It's a miracle! I finally updated! But totally not on my own lol. I would like to think Sascake for beta-ing this and convincing me to not publish this as one giant chunk and also motivate me to continue. Also another big thanks to DenNysgerrige because without em I wouldn't have even considered to start this fic/rp back up again. Your my bff man! ; - ; I will keep updating this. I'm sorry for taking so long. Life gave me lemons and it took me several months to figure out how to make lemonade.
It wasn't like Mathias wasn't searching for a job. Yes, his arms were healed and he had went at the hospital a week or more ago to have his stitches removed, making his arms all newly functional, but he couldn't find anything. Or, well, that was what he kept telling himself. He was mind blocked. He simply couldn't believe he had to lower himself to such basic work, or to contract and not being able to work as a normal carpenter or a real building site for a long moment like he used to do with his father; but having a father who was one of the best known carpenters in Copenhagen against him made all his chances of future jobs pretty hard to find.
And knowing Niels was always late back from work and coming back always smelling weird or acting weird was making the Dane very depressed. He was starting to wonder if his lover wasn't hiding him something.
And yet, he was too.
Weeks ago, he had come back across Anne, his ex-girlfriend, and they had exchanged their cell phone numbers. With time it was like they still wanted to keep tracks of the other. Mathias had really thought she would have found someone else by the time she had left him, but apparently she hadn't. She had waited for news from him, which he never gave since he thought she would try to forget him.
But speaking about their past relationship was always something very sensitive and they usually avoided doing so.
On days Niels was working, sometimes, instead of searching for a job, Mathias would go to Anne's and hang out with her. He was rediscovering her, and she seemed to be really pleased with the new Mathias she spoke with. But the Dane didn't want their relation to go further than… this. Every time he felt really bad whenever their discussions would go to the point where they were wondering why they had broke up, or about how fun it would be if they were still together and things like that, Niels would pop in his head and he would try to change the subject.
He was too attached to Niels to leave him, no less think about cheating him.
And sometimes, actions would take over words. Simple actions such as brushing hands on each other or sensual looks lighting fires in each other's bodies…
But Mathias always backed up- he never told his reasons, though. He thought it might scare the woman that the Dane was actually in a gay relationship with an ex-prostitute and cocaine addict. And yet, each times he wasn't so sure about the ex part, but kept himself blinded.
Though, back home, he could feel Niels press on him each time. However he came back home, either drunk; horny; really pissed; or very rarely normal, he would slip some sarcastic crack at the Dane, telling him how pissed he was about him not having a job yet. Oh, he wasn't saying it like that, but as oblivious as Mathias was, this he could feel and it made him all the more depressed, but he tried to not show it.
Mathias felt like a failure in their couple, a failure in everything; he wasn't able to find a job, to keep a job, to study, to become someone, to keep his family, to keep his lover safe, to protect him and give him the love he needed…
And one day, he simply took some of Niels' money he had left on the counter for whatever he wanted to do with it and went down town to get himself again a twenty-four pack of cheap beer. Niels was working anyway, so whatever… Mathias really needed it. He was feeling like breaking from everywhere while downing beer after beer. Oh God, it was good… the beer tasted like shit, but he had needed this effect for so long… he should have done this long ago, but he didn't want to piss Niels. He already thought of him as a drunkard… he knew it.
Xxx
When Niels came home, he was thinking of finding his stash and enjoying himself that night. With the money he now had, Niels had taken up reading, something he hadn't done since he was in his school years. But because of his late shifts, he could only really manage reading and staying up with a little help. It was almost his routine to be high after work. Hell, a few times Thomas smoked his pot and Niels did his thing as they waited for the bus, though most of the time it was just Niels doing drugs while they waited.
So when he came back, Niels hadn't been ready to see the house covered in beer cans. Grimacing, Niels moved from the living room to the bed room that had the only furniture in the house, the bed. Sprawled out on top of it was a very drunken Mathias, just staring at the ceiling. Trying to keep things light between them, Niels asked, "Why is it you never save any for me?" smoothly before walking over and kissing him on the lips. The man's lips weren't very responsive and sluggish. Mathias drunkenness was almost proven in the kiss. "At least I can taste the beer on your lips." Niels scoffed at his own joke before tossing his things in the corner.
He knew that if Mathias was mad at him, he would follow Niels to the kitchen. Well, if he still could, but until Mathias went to sleep, Niels would not be taking his cocaine. Instead he made himself a sandwich will asking loudly, "What the matter?"
Might as well let Mathias get it all out.
Xxx
It took endless seconds for Mathias to notice Niels was around, and even more time for him to push himself up and stumble his way to the kitchen by holding himself on the waving walls. He really felt like spreading his stomach all over the place- everything was so fuzzy around it made his heart pound in his head. Though Niels wanted to know… well, he would know.
Finally reaching the counter after leaving the wall, he stumbled in his own feet and held himself on the counter, giving the Norwegian a desperate look. "I-I failed babe," he whined, finally dropping himself on the floor. He felt miserable. He was disgusted of his own self. Though, being so drunk, he wouldn't remember the next day and it was for the best.
"Ye hate me, I know!" he spat, slipping on his back on the floor, trying to calm his dizziness by taking a deep breath in. "I-I can't find a j-job, I'm sucha waste… Worth nothin'… Can't even go t'school and succeed t'have a good future together with ye and yer big brain… I'm nothin' compared t'ye, I'm not worth yer attention… I fail at lovin' ye prop-perly…" he slowly said, trying to pull himself back up and only felt back, laughing. "Can't even stand like a man, I'm sucha worm…"
Finally dragging himself back lean on the counter, he tried to look back at the Norwegian but couldn't really see him.
"I'm sorry…" he whispered, "I'm so sorry… I know ye don't love me… ye always come back late and have yer fun outside without me… I believe ye now when ye said I was nothin' t'ye…" he bitterly said. His heart was aching. Saying all those things without filter was really painful and against his will, he didn't notice his eyes were leaking. He didn't feel them; he didn't feel anything to be honest. He could have broken his leg he wouldn't feel it; he was so numbed by the alcohol.
Xxx
To say the least, Niels was surprised to hear Mathias spat out how worthless he was and how much Niels didn't love him. Placing his sandwich on the counter he joined Mathias on the floor and grabbed the man. For a long moment he sat there thinking on what to say to make Mathias feel better. It wasn't helping that the man kept babbling the same things over and over. Niels could just leave the man and Mathias would never remember- Mathias never remembered things after drinking himself like this, or at least that's how the past two times had gone.
But despite Niels' cold exterior, he wasn't a cruel person. Smoothing his hair and trying to wipe away some of his tears he tried to give him the warmest smile he could, though it came out strangle and felt stiff. Niels just wasn't the type. "Shh... stop this, Mathias," he said, as smoothly as he could. "I've never thought you worthless." Dear Lord, Niels didn't know what to say and how far to go. He felt so uncomfortable out of his element.
"You don't really think that do you, babe?" God what was he supposed to say? 'I love you?' Niels grimaced at the thought. Niels never really loved anyone than himself besides Eirik. Swallowing his pride, Niels started, "After I get paid we'll go out and do something together. I'd loved to do something with you." Hh God, the sweetness of his words- they came out strained and wrong. Thank goodness Mathias was drunk, because even Niels could hear how faked his sweetness was.
Xxx
But Mathias' ears were so swollen that he couldn't ear anything or what Niels was saying. His eyes kept dripping tears and he began to feel his cage constrict painfully as hysterical hiccoughs caught him. Damn, he felt like dying.
"Yes I am," he said, trembling as he clumsily grabbed the other man's shirt and desperately clenched his fingers into its fabric. "I-I didn't support ye enough when ye needed it, I thought 'bout my own problems… damn Niels, I'm not even able to keep my own family, how d'ye think I can keep ye?"
Frowning and trying to swallow his tears, Mathias loudly sighed and dropped his head backward, loudly hitting it on the counter wall without feeling it.
"I'm sorry babe, I'm not used of all this," he whispered, "all the gay relationship and stuff… ye're not a woman and I treat ye like one… I love ye babe… I love ye…"
And though Mathias was trying to fight sleep, it was catching him up fast.
Xxx
Rolling his eyes at the sudden knocking himself out, Niels stood up and began to do his best and carry the dead weight back to the bedroom. Before he could toss Mathias' body on the bed, he had to kick a few cans off the bed. Everything was a big stye and Niels wanted to throttle Mathias. Unceremoniously, he tossed the Dane on the bed and left him there for the moment.
So Mathias loved him, huh? Niels had to think on the man's words and he wasn't sure if he should take them literally or not. Things were going fine between them, or at least he had thought. Having Mathias reveal what he thought made Niels feel guilty. Mathias compared to Niels was a good man and boyfriend. Who cared if Mathias had a slight tendency to treat Niels like a woman? It gave Niels an opportunity to send him a sly remark. But did Mathias love him? Probably, but Niels hardly knew if he did or not.
Opening Eirik's urn, he retrieved his cocaine and snorted a long line. His worries over Mathias began to clear, but not fully disappear. Niels knew that he would have to take Mathias out one night, get stupid drunk together, have sloppy sex at home and things would be good. So, opening up his phone, he cancelled his plans with Gilbert, asking if they could move it to the following day. The German was an odd client and treated Niels more like a fuck buddy than a prostitute, so he wasn't expecting a negative answer.
Grabbing his sandwich, he ate quickly before going to bed with his book. During the night as Niels read, Mathias sobered up enough that his body sleepily curled himself around him. Niels didn't mind and liked the warmth of the other man. Before the sun came up, Niels turned off his lamp and positioned Mathias so he woke up at least filling slightly loved, even though Niels knew the only thing Mathias would be filling was pain.
Xxx
The next day, Mathias was feeling like a train had crashed on him, followed by a plane, then a space station. He felt dead a hundred times. The second he peered one eye opened, the little glint of light coming from life hit him right in the brain, sending him whimpering in pain.
Oh that fucking headache.
It took him one more hour before he could push himself up and stumble to the bathroom to, first, vomit, and second, take a huge piss. He drank gallons of water and waited a bit longer on the closed toilet bowl to make his headache disappear a bit, then took a ton of pain killers and stepped in the shower.
He had no idea of what had happened the last night, but he did really hope nothing bad had happened… he hoped he hadn't been harsh on Niels if the man had been there while he was trashed out.
But sadly, the problem with drugs and alcohol was that it would never erase the pain. Only momently.
Stepping back into the bedroom two hours later, Niels was still sleeping and Mathias sneaked into the bed to snuggle the man. It was still a bit early; he had no idea when the man had gone to bed, but well… the Dane lovingly kissed the sleeping Norwegian's neck and nude shoulder; just enough so he would wake up but still be limp and sleepy.
"I'll find a job babe, I swear…" Mathias whispered into the man's ear, kissing the lobe. He had no idea about the man's plans, but the Dane did really want to make things better between them. There was a big tension that was mainly caused by Mathias misunderstanding of the situation, and he wanted to fix it.
"I'll help ye with money and we'll get back on track…"
Xxx
Mathias light kissing stirred Niels only for a moment where he could hear Mathias' words, but sleep would drag him back under before his brain could even fully process them. Opening his eyes for a second, Niels mumbled something, and he wasn't even sure if they were words before curling up around Mathias. He was so tired and was having a bad after effect. His body just wanted to sleep and sleep and with it being his day off, Niels felt so inclined to do so.
Whatever Mathias was saying, Niels was just happy to hear his voice, even if he were fully awake he would have told Mathias to stop being so depressing. Niels knew that Mathias was giving job searching his all. Why the man insisted on thinking he was a failure was beyond Niels. Simply put, Niels thought that Mathias was a good man that just didn't know it.
Falling fast asleep once more, Niels slept the remaining morning away. When he woke, Mathias wasn't around, reading his phone he only had a text from Gilbert saying he was fine. Automatically Niels assumed Mathias was out looking for a job.
Xxx
Mathias was almost ready to go back to his father and plead him to give him a second chance only to have his carpentry papers back. It would be a thousand times easier to find a job than only searching for it. He went to knock at carpentry sites, but they were either full of employees or would propose him some very underpaying job, even lower than an apprentice. Mathias was almost ready to accept an apprentice job.
Yet again, while wandering around town, he came across Anne and they talked. It was like they always had something to say, either about the past, their respective lives, their studies, anything. At least with her Mathias could have a real conversation, and that's where he noticed he never really had one with Niels. He used to speak with his brother though, about anything. The boy was bright and had many ideas running in his head. Maybe the older brother was only too shy or something… but he had problems thinking so when he would see him come back and reclaim his fuck right away.
In was in these moments that he would like to have a girl to speak with and simply have her give her opinion. God, why was he so gay all of a sudden? When he used to think that going out with a girl was complicated… guys didn't know what they were talking about if they had never dated an ex prostitute and cocaine addict.
The woman finally invited him for a beer at her apartment, which he blindly accepted. All the time on the way there she kept brushing her fingers on the man's hand and finally caught them. Mathias didn't pull back. In fact, his heart was beating like a first time rendez-vous, and he automatically felt like cheating Niels. But well, they were just holding hands, right?
At the woman's apartment, they spoke and drank one and two and three beers until they were both warm enough to drop their defence. Anne took advantage of that moment to sneak closer to the Dane and wrap her arms around his neck to have their drunken breath brushing on each other's face. The only thing Mathias had in mind at the moment was Niels. NielsNielsNielsNielsNielsNie―OH SHIT, FUCK!
They kissed. Sloppily, their tongues met and danced with each other with a strong beer taste.
After a moment, Mathias broke the kiss and pulled back, feeling ill. What was he doing for God's sake?
"Sorry… I gotta go… it's nothin' against ye…" he excused and fled. On his way back home, he noticed how dark it had become outside. How long had he stayed out? He didn't even look at his cell phone to see if Niels had texted him. He couldn't.
Damn, he had just cheated on Niels… at least, if he hadn't appreciated… but it wasn't the case. His body had even hoped for more of the woman since he had left with a boner. Fuck! On his way back home, he tried to calm himself down. He didn't want Niels to know: unlike him, his life was written on his face all the time. He didn't want to look guilty, he didn't want to look embarrassed, he didn't want to look like a fucking cheater…
Xxx
After reading for several hours, Niels' eyes began to hurt. It was only then that he decided to pause and take note of how late it was getting. Flipping open his phone, Niels noticed that he hadn't received a single message from Mathias. Frowning, Niels tried to ignore that fact. Surely Mathias had not been out looking for a job the whole time? That meant he was out somewhere and he hadn't bothered to leave Niels a message. Every time Niels went out he always informed the Dane, and the man couldn't even give Niels the same courtesy.
Closing his book, Niels tried to not get mad. He would simply ask where Mathias had been the whole time, but that's not how things worked. A strong jealousy nagged at him in the back of his mind. To be honest, besides Niels' once a week tussle with Gilbert, he had thought that things were going smoothly. Last night he perceived as Mathias being worried that Niels thought he was worthless because he didn't have a job. But being out late and not telling Niels made the alarms go off. Things were probably falling apart and Niels hadn't the time to notice.
It was scary to think that the only person he had let in could very well be heading out the door.
Xxx
Mathias hesitated in front of their apartment door for several minutes, not daring to show his ugly face to the Norwegian. He felt so twisted. He could simply be a jerk and leave to never come back. It could be easily done and like this he could simply erase Niels of his life, come back with Anne and go back to his parents to show them he had taken back the right track, and they would welcome him with open arms right after he would have gone to confess at the church. Yes, he could do that.
But he wouldn't.
Niels meant more for him than all of this. It was stupid, he knew- they didn't know each other that well, they hadn't spoken with each other that much, but after money problems, Eirik's death and all what they had lived together, Mathias couldn't abandon the man like this without at least trying to make him go back on a straight track. In his mind, Niels was already on this track, but he simply wanted him to stay on it. But Mathias simply didn't know.
The Dane rapidly smelled his clothes to be sure the scent of beer was stronger on him than Anne's perfume and he wiped his mouth to see if he had lipstick or something. Okay…
"Niels?" he said as he stepped in, kicking off his boots.
Xxx
Coming out of the bedroom, Niels tried to keep his face neutral. Seeing Mathias there with a hint of looking guilty made him grit his teeth. "Where were you?" Niels asked solemnly, even though he knew Mathias would just lie. If Mathias answered with 'I was looking for a job', Niels didn't know how he would react. The whole idea of going out and having fun with Mathias had evaporated, even though it wasn't too late.
Crossing his arms, Niels stared and waited.
Xxx
Damn, that's when Mathias thought he should have found an excuse instead of feeling guilty and all. Though he really didn't like to, he removed his coat and half-lied, "Went to a friend's…"
He couldn't find more to say without being discovered. He felt judged, which Niels had all the rights for. Sighing, Mathias rubbed his face with his hands and said in a muffled voice, "I'm sorry, I should have called ye or somethin'…" Sure, Niels would always text him whenever he planned to come back late from work. He really did feel a bit bad for being so late, but it wasn't his principal worry and guilt source. Each time his ex-girlfriend's face passed into his mind, he could feel his stomach twist and he felt sweaty.
He didn't move away from the door, fearing Niels would be close enough to smell the girl on him.
Xxx
Still sensing something wasn't being told, Niels slung his bag on his back. It didn't help that Mathias looked infinitely guilty. The man shouldn't even attempt to lie; he was a terrible liar. Knowing that Mathias was lying about something made a boiling rage settle into his stomach. "Whatever. I just figured, since it was my day off, you would like to have done something with me tonight. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going out." coldly he brushed past Mathias closing the door a little louder than needed.
Niels had planned on going out drinking with Mathias, and now he simply didn't feel like doing anything with him. Stopping at the top of the stairs, Niels sat on the steps. He really doubted that Mathias would come chasing after him. Right now he was probably blubbering over his cold actions, or already looking for the money to buy beer he wouldn't find. They were on the edge with money and his job could not support both of their addictions. Niels could go down there and hug him and said he was just mad, but his gut said there was something going on. Where had Mathias gone? And why did he felt so irritated and angry?
Slipping out his phone, he texted Thomas. Usually he didn't bother the man, only liking him in the doses that work inflicted on him. But he needed a drinking buddy and Thomas felt like the type. 'Wanna go out drinking or something? I'm bored.' Niels tried to make it sound like nothing was going on, but he was sure that Thomas would sense something and then rudely rub the sore spot.
Xxx
It didn't help the guilty feeling Mathias had inside of him, and all he did was drag himself into the bedroom and fall on the bed. He already knew he wouldn't find money anywhere to go buy himself more beer and drown his worries for the night. He was already a little warm, but it didn't erase anything; all the thoughts were still running in his mind and slapping him right in the face. Night would be long without with holy drink.
Thomas was home cleaning his oven after having made dinner when he receive a test from Niels. Raising an eyebrow at the sudden proposition, it could only mean one thing.
'You're mad at your babe, huh? I'm in,' he texted him back, giving him a rendezvous point at the closest bar and he put his phone back in his pocket before finishing what he was doing and putting on his coat to meet the Norwegian at the bar.
Xxx
Niels arrived at the bar before Thomas and had a chance to warm himself up on a few beers. Of course Thomas would know... hopefully he would be sensible enough to not ask Niels about it. Sinking his third mug, Niels began to think about how wrong his life had gone. It wasn't fair he had crappy parents, it wasn't fair that he had to play the parent with Eirik, it wasn't fair on all of the sacrifices he made, on and on he could list. Obligation led him onto a rocky road, one that he felt he would never get off of. Now he was with a guy that was hiding something from him?
It was so obvious to Niels how unhappy Mathias was about being with him. The guilt of being gay and pissing of his family could be felt with every decision Mathias made. It almost made Niels sick. No, Niels found himself not caring. Not in the cold detached way. If Niels were to do the right thing for once in his life, he'd tell Mathias to go home and move on. But he needed to latch onto someone to be able to breathe properly. So he wouldn't and would allow them both to feel like shit.
He ordered another beer just as he saw Thomas enter through the door.
Xxx
When Thomas stepped in, he rapidly spotted the Norwegian sat at the bar with a beer mug and sat next to him. He also ordered a beer and took a sip while giving the other male a corner mocking look, "Got problems with your boyfriend, uh?" he asked, curious. He really was. He didn't want to help the man or anything, it was only his curious side speaking; all those stories were entertaining him.
"Got a bad fuck?" he joked, removing his coat to sit on it and rolled his sleeves, "You can tell me you know? I love those stories…" he said in a very detached way, looking straight in front of him as he brought his mug to his lips.
Xxx
"I'm dating an idiot." was all Niels managed to say at first. He wasn't so sure if Thomas was being truthful and didn't feel like starting only to have the man scold him. Oh, he knew that Thomas would more than likely hold this over his head a tease him mercifully, but at least it would be off his chest and Niels could just roll his eyes. So when he saw Thomas motion for him to continue, Niels sat down his mug and began.
"His parents are narrowed minded and they caught him and I in the action. Ever since then he's been more distant than ever. I know he's asks himself if he should give me up and appease his family. Doesn't help the fact he goes and gets drunk and cries over how he's worthless and other mindless crap." Niels took a long drink. "But he is worthless. He is the one who dragged me here. Granted I didn't have much of a choice. But..." Sometimes Niels wished he would have stayed. Who cares if his life was in danger, but all of his good memories had been in that small apartment. Even though Niels led a pretty crappy life in Norway, it only marginally improved. Now he had a weepy man to look after.
At least Eirik had been quiet and reasonable. But in both scenarios Eirik wouldn't be here now.
Xxx
Thomas didn't really care about this all, but Niels really sounded like a spoiled brat crying over the wrong model of sport car his rich parents would have bought him for his birthday, "… but you're the one doing things behind his back," he completed the man's sentence even if he didn't plan on ending it like this. He sipped on his mug and slightly chuckled. "Sounds like a confused man to me," he said, putting his beer down.
"Why do you stay with him if he is that idiot?" he asked, looking at Niels by the corner of the eye, "No one forces you to stay… on the last news, you're the one making money."
Xxx
Niels froze when he heard Thomas mention his business with Gilbert. Disgusted he pushed the mug away from him. That's right... Niels didn't have room to be mad. "It's complicated..." was all he wanted to say on the matter. Feeling the warmth of the beer he had already drank didn't even loosen Niels' lips. Something he wanted to keep to himself. Waving over the bar tender he ordered himself something strong that burned all the way down.
"I call him an idiot because he is one, but it doesn't mean I mind. I'm just stating the obvious. He's the one who wants to leave, not me. I on the other hand..." Niels stopped himself. There was no way he was going to tell Thomas how dependent Niels was on Mathias emotionally. Not this night.
Xxx
This whole story was too complicated for nothing. All of what Thomas could understand was that on one side there was a Dane who wanted to give too much despite being very confused about his own sexual situation and on the other side was a selfish Norwegian who was expecting too much of a man who didn't even know what to do. He sure had a his own party in the situation since, in a way, Niels' boyfriend looked a lot less gay than his co-worker…
It was a very stupid reason, but still. He didn't know the man at all, but Thomas was not retarded; he knew that having sex with other people for money and using that said money to buy coke was basically not a good thing to do, ESPECIALLY when the said person had a boyfriend that didn't know anything about that.
Though, it didn't change his opinion about his co-worker.
"If he were to leave you," Thomas began, taking note of the man's unfinished sentence, "what would you do?" he asked, downing his beer and requesting another one while giving a stern detached look at his drinking partner.
Xxx
Niels didn't have to think on it long. Giving Thomas a very cool and dark look, Niels smile broadly, "I'd go back to Norway and kill someone." he tossed another drink down his throat thinking of seeing Berwald smeared with his own blood. It was an appealing image to Niels and his hands itched to do the act. But as long as Mathias was there with him, Niels knew he couldn't just toss his future away.
Standing, Niels said sternly, "Don't even bother asking who and why, I won't tell." His legs felt a bit wobbly from the alcohol. "Let's play pool. I came to drink and have fun, not think about Mathias and other meaningless things."
Xxx
This statement made him giggle. Kill someone? What a funny drunken idea. He didn't take the man seriously one bit. He didn't know his story either, and just as much as Niels didn't want to tell him, he didn't want to know. Not yet. It wasn't serious enough for him now.
"As ye wish, babe," the Dutch said, mimicking his partner's boyfriend as he lifted his new mug in a mocking way. And they played whatever drunken game Niels wanted to play. The more they drank, the more they laughed and let loose their drunken imagination, making plans and stories about unthinkable stuff, stuff they would rapidly forget about since alcohol had taken control of their bodies.
Midnight was far past when they stumbled out of the bar, laughing like they had seen the best comic show ever. Thomas didn't have any more control on his body and he would sure not remember that night the next day- granted, his body knew where he lived.
"H-hope you'll have another fight with your gay boyfriend," he mumbled with a mocking smirk as they walked to the bus stop, "for we do this again…"
Xxx
Niels tried to agree, but his mind was too fogged and his stomach wanted chuck out all the sloshing alcohol. "Ya... we'll... do this after work or somethin'." Niels finally got out as he waited on the bench. "Screw that faggot boyfriend of mine. W-We'll do this when we wan'!" he pledged happily just before his bus arrived.
Crawling up the steep stairs, Niels collapsed in the empty front seat. He didn't even make it all the way home before puking all over the place. The result was Niels being tossed off and having to walk the rest of the way. By the time he reached home, his head was pounding, his mouth was dry and disgusting, and the sun was appearing above the horizon.
Though he was mostly sober, Niels didn't even bother going into their bed room to sleep. Instead, he found a few beer cans threw out the house that Mathias hadn't managed to drink the other night and downed them all before collapsing on the floor.
Xxx
Mathias had passed a long and restless night alone. He had kept himself worried over Niels , who hadn't come back until early in the morning when the Dane had finally found some sleep. He feared he had been out to cheat on him- damn that shit of a life! How could things have come this bad to Mathias lately? He was feeling like the world was crashing on him for whatever he had done in the past, and yet, he was never looking back…
He woke up in panic around noon. Not a second of his night had helped him get over his guilt, and he had kept his mind occupied with bad dreams and thoughts. The first thing he noticed was the lack of Niels curled in his arms and that made his heart beat loud and fast. Where was he?! He jumped to his feet and rapidly exited the room, looking in the kitchen before stopping at the sight of the Norwegian. Mathias felt dizzy for having stood so fast in the morning and leaned on the wall, staring down at his boyfriend sleeping on the floor.
For a change, Mathias had been so nervous the last night he hadn't removed his clothes before sleeping, and that was certainly one of the many reasons his night had felt like shit. Though, after calming himself down, he silently sighed and bent to grab Niels and lifted him up off the floor to take him into the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet bowl with the man limply in his arms, he ran a hot bath and waited for it to be filled before undressing the half sleeping male along with himself and steped in the tiny bath with Niels' sleepy form in his arms.
He didn't say anything. He knew Niels had drunk a lot last night and yes, he felt deeply wounded by this fact, but he supposed it was only worth it for what he had done. And for all the times he had been surprised deadly drunk by his boyfriend… anyway. He was mad, he was hurt, but Niels was sleeping anyway and he didn't want to make things even worse than they actually were…
He simply cuddled, caressed and kissed Niels' sleeping body while they were both into a hot bath, trying to relax and get the Norwegian's hangover or whatever it was out of him… especially the scent of beer and vomit.
Xxx
Waking slowly, Niels didn't even feel the warm water around him: just the urge to puke. Sitting up rapidly, Niels leaned himself over the side of the tub and spilled everything out. Only once he was done and had his head laying on the side of the tub did he realize that his body was warm and wet with another man's hand rubbing soothing motions. Looking over his shoulder, the sight of Mathias looking terrible and tired threw Niels' teary eyes.
Slowly, he settled himself back in Mathias' arms and wrapped himself around the man as he felt his head pounding . It was odd to wake in a bath tub, but it was soothing to feel the warm water and Mathias' body against him. Sometimes, he forgot how good it was to just lay his head on the man's solid chest.
But last night hung between them like a barrier. Niels wasn't sure if he should say something, but he was sure that he didn't want to hear Mathias say how sorry he was. Without a doubt, this would happen if Niels didn't intervene first.
Hugging the man tighter, he whispered, "Sorry. Shouldn't have reacted like that." Niels couldn't possibly muster any more with his head hurting so much.
Xxx
Mathias kept up his smoothing strokes on his lover's back while hugging him tighter. He felt happy to hear the man's apologises… it was like a big weight was removed of his shoulders. "It's alright," he whispered into Niels' ear and kissed his cheek. Damn, what a mess he had done just there… Mathias would have to clean this before allowing the Norwegian to step out of the tub.
The Dane kept taking water in his palm and drop it on the other male's back, covering him in a warm layer of water and continued until he reached his head. He supposed he had a strong headache, and warm water running on his scalp would very certainly do him good.
"Ye have right to yer own personal pleasure and I often forget it…" he lowly said, closing his eyes out of complete exhaustion. Though, the more Mathias thought about it, the more he realise that just like during sex, pleasure was almost only given one-sided. Mathias was acting like the okay boyfriend, the guy who forced himself to give his boyfriend pleasure either by allowing him to come back very late from work or, during sex, caressing him and touching him in the way he loved the most. On the other side, Niels wouldn't do anything. Yes, he would act horny, yes, he would make the first move, but it was always in a way to please his own selfish self.
But Mathias stubbornly shooed away the dark thoughts and kissed Niels' temple.
Xxx
Niels wasn't thinking about anything besides the massaging fingers running over his scalp as Mathias worked shampoo into his wet hair. He was extremely pleased that Mathias hadn't gone off and apologized, or they didn't get in a fight- everything appeared to be fine once again, except the fact that Niels had arranged to be with Gilbert that night. Nothing about his body was looking forward to that. Niels wanted to stay numb in hot water and having Mathias treat him like a king.
But eventually the water turned cold, and Mathias motioned Niels to sit up so he could clean up the vomit. Niels protested lightly, saying he could do it, but his head didn't feel like being bent downwards in the slightest. The slight movements of sitting up and then back down almost made him up chuck up once more. Emotionless, Niels watched Mathias wipe up the mess, even rubbing the area down with disinfectant.
As he watched the man work, it occurred to Niels that he didn't know a whole lot about Mathias. Such as what was his favorite food was, or color, or even what year he graduated school. Weak from his hangover and exhaustion, Niels asked, "When is your birthday? I don't think you ever told me." Did Mathias even know his? Feeling sick again, Niels stood from the bath and pushed Mathias out of the way before puking once again, only this time in the toilet.
Xxx
The same realisation hit Mathias at the same time Niels emptied himself in the toilet. He had already realised it weeks ago… ages ago in fact, but each time, he would simply tell himself it wasn't so important and that they didn't truly need to know those thing. But to not even know his birth date… and what else? Mathias wasn't that type of guy to talk about himself in the first place, and especially not about his past. But he liked to know about other people's.
Though, he didn't take time to think about all of this as he rapidly filled a glass of water, kneeling next to a puking Norwegian and waiting for him to finish. Once done, he gave him the glass to rinse his mouth and drink. He was very dehydrated now, and his body was very certainly reclaiming water to expulse all the toxic alcohol off his body.
He chuckled, looking at a very trashed Niels and kissing his sweaty forehead.
"If ye want, we can only… speak. Whenever ye feel fine for it," he said, smiling at the man. Even Mathias didn't feel like having that big of a conversation with Niels at the moment. He only dreamed of a comfortable sleep.
"I… certainly precipitated thin's between us…" he admitted. He had been so eager to have an actual boyfriend that he had made Niels promise that they would be dating the moment his financial problems would be over… and yet, they didn't even know that much each other.
"But that doesn't mean I don't feel anythin' for ye…"
Xxx
Still keeping his head in the toilet bowl, Niels reached for Mathias' hand and squeezed. Honestly, Niels didn't doubt that Mathias felt something for him. If he hadn't, they would simply not have been together now and Niels would surely still be in Norway. "I think we really did move fast... With Eirik's death and all.."
Sitting briefly, Niels transferred his head into Mathias' lap and curled into it. He really wished he didn't feel like shit, since then he would take the time to be a good person for once and asked all about Mathias. But he didn't feel well, and wanted to only go back to sleep. "Let's do this later.."
But later, Niels knew that he would most likely be high and riding Gilbert on his weekly visit. Mathias didn't need to know that his boyfriend was going to get up and leave with some lie to go visit some rich German across town. If Mathias wanted to know more about Niels, then Mathias would simply have to ask and remind him. "God get me to bed." Niels groaned, before Mathias picked him up bridal style and hauled him back to bed.
Niels never fully went back to sleep and just lay snuggled into Mathias, inhaling the scent of his deodorant and soap. The scent was one of the many reasons why Niels decided to turn to guys in the first place. Content, Niels rubbed Mathias' stomach lightly.
Xxx
Right there, knowing Niels was safely curled right next to him and soothingly stroking his stomach, he could fall asleep- indeed, he slept for hours. Damn, he had been so exhausted… he was glad they had at least agreed on something, that they didn't know each other enough, which had ironically made Mathias a little bit less depressed.
Sure, they didn't know all that much, but Mathias was more than willing to discover Niels in a way that wasn't sexual for a change, and he seemed to feel the same.
Everything about their couple life had turned around sex, and yet it wasn't surprising with a former prostitute. The first that had been attracted to the other had been Niels, though it had been for money. And the Dane had automatically been attracted by the Norwegian's emanated sexuality, and very certainly, to try to win him, he had used the little money he had to get his attention…
And all of that had brought them here. Nothing was perfect… but Mathias was confident. Either they would learn to know each other and truly fall in love of simply part, one day… or not, and simply be there with each other, neither loving nor hating each other and simply be fuck buddies. Mathias didn't wish for that. He didn't know if he loved Niels, but he very certainly liked him and wore deep affection for him.
Xxx
When Niels woke, he shook Mathias awake as well. His stomach was grumbling and his head had a hollow feeling. Dragging them both into the shower, he told Mathias that they would go out to dinner, largely due to the fact that Niels didn't want to cook and he didn't want to wait for Mathias to cook instead. Besides... Niels would be seeing Gilbert and could easily wheedle out enough money out of the German to cover this cost.
After returning, Niels lied and said he had a birthday party to attend for his boss. Mathias wasn't to come because Niels wasn't sure if anyone outside of work could. With that lie, Niels snuck off to Gilbert's. Niels wished he had told Mathias that lie ahead of time so it didn't seem so unnatural, but after their fight, Niels was sort of looking forward to sleeping with Gilbert. It was strictly business sex, no strings attached besides money. There were no complicated feelings to consider, no need for foreplay so neither partner couldn't sulk about the lack of diligence in their sex life. No, it was just raw sex, the kind Niels liked the most.
Despite this, there was still a deep regret in his chest.
Xxx
Mathias almost felt betrayed by Niels# sudden departure again. Things were going smoothly for once, yet their dinner had been quick and the other male hadn't even care to come back home with the Dane before leaving for his boss's birthday party… Saying Mathias thought the Norwegian had been willing to speak and such… doing fucking girly stuff, he knew, but worthy stuff to save their relationship from falling apart!
They were not made of the same clay, it was pretty obvious.
Mathias felt so betrayed as he kept poisoning his mind that he texted his ex-girlfriend to expulse his steam a bit. She seemed reassured to see the Dane hadn't pushed her out of his life after the kiss they had shared, and they settled a meeting point in a park for a walk and a talk. But he kept it short; he didn't want Niels to come back before him.
As much as he wanted to share his worries with Anne, he didn't. It would be way too odd, it was better she didn't know anything about his personal life. He was glad though that he didn't seem as attracted to her as he was during that last dad- his short talk with Niels had smoothed things up it seemed. They still parted with a long embrace in which they both fought not to kiss the other, and it was still very tempting…
And Mathias came back home, happy to see Niels hadn't come back yet and yet… sad he wasn't there yet.
Xxx
Niels felt great when he arrived home. During his session with Gilbert, he had looked so down that Gilbert had slipped a tablet of ecstasy under his tongue. This resulted in the best sex his body had ever experienced. Even though the stuff had worn off an hour ago, he still had an edge of lightness and dreamy serenity. The whole 'I'm a terrible boyfriend' no longer passed through his mind, and instead he felt like cuddling and chatting.
But Niels' poor brain was faster than race car and he couldn't possibly have a meaningful conversation in this stare. Gilbert had released Niels early, so when he arrived, he wasn't surprised to see Mathias still up and sitting quietly in the dark. Breaking into smirk, he walked briskly across the room and sat himself in Mathias' lap. "I think you and I should go to bed and just stay there and never move from the spot," he said after a few moments.
The stiffness of Mathias' muscles were registering thirty seconds too slow. Oh, that's right... Mathias was probably mad at him. Niels wished he would have stolen one of the tablets so he could give it to Mathias, though he knew that the Dane would extremely pissed at him for pulling such a stunt. But he ignored the tense anger that was being held over his head. If Mathias were explode, Niels would hardly care because his mind wasn't in the right state.
After all, he had just experienced mind blowing sex. Too bad it wasn't with Mathias.
Xxx
Wooow, what was that? This wasn't his boyfriend. Mathias had never seen Niels act like this. It wasn't the words he had said, but how his body was reacting, his behaviour. He never acted like this under alcohol, and anyway, he didn't smell like alcohol but clearly like something else. Like… sweat and perfume… and sex- no. He brusquely shoved the man away and stood from his spot, giving Niels a hurt and disgusted stare.
No…
He didn't want this to be true, and to avoid the truth, he simply fled. Fleeing the truth, yes, that was certainly the best solution to save his couple… Mathias left without a word. He grabbed his coat and quickly left. He ran down the stairs and down the street as far as he could. Envy caught him and with the little money he had left, he went to the closest convenient store to buy a pack of cigarette and a can of beer, and began to smoke one as he first stepped outside.
He sat on the side walk, blowing the smoke and sipping the soothing beer while holding his head between his hands. He should be holding his heart and petting it at the moment, it being the most painful part of his body. No, he didn't want to believe this- he had suspicions though, he had no reasons to believe this… or maybe Niels really disliked him, and was doing many things behind his back to hurt him, or simply because he didn't care about him…
Mathias was nothing for Niels, but the Dane didn't want to believe that. If he was staying with him, maybe it was because he felt something for him, no? Well, that was the main reason Mathias had to stay with the Norwegian at the first place… otherwise, he would very certainly be in Anne's arms at this very instant, in her arms and making love with her, knowing that at least she would give him the love he needed, which Niels had never dare to do. That was the truth… Mathias knew it, he was not that stupid. If he had, Niels had very rarely showered Mathias with love and care like he always did, whatever Niels was doing! If he was drunk or high or whatever, he would still be there to love him, he had a bad day, he would be there to love him, he was happy, fine, let's be happy together…
All these realisations made Mathias want to throw up, but he didn't want to give up yet. He was a persistent man, and he would only stop the day Niels would clearly tell him he dislike him and wanted to leave him… or if he were to catch him actually doing something behind his back. He couldn't stop to hope for a good future with him; he still had faith.
And so, Mathias stayed there, on the side walk, smoking until he finished his beer, which took him endless time, endless hours, and went back home after he had consumed half of his packet.
Xxx
What exactly had Niels done wrong that had set Mathias off? At first, he believed that Mathias had noticed that Niels was high or something, but in the back of his mind he wondered if Mathias somehow knew what he was up to. It made him feel ill to the point he couldn't even bother to get up. For at least an hour, Niels laid where Mathias had dropped him, his mind reeling.
The feel-good feelings had almost evaporated as soon as Mathias slammed the door. Thoughts would go through his mind, suggesting he should just leave Denmark and never come back. He did have the money now to go. Niels knew a few people in Norway that'd allow him to stay until he got back on his feet, of course at a steep price. But leaving Mathias made his whole body feel chilled. He couldn't, and he would try his best to smooth any bumps they had when Mathias came back.
However, his mind kept telling him it was pointless. To get himself to stop thinking about the issue, he grabbed Eirik's urn and withdrew his drug. Not once did it occur to him that his addiction was the source of the problem.
Xxx
Mathias was a tad surprised to see Niels was still home when he stepped into the apartment, though he didn't feel like speaking or even looking at him. He simply went in, kicked off his boots and walked to the bathroom to close and lock the door. Leaning on the sink, he gave a look at his reflection in the mirror; he looked pale, sick, and he had forgotten to shave for at least a week. He was sure plunged into a deep depression, and he didn't like that. Even if he tried to force himself to, his cheek muscles weren't able to curl his lips into a smile; it looked more like a grimace.
Sighing, he almost ripped off his clothes and stepped into a cold shower. He needed something to wake him up, to give him energy and break the sadness in him.
Xxx
Realizing they probably not talking to each other for the rest of the night, Niels grabbed his books and tried his hardest to get his mind off of everything. But it failed, and he eventually went to his room and shut the door. He almost felt the urge to give Mathias a few blankets so he could sleep out on the floor comfortably, for he didn't for see Mathias to sleep in the same bed as him. But his uncaring self just shrugged it off. If Mathias wanted his bed, then he would have to come in the bedroom and either take a blanket or sleep in the same bed as him. If not, then he could sleep on the cold floor.
Pulling the covers over his head, Niels began to surf the net on his phone, reading anything entertaining. His phone was a piece of shit so he couldn't watch videos, but reading troll posts was a great way to waste time. He probably shouldn't have taken that cocaine- all Niels wanted to do was close his eyes and sleep where he could escape everything, versus being awake threw a fog of life.
Tired of the net, he flipped his phone shut.
Xxx
Mathias felt a really big urge of affection, and knowing Niels wouldn't give him, he just masturbated in the cold shower. He caressed himself just like he wished Niels would do if he happened to love him. He tried to imagine his big rough hand was the Norwegian's little soft one running over his chest, nipples and thighs while he jerked off, though if was pretty hard. Niels and he had never made love… or maybe they had, only the once once. The only time they actually did something that looked like a real couple and not just fuck buddies was the first time they had gotten laid after Eirik's death. All the other times were clouded by deep lust and the need of raw sex, especially on Niels' side.
When he was finished, he had imagined he would feel any kind of relief, but instead he felt ever dirtier; instead of selfishly masturbating, he could have went to Niels and have sex with him. But he didn't want sex… he needed more, he wanted more! Sex was sex, no matter what. But he wanted more than simply raw sex with him…
And for the first time, Mathias realised it was maybe because Niels simply didn't know how to make love to someone.
It was simple, though. For the Dane, it was the base of a relation, but maybe Niels never had such a relation? Another thing to add onto the list of what he didn't know about his lover…
And just that gave Mathias a new energy. He felt slightly better. He could show Niels how to love- or, well, trying to make him feel how it was and simply teach him, though he felt exhausted after his masturbation session when he finally left the shower to dry himself and walk naked back to their room. He wouldn't do this tonight, but soon…
When he got into the room, Niels was laid on the bed with his phone on his stomach and a book. He read, hmm? It wasn't surprising… Mathias silently sighed and slipped in next to him under the covers, trying not to be alerted by his strange scent as he wrapped his arms around his body and snuggled as close as he could.
"Niels…" he mumbled on the man's skin as he kissed his jaw, "Can ye… get back home right after work tomorrow? For me…" He felt almost childish asking so… but he really felt desperate. Every night Niels would text him to tell he was out or that he would come home late or anything, and not a single night Mathias had fallen asleep with Niels by his side.
Xxx
"If you wish," he said sourly, scooting closer to his book. Mathias hadn't towelled off his hair properly and he could feel the water droplets on his skin. It was no issue to come home early, most of the time he was out having drinks with Thomas anyway. He was sure the Dutch man needed to build up his savings just as Niels did. After all, he still had enough cocaine to last him another day or two, depending on his mood.
He could feel Mathias become a dead weight next to him- either feigning sleep or actually sleeping, Niels didn't know. But he didn't bother to make an effort to turn off the lamp. Instead he stayed up reading until his eyes hurt and his high wore off. Curling up, Niels scooted back next to Mathias look at him.
Deep down Niels knew he was so in the wrong and yet he allowed Mathias to believe he was the one that was causing all of the issues. Softly, he ran his fingers over his jaw and and lax lips. He felt like shit and couldn't really fall asleep. Even though he wouldn't see sleep that night, Niels curled himself against Mathias' warm body. At first Niels believed he would feel better, but he never did.
Xxx
Mathias didn't know how he could still have complete nights with all the nightmares and bad thoughts he had while sleeping. It always resulted into him not wanting to stand up and simply lay all day curled in a warm ball of comfort, but this time, he woke with Niels in his arms. It made his heart dance in joy. Yes, he normally awakened with the man in his arms, or close, but he would always face his back, just like the man didn't care.
But there, he was like a little child with a limp arm on his hip and Mathias's strong arms wrapped around him. It was comforting to see him like this. The Dane warmly smiled and gently pulled Niels' face up for a short kiss on his sleeping lips, though, when he did, the man slightly snorted in his sleep and blood ran from his nose. Alarmed, Mathias tried to stop the blood from dripping on the pillow by holding Niels' face up and reached for tissues in a box on the floor. It obviously resulted into the Norwegian waking up and Mathias rapidly put the tissues under his nose.
The Dane slightly frowned, giving a worried serious look at the half sleeping Norwegian. Did he… did he still snorted coke? Or… maybe not. It was certainly time that had deteriorated his nasal walls from snorting and all, and he would maybe be like this, nose bleeding, for a long time to come.
"Good morning babe…" Mathias said, still with a point of worry.
Xxx
Clutching his nose, half asleep, Niels wanted to just roll over and go back to sleep. But with Mathias looking at him worriedly, he knew that wasn't going to happen. "I'm fine. Go make us something to eat." Niels wanted a few moments to wake up alone and get his bleeding nose under control. It would bleed and bleed, having a hard time clotting. The last thing he wanted was to have Mathias freak out and ask to take him to the doctors or some damn thing. Sometimes, Niels wondered if he should shoot up instead. But he didn't like needles.
It was a relief to see Mathias leave and as soon as he did, Niels propped his head back. The uncomfortable feeling of blood draining down the back of his throat made him feel queasy. Luckily, by the time Niels could smell the scent of food, his nose had finally stopped, and he quickly discarded all the bloodied napkin by flushing them down the toilet. Peering in the mirror, he looked like shit with his pale skin and tired eyes. It was a shame Mathias had woken him- there were a few times when Niels woke up with his pillows covered in blood, but the sleep was worth it.
Leaving the bathroom, Niels wrapped his arms around Mathias' waist, watching him place the microwaved food on plates. "Sorry about that. I've always had bloody noses, even as a kid," he lied, though not about his childhood. When a child, it just took the lightest of bumps to cause him a nose bleed. But Niels knew that had nothing to do with that mornings nose bleed. Mathias probably knew as well.
Xxx
Mathias would love to be able to believe Niels on that. When he was finished with preparing their plates, he left them and turned around in the embrace to wrap his own arms around Niels and pull him closer. His lover's body felt a bit colder than his- he had always felt like this… no. Not always. Sometimes, he would feel very hot, especially when he came back from work, when he was very horny.
When he was high… on what, he didn't know, and he clearly didn't want to know. But he could suppose these moments out when he came back late weren't only to drink. He didn't always look drunk or warm when coming back. Mathias knew what a drunken man looked like…
And still, he simply made the blind one, the one who was fleeing truth. He didn't want all of his worries to be true. They weren't to him. Nothing of what he was thinking Niels was doing on his back was true… and he kept his grip on him. He didn't want anything happening to him…
Mathias took the smaller man's face between his hands to leave a soft kiss on his lips and mutter against them, "Stop lyin' to me," before parting and handing Niels his breakfast plate.
Xxx
Niels scoffed before taking the plate and hopping up on the counter. "I didn't lie, I really did get a nosebleeds as a kid. That part is at least true." Oh, he wasn't even going to tell Mathias the full truth, and the man didn't seem interested. Taking a bite, Niels tried to shrug off the feeling of disappointment. Everyone always avoided the real truth about Niels, even when the truth was right in front of them. Only Thomas crossed the line and confronted Niels' secrets and lies. But Thomas wasn't there to help, only to compare stories and get a laugh.
Yet, all the people that were supposed to care about Niels refused to really see Niels' problem. Oh he had a problem and Niels knew it, but he had no incentive to fix it. Why should he when no one honestly really cared? Sometimes Niels imagined that if Eirik were still here that eventually his brother would have figured it all out and dragged Niels out of his miserable hole. But he wasn't and Mathias was supposed to be there for him. How things stood between them, Mathias might as well be the one selling him the drugs. Weren't all of those sappy movies on T.V. full of people overcoming addictions because someone reached their hand out and helped them? Maybe not that drastic, but Mathias was ineffective to Niels. By ignoring the issue, he enabled Niels to do what he wanted.
Xxx
Thing was Mathias didn't know what to do… and yet, he didn't believe Niels was still in the same stuff he was in when back in Norway. He had doubts, but he truly didn't want to face the truth and be hurt. He didn't realise he was the one being selfish in this very particular way.
They still didn't speak as they had said they would do. They made their day and eventually went back to bed for a quick nap before Niels left for work. Again, before leaving, Mathias almost pleaded him to come back right after work. He really did hope he would come back.
For the time Niels was away, Mathias went in the streets, a bit farther, to look for jobs. He made his turn by car to look around and look in the richer places, but still, richer place demanded more education, which Mathias didn't have.
Before coming back home, he went to Anne's. They spoke again, just like Mathias wished he would with Niels. He was simply not able to do so; the man didn't look interested at all, unlike Anne. She wore the brightest smile, laughed in the most beautiful way and gave the Dane the energy to continue with Niels and try further.
Even if he secretly wished to come back with her… they both did.
