. "I forgot to tell you that you were right all those years ago!"
Who was Nata?
"About what I think I was?" came Hinata's voice from further in the house, and surprisingly it had a little bit of excitement in it. I wondered if now was a good time to run. Ino squashed that hope.
"Well, come on in," she said, having picked herself off the floor and from under her best friend, and gripping my arm. I then entered (i.e. was dragged into) Ino's house. Her house was incredibly large, but not nearly as big as Sasuke's. She led (dragged) me into the main living room, where all of the furniture had been removed, and a large stereo system connected to a lap top were in the corner. Sitting at the computer, was Hinata, who looked up to see who entered the room. She squealed much like Sakura when she saw it was me. I tried to bite my arm off to escape.
"I was right!" she said, and came over to pull me to the computer. Apparently I couldn't walk on my own today. She sat me down in a chair beside her own, and began scrolling down what looked like a long list of titles. It was iTunes. "So have you made out with him yet?" she probed in a very unlike Hinata way. It scared me.
"I have no idea who -what- you're talking about," I said quickly, looking away.
"Made out with who?" came a voice at the door to the kitchen. Oh, darn you, Sasuke, Murphy, and Fate. Darn you all!
Hinata's head swiveled to wear Sasuke was standing, giving both of us weird looks. "Sasuke, Naru's in denial," she whined in an oddly singsong voice.
"I am not!" I retorted. She sighed.
"Now he's in denial about not being in denial!"
"I'm not in denial! I've admitted it to myself; I just don't feel like sharing it with you people. Besides, you all seem to Know far more about what I like than I do!"
"Damn right we do!"
"What are we talking about?" Sasuke said, looking hopelessly lost. Poor guy. Great, now he's looking molestably uke…again. He really needed to stop doing that. He was supposed to be the seme of my dreams! Hinata looked briefly back at him before turning to me.
"Except for him," she corrected.
"Obviously." I rolled my eyes.
"Okay, listen, whatever," Sasuke said, waving his hand dismissively. "Can we just get back to getting ready?" he asked dryly, obviously sulking from being left out of something. My poor Sasuke!
"Sure!" Ino exclaimed happily, making sure that we didn't forget about her. "Sakura and I're working in the kitchen getting all the snacks ready. Everything else is good to go, but you guys can help Hinata pick out songs…oh, and boys?"
"Yeah?" we asked simultaneously, looked at each other, then turned back.
"Try not to make the songs too gay," she said happily before prancing to the kitchen where Sakura was awaiting, laughing hysterically. Behind us, I could hear Hinata giggling quietly. Sasuke scowled back at them.
"You're mean!" I shouted after them, standing to shake my fist. Sasuke quickly stole my seat, the bastard.
"Why aren't you screaming 'I'm not gay' after them?" Sasuke asked, smirking up at me. I paused in my shaking of the fist, smacked him upside his head and sat promptly on his lap. He was too stunned to do anything. I was too eager to change the subject than to answer. Hinata was too busy trying to hide her giggles to give me an 'I-told-you-so' look. Pausing in though, I tapped my chin as I went through lists of songs in my head.
"I Touch Myself," I said, finally picking out a song with a good beat. A moment of heavily awkward silence. I began to rethink my choice in song.
"GAH-ah, hah!" Hinata managed out before she snorted and fell to the ground, laughing and rolling around. I myself was pushed out of my 'seat' as Sasuke clutched his abdomen, laughing so hard I couldn't hear anything but great gasps as he gulped in air. He was blushing pretty hard, too, but I guess that was from lack of oxygen. I pouted, blushing myself, and crossed my arms from my place on the floor.
"It's a song, you perverted idiots," I growled. Hinata grasped the seat of her chair and pulled herself up, and I too pushed myself up. But when I went to sit on Sasuke's lap, he pushed me away (even when I pouted at him). So I took the next available lap; Hinata's. She surprisingly didn't mind.
"God, Naru, where does all that ramen and fudge go? You're as light as Hanabi!" she exclaimed, positioning me to better her own comfort. Hanabi was her sister, a gymnast, and very light.
"Whatever, just look up the damn song," I pouted, crossing my arms again. She shrugged, and typed the title in at the search bar with little to no giggling this time. "The Maximes," I said when it looked like she was going to ask who sang it. It was a few seconds until the screen brought up the song I had suggested and Hinata clicked on the button to listen to a thirty second sampling to the song.
"I want you and nobody else. When I think about you I touch myself…"
Hinata paused to look between Sasuke (who had a far away look in his eyes) and me (I had kinda spaced out about obvious things and wouldn't be surprised if I were drooling) before giving me a thumbs up. "Great choice in song, Naru! Sasuke, you got any ideas?"
And thus, we found more songs for the party. Sasuke ended up picking some emo German songs, like something that translated into mid-night, and a few others. When I was consulted to suggest a song, I would always pick some of the more unknown songs, but were pretty neat too. Hinata picked rap songs, and other stuff like "Buy U a Drank." I honestly have no clue how to spell it.
"Chloe says that it's a rape song," she commented to us as the song downloaded. Ino had briefly popped her head into the living room to see how we were doing.
"Isn't that the girl who's always telling you to let loose your inner gangsta?" she asked. Hinata shook her head.
"No, you're thinking of Monica."
At fifteen minutes until one, Hinata said that she'd get a few more songs, but that Ino, Sakura, and I should scamper off to work like the good little cheese-and-cardboard-making bunnies we are. Ino and Sakura sadly agreed, but offered me a ride in Ino's car. I waved good bye to Sasuke, promising to see him later at the party, and followed Sakura and Ino out the door in the kitchen that connected to the garage. Once we were safely buckled in in Ino's car, she backed out of the garage and drive way. While she drove, Sakura turned in her seat to grin viciously at me.
"So what are you gonna wear?" she demanded, looking me up and down. I sighed and removed my shirt, showing her the cami; I also gestured at my pants.
"Oh that is hot!" she squealed, and I backed a little into the back of the seat. "Are you going to wear any jewelry?" I fingered the antique jewel necklace that baachan had given me. "Good…now, do you plan on wearing any make up?"
"WHAT?!" I demanded, my face crumpled in utter shock and or disgust.
"Some nice black eyeliner would accentuate your eyes nicely," Ino commented from behind the wheel. Sakura nodded.
"Of course we'd put it on you before the party and after work, not now," she assured me. A sense of doom weighed down on the bottom of my stomach like a rock.
Work was nothing special today. People came, people ordered, people ate, people left disgusted, people puked their guts out at home. We sat around bored, we pretended to be busy, we attempted to make something edible, we tried to look apologetic and ashamed, we laughed at the people behind their backs. Lee assured us all that tonight would be one of the most youthful ones in our lives. I laughed along with the others, but a foreboding sense of foreshadowing hid in one of the dark recesses in my mind, next to where I keep all the formulas in math I forget on the test, but remember when I'm eating Polish sausages. Wait… why are they called recesses? I thought recesses were the thirty minutes of freedom the little munchkins in elementary school got. Oh well. Kiba eyed my outfit critically for several moments before he looked up at me and nodded, grinning.
When it was time to leave (Chouji's dad let us get off thirty minutes early), Chouji and Kiba hopped into Lee's car (a bright green bug, no less) and Sakura and I piled back into Ino's car. Sakura sat in the back seat with me, and pulled out her purse from under the seat. I eyed it suspiciously. I had good reason. She rummaged around in it for a few moments before pulling out what looked like a pen and holding it victoriously. Her heroic pose done and over with, she began slowly advancing towards me (or as much as she could in a car). Suddenly, she tackled me, pinned my arms down with one of her hands, and sat down on my waist, effectively trapping my legs. I began trashing violently until she whacked me with her free hand.
"Oh, stop it Naruto," she scolded. "I realize that normally you would only allow Sasuke to share with you in this position, but bear with me a moment here, and maybe you two can do this a lot more, minus the clothes. Which reminds me," she turned to Ino. "Hey Ino, what goes in dry and hard and comes out wet and soft?"
"I don't know," Ino sighed, "what?"
"Bubble gum!"
"Shut it, and get your feminine torture over with!" I shouted, desperately trying to change the subject.
"All right, all right, Mr. Whiny-Pants," Sakura said, and bent over me, taking the cap off the eyeliner with her mouth. She spit it amazingly back into her purse. "Okay, Naruto, stay absolutely still and don't blink. Ino, avoid as many bumps as possible or we won't be seeing any hot make out action between two sexually frustrated teenagers."
"Who, you and Lee?" she asked smugly, but kept her eyes on the road.
Sakura slowly lowered the eyeliner pen to my left lower lid, and put some pressure, drawing the pen across the ledge of my lid. I tried very hard not to link, and succeeded, but barely. She went back and added more eyeliner to the far corner of my eye, and did the same to my right. Once she was done, she sat up straight, and eyed me before turning to the front seat.
"Success!" she shouted. She grasped her purse and put the eyeliner away before pulling out a hand mirror and handing it to me. I looked in and was pleasantly surprised. My eyes were nicely accentuated by the black eyeliner. No way I'd let her know that, of course.
"Thanks, I guess," I said grudgingly. Sakura smiled, and got off me.
"You're welcome, my little Sasuke-luster," she replied happily. Before I could retort, however, Ino pulled up in a driveway that wasn't hers,
"You have ten minutes," Ino said, turning around to look at Sakura. She nodded cheerfully and hopped out of the car, skipping into the front door. The ten minutes passed rather quickly when Sakura sashayed out of her house, dressed in a long brown strapless shirt with dark floral designs and tight light blue jeans. It all went quite lovely-y with her hair.
"Nice," I said as she slid in.
"Thank you," she replied. Ino backed out and continued on to her own house. When we pulled up and parked, there were already two other cars, including Lee's bright green one and a police car. Wait…police car?
Ino must have seen my distress because she automatically said, "Oh don't worry about them. They claim they're chaperones, but really they're just there to leech off our booze."
"Reassuring," I mumbled before getting out of my side of the car. I walked up to the front door and let myself in. The first thing I saw was a massive amount of green.
"OH, SUCH A YOUTHFUL YOUNG LADY! YOU ARE THE EPITOME OF THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH!" I was suddenly caught up in an overenthusiastic hug.
"Rape!" I managed to squeak out before someone managed to pull the Massive Green Thing off.
"No, no, Gai-sensei!" Lee said, reprimanding the Massive Green Thing that happened to be in an officer outfit. "That is not a young lady!"
"Lee! Do not question your sensei!" Oh, so this was the Gai-sensei that Lee was always copying?
"Osu, Gai-sensei!" Wow. Such bonding.
"Lee!" I wonder if Sakura is jealous.
"Gai-sensei!" Where's Sasuke?
"Lee!" I'm too sexy for my shirt…
"Gai-sensei!" They need more variety.
"Naruto!" Hinata said, popping up from behind Lee and Gai. I grinned a very vulpine grin.
"Hinata!" I replied, happy to be included in the shouting of other people's names.
"Kakashi?" came Sasuke's voice. I turned to see him at the door staring questioningly at the other officer, a man who had a good two third of his face covered and had silver hair sticking out everywhere.
"Sasuke," the officer replied politely, never once looking up from his little orange book.
"Kiba?" another voice sounded at the door, a quiet one that I had never heard before.
"Shino!" replied Kiba in a very Fangirl-esque voice before glomping the boy at the door.
"TenTen!" shouted Sakura, who had magically appeared in the house, pointing at a girl in the door.
"Sakura!" the girl shouted back, rushing in.
"Ino!" shouted Temari, who materialized in the door, dragging with her three very unwilling boys, one known to me, the other two unknown.
"Temari!" Ino squealed, leading her friend in.
"Shikamaru!" Chouji explained, addressing his best friend who was in the clutches of his girlfriend.
"Che, troublesome," he replied lazily, breaking the chain of introductions. All who had participated eagerly (me included) groaned at his lack of enthusiasm.
"Well, now that we've all been introduced—" Ino began, but was cut off by the oldest guy in Temari's clutches.
"I wasn't, and neither has he…" He pointed at the other guy, a redhead.
"Who do you think I am, your preschool teacher? Introduce yourselves!" she shouted back, causing the squeaker to reel back, slightly shocked. "Anyway, now that a great deal of people have magically shown up at the same time, let's get the party started! I'm no tour guide, so find food and drinks yourselves. It's in the kitchen. DJ, kick us out some tunes!" A pause; no music. "DJ? Hinata!"
"Oh!" She broke eye contact with the oldest boy Temari had dragged in and seated herself behind the computer in a corner of the room; soon enough, loud music began blasting through the house, and people were moving about, mingling, gossiping, socializing, swaying randomly to the music. I saw Ino turn to the police officer Sasuke had addressed as Kakashi.
"More people will be coming, so just let them in. Of course, don't go against your good judgment and talk to me if you see any suspiciousness, okay?" she asked the officer, and seemed to be satisfied even though he hadn't responded. "And Kakashi? Suspiciousness does not include people eating each other's faces off, okay?" The officer immediately brightened.
"You mean people will do that here?" he asked gleefully. Ino cast a smug glance at me.
"For certain," she replied to the officer's delight. I groaned and went away. Nothing to elaborate on there. I went…away! It sounds so mysterious when you pause and enunciate in the correct places. I…went away! I…went away! I…went away! You get the idea.
"Why hullo there, poor unsuspecting victim who I wish to rape," said someone behind me and I grinned. I turned around to face (a very sexy) Sasuke wearing ripped blue jeans and a casual blue polo, the top buttons…unbuttoned.
"And greetings to you, malevolent stalker who I wouldn't mind raping me," I replied with my normal cheerfulness. For a brief second Sasuke seemed to look at me as if he were trying to say, No you fucking idiot, I am not kidding about this. Or maybe it was just me. Either or, I ignored it, being the oh-so-smart person I was.
Sasuke handed me one of the two bottles he held in his hand. I looked at it. I sniffed it. I bathed it. I dated it. I read it. "'Mike's Hard Lemonade.' Hey Sasuke, why is the lemonade aroused?" Sasuke, being the every caring friend he is, ignored me, and instead popped the lid off both the bottles, motioning for me to drink it.
Which I of course did. It was good. It made me feel happy. Yay.
After a couple a really nice bottles of the very good lemonade (and maybe two hours, give or take fifteen minutes), and some very random rambling which I swear was not caused by the nice lemonade ("Sasuke, remember to always say please and thank you to the cats or they shall devour your flesh in the wee hours of the morning and feel no remorse." "IS THAT CLARISSE?! Oh, no, 'tis but a mere rock.") Sasuke and I eventually found ourselves standing by the DJ (Hinata) and trying to think of a song to request. She was dressed extremely casually (like, to a fault) in a small tube top with palm trees and a sunset printed on it and pants that were at least three sizes too big for her. Suddenly, Sasuke snapped his fingers as if an idea had come to him.
"Got Rice, Bitch?" he said, and I looked at him, appalled. How dare he speak to Hinata in such a way, even if it was sexy as hell? I looked at Hinata, to see her reaction. Surprisingly, she was grinning like a mad woman.
"You got it, cuz," she replied, referring to their loose family ties with each other. She clicked a few things on the computer, and we waited for the beginning of the song. My first impression was that it was rap. My impression by the beginning of the second verse was inferiority.
"Got rice, bitch? Got rice? Got food, got soup, got spice?"
Wow. Someone was bit-ter!
"Shash-kay!" I lisped-whined, tugging at his arm. "This song is making me feel inferior!" I, having the incredible timing that I did, said that just as the song ended.
Sasuke would have replied, but I immediately shushed him, noticing that Hinata was interacting with a male…and blushing! It was the oldest guy that Temari had dragged in. He looked weird. What type of guy wears make-up? Seriously…
"Honestly," the guy was saying (yes, I am an eavesdropper, but Hinata had inserted herself in my lovelife, therefore I was allowed to insert myself in hers), "sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in my house who doesn't like boys like that."
"Really?" Hinata asked over the computer, her chin in her hands.
"Yeah. Ya know Temari, what with her boyfriend being male and all," he said lamely, a bit flustered (good, good; can't have Nata falling for a badass). "And then my younger brother, Gaara—he's the short redhead making out with the guy with the freakishly long hair over there—"
Feeling the need to see who the Gaara fellow's lover was, I turned to look at who the brown haired guy was pointing at. I was shocked, to say the least.
"Hey, Nata," I said, drawing the girl's attention away from the teen's eyes. "Isn't that guy with the freakishly long hair your sister's father's brother's son?"
Immediately catching on, Hinata snapped her gaze away from the boy to look at who the redhead was making out with. Sasuke too caught up with my lemonade-ed (I was not drunk, dammit!) slander and nearly popped his head from his neck when he turned abruptly to look at the two boys.
"The fucker!" he growled under his breath, and started to stalk towards the Hypocritical-One (Neji's name shall not be mention...ed…oh, damn, I said it!) with a killer intent in his aura. I was scared, and turned to Hinata for help.
"One sec, Kankuro," she addressed the teen, hastily getting out of her seat at the computer, "I must either go save your brother's boyfriend (also known as my cousin), or go cheer Sasuke on."
"All right?" he replied, more than a bit confused. Hinata and I cautiously followed Mr. Death-And-Sex-On-Wheels-I-Mean-Legs-And-Dammit-I'm-Not-Drunk to make sure he didn't do anything that the rest of us would regret (seeing as Sasuke himself would probably feel pretty damn proud). Once we got over to the…other side…of the room (which took an infuriatingly long amount of time due to teenagers in various states of drunkenness (I am not drunk)) we saw Sasuke standing oh-too-politely a couple of feet away from the two boys who apparently needed no air.
"Ahem," he cleared his throat oh-too-politely, gaining the attention of the Hypocritical-One and the Hypocritical-One's lover (who does not yet deserve to have a capitalized code name).
"Why Sasuke!" Hypocritical-One said in what could only be described as mocking surprise. Yes. Not mock surprise, but mocking surprise. Because it was obvious the Hypocritical-One was mocking my beloved Sasuke. "What a pleasant surprise!"
"Oh, yes, pleasant!" Sasuke replied in a strained voice. Hypocritical-One's lover had edged away to a rather safe distance and I went to stand beside him.
"You do realize that he is known to cheat?" I commented idly. He gave the slightest impression of a shrug.
"I've been with him for two years," he said stoically, his green eyes relaying boredom. "If I'd have minded, I'd have left him. He has his reasons. I don't mind."
"Ah," was my oh-so-clever response. I stood in silence with Gaara (who I had deemed worthy of being called by his own name) for a few moments watching the UNfriendly banter between my current love interest, and my current love interest's ex-love interest. Or was Hypocritical-One even Sasuke's love interest to begin with? I shall never know…
"You know, you were never even my love interest to begin with."
Oh. Well. That's quite an encouraging thought… What does phantasmagoria mean, I wonder? A shifting series of phantasms, illusions, or deceptive appearances, as in a dream or as created by the imagination? You don't say?
…I honestly don't think I've had enough aroused lemonade. I looked over to where Ne—I mean Hypocritical-One and Sasuke were exchanging pleasantries. Nope, not nearly enough. Thus explains why I suddenly found myself walking—slowly—to the kitchen. Where the fridge was.
"Oh, Sasuke," came the oh-so-evil voice of the Hypocritical-One from behind me. "Better go get your ho before someone else does."
I just kept walking, ignoring the insult towards my virginity and pride (which, as I have mentioned, is killed, so I really should have said dignity) and toward poor Sasuke. However, I did a full one-eighty when I heard the dull sound of flesh punching flesh and the sound of a person stumbling back into the wall. What I saw made me do a giddy little dance in my head.
Sasuke, his fists clenched and shaking by his sides, stood panting heavily, a self-satisfied (if not down right smug) grin plastered across his face merely a couple feet away from the stunned Hypocritical-One, who was absently fingering tenderly at the bruise that was already beginning to form from where Sasuke had punched him. Go Sasuke!
Being absolutely clueless as to what to do now, I turned to glance at the two officers. Thankfully, the Massive Green Thing was lecturing a horrified Lee and Sakura about the 'benefits and consequences of the springtime of youth.' The other officer however…
"Sasuke! What the hell was that about?!" demanded the one known as Kakashi, as he hastily made his way over to Sasuke. I rushed to his side.
"You heard what that bitch called Naruto," he growled, turning to glare venomously at the Hypocritical-One, who was being helped to his feet by Gaara. I took a step closer to Sasuke, prepared to stick up for him if need be.
"Yes, but that was uncalled for—" the officer began but Sasuke cut him off.
"'Uncalled for'?" Sasuke repeated, giving a short bark of mirthless laughter. "Tell me what you would do if someone called Iruka a ho?"
"I'd give them hell," Kakashi said softly, the look in his visible eye an odd mixture of softness and hardness. You know, like, I love him so much I will kill all who insult him. Except Sasuke would never do anything like that, darn him!
"My point exactly," Sasuke replied, giving a rather fierce smirk. Kakashi sighed in defeat and then went on boredly lecturing Sasuke on how to never do that again. Something clicked in my mind, devising a very interesting plot. I decided to go along with it.
"Sasuke, when you said Iruka, you weren't by any chance talking about an Iruka Umino, were you?" I asked innocently, as we got ourselves another bottle of aroused lemonade.
"Ah, actually yes. Why?" he replied, already downing half his bottle. He was beginning to sway a little on his feet, and I was doing no better. In fact, I was so badly off balance, I had to lean on him a little. Not that I was complaining of course. And dammit, I'm not drunk.
"Because I have an uncle named Iruka Umino," I commented absently, taking another swig of the aroused lemonade. "But he lives in Kansas, so we couldn't possibly be talking about the same people."
"Unless there are two Iruka Uminos living in Kansas," Sasuke replied dryly.
"Does the Iruka you speak of live with his sister, brother-in-law, and two of his nephews and his only niece?" I asked.
"Amazingly, yes," Sasuke responded, a note of disbelief in his voice. I grinned. Do not fail me now, oh great plan-producing brain that only works when I'm—I'm not drunk, dammit!—drunk!
"Wow, small world, huh? So…what was Kakashi's relationship with my favorite uncle?"
Sasuke shrugged. "They were best friends…well, yeah, I guess they were. Iruka was always nagging Kakashi to stop being so perverted, and Kakashi was always telling Iruka to loosen up. Eventually, sometime in highschool, they hooked up."
"What happened after that?" I asked, quite entertained with being told a story.
"They had a happy relationship. Have. Iruka had to move to Kansas to help his sister take care of her kids. They still see each other all the time."
"Ah…" Now, to make sure my devious—drunken—plan works out perfectly. Kukuku. "Sasuke, what type of drunk are you?"
"I've been told I'm an affectionate drunk," he replied, and repressed a shudder. I grinned. Perfect.
"Really? People tell me that too. But I've also been told that I'm a logical drunk."
"How so?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. IT'S BLUNT TIME! Or rather, IT'S TIME TO BE BLUNT!
"Simple. You defended me from Hypocritical-One—thank you, by the way—and even punched him in his face. When Kakashi questioned your actions, you asked him what he would have done if the same thing had been said about Iruka. He said yes. Basically. And after finding out that Iruka is in fact Kakashi's lover, I have come to a perfectly logical conclusion…" I trailed off dramatically. It was now or never. Do or die. A wild gamble based on next to nothing. AND HELL YEAH I'M GONNA DO IT WITH NO HESITATION! …shoot, I'm hesitating.
"And the logical conclusion would be…?" Sasuke pressed, a hint of nervousness in his oh-so-sexy voice. I was tempted, somehow or another, to reply, 'That you're a duck,' but restrained myself. I drained the rest of the aroused lemonade and summoned my courage.
"That you love me as much as I love you!"
…
…
Thank you, Hinata. No, really: thank you. Because you clearly helped me loads by pausing the music right before I confessed/ accused.
Someone catcalled.
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP, KIBA? THEY'RE CLEARLY ABOUT TO REALIZE THAT THEIR SEEMINGLY UNREQUITED LOVE IS IN FACT REQUITED, AND WILL ENTERTAIN US ALL BY MAKING OUT AND BEING SEXIER THAN THEY WERE BEFORE!"
Thank. You. Kiba. And. Sakura. Remind me to include them in my will.
I looked at Sasuke, who seemed to be nervously surveying the room as if asking everyone 'Is it true?' Please, o Mr. Death-and-Sex-On-Legs, reply, 'Yes, Naruto, I love you so much and I want to fucking pound you into the mattress tonight.' Please!
"Yes, dammit, yes, Sasuke!" shouted, amazingly, Lee. I'm serious this time. "He did actually fuckin' confess to you at the same time as he accused you! In the name of youth, MAKE OUT WITH HIM!"
"YES!!!" shouted Sasuke victoriously, pumping his fist into the air.
Well. Lee shouting obscenities seemed to assure Sasuke that something good had happened to him. Why do I say that, you might ask? Because my best friend, my longest friend, my love interested, grabbed me by my shoulders and pressed his lips against mine.
I was in ecstasy. But that goes with out saying.
I moved my lips against his, trying to make it seem like I was doing it out of experience, not instinct. Because I was totally experienced. Oh yeah! Experienced Man, that's what people call me! Hey, what's he doing?
Sasuke had just opened his mouth and was licking my lower lip. Sasuke. Licking. My. Lower. Lip. Sexily! I moaned and he plunged his tongue into my mouth, taking advantage of the fact that my mouth was open. Meaning, he rubbed everything in my mouth from my canine teach to my tongue, which was shyly rubbing against his own. I slid my hands into his dark glossy hair, knotting it between my fingers, relishing in all its silky duck-ass-shaped glory. Sasuke removed his hands from my shoulders and slowly moved them down my body until they rested at the small of my back, gently fingering the waistband of my pants. I heard a dull thud come from the crowd of people surrounding us, but I ignored it, seeing as I was trying so hard not to giggle from the way Sasuke had moved his hand against my sides.
Then the mood was broken when I moved away so I could have breath to giggle. Sasuke gave an exasperated sigh, rolled his eyes, then muttered something like "Oh God, he IS a giggler…" I turned to glance around the room, my eyes finally settling on the shape of a body on the floor, surrounded by a puddle of blood.
"Ohmygawd! Who is that and who killed him in the living room with a rope?" I asked, stunned. Ino grinned at me from her position by Chouji.
"It's Shikamaru! You two killed him in the living room with a yaoi fest. He had this massive nosebleed when Sasuke started pulling at your pants and passed out!" she squealed. Wow. Shikamaru did that? Whoa.
"Well, that's just fine and dandy, but Naruto and I must go now," Sasuke slurred, removing his hand from the waistband of my pants and instead gripping my forearm.
"We must?" I asked, hiccupping a little. He leaned down and whispered huskily in my ear, "We must." I shivered happily. "We must!"
---THE SHORTEST TIME SKIP IN THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE YOU ALL KNOW HOW THE AUTHOR-ESS LOSES HER MUSE OFTEN---
I soon found myself slammed against the wall Sasuke's mansion's entry way, Sasuke himself kissing the lights out of me, almost desperately. I, however, was not complaining. Far from it. I pressed my lips feverishly against his, allowing instinct—I mean experience, dammit!—to take over as I gripped his hair in my hands and rubbed my tongue against his, though it was clear Sasuke was domineering.
…yay!
Mmm…Sasuke tastes like coffee…wait…why does he taste like coffee after drinking aroused lemonade? I shall never know—oh, God, he can do that with his tongue?!
Moaning loudly, I pressed myself harder against Sasuke, eliciting a groan in response, our very prominent…problems…pushing against each other. He slipped his hands up my cami and I shivered in pleasure at how amazingly cool and…arousing…they were. Slowly, Sasuke began backing up, but did not release his hold on me, or my lips. I followed. We haphazardly made our way up the stairs to the second floor where his room was. We somehow managed to not kill ourselves while ascending. Amazing. And no, I am not talking about Sasuke doing such extraordinary things in my mouth with his tongue, however amazing that was.
Whether using magic or some other logic which I am not familiar with, I found myself abruptly in Sasuke's room, the door closed, and lying on my back on Sasuke's bed. Sasuke was straddling my hips with his knees, one of his hands up my cami the other clenching at the blankets near my head. Surprisingly, my left hand had worked its way up Sasuke's polo, while the other one was tangled in Sasuke's shockingly messy hair. Not that mine was in perfect order. Far from it.
We broke apart for a short time to catch our breath before I attacked his lips with my own, causing him to moan loudly, sending vibrations through my mouth and down my spine. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and ravished it, taking in all the detail I could. After a moment more, Sasuke retook control of the kiss.
Sasuke unglued his mouth from mine, and left handfuls of little kisses down my jawline and throat before finding a sensitive place at my pulse. He reattached that wonderful, talented mouth on it and—
"What the fuck?! You bit me!" I accused, my breathing coming fast, my eyes hazy in lust. Sasuke gave me a drunken smirk.
"It's called a hickey, dumbass. You know, love bite?"
"Oh…carry on, then."
"Gladly."
He soon got quite fed up with my cami, and I must admit that his polo was not in my My Circle of Friends. I began tugging at it, making it quite obvious that I wanted it off. Sasuke could say the same thing for the accursed (pronounced uh-curse-sed, because it's sexier) black cotton cami. Briefly detaching his mouth from my collar bone, he nearly ripped my shirt from me and tossed it unceremoniously to some unknown corner of his room, as I did the same to his polo.
Oh, the sexy expanse of sexily pure…sexiness! (Sex.) He promptly connected his mouth with my…ah…chest area, molesting it mercilessly. Not that I was begging for mercy of course.
"More, ahhhh, more, SasuKE!"
Well…clearly I wasn't begging for mercy.
Slowly but surely, Sasuke's mouth made its way down my stomach until he reached my pants' waistband. He placed his hands on the button and zipped, but stopped, looking at me for permission. Feeling my need grow, I nodded my head feverishly. His smiled softly as me, his dark eyes clouded over with lust as well. He pulled off my pants, and somehow managed to rid himself of his own. Staring hungrily at my boxers, he attacked my mouth again with his own, his hand slowly slipping—
The setting suddenly changes, and the reader finds themselves in a brightly lit kitchen, which they remember seeing Itachi and Company in the previous day; however, unlike way back whenever that was, the large windows looked out onto darkness. After a quick survey of the kitchen—a less-than-shining sink sporting several dirty dishes, the average kitchen appliances one would normally find in a kitchen, a bright yellow paint job, several cabinets and drawers, and a glass cabinet tastefully displaying several beautifully crafted pieces of China—the reader notices a fresh glass of cream—where it had come from is irrelevant—sitting beside two cherries.
A loud thud, accompanied by a drawn-out moan, from above causes the reader to briefly glance at the ceiling in curiosity before turning their attention to the berries and cream. The fact that the cherries are not berries at all is beyond the point. Another thud from above causes the glass of cream—very white cream—to vibrate a little, edging towards the lip of the counter.
"Ah, Sasuke! Saaaaasukeeeeeeeeee…that tiiiiiiickllllllles!" giggles a very virgin sounding voice from above, and the reader briefly questions the gender of the giggler. "Eee-YAH!"
"Naruuu…Narutoo," moans another voice; however, the reader does not have to question the masculinity of this one. Another thud vibrated throughout the house, the glass of cream slowly moving its way to the counter's edge, the loud thuds moving it. The glass is merely centimeters from falling over the edge. The reader briefly considers saving it, but some invisible force stops them before they can.
"Ah…ah…chocolate peanut butter fudge covered raMEHN!" shrieks the first voice, apparently moaning their favorite food, however…downright disgusting…it may be. The second voice responds in a groan.
"Eh…eh…tomaTO-AH!" The reader raises an eyebrow and smirks quietly. The glass vibrates nearer to the edge after a resounding thud…one more thud should do it…
"Sasuke…Sasuke…harder…please…"
One, final thud reverberated throughout the house, causing the glass of cream to fall and shatter against the tiled floor, the white cream getting everywhere.
"SasuKE-EE!" the vice shouts, obviously at its climax.
"AH, NARUTO!" the manly voice from before groans out; he, too, sounded as if he reached his climax.
Soon after, a silence reigns throughout the house, which is odd because don't four other people live here, too? Oh well. The reader smiles smugly and the setting changes once more, the sunny yellow kitchen shifting into a dark blue room, two exhausted figures draped across each other on the similarly colored bed in the far corner.
I was in pain, yes. Did I care? Let me ask my mind.
Blurble blurble SQUEE blurble.
No I did not care. I sighed in content and snuggled further against Sasuke, who in turn hugged me tighter with the arms around my waist. He was slowly drifting off, ever so often muttering random sentences that I didn't—
"Nuu, the cat stole my tomato and the frog...hogged my…snorkel…"
—even pay attention to. I too was slowly loosening my grasp on consciousness, but I didn't mind in the least.
Because I had my Sasuke sleeping next to me.
After squeeing happily, the author-ess promptly dies, her fingers curling up and falling off. That was too fucking long.
The author-ess has several interesting things to add to her list of things which shoot inspiration into her bloodstream when these things occur. The first would of course be eating feta cheese, followed by being racked (falling on the metal bar on your bike). The third would be…getting a sunburn. And finally, the fourth would HAVE to be falling partially through your ceiling. Yes. The author-ess did indeed fall partially through her ceiling. Only her leg though.
So, here we have 12013 words, which took…a week and three days to write. Shit.
Okay, so at the school, a friend of the author-ess is always telling her to open up to her Inner Gangsta. Yes, I know: weird. Word. If you have any questions or whatever, ask the author-ess in a review, kays?
All things that obviously do not belong to the author-ess…do not belong to the author-ess.
And yes, that italicized bit near the end was an Orange, a substitution for a Lemon: as in, replace the scene with that of berries and cream.
What to look for in the next chapter: the morning after, a smug Itachi, and a sappy incorporation of the title into the story.
