AN: So... this chapter is a little weird to me, I guess. I wrote it to set the stage for where Tommy's character is going. He feels sort of lonely, so he's getting desperate to reach out and be heard. For those of you who have been rooting for pairings, you might not like this too much. lmao! I hope you've all had a safe and wonderful holiday season! Enjoy! (:


Tommy Pickles

April 5th, 2010

My phone has been sitting in the cup holder of my Mercedes-Benz for the entire drive. It vibrates for what seems like the hundredth time. It's gone off the whole way over here. In fact, it's gone off so much that by the time I get to where I'm going, I can't even look at it anymore.

I say that… but I look down at it anyway and see exactly what I expect to see. There's a few texts from this girl I've been fucking recently… a chick named Shannon, a senior with curly red hair, big tits, and a little bit of an overbite, and one each from Charles, Dil, and Carter asking where I am. Those three are hitting me up because I've kind of fucked up their daily routine. After school, we normally go to my crib to hang out and smoke and play some video games like normal. They can get in without me, though. Chuck and Dil both have their own keys.

We chill in the basement, drink a couple brews, and talk a lot of bullshit. It's been happening since 7th grade. Except we didn't smoke or drink in the 7th grade and now sometimes, Charles and Carter will dip out and make a few runs because one of their clients hit their phones… Not their real lines, of course because who wants some junky bitch calling them at all hours of the day for some pills? Dil and I think its not cool at all for them to leave the way they do, but they come back sooner than we expect every time and bring up how wacked out or gnarly the buyer looked before they finally ask "Should we roll up another one?" when they realize that Dil and I have faced the remainder of the blunt to ourselves.

But I don't wanna do that today. It isn't that I'm sick of hanging with them… but I feel off… like I need something different. Weed usually calms me down when I'm feeling shitty like this but for the first time, I'm tired of being high. And that's like… never happened. Ever.

To be honest I think its because seeing Lil earlier may have fucked me up a little. I can't really explain this feeling except to say that I feel… bad. I feel real shitty inside and I'm not sure why.

But I've been thinking enough. So I finally turn off my car and get out, leaving my phone inside to ring or vibrate or do whatever it needs to do. And then, I walk up onto the porch of the house and knock on the door. No one answers at first, and I think about just waiting but I get too antsy to knock again. I've been waiting outside for a while and if I wait any longer, I might lose my nerve. Without thinking, I get the key from under the placemat where it's always been and let myself inside.

I used to do this late at night when I would sneak over to see Lil. It was easy to sneak in their house too. It was relatively new, the floors weren't hard wood and everyone's rooms were a significant ways away from everyone. I damn near have a flashback just from opening the door and shutting it behind me so carefully.

It's quiet. I don't call out because I know now that nobody is home, but I do stroll into the living room and stop in front of a wall of photos. There's a shit ton. I study them quietly. A few specifically catch my interest—the ones of Lil, Phil, Chuckie, and I as kids back in elementary school, Phil and Lil together growing up, Phil's football pictures… then I notice a smaller one, moved off to the side. It's a family portrait of the twins with their mom and dad. I frown. A lot has changed since then.

"Don't take too much time staring at that one. The studio lighting washes their skin out in the worst way."

I turn around quick and try not jump out of my skin when I hear that voice.

"Maya…?"

She looks pretty bewildered too, being that I've just strolled into Lil's crib not only unannounced, but also without permission. Her arms are crossed, but she's got the slightest bit of a smile on her face. Her hair is curled and matted and messy, like it hasn't been washed in a day or so. I close my eyes and open them, taking a photograph with my mind. It's another one of those moments where I wish I had my camera.

"Looking for someone?" Maya asks in a tone that somehow reminds me of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.

"Nope." I say, telling a bold-faced lie.

Truth be told, I came here expecting to run into Lil… even though I dodged her earlier. On my way home, I kept thinking that maybe I should have spoke to her. Eventually, those crazy thoughts had me on my way to her house. I was a good 5 minutes from mine when I turned the other direction and then it was like… I was sitting outside before I even had time to think about it. I wasn't quick to go anywhere at first. I waited on the street with the car running, just contemplating what to do next.

I pictured myself knocking on the door, Lil answering after a few minutes and inviting me inside. I imagined we would walk into the kitchen and she would do something sweet like offer me a drink and I'd say no. I'd creep up behind her and kiss her on the cheek and apologize for everything. I'd tell her that I was an asshole who didn't appreciate the girl she was and that she definitely deserved a man like Carter in her life. She'd turn around and kiss me, and we'd have sex for the last time.

Instead, I'm looking at Maya and she's swimming in an oversized white t-shirt, scrutinizing me with her big hazel eyes, dressed up with these light bags from not sleeping. I've gotta admit, seeing her there instead of Lil seems like a blessing. I know how likely it is that the first scenario would have happened.

Maya's like, "So, you normally just walk into people's houses like this? When the door is clearly locked?"

"I guess so," I say. It's weird because she looks sort of… happy to see me. I figure that, intruder or not, she hasn't kicked me out because she's relieved that someone's here. I can imagine she's been kinda lonely. She has this look on her face… it's the one that puppies have when they've been put up for adoption, just waiting for someone to come visit and play with them and maybe, just maybe decide to take them home. The thought of it makes me laugh a little bit. I shrug. "It doesn't matter why I'm here. You look like you could use some company."

She's quiet for a minute, thinking about it. And then she points over to the couch, "Have a seat. Do you want anything to drink?" Her voice trails off a bit as she disappears into the kitchen. I almost follow her, but the scenario with Lil smashes through my head and my legs cement themselves to the floor. I close my eyes and try to erase Maya's face from that scene. It's harder than I thought.

"I'd tell you to make yourself at home, but seeing as you barged in here…. I'd say you already have." She laughs and it echoes in my ears for a while… like that weird ringing sensation you get sometimes when something is too loud. I lay my head back and sigh before I remember that I haven't responded to Maya's question. "Seriously… do you want something to drink?"

When I look back at her, I'm immediately freaked out by the fact that she has no idea what's going on in my head. I close my eyes again and see myself fucking her against the kitchen sink with my hands groping her tits underneath that big ass t-shirt she's wearing. Her head is lying back against the cabinets and the noises she's making are just...

I shake myself out of it. My eyes snap open and I swallow hard. "I'll have a glass of water."

In a few minutes, she comes back with two glasses. One with clear liquid, another filled with dark, bloody red. "Anything good on right now?" She says, plopping down beside me—noticeably a good distance away considering how big this sofa is. She's staring dead ahead with her legs crossed.

We sit in silence while Maya flicks channels, sipping her drink. I'm watching her as if there's nothing else to see. Then all of a sudden, for some reason I'm like, "You look different."

She doesn't say anything at first. Doesn't turn her head to look at me… suddenly I hear her murmur, "I feel different." in this soft tone.

"Are you seeing anyone right now?" I ask and then I quickly realize how this sounds, so I add, "Like… therapy-wise?" Maya doesn't respond. She probably doesn't want to talk about this… but I'm curious. I watch her press the button a few more times and I keep talking. "A doctor or something? Or do you just stay here?"

"I just stay here." She says, before taking a few more gulps.

I try to smile and put my hand on her shoulder. "Well… you've been cooped up in this house for about a week and you probably have a lot on your mind. Tell me what you're thinking right now."

She puts the remote down, along with the cup and she pushes herself against the edge of the couch in one smooth series of motions. My hand falls all limp against the sofa cushions like it wasn't ready to be rejected so fast.

She says, "Why should I talk to you?" And for a split second I'm scared she can see the thoughts I've been having by the way she moved away so quick… but I know there's no fucking way so I relax. There's no hostility in her tone at all but her eyes say everything. They're saying, 'You fucked my best friend over. You fucked two girls over without showing any type of guilt. I know what type of boy you are.' They're looking at me like, 'Why should I trust you?'

At this point, I couldn't give anyone a straight answer to that question… but something demands that I cough one up for this girl. I feel tied up in knots on the inside. I don't know what it is about Maya that draws me in like this.

I take a deep breath and go for her glass of red… whatever, which I soon realize is wine and I take a big gulp, almost finishing it completely. I'm totally unsurprised by how startled she looks by what I've just done, but totally surprised that she's drinking wine on a weekday.

"Because you need to talk to someone… instead of drinking." I say firmly. She doesn't look convinced. "Look, I know… given your prior knowledge of me, I don't seem like a trustworthy person. I've done a lot of fucking stupid…. horrible things. But that's not a valid reason for you refuse to help yourself. I want to help."

"I guess I have to go refill my drink," she says dismissively, getting up from the couch. I swear for a second, I can see her eyes roll but she moves too quickly for me to be sure. "Do you need anything?"

I shrug and sit back again. I'm like, "I'm fine." And Maya disappears back into the kitchen. I can't lie; this passive-aggressive shit she's giving me is starting to get old fast. The idea that she's actually trying to turn me down is getting under my skin… but would I be Tommy Pickles if I start breaking a sweat over this? I'm not mad enough to let it show… but I know I have more to say, so I shout behind her. "I'm not trying to win you over, you know!"

And just like that, that something that had me cemented to the couch earlier suddenly makes me stand up and go after her this time. I march into the kitchen and she turns around to look at me, slowly putting down the bottle of Merlot like I've caught her in some act.

"Really," I say gently, making my way over to her. "I've won you over already… obviously because you want me to stay and hang out with you. The problem is you just can't figure out whether I'm worth spending time with… building a friendship with… sharing secrets with." I get sort of close to her and I can feel how nervous she is, so I fake her out by grabbing the wine from her hands and sit it on the counter. "You can trust me. Remember how I told you the night we first met that I was curious about you…? That's because when I met you, I just knew we had something in common."

I lean in like I'm about to kiss her, but instead I get close to her ear and I whisper, "We're more alike than you think."

When I move back, she's looking up at me and some sort of fucking electricity is locking our eyes together. Maya's gaze is hard and firm but I can almost see the storm of confusion brewing in her brain. There's a weird stillness in the air. Its so dead silent in the kitchen, I can hear the breaths I'm taking and that freaks me out a little bit.

After what seems like an eternity, she slowly moves away from me. I feel like a fucking loser for about a split second until she turns and grabs the Merlot, stashes it away in the cabinets, and then turns around and points me back into the living room, onto the sofa.

Then she sits beside me, a little closer this time. I fight the urge to smile.

She sighs heavily. I think she's about to start crying but she doesn't. She says, "I feel so fucking alone here."

Maya, sweetest little social butterfly I've ever met, feels lonely here in this great golden state. I take this in. It doesn't quite add up, given how awesome she's been. She didn't have any trouble fitting in, making friends… anything like that, but I don't say anything just yet.

She says, "I moved here and met you and all your friends and I was happy with that. Everything was great. And Lil and I are best friends now, clearly. So my life's not so shitty. It's just that… with Lil and I, she tells me everything but I'm not like that, I guess. I can't just tell someone everything the way she does." She goes quiet, so I put a hand on top of hers to urge her to go on. She doesn't move away or flinch. "I thought it was bad at first when stuff started happening at home… well, with my parents… because I couldn't say shit. I thought she wouldn't understand. But then, to top it off my brother started dating Angelica and Lil started seeing Carter and I just felt like the two people who would be there for me if I needed them to be were gone."

Immediately, I'm like, "Maya, you know if you ever needed someone, Chuck, Dil, and I are here for you."

She shrugs me off. "Yeah… but I haven't known Dil for very long and Chuck… I haven't seen him since that night we hung out after everything happened with me." I want to press her more about Chuck, but I decide now's not the time. She continues, "I figure everyone's busy with their own lives so I should be busy with mine but… I'm not allowed to go to school, Betty doesn't think it's safe for me to go out and be with my friends just yet. So I stay here. I haven't seen my brother in a while. I hardly see anybody."

"You just stay here and watch daytime television and drink Merlot?"

A weak smile crawls across her face when I say this. "I just stay here… watch daytime television and drink Merlot."

I try to look at the bright side of things for her. "It's only been a week," I say, "Maybe you'll be able to go to class next week."

She sits up and looks at me. "It's not just about going to class & starting my life up that bugs me. Having a week by myself to think made me realize how much it fucking sucks to close yourself up the way I do. I should have just told someone sooner and maybe I wouldn't have… you know… tried to kill myself." She stops and she looks at me with these weary eyes. "I guess I just found out how lonely I was. And now… it's just worse."

She hasn't stopped looking at me yet. We're close enough that I could lean forward and kiss her right on the lips. I want to close my eyes and lean in, but her voice stops me. "Tell me about you." She says.

This catches me off guard. "What about me…?"

She smiles and looks down at her hands, which are planted down on the sofa. "You said we were similar. Has the great Tommy Pickles ever felt alone like this before?"

Countless times.

"Of course." I say. She doesn't quite look satisfied by my answer. It isn't good enough for her, I guess. So I add, "More often than you'd think."

"Tell me." She says again.

I nod my head. "Well... here's how it goes. I have my close friends and I trust them so I tell them a lot. Mostly everything, but not… everything that goes on in my head." I pause so I can take a second to look over at her, to see if she's following and she is. She looks so into it and interested. I'm flattered.

"I'm pretty fucked up, as I'm sure you're at least a little aware. And it's not that I don't trust them, but they expect me to keep it together all the time, you know? Especially Dil. I mean, he's my little bro." I pause and suddenly feel like I need to be distracted so I won't say as much. I wonder what Chuck, Dil, and Carter are doing back at my house and reach for my cell to hit them up… then suddenly remember that I left it in the car. I really have no choice but to keep talking…. so that's what I do.

"So… I suppose I'm thankful to have Kimi in that respect… but she doesn't know me completely either. In fact… I hate to say it… but she kind of limits me when it comes to opening up. There are some things she doesn't want to know." I look at Maya again to see if any of this sounds ridiculous to her, but she hasn't given me any hint of doubt or incredulousness on her face. I continue. "Lil gave me the ways and means to push past those limits… but I guess I didn't appreciate her the way I should have… In fact… I don't appreciate anyone the way I should."

Her eyes crinkle up and she frowns a bit. This is the look I was expecting her to give me earlier. "You're selfish, you're not lonely." The way she's so blunt about this takes by surprise. My eyebrows furrow and I look at the way Maya is sinking in this big white t-shirt again, with her messy hair and her skin, looking all pale and sickly. "You have these great people in your life that you take for granted and you're just now realizing how fucked up that is because of Lil."

"You're right-." I say, leaning forward to fix her hair. I want to continue, but she isn't finished.

"You can't blame people for not wanting to hear the truth all the time. They're afraid of being hurt and disappointed because their perfect Tommy has flaws. That's what happens when we love people. We get this image of them in our heads and once we find out they're not what we expect, we get sad. We don't know what to do with ourselves. But we're still human." She stops and this time she looks at me to see if I'm listening. I am. She keeps talking.

"Lil was strong enough to accept who you really are. You knew that all along and I realize that now. I was wrong about you there… but you treated her like shit, so now it's just too fucking late." I fight the hardest urge to cringe. I want her to shut her mouth and to stop talking. I'm confused. And I'm a little bit angry. Who the fuck does this girl think she is? Every word she says feels like salt on an open wound… but for some reason I let her continue. "She's better off without you, and if you want to learn to appreciate people then I suggest you start by being happy for her. You can't just come marching into her house, expecting to fix everything now. It's over and done."

I come to my own defense even though I'm about to lie again, "I wasn't trying to-."

But she doesn't give me the chance. Maya just keeps going. "And Kimi's with Phil now and you know that. You're trying to let her be and I see that but..." She starts laughing in a sarcastic ass way that I don't like. "She's just… Kimi's doing the exact same thing to him as you did to Lil. You both think you can just play with people's emotions and feelings in this… completely selfish way. You're exactly the same. You both fucking deserve each oth-."

Out of nowhere, I grab Maya by her shirt and our lips crash together… harder than I expect, honestly. But I've heard enough from that mouth of hers.

She makes a little "Mmf!" noise, but she doesn't snatch away either, which is fine by me. I totally notice this too soon though because we go at this for like another minute… and then about as quick as it happened, it stops.

I move myself back and let go of her shirt but my eyes are still closed. I don't say anything. All of these words are swirling around my brain crazy fast like some sort of cyclone. Sheesh, I was pretty pissed off back there. Maya has some fucking nerve. I feel my skin tingling with rage for a split second… but the lingering anger that I feel dissolves away when it dawns on me that I kissed Maya McNulty for the first time. I taste the wine from her lips on mine & that makes me smile a little. I finally open my eyes and I'm like, "You really don't hold anything back, do you?"

She has this blank look on her face and I brace myself, waiting for her to erupt with anger. I picture her shooting up from the couch and screaming 'Get the fuck out' but she doesn't. She doesn't even move her hands from my chest, where they scrambled out of nowhere to hold her up.

"You don't deserve to be spoon fed a bunch of bullshit, Tommy." She says after a long while. "Nobody does. In fact, we all need to start being a little more honest. Even me."

Hearing this makes me want her more than anything.

It's weird but… the more I talk to her the more I realize that Maya has been completely right about me from day one. I am spoiled. I do get everything I want. People bend and break to my every word and need and I take advantage of that… but not her. Maya is an asshole. She judges the fuck out of me and spits the truth in my face.

This is what I hate about her. This is what I need. Her type of brutal honesty gets under my skin and it… hurts, but its effective and I want her to do it more and more. I want to kiss her again. I want to lay her across this couch and do the worst things to her but I don't. I calm down and I lay myself back against the couch. I go, "Thank you. For telling the truth."

She's about to start talking again, but this time I cut her off. "So now it's my turn." She didn't expect me to say that, I'm guessing… by the way she scrutinizes me with her gaze. I smile to myself. "I see that you're lonely… but you're a little selfish too."

"Selfish how?" She snarls, like she's so fucking shocked to hear someone describe her with this horrible word. "You don't know a goddamn thing about me."

"You're right, Maya. You're so right." I smile. I've got her trumped on this one, and although she's said some shit back there, I hope for a second that I don't strike a nerve on her the way she did to me.

I say, "Except, I do know that you've got some problems. You just told me that. And to think that you have to deal with all of this shit on your own is selfish. To be ungrateful that the DeVille's are taking care of you right now is selfish of you. And then, you come into my neighborhood, into my circle of friends— you come here and win everybody over with this fake ass happy-go-lucky bullshit… you make all of us love you and then try to off yourself." I pause for a minute and look at her. She's staring right back at me, which takes me by surprise, but I can't read her face this time. I keep talking. "…And then, when you get another chance, you pull away from everyone. All of your friends here… even strangers—everybody was waiting here with open arms. We wanted to help you. We love you. But you're too fucking selfish to know that. You're only lonely because you made yourself this way."

I wait for her to get mad the way I was. The feeling of wanting to go easy on her goes away and I sort of want her to cry, just so she knows how it feels but she doesn't. Instead, the blank look she's had on her face for entirely too damn long finally shatters and I see guilt written all over her.

I say, "The fact that you don't have the stable, supportive family that you need is taking a toll on you and you've decided to shut everybody out. Now you don't want anybody... but hey, I don't have that either! I might be rich as fuck, but I've lost a lot in these past few years. I've lost a lot of good friends, I've lost my grandfather, and then I lost my family. Do you know how often Dil and I see our parents? I don't know what I would give to have my old life back again." I stop talking for a minute. It really does hurt to not have my family around. In fact, none of us kids really have the stable household that we need and I realize that now. That might be what the problem is. For all of us. "All of this money doesn't mean a fucking thing."

I start to feel super fucking vulnerable. I know for a fact that I really have said too much this time, but Maya looks like she needed to hear this. I tilt her chin towards me with a finger. "But you're right… I'm lucky to have what I have. I'm lucky to have such… amazing fucking people in my life." Her eyes soften. I lean closer to her. My heart races when I realize that our lips are almost touching. "You need to start appreciating what you have too, Maya."

We kiss again.