Kensi had experienced nightmares before. When her father died, she had dreamed of him several times- a bloody mess reaching out to her, screaming her name until the last breath left his battered body. When Jack had left her, her nightmare showed her dying alone, with no one to care about her passing.
But these two paled in comparison to the ones she experienced after her kidnapping. They replayed memories of her ordeal so vivid, so frightening, that she would wake up to the sound of her own screaming, her wounds burning. Marty, who did not leave her bedside other than for necessary reasons, had quickly learned to give her space when this happened, as more than once Kensi had mistaken him for Nikolai and as a result injured him in some way. Instead, he would patiently wait out of striking distance, speaking softly and soothingly until Kensi had calmed down enough to let him draw close. He never asked her to tell him about her nightmares, never asked her to say anything at all and for that she was grateful. For Kensi, re-visiting her terrors was too agonizing; she just wanted to forget about them, not bring them to light.
Instead, Marty would just talk. He would tell her stories from their pasts, his past, or just read from something boring (although he continually protested that his surfing magazines were far from boring material, until both of them had calmed down. No matter what happened, he stayed with her through her terrors, keeping her sane.
On the third day (evening, actually) after waking up in the hospital, Kensi was finally able to leave, despite the protests of Dr. Samara. Not that it mattered. Kensi would have found a way out sooner or later. She had never been happier to see the outside as she was when she left Los Angeles County General. Deeks drove her home (she couldn't drive thanks to the fact she would not get the cast off her leg for several weeks) and helped her into her home.
To her surprise, the apartment looked exactly the same as when she had left it. Kensi wasn't entirely sure why, but for some reason she almost expected something to be different, someone to notice. Instead, the world appeared to have moved on, not caring that she had endured kidnapping and torture. It was actually someone upsetting.
It took some time to get inside, thanks to the new crutches, but considering that Kensi had hobbled around on that same leg for hours with nothing but a flimsy brace constructed out of bed springs, crutches were hardly a daunting task.
Once inside, Kensi made a beeline towards her room. Looking over her shoulder at Deeks she said, "I need to change. There might be something still edible in the pantry if you're hungry." Without waiting for his reply, she lurched into her bedroom and closed the door.
She didn't waste any time in shedding the clothing she had come home in. The clothes had been "donated" from the NCIS wardrobe-she could clearly see Hetty's small, neat writing on the tags- and had been given to replace the torn, shredded and stinking clothing that Kensi had been forced to wear throughout her kidnapping. The new clothes were… nice enough (too nice, really), but they weren't Kensi's. She was all too happy to find a comfortable pair of shorts and a well-worn tee to use instead. Kensi managed to remove the borrowed garments with only a bit of trouble, but when she went to put on her shorts, everything went completely wrong. As she tried to maneuver her casted leg into the pants hole, she over-stretched her bad arm, causing a flare of pain. It was so bad that Kensi unintentionally tensed up and lost her balance, slipping off the foot of the bed and landing with a crash that blacked her out for several seconds.
When Kensi came around, Deeks was kneeling by her side, his face a mask of concern. For a few seconds, Kensi couldn't fathom why he was there and what was going on, but then she looked down and saw that she was wearing more than a bra and underwear. Her memories came rushing back mercilessly along with the realization that she was almost completely exposed to Deeks. A strangled screaming yelp escaped her lips as she curled her body into a protective ball, desperately attempting to conceal her semi-nakedness and scars. From the soft gasp she heard, it hadn't worked. Shame crept through her entire body, making her tremble violently as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.
Suddenly something soft enveloped her, and Kensi cracked her eyes open to see that Deeks had wrapped one of the light blankets she kept in her room around her, hiding her body from view. The simple gesture, combined with everything that had happened in the previous days, was enough to send Kensi into full-fledged crying. A warm arm circled her shoulders and drew her into an even warmer body and she didn't fight it. She just sobbed. Sobbed for her pain, sobbed for her sanity, sobbed for the shame she felt in her partner seeing her so damaged, so wounded. Deeks gently rocked her back and forth, murmuring "Kens, I'm so sorry Kens," over and over, in a voice that sounded close to tears itself.
Eventually Kensi's tears abated and she realized that her head was resting on Deek's chest, her hands gripping his t-shirt so tightly her knuckles were turning white. A dark splotch was spreading from her eyes across the fabric. She pulled away, shame once more overwhelming her.
"Hey, hey," Deeks whispered, stroking her cheek with a gentle hand. "I'm here for you, okay? You don't need to be ashamed. You've been through hell and you don't need to go through it alone, remember?" Kensi nodded and swiped a hand across her eyes. "Just give me time Marty. I just need some time."
…..
Dusk had fallen when Kensi, now fully clothed, wanted to call it a day, but the thought of the approaching night (and the subsequent nightmares), twisted her gut into a writhing ball of anxiety. She was terrified of being alone with her own thoughts, but her upbringing and self-maintained status quo refused to let her ask for company, even after her "clothing incident".
Her stubborn side won out. She allowed Deeks to remain through a takeout dinner from Yummy Yummy Heart Attack, and then told him to leave. He protested of course, citing her condition and the fact that Nikolai was still on the loose, but Kensi merely replied that she still had a backup gun, knife and a cell phone. She also suspected Marty had called in favors to get a patrol car to keep an eye on her, something he didn't necessarily deny.
"I'll be fine Deeks. I'll even keep my bedroom door locked for you. Go home and get cleaned up. You stink." When that didn't get a response, Kensi sighed and gave Deeks a gentle nudge with her crutch. "Seriously, Marty, I'll be okay. You've already done enough for me these past few days. Go home, remind Monty you still love him and take some time for yourself. I'll see you tomorrow." Deeks still looked quite unconvinced.
"You'll call me right away?" He grumbled.
"Yes. Now go."
Finally, reluctantly, Deeks turned and headed out her front door, looking back several times. Kensi waited until he drove away, and then made her way into her bedroom. She was already worn out from the day's events, so much so that her earlier anxiety had abated. Too tired to shower or change, Kensi merely crashed in her bed and within seconds she was fast asleep.
…..
The nightmare didn't creep, didn't wait. Instead, it slammed around Kensi like the steel jaws of a trap, forcing her into a horrendously realistic world she could not escape from. She was back in the forest, lost, alone and terrified. Kensi desperately dragged her wounded leg behind her, striving to escape from the snapping branches and heavy breathing that tracked her every move. Worst of all, a low, mocking laugh followed her, growing louder with each desperate step.
A new sound entered the dream then, a familiar voice that sent relief flushing through her system. Deeks was calling, calling her name, and she yelled out, trying to get his attention. Just when Kensi thought she had caught a glimpse of blonde hair, a strong arm wrapped around her neck, pulling her violently backwards. Kensi kicked, screamed and struggled to no avail as Deek's voice grew fainter and fainter.
The scene rushed forward with impossible speed, until Kensi was once more suspended above the blood-splattered concrete floor of Nikolai's cabin basement. Her tormentor was standing in front of her, a malicious smirk across his ugly face. He was playing with a lighter, flicking it open and closed so that the flame flashed in a regular, ominous rhythm. Kensi could see the unlit cigarette in his other hand.
"No, no, no, no wake up, it's just a dream, oh God, Deeks where are you , noooo…" she moaned, trying to pull away. Nikolai laughed then, a deep cruel sound that sent tremors through Kensi's core as he lit the cigarette.
"You cannot escape me. Never." He whispered, lifting the burning tip and driving it towards her…
"NO!" Kensi shot bolt upright, awakened by her screaming. She was completely wrapped in something, trapped so that she couldn't move, couldn't escape. Kensi struggled with all of her might, rolling and thrashing until she suddenly fell, landing with a jarring thud on a hard floor. Pain shot throughout her entire body, allowing for Kensi's head to clear somewhat, enough at least to remember where she was. Her panic abated for a few brief seconds before she remembered her nightmare and, in particular, Nikolai's leering face. A cold dread shot through her. Was that his heavy step, causing the floor to creak? Was she hearing his panting breath, his excitement at the hunt? Was- Without fully realizing it, Kensi had grabbed her phone and was dialing Deek's number. He answered before the first ring had even finished.
"Kens, what's the matter?"
"He…he…was there Deeks…" a sob racked her throat, cutting off her words.
"Nikolai?! He's there right now!?" Even over the tiny speaker, she could clearly hear the sound of Deeks' feet slapping the floor in unison.
"No! No, he… he… was there… in my dreams… in my head." Once again, the cell phone's speaker clearly transmitted Deeks' heavy sigh of relief.
"Whooooh… okay, okay Kens. I'm right on my way over, okay? Just take some deep breaths. Deep breaths, got it? I'll be there in five."
"Don't hang up!" Later, it might have felt foolish, but at that very moment, the only thing keeping everything at bay was the sound of his voice.
"I'm not going to, I won't hang up. Hey, wanna hear a funny story?" He kept talking throughout his entire drive over, only pausing once to speak to the officer posted outside her building (she had been right about that).
"Alright Kens, will you go to your front door? I'm right outside of it- you can check your peephole." Slowly, cautiously, with one hand tightly gripping her father's knife, Kensi made her way to the door, turning on every light along her path. Looking nervously through the peephole, Kensi saw that not only was Marty indeed there, but he brought Marty along as well. Kensi was surprised at the relief she felt at seeing them there (even Monty), and opened the door just enough for the two to get inside. As soon as the door was closed, Kensi dropped her knife and more or less fell forward into Deeks' arms, tears running unchecked down her face. He somehow maneuvered, Marty and himself to the nearby couch, settled them all into a more stable position, and began murmuring softly to Kensi while holding her close. Even Monty seemed unhappy about Kensi's tears- he whined softly and placed his shaggy head on her knee. Normally that would have caused her to at least crack a smile, but all Kensi could do was cry into Deeks' shoulder while he gently rocked her back and forth.
Eventually Kensi's sobs quieted enough that she was able to haltingly tell her partner what happened. Every detail came out, and although it was painful, Kensi felt a sort of release at being able to let it all go. Deeks, for his part, said little and took everything in without the slightest hint of disbelief or scorn. When Kensi choked up at the part about the burning cigarette, he drew her closer to himself and in a soft voice said, "We're gonna find him Kens. We're going to find him, and he's going to pay for everything that he did to you. But right now I'm here, Monty's here, and we'll keep you safe. Do you want to try and sleep in your bed again? I can take your couch if you'd rather sleep alone."
Kensi blinked, suddenly feeling as if someone had placed heavy weights on her eyelids. With Deeks around, the apartment felt once more to be a safe haven rather than a looming trap. Exhaustion overtaking her, she mumbled, "Stay with me. Don't care where, just… stay." She closed her eyes as she felt Deeks ever-so-carefully pick her up and carry her to her bed. He pulled her close and Kensi fell asleep to the steady, comforting beat of his heart.
Not sure how much longer this will go, maybe five more chapters? We'll see.
Please review!
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