AN: So basically, it's freezing outside and I have nothing better to do than to keep writing. I know I pretty much just uploaded a chapter but I really like this one so I kinda wanted you guys to read it too! (: These next ones are definitely going to answer a few questions for everyone. Enjoy!
Angelica Pickles
April 5th, 2010
The drive to Sean's is damn near silent, but it gets impossibly quieter when we see Suzie standing out on the curb. She looks a mess. When she gets into the back seat, I turn around and notice her eyes are dark and swollen like she's been crying for a good while. I wait for her to explain.
But she doesn't. She just says, "Hey, Angelica. Hey, Manny," and looks down at her hands. I'm about to lash out in irritation, but Manny turns and smiles at her.
"We're gonna go back to our place if you need to clean up and lay low," He says. "You and Angelica can talk. I'll stay out of your way." This makes Suzie smile just a little bit. In the rearview mirror, I realize it's one of those fake smiles she's known for but I smile too. I touch my fingertips to Manny's hand and look at him thankfully.
When we get there, Suzie heads off to the bathroom to clean up and change her clothes. Manny and I allow the apartment to rest in complete silence. In fact, he's in the kitchen making dinner. Did I mention he's a great cook? What the fuck have I gotten myself into, right? This guy just might be way too good for me.
I'm thinking about this and smoking a cigarette out on the balcony, just waiting for Suzie pretty much because we've got a lot of catching up to do. Suzie and I were really close friends growing up, despite being polar opposites. She was a complete sweetheart, and I wasn't. Growing up, she'd capture the teachers' hearts and I'd capture detention slips… but somehow we understood each other. I don't know how I've managed to make it the past few years without her, to be honest. And… maybe I haven't.
Suze and I still keep each other posted on what's going on in our lives, despite often not seeing each other. We call each other a lot, set aside time for a coffee date every once and awhile… but other than that, we're not as close as we were back in those days. I used to keep Suzie by my side at all times. I'm just realizing how disappointed I am by this. Perhaps things would be better if they never changed.
What a world we'd live in if nothing changed. I laugh to myself for even thinking of something so stupid when Suzie emerges from the glass doors.
We don't exchange a world before she walks straight into my open arms. I drop my cigarette on the floor of the balcony and smash it beneath my feet without a second thought to embrace her. She sobs even harder.
"Thank you so much for being here for me, Angelica," She cries into my chest.
The tone she says this in almost breaks my heart. "Suze…? Of course I'm going to be here for you. You don't have to thank me," I say, stroking her hair. I don't know what else to add to this. I feel like I should say something else, but somehow I feel as though it's already been said. We've got years and years of friendship underneath us, and that says enough. Suzie and I are closer friends than what I've realized.
Suze finally calms down after 15 more minutes of crying. While I'm holding her, Manny comes out with two plates. I remember that he's been in the apartment slaving over a stove and making dinner for the three of us, but I wave him back inside to tell him we need a few more minutes. "We'll be in soon, baby." I tell him and he nods and turns away.
"Baby?" I turn my head towards Suzie when she chuckles. She wipes away a bit of snot dripping from her nose, but I don't even mutter a word of disgust. "Wow… someone's really melted the Ice Queen. I never thought I'd see the day."
We both break out into loud laughter. I smack her with a pillow. "Shut the fuck up, Suze!"
"I'm serious! But I'm happy for you." She smiles, wholeheartedly. "You deserve someone who will treat you like you're worth something."
I know Suzie is well aware of my past dating history, but this time I'm the one who should be scolding her. It's weird to have the tables turned like this. "I could say the same to you, Miss Carmichael. What happened with daddy's intern? Your new boy toy?"
Suze looks down at her feet. "Jake? I ah… I called things off with him." I want to yell at her at first, but I figure I should wait to hear the rest before I say anything. I bite my tongue. "Sean was getting super suspicious that I was dating someone else. I didn't want anyone to get hurt… or to scare him away."
I don't say anything, but I do put my hand out in front of her. She looks confused. "What…?"
"Your phone. Can I see it for a second?"
"Angelica-."
"Give it." I command, curling and uncurling my fingers in a 'gimme' motion. "Does it look like I'm kidding?"
Suzie is quiet for a second, but she brings fourth a cellphone and I take it straight out of her grasp.
I unlock it – the code has always been her birthday. It relieves me to know that I remember. I'm really not as terrible of a friend as I feel. I read two text feeds – the ones that matter anyway. Sean and Jake's respectively.
'Is everything ok?' Jake says after Suzie declines 4 of his calls. 'What's going on?'
'I can't talk to you anymore. I'm sorry….'
'Suzie? Answer my calls we need 2 talk about this.' And then, 'Tell me what's going on… is it something i did?'
'Theres a lot going on right 1now jake… it doesn't have 2 do with you… but i don't want you 2 get involved. i'm sorry.'
Her conversation with Sean is a lot shorter.
'Hey baby… i need 2 talk with u. I'm sorry for everything. I was so bad to you and I am ready to change. I love u Suzie. I LOVE YOU. please… come over.'
And that's the end of that. I guess she just gave right in and went over. "Where the fuck is your voice, Suze?" I ask her and she looks up, wide eyed and confused.
"W- what…?"
"Where's your voice? Your options? Why didn't you just say no? You just went ahead and did whatever he said… because you were afraid of him hurting Jake if you didn't? Is that why?"
She looks off into the distance. "Sort of. But it hasn't always been like this, Angelica. You know that."
"I do know that."
She sighs, and I think she's going to start crying again but it looks like she's finished. "I don't hate Sean," she says. "I want him to change and I don't want him to be like this. I was just thinking maybe I could help."
Despite Sean's history and the plain fact that he's not worth shit, I don't snort or say "HA!"… or make any condescending noise actually. And that's because I respect Suzie's effort, now more than ever because Manny is just as willing to put this type of effort into me. But how long has it been since she's doing this? "Where's the line drawn on your end, Suze? How many times does he have to fuck up and ask for your help until you get tired of it?"
"I… I guess that's a good question." She says quietly. "When he called me tonight, he said he was having bad thoughts and that he might go out and do something terrible. I didn't know what that meant, but I rushed over there because I didn't wanna be held responsible for whatever it was-"
This gets my mind all worked up. I'm a little frustrated because Sean and I are dangerously alike and I've never known until now. We're toxic to 'helpers' like Suzie and Manny. We destroy people like them because we're not grown up enough to function on our own two feet.
I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Why do you feel so guilty, Suze? Sean's your boyfriend but that doesn't mean he's a baby. He needs to learn how to clean up his own messes. And how is he supposed to do that with you picking up for him?"
Stumped again, Suzie looks down at her empty hands. "You're right…"
I continue, "And this Jake guy… he makes you happy doesn't he?"
Suzie is quiet for a second because I know she's torn, but I see the smile on her face growing plain as day. Finally, she starts talking. "He does. Angelica, I don't know. I really love the way Jake treats me and how he makes me feel… but I've got a lot going on right now and… dragging another person into this mess isn't what I need."
I shake my head. "I keep trying to tell you, Sean's mess is not your mess. He's got some issues he needs to work out and you're perfectly aware of that. Shit, I mean… You've been aware for awhile now." I know Suzie is considering how long she's been dealing with this when I say these words because she all of a sudden looks tired. I get down onto her level and hug her again before handing back her phone. "So maybe it's time to start worrying about yourself. You deserve to be happy, Suze. Give it a try."
She looks up at the glass doors behind me and I turn too, to see Manny standing there with the two plates looking a little impatient. She laughs. "I mean… an endorsement for happiness from Angelica Pickles seems a little unlikely, but this is very convincing."
She means Manny. And she's right. I am happier. He's a lot different than the guys I've dated and been with, but it's for the better. Talking to Suzie about Sean makes me completely certain on what I need to do now, for Manny. I know I can't give up on quitting these drugs. He's so dedicated to me and if I keep letting him down, he's going to become just like Suzie. He's going to look like a fool and he's going to be heartbroken. And I know he doesn't deserve that. Neither of them do.
"It's not just convincing… it's real." I say finally, lifting her up from the lounge couch. "Now lets go eat."
