Is this only pretend? Is this feeling not real?

I look at her sleeping peacefully there and I can't help but feel… but feel….

We joke that it is only pretend. After the move, Alice arrived at the Clover Tower. She was all alone. She missed the clockmaker, Julius Monrey.

I am only a replacement in her heart… It is only pretend.

All I do is pretend. I'm pretending to be something I am not. For Nightmare… for myself…

I am an assassin, I am born to kill.

The poor girl shivered in the absence of my body heat. All I could do was pull the covers up around her. To tuck her in to my bed. Yes, she was in my bed, but it was only pretend to her. A replacement for her former lover.

Can I continue to do this? To pretend to pretend? I wanted the pretending to stop. I wanted this to be real. I loved her. But…

I can't. I am not good for her. I am… dangerous. I am only pretending to be something I am not. When I am with her, I feel that side of me boil up and nearly bubble over the edges of my very being. That side of me nearly consumes me whenever I am alone with her. I am unable to control myself. I leave bruises on her delicate, snowy white skin. I can't help but leave marks on her body. I want her to be mine and only mine, even if she loves the clockmaker.

I don't want to hurt her and yet I do. The longer this pretending goes, the more she will get hurt by me. It has to stop. I have to stop. I have the strength to really hurt her and yet… I do not have the strength to save her from myself. I have to stop, but I cannot. No matter how many times I wake up like this filled with regret, I could never stop doing this. I know I need to stop, but I could never stop… Even if the clockmaker returns.