AN: So uh... hey kids! I don't know how many of you still have your eyes on this story, but I know I've been reading over it whenever I'm not hopelessly busy with work or summer. Sigh. Anyway, I really want to get back into writing. Especially writing this because all of your feedback has been fantastic and I really miss this story with all of its crazy characters. I can't promise anything constant but I'm going to try to update as much as possible. Anyway, enjoy!


Maya McNulty
April 5th, 2010

"Uhhhmf… What time is it?"

I'm immediately startled by the way the couch shifts underneath me only to realize that it's Tommy Pickles, sitting up to look at me with a big dopey smile on his face. He grins at me and pats me on the head and he says, "You're awake… finally. How was your nap, sleepy head?"

I smile and rub my eyes a little. The world swirls with dull colors for a few seconds. "It was good… how long have you been here?" When I ask this, I suddenly remember how Tommy first got here, and how he was innocently browsing Lil and Phil's family photos like it was some sort of art showcase… when he'd actually just found the spare house key under the mat and made his way inside.

I'm gonna have to remind Lil to bring it in so that Tommy can remember how to knock. He shrugs. "You were only asleep for a few hours. Lil's home, by the way."

Lil? Oh God. She probably wants to kill me. Quietly, I ask, "You saw her?" And I try not to look ashamed but I know it's gotta be radiating off of me right now. I feel like a big piece of shit. What was I thinking?

He smiles again. It's a really weird thing to see because he looks totally… calm and peaceful and like, happy. I think on it a little further and it comes to memory that at some point, Tommy had my t-shirt crinkled in his fist and that our lips were pressed together.

Holy shit. Tommy and I kissed. No, he kissed me. But I kissed back. Oh God, oh God. What the fuck was I thinking?!

"Yeah, we talked for a little…" He laughs quietly under his breath. He says other things too, but I'm too busy thinking about everything. I think how I've never been this close to Tommy Pickles in my whole life. It makes me feel weird to know that two girls that I consider to be my good friends have also been in this position once. "You know, it feels nice to have you in my arms like this," Tommy says, and it catches me way off guard.

Except, I don't feel the way Lil felt in her endeavors with Tommy. I don't feel like I'm under some spell, like she used to tell me she felt. I don't feel like the prettiest girl in the world. I feel like a confused girl in the arms of a confused boy.

And I know exactly what happened. Tommy and I were both in a bad place and we needed comforting so we comforted each other. I remember the second time Tommy kissed me, and to be honest I felt like a big weight was being lifted off my shoulders… and it wasn't because I wanted him per se. Not to say that Tommy isn't worth wanting… I just know that he's a lot of trouble. No, it wasn't attraction. It was knowing that someone understands me. It made me feel… good. Even though Tommy has always made me a little nervous, the few hours I spent talking with him made me feel comfortable at the same time.

Without thinking, I say, "Well, it feels nice to be in your arms," And the next thing I know, Tommy smiles and leans in to kiss me. It definitely catches me off guard when it happens. Luckily it's just a peck, but I say, "Whoa."

His eyebrows furrow just a bit. "Whoa what…"

I'm a bit confused myself. I go, "Just… whoa. I don't know… Should we be doing this?"

He smiles at me, but I can sense that there's bullshit getting ready to come out of his mouth. And I'm right. "Doing what? We're not doing anything."

I roll my eyes. "Ah-ah. Don't try to force-feed me that crap, Tommy. We literally just talked about this."

Suddenly I'm realizing that maybe we don't understand each other as much as I thought. "I… I don't understand." He says softly. He's truly embarrassed because he knows why I'm irritated. I can see it in his eyes.

I shake my head. "No, you know what I mean. We are doing something. We're breaking all the rules here. You're not supposed to be here with me. You're supposed to be with Kimi, or flirting with other girls. Or… I don't know. Just, you're supposed to be involved with someone else." I explain. "And I'm supposed to be… by myself, I guess. Doing my own thing."

He goes stony-faced and solemn all of a sudden and I think he's about to lash out at me, but he brushes the back of his hand against my cheek. "You're not supposed to be alone." He says softly. "Don't go isolating yourself. We talked about this too."

Normally, I wouldn't allow him to throw my own words into my face like that… but it forces a smile onto my face. I feel weird… but I just say, "You're right."

"So, why don't you want to be happy?" He asks. "I'm not saying that I can provide that to you automatically… I mean, I'm not guaranteeing you happiness, but I want to make you happy. Don't you want that?"

I look up like someone has yanked on a string attached to my head. "Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?" I spit out, to some degree of disgust that I don't mean to come out the way it does.

Tommy doesn't notice, but he flinches a bit. "G-girlfriend? No, that's not what I'm asking. I don't move that fast."

Ha. Sure, not into commitment anyway.

"So what are you asking…?" I say slowly.

He's silent for a few minutes and then he scratches his head. "I just want you to be happy, Maya. I want to help. However you need me to help, I'll do it." The tone of his voice makes me a little wary. "Seeing you after you tried to kill yourself was terrifying. I don't ever want to see anyone go through that. You looked trapped and very unhappy. No one should ever feel that way."

He's right. I do need help. And I was very trapped and unhappy up until this point… and thanks to Tommy, I know what I need to do now. I'm happy that he was here for me, but at the same time I do know what he's asking for.

He doesn't want me to be his girlfriend… but he is asking me to be here. Without saying, he's trying to bait me into weaving myself a web of some imaginary connection. Something other than friendship. He wants me to think that I'm special so that I'll be here when he comes back into my corner. He wants me to reserve myself for the next time he wants me.

I sigh and close my eyes, but my lips turn themselves into a smile. "Hey… Tommy, you're great. You're a really good friend." I wrap my arms around him in a hug for a minute or so, and when I pull back, I bring him to his feet. "I think you should go now."

"So …what does this mean?" He asks quietly. He's looking pretty defeated right now but I ignore it.

"It means exactly what you think it means." I shrug, guiding him to the door.

Just before he lets himself out, he turns around just fast enough that I think he's coming in for another kiss so I step back. One of his eyebrows raises just slightly at me. Without asking any questions, he just says, "I'm having my Spring Break party next weekend… you and Lil should both come. Invite Phil too." He turns just slightly and I see a small smirk on his face. "I'll see you there." And then he shuts the door quietly behind him.